*Alex POV*

It was only the third night of Warped Tour and I was so wasted I couldn’t even stand. Again. In front of thousands of kids. Great.I’ve really been on a bender and it shows.

The screams and cheers from the crowd echoed inside my head, getting louder and more unbearable as I lay on the floor of the stage, slurring along to a song I couldn’t even remember the name of. I was a million miles away and becoming more distant with every miserable second. I knew I had to give up; this show was never going to turn around now.

The mic slipped from my grasp and hit the floor with a echoing thud, and in that same second, Jack was right by my side hovering over me anxiously. I tried to focus on his concerned brown eyes and soundless moving lips, but unconsciousness consumed me into darkness.

***

“This is the third time in a month! He's ruining everything, he needs to get his fucking shit together!"

“Hewill. He’s just going through a hard time right now, with the break up and everything...”

“Well, for fuck sake, him and Dem broke up months ago… It’s about time he got a fucking grip.”

I lay motionless where I was, not daring to blink my eyes open, just straining my ears to catch every word Jack and Matt had to say about me. Their frustrated voices had been such asudden attackon my eardrums, forcing me back into reality after a dreamless sleep.

“He’ll get past this, Matt, I know he will.”

“Yeah, whatever. Let’s hope he don’t let you down, Barakat, seeing as you’re the only one with any fucking faith in him.”

I blinked my eyes open, just in time to see our manager storming off, his hurtful words about me still lingering in the air. But I couldn't blame him. Not this time.

Jack looked defeated, running his fingers through his hair and staring up at the sky as ifpraying for a miracle. For me to get better, probably.

I tried to get up, I wanted to go and thank him for defending me, but the throbbingpain inmy head knocked me straight to the floor again. I groaned in agony and clasped a hand to my exploding head.

I’m drunk I suppose...

In a matter of seconds, the blinding sun was blocked from my view as Jack appeared above me, sighing heavily and offering me an outstretched hand to help me up. Like always.

I wasn’t very balanced on my feet; I nearly face-planted the floor in the first second, but he was quick to put his arm round my waist and hold me up. He didn’t even struggle to support my heavy weight.

“Thanks,” I mumbled, staggering all over the place in my attempt to walk.

He remained silent as he led me over to the tour bus. For the firsteverthe silence was awkward between us, and I didn’t attempt to break it. I was too ashamed of myself.

We were met by Rian in the doorway of the tour bus, with a stern look on his face. He exhaled noisily as a greeting and reached down to grab my other arm and help Jack get me up the stairs. I stumbled my way through the kitchen, destroying everything in my path, with my two band mates helping me remain upright. I caught a glimpse of Vincent and Zack deep in conversation on the couch; they looked up at me when I came in, wearing expressions of disappointment. They didn’t say anything - they didn’t have to. I already knew I had let the band down again.

As soon as I stumbled into the bedroom, Rian and Jack seemed to evaporate from my side and I collapsed on my bunk and lay there for a moment, my head buried in my hands in shame.

Why was I such a selfish fuck-up? Why did my alcohol addiction have to fucking control me like this and ruin everything?

The springs in my bed suddenly squeaked as they sustained another person’s weight, making me jump a little in surprise and jerk my eyes open to find Jack sat on the edge of my bed, looking at me with a vacant expression.

We simply stared at each other for a while, neither of us making an attempt at conversation, still. I didn’t know what to say. Sorry didn't seem like enough. But what else could I say? "It won't happen again"? I couldn't promise that. Jack would never buy it anyway.

Eventually, I had to succumb to the deafening silence.

“Do you hate me?”

Jack averted his eyes to the floor, shaking his head slowly.

"You’ve got to stop this.”

He didn't answer the question. His tone was flat; he didn’t sound angry or frustrated like I had expected him to. He didn’t sound anything, but I just knew how worried about me he was. I saw it in his eyes with every look he gave me.

“I know," I replied in barely more than a whisper, "But I can't."

If I knew how to stop, I would. I didn’t want to depend on alcohol the way I did...In love with all of these vampires...But I needed them to function. To feel complete. Tolive.

Jack was quick to challenge my pessimistic attitude.

“Alex, listen to me… Youcanand you will,” he assured me urgently, “You don’t need all that shit to function.”

