“I don’t like depending on people, because people leave all the time. Because at the end of the day, all you have is yourself and that has to be enough.”
-A.M.

The bell finally rings and I jump out of my desk, basically sprinting out the door. Jack had been staring at me the whole class and wanted to talk to me. I could just see it in his body language. I felt him close behind me as I left the room. Finally, I turn around and almost run into him.

“Hey there.” He grins at me, clearly happy.

“Hey. Is there something you have to say to me? Not to be a bitch but you’ve been staring at me ever since you got here.” I ask him folding my arms, all of a sudden very uncomfortable. I look at him and he looks a little hurt.

“I just. I don’t know. I thought we could be friends or something. You seem like a really cool girl. I just want to talk I guess.” Jack mumbles looking down at his feet, really embarrassed.

“Oh.” I stopped, feeling a little bad. “Well I have a history class next. Do you want to meet up at lunch?” I offer up, hoping he won’t take me up on it. He seems like a really nice guy, I just don’t want to be abandoned as always.

“For sure. I’ll meet you outside of the cafeteria or something.” He shrugged, clearly still a little hurt but willing to meet up.

I smile awkwardly and walk off to my next class. Why did I agree to this?

The next two classes fly by quickly and next thing I know, it’s time for lunch. I walk to the cafeteria and see Jack waiting for me up against the wall. He waves and throws me a small smile. I smile back and walk up to him.

“So, where do you want to sit?” I ask him looking around the crowded cafeteria.

“Let’s just get our food and we can eat outside or something. It looks pretty crazy out there.” Jack suggests.

I follow him into the cafeteria and we grab our food. Next thing you know, we are outside under a tree on the grass watching the cars drive past our school. We sit in silence for a few minutes, eating. Finally, Jack clears his throat.

“So. Tell me about yourself.” He glances at me with a mouthful of his pizza. I can’t help but smile softly.

“Well…I don’t really know where to begin. I’ve lived here in Baltimore my whole life. This school is the only school I’ve been to. I pretty much always keep to myself.” I shrug, not really sure what he expects me to say.

He nods thoughtfully. “That’s cool. I keep to myself sometimes too, but I still can be pretty outgoing. I just moved here a few months ago and honestly hate it.” Jack laughed looking down.

“Made any new friends at least?” I ask him.

“Nah. Everyone is so different here. They seem to be so conceited and could care less about others. At least at my old school, people would acknowledge me. I feel like a fly on the wall here.” Jack responds, a little disappointed. “You are the closest I have to a friend right now. Maybe I can meet some of your friends?”

I laugh bitterly. “No. You can’t.”

He looks as if I just slapped him.

“No, you don’t understand. I don’t have friends. I don’t need friends. All they do is leave you in the end.” I spat.

“You’re kidding. How do you not have friends? You are so friendly!” Jack exclaims, his voice thick with sarcasm.

“Fuck you.” I mumble laughing a little. When is the last time I’ve laughed? Or even had this long of a conversation with someone other than my family?

“Is that a request?” He grins at me with a devilish gleam in his eye.

I bust out laughing and quickly cover my mouth. Where did that come from?

He looks at me quizzically. “Why don’t you let yourself laugh?”

I open my mouth to reply, but realize I don’t really know why. “I don’t know. I guess it’s a sign that I think you are funny. I don’t want you thinkingthat though because whathappenswhenwebecomefriendsandyouleaveme?” My speech sped up in panic.

“Dude, chill. I’m not going anywhere. I just got here.” Jack punches me in the shoulder lightly.

“We’ll see.” I mumble.

We finish up our lunch and go our separate ways. I enter my next class, math, and try to distract myself from our lunch conversations. I’m playing Ruzzle when all of a sudden my phone vibrates. I almost dropped it I was so surprised. I exit out of Ruzzle and see it’s a Facebook notification.

Jack Barakat has requested to be your friend

I roll my eyes and hit accept. There’s no harm in being Facebook friends. I go back to playing my game, and all of a sudden my phone vibrates again. Facebook messaging. I open my usually empty mailbox to find one. Of course, from Jack.

I’m so bored. Entertain me?

I smile a little and respond.

What the hell do I look like, your servant?

Yes. Now come entertain your master. Or at least talk to me. I’m in English and this teacher looks like the hobbit. But a female hobbit.