It was as if he had climbed into my head and heard my exact thoughts. I appreciated him trying to help, but this was out of his hands. It was beyond my control, so it was even further from his control.

“Do you honestly think there is any hope for me?” I questioned disbelievingly, averting my eyes to the bed covers, embarrassed. “Because I don’t. And no one else does.”

Why did he care so much when no one else gave a shit? Everyone else gave up on me a long time ago.

Suddenly, he put his hand on top of mine, causing what felt like an electric current to run through my system. I jerked my head up and our eyes locked again at once.

“Yes,I do,” he replied, and his confidence was slightly alarming. “You're the bravest dude I know, Lex. You are capable of anything you set your mind to. If you truly want to, youwillovercome your this.”

I found myself staring at him almost transfixed then. I appreciated the fact that he hadn’t given up on me yet, and I got the comforting feeling that, unlike the others, he never would.

“The other guys may be starting to lose faith a little, but you gotta understand we’re all going out our minds with worry here… I mean, fuck, Aex, this has been going on for way too long. And if you carry on like this, you’re going to kill yourself!”

The sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead.

I felt the tears burning my eyes as I listened to the fucked up reality of the situation. Jack was speaking the truth. I was on the verge of drinking myself into an early grave, everybody knew it.

“Is that what you want?” he added in a small, fearful voice. He seemed genuinely unsure of the answer.

I’d been suicidal a couple of times before and I was generally someone that was addicted to self-destruction… But when I really thought about it now, I didn’t want to die.

I shook my head slowly. “I - I want to stop… I just c-can’t do it alone.”

I sounded pathetic and I hated myself for it, but I needed his help so badly. It wasn't like he hadn't tried to help me before - he always tried, but I was always an resistant asshole about it. But something was different tonight; for the first time ever, I actuallywantedto change my ways. I was willing to accept his help.

The tears were nowstreamingdown my face; no matter how much I wiped them away with my sleeve, they kept falling. I couldn’t bring myself to hold eye contact with him, because I was embarrassed.Ashamed.But he just gripped my hand tighter and pulled me up into a sitting position, right beside him, needing me to cooperate.

“You don’t have to do it alone. We're all here for you.I’mhere for you, man,” he spoke affectionately, giving me an encouraging smile.

This just made me cry harder. I was an emotional wreck, okay, fucking overwhelmed by everything.

He sighed softly, bringing both his hands up to cup my face. For a second, as he stared deep into my eyes, everything froze. My sobbing… My breathing… My heart… I was paralyzed under his silky touch and intense gaze.

I really thought he was going to kiss me. And in that moment, I wouldn’t even have minded; I was just craving love and affection so bad. But he didn’t. He just caressed my cheeks, wiping the tears away with his thumbs.

I looked at him with slightly wide and watery eyes, captivated by the moment. He gave me another reassuring smile, and this time I managed a tiny smile back and didn't cry in his face. He made me feel so at ease around him. I knew I didn't need to be ashamed.

“I love you, dude,” he spoke fondly, making my heart skip a random beat, "We all do. We just want you to be okay."

With that, he dropped his hands from my face and opened his arms to pull me into a much-needed hug. I couldn't help but respond by throwing mine around him too. I sighed in relief, feeling like a huge weight had just been lifted and I could breathe again. I wasn't sinking; Jack was my life-jacket.

We stayed in an embrace on the bed for a long time, until I managed to compose myself and my eyes dried up. I just closed them tight and buried my face in his neck.

“You trust me, Lex, don’t you?" he murmured in my ear.

I nodded my head very slightly to let him know that yes, I do trust him. He could never know just how much I trust him.

"You know I’ll always catch you when you fall,” he added softly.

I smiled weakly as I rested my head on his shoulder. I was so lucky to have such a passionate, loyal friend like Jack.

You can take all the pain away from me.

***

As time went on, I was able to resist the temptation of alcohol fairly easily with Jack by my side to guide me. And I mean by my side every second of every day. He was like my goddamn carer, and hell, he was taking his role very seriously. I tried to take some Nyquil the other day for a headache and he slapped me across the face. I could have done without that abuse.

But then, one day on the Warped Tour we were forced to separate because he had to fly back to Baltimore to visit a sick relative. Without him by my side, even for a few days, I began to slowly sink back to rock bottom.

I started getting desperate again, needing to get wasted orsomethingtofillthe void. The pressure inside me was rising at an unbearable pace. And on the third day of his absence, I cracked.

“Hey Alex!” I heard a familiar voice shout from behind me, as I wandered offstage absent-mindedly, completely sober but feeling drunk in the head.

I turned to see Bert McCracken coming towards me. He was a good friend, but not exactly the supportive kind I was in need of... In fact, he was the complete opposite.

“Oh, hey. What’s up?”

As he got nearer my eye was automatically drawn to the vodka bottle in his right hand. I felt my self-control slowly diminish like a plug had been pulled inside of me at the sight alone.

“Some of the guys are having a party back at our tour bus. Wanna come?” he invited, holding up the bottle of vodka with raised eyebrows.

Fuck.

“I, um... don’t think… so,” I replied hesitantly, trying to be strong and ignore the fact that I was desperate to get partying.

“What? Come on, dude, I’m not taking no for an answer,” he smirked, coming right up to me and putting his right arm around my shoulder, the vodka right next to my face.

I closed my eyes and clenched my fists as he led me across the fields towards The Used’s tour bus. I was trying to think of anything except the unbearable temptation to suddenly snatch the bottle from his grasp and down the whole thing in one go.

“Sooo, what’s been going on with you lately?” he asked casually, clearly unaware of how he was slowly torturing me.

“Me? Uh… nothing… just, uh, hanging out, y'know… usual stuff,” I responded vacantly, my mind focused purely on the alcohol held right under my nose.

I could feel Bert’s questioning, staring eyes on my face, so I forced myself to look sideways at him.

“What about you?”

His eyes softened and his lips slowly curled into a sly smile.

“Just the three best things... Getting wasted, getting high and getting fucked!” He snorted, reaching over with his left hand to take the vodka bottle and knock some back.

I felt a sharp stab of envy all of a sudden; I wasn’t getting any of the “three best things.”

Bert raised his eyebrows at me when I didn’t respond or agree. He wasn’t used to this reserved, controlled side to me. He didn’t know what I was going through.

“Here,” he said, thrusting the bottle into my hand insistently. “Loosen up, man.”

I stared at the bottle that was now in my hand in confusion; I felt torn between throwing it on the floor and walking off, and just giving in and letting temptation take control. But within a mere few seconds, there was no option. I couldn't resist the urge; it had taken over my mind and I was drinking before I could ever process what was happening. As soon as the bottle touched my lips and I tasted the familiar bitterness, my heart started beating fast in excitement and I felt like the void inside me had been filled. I drank what was left in the bottle, but I wanted more.In love with all of these vampires...

I was suddenly very eager to go to this party and get royally fucked, but then, out of nowhere, I heard a familiar voice that made me stop in my tracks.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

At first, I thought Jack's voice was inside my mind acting as a conscience or I was hallucinating, but then he actually appeared directly in front of me and Bert, causing me to lower the bottle slowly and blink a few times in disbelief.

“He’s partying, what the fuck does it look like he’s doing?” I heard Bert ask Jack bluntly.

Okay, well if Bert can see him too then he obviously isn’t a hallucination… Great. I’m so screwed.

"It looks like he's fucking throwing everything back in my face,” Jack snapped angrily.

I could feel him glaring at me, but I was too ashamed to hold eye contact with him. I kept my eyes focused on the ground.

“Uh, okay. You wanna come party?” Bert offered with a shrug, completely ignoring the tense situation and making things impossibly worse.

I groaned inwardly, running my fingers through my hair.

“No, I'll have to pass on that one. And so will Alex,” Jack said through gritted teeth.

“Are you his mom or something?” Bert scoffed before turning to me, "You're still coming, right?"

Jack looked at me too, narrowing his eyes; they were both waiting for an answer. In that moment, I wanted the ground to swallow me up and never spit me out.

“I - uh… no,” I stammered stupidly, feeling like a child getting told off. “Jack’s right… I shouldn’t go to this party."

Yeah, of course he’s right... He’s always fucking right!

“Why the fuck not?” Bert demanded, glancing from me to Jack, frowning.

I hesitated, but Jack didn’t.

“Well, considering he’s trying to get fucking clean and sober, a party with alcohol and drugs, no doubt, wouldn’t exactly be the greatest idea ever,” he snapped.

Oh man, was he angry...