Well then. Rude. I’m in math. Switch?

No way, just ditch and sit in on mine. The teacher isn’t paying attention at all.

I consider it for a second and decide I better not.

Nope, not happening. So what do you do in your free time now that you’ve moved and have no friends?

Creep on my old friends and creep on potential ones on Facebook. I play some guitar so that keeps me busy from time to time. Other than that, not much. I wish I had someone to do things with. Hint fucking hint Emma.

I bust out laughing at the last part of the message and quickly realize that everyone is staring at me. They seem concerned. I don’t think any of them have ever seen me smile before. The teacher glares at me, but continues teaching.

Fuck you Jack! You just made me bust out laughing and now everyone thinks I’m weird. Well, weird-er.

You aren’t weird. You’re pretty cool as far as I’m concerned. You’re tough. But I made you laugh? Hell yeah, best accomplishment of the week. Maybe even the month.

I smile. I don’t think anyone has called me “cool”. I’m not quite sure how I feel about that. I should just change the subject.

Yeah, yeah. Well I play guitar too for the record. Nothing intense, just acoustic covers.

We should play together sometime (: You want to hang out today after school?

“Emma!” The teacher calls on me, taking me out of my conversation.

“Yes! Sorry sir.” I reply quickly.

“Put your phone away and pay attention.” He barks at me.

Gotta go, maybe another time. Bye

I power my phone down and start to pay attention. I take notes silently and randomly throw in a comment or two, to show him that I am listening now. The bell rings within 10 minutes and I run out of the room before the teacher can call me up to his desk to talk.

The rest of my school day was boring and uneventful. I jump in my car and wait for my brother to join me. He usually takes about 10 minutes to say goodbye to his millions of friends. I hadn’t turned on my phone until now. But when I did, I had a message from Jack on Facebook in response to my last one.

Oh, ok. I understand…well. I guess I’ll see you in homeroom tomorrow. Let me know if you change your mind…

Well now I really felt like a piece of shit.

Truth is, I would love to hang with Jack. I honestly think he’s a really cool guy. But at the end of the day, there’s still that voice in my head telling me no. The voice has a point, I’ve always been left behind. Why bother setting myself up for failure? Granted, I don’t know for an absolute fact he will leave. I just don’t know if I can take any one else leaving me in my life.

My phone vibrates and it’s my brother.

I’m going to Jason’s. I already cleared it with mom. Just go home. Thanks for waiting though.

I groan and drive home, feeling a little depressed for no known reason. I think I’m just a little funny feeling about this whole Jack situation. I have no idea what the hell to do.

I pull up to the house and walk inside to the kitchen to grab a snack. I look at my mom who is sitting at the kitchen table, drinking wine already. It’s only 2:45 in the damn afternoon. I roll my eyes, grab my snack, and run upstairs. I start working on my homework and within about 10 minutes, my mom comes sauntering into my room.

“Heyyy there sweetie.” My mom slurs grinning at me.

“Hey. I’m doing homework. What do you want?” I ask, pretty annoyed. I hate it when she does this.

“Just wa-anted to talk.” She hiccups. “What’s your fucking problem?”

“Just don’t want to talk.” I snap.

“You are such an ungrateful bi-itch. You wonderwhyyou don’t have any friends.” She drags the last ‘s’ out and stumbles out of my room.

Screw this.

I run into the bathroom and close the door, locking it behind me. I grab a razor out of one of the drawers. I take a deep breath and press the razor up against my stomach. The cold blade slices across my skin, sending a jolt of energy through my veins. I watch as the blood slowly surfaces and spills down my stomach. I smile lightly as I make 3 more long cuts. I sit there for a second and watch the blood. It can be such a beautiful thing. I don’t love that I cut, but I just don’t know what other option I have. It works for me. I dab the cuts and wipe the blood off as I hear a knock at the bathroom door. I walk out and see my mom as she walks down the hallway towards her room. She must’ve gotten lost.

I run back into my room. I pack up my guitar in its case, grab my phone, and my keys. As I run out the door, I type Jack a quick message and hit send.

Hey. I’m down to hang out today. Just tell me where to meet you. I’ll leave now.

Notes

Hello! It's been a while I know. Sorry just things are crazy with me lately and I had writers block. This post cleared it up a little so hopefully more soon.
Rate/Comment/Subscribe!
<3