“Oh. Well, I didn’t know that,” Bert said flatly, looking at me with an annoyed expression. I'd managed to piss him off too, fantastic. Okay, I knew I should have just told him the truth, but he didn’t really give me a chance to.

“Well, now you do. So keep your fucking vodka to yourself in the future,” Jack growled, snatching the empty vodka bottle from my hand and forcing it back into Bert’s.

“Yeah, whatever,” Bert shrugged flatly, tossing the bottle on the floor and heading off to the party alone.

The tension between Jack and I was high as we walked back to the bus together. I took a cigarette out of my packet and offered Jack one which he snatched immediately without one word to me. It was painfully awkward as we took drags on our cigarettes in silence.

Finally, I decided to try and break the ice.

“So when did you get back?”

“Twenty minutes ago," he answered shortly, staring straight ahead as we walked.

"How did you find-"

"Rian said he saw you with Bert," he interrupted impatiently, reading my mind. He took a drag on his cigarette before adding in a warning tone, "That guy is bad news for you, Alex. He’s a drug and alcohol addict himself.”

As if I don't already know exactly the kind of guy Bert is.

I felt a wave of affection towards Jack; he was like a protective older brother looking out for me. I had disappointed him and myself, and I didn’t ever want to let him down again.

“So, have you just been drinking and using all the fucking time since I’ve been gone?” he demanded suddenly, interrupting my thoughts.

“Wha- No! That was my only moment of weakness back there, I promise,” I told him truthfully, hoping he would trust me.

“Right,” was the unconvinced reply.

I sighed in disappointment. I had betrayed his trust in me and now he was having trouble believing the honest truth. I was truly a pathetic fuck-up.

“Look, the only reason I relapsed was because I was having uncontrollable withdrawal symptoms,” I started to explain, but he didn't let me finish.

“Well, that’s only natural when someone gives up what you have,” he said, trying to be understanding… But he was not understanding the real reason.

I looked at the ground, embarrassed of the truth.

“Actually… I, uh, think I was having withdrawal symptoms towards… you,” I admitted, cringing at the words that I had actually let escape from my mouth.

He stared at me with raised eyebrows, taken aback by my declaration, and then, to my surprise, he smirked.

“Right, yeah. So, out of me, alcohol, you're cravingmethe most?”

I didn't know whether to be happy or offended that he had resolved to making jokes when I was trying to be serious. I decided to be happy, because I didn't know if I even wanted him to take me seriously.

“Well, sure, it sounds weird when you say it like that,” I grinned, feeling my cheeks getting hotter.

“Wait... so, if i'm the addiction, what's the cost?" he enquired thoughtfully.

I didn't know if he was asking a rhetorical question, and I didn't have an answer, so I just shrugged.

"Well, at least I’m not gonna kill you if you have too much of me, right?” he continued with a wink.

"And how exactly would Ihave too much of you?" I imitated him with a snort, my mind wandering to restricted places as I tried to work out what that meant.

I found myself thinking about shoving him up against a wall and kissing him until we were both breathless and high on each other, and then I felt my heart beat slightly faster at the inappropriate thought.

I tried not to freak out and shook myself out of the slight trance I had fallen into just in time to hear Jack say, “We’ll find out, won’t we?”

...Will we?

I was beginning to feel like the conversation was getting a little too serious and uncomfortable, when suddenly, he interrupted my paranoid thoughts with another mocking comment.

“One more question: the alcohol gets you wasted… What do I get you?” he enquired, looking both playful and thoughtful, which I didn't even know was possible.

I thought about it for a little while longer than I probably should have before deciding to actually answer his question seriously, even if he was only joking.

“You get me up when the others make me fall… and that’s the best feeling of all.”

I had to roll my eyes to myself at how the words came out; I didn't mean for it to sound like a fucking corny song.

I waited for him to laugh at me again, but he didn't. His expression just turned softer and he flashed me a smile. I smiled back feebly, but then I dropped my gaze to the floor again, embarrassed.

“Well, hey, that’s what friends are for, right? You can always count on me to keep getting you up when you fall, man,” he replied, grabbing my shoulder affectionately.

That's a promise I won't forget in a while.

Give me a shot to remember...

Notes

Song lyrics credit: MCR, of course!

Hey guys, :) I'm excited for you to read it and hope you enjoy it!