"Jessie, are you afraid of falling in love?"


This was never an easy question to answer. Did I fear the sensation of actually being in love? Of course not. That's something everyone wants to try, at least once in their life. It's always described as a magical feeling, the kind that leaves you breathless and beaming. What I feared were the feelings that come after love, because let's be realistic, love always ends. I feared being left helpless and broken; maybe even still in love with the one who had stole my heart, with no way of ever being with them again. I feared being left high and dry and totally unprepared for the crash-landing. Being alone was something I'd become very good at, forgetting how to be okay by myself was one of my biggest fears.


"In a matter of speaking, sure," I shrugged, propping myself up on my elbow to stare at my best friend. "Are you?"


"I think I've been in love before," Steph mumbled, drawing circles in the gravel under her fingers. Yes, we were in the middle of the road again. "Things just feel different with Jack, ya know?"


"Well that's the crazy thing about love, isn't it?" I eyed her, hoping I wasn't getting this all wrong. "It's different every time you feel it. You won't love someone the same way you loved someone else because you fall for them for different reasons.. Right?"


"I guess so..."


My best friend had never questioned herself on a relationship. Either she wanted to be with someone, or she didn't. Stephanie and I were totally different in that aspect; She enjoyed the feeling of romance, having had several different boyfriend's, while I only had the one and utterly hated the feeling of being.. Wanted, so to speak. It made me uncomfortable.


"Please at least give Alex a chance.." Steph sighed, sitting up on her knees. "You promised me last night."


"Yeah," I snorted. "I also danced pretty much naked and gave lover-boy a boner."


"See?" She giggled, a smirk on her plump lips. "You're already half way there!"


Another thing Steph and I were different about: Sex. She found the subject humourous. More than that, she feared it. Naturally, as a female, we'd heard the stories of how painful and emotional sex would be the first time. I, however, was prepared to have sex. Indeed, we were both virgins, but I assumed love was no where in my near future. What I really wanted was to fall in love and have one of those romantic first times, the kind that makes other girls sigh, wishing it had been their own. The chances of that happening were slim to none, so I would take whatever life threw at me, so long as I was in the mood for it.


"Do you guys ever stop risking your own lives?"


This time, I sat up on my knees to join Steph. A few feet away from us were Alex and Jack, big grins on their lips as they grew closer to us. I'd been waiting for this, the two of them to show up like nothing ever happened last night, but it made me sick to my stomach. I let on that I thought Alex and I had a chance to be more than friends. This would go straight to his head, which would make me want to put a bullet in my own.


"I know you guys don't care too much, but it would make me super happy if we moved this conversation to a place where I might not get run over."


The three of us laughed at Jack's comment. I'd grown a fondness to the dork and I thought he suited Steph well. If she didn't take a chance with him, I would be sad. For once, I think she found her perfect match. Still, his puppy-dog eyes made us stand up and follow them to the grass. Steph and I took our rightful places on the back of ole red, while Alex and Jack pulled up two chairs. I avoided eye contact with Alex, he'd seen enough of my emotions last night, but he tempted me to stare at him by propping his feet up right beside my legs, leaning his chair back.


"Fall!" Jack shouted, pointing his finger to Alex. "Damnit, Alex, you were supposed to fall."
"You fucking fall."


"I'm not leaning against anything!"


This went on for a while, the banter between the two of them. Steph and I would laugh and make remarks every now and again.. She more than I, until both Alex and Jack grew silent. With this, I decided to look up, only to catch Alex's chocolate eyes staring into my much darker brown orbs. I gulped, feeling my heart beat speed up again. I hated this power he had over me.


"So, Jess.."


"Alex," Jack snapped, kicking his friend in the leg. "Here, dude?"


"What's the worst she could say? No?"


Oh God. Now my stomach was starting to turn. He was not about to do what I thought he was, was he?!


"Whatever you say," Jack mumbled. "This is awkward."


"Only because you won't shut up," Alex grunted, a smile on his face. This is when he turned his attention back to me. "So, Jess. I think I've made it more than apparent that I like you. With that being said, will you be my girlfriend?"


Son of a fucking bitch. Did he really have to call me out in front of our best friends? My hands were shaking now. I could feel both Jack and Rae staring at me like their lives depended on my answer. Just say no, Jessie, just say no.


"Yes."


Oh shit. I said yes and I meant it.

"Great," Alex beamed. He got up from his chair and put his butt in the place where his feet used to be. I felt one of his arms wrap around my shoulder, but I felt so distant from myself. Would it be wrong of me to snort some pills right now? "You'v just made me the happiest guy like, ever."


"Stephanie!" Jack's voice boomed before I even had a chance to speak to my boyfriend. He pulled the small girl from the back of the truck and squeezed her hand. "Can I talk to you alone?"


"Sure? Let's go behind the house."


"Watch out!" I called, cracking a smile. "There are monsters back there!"


By this point, Steph was already half way around the house and Jack was just starting after her. He called out, "Don't worry Steph, I'll save you!" and then he was gone. I laughed lightly, feeling Alex chuckled against my side. Man, this was weird.


"He's going to ask her out, you know."


"I figured. Did you guys have this planned?"


"Obviously," Alex smirked. "I just never expected you to say yes."


Neither did I.. But my God, am I excited.

"I'm just full of surprises, I guess."


"I know how you feel about being close to people, Jess, and I know that we're really not that close. But I also know that your story is one I have been dying to hear, so if you'll just give me a chance to hear it, I think you'd feel a lot better."


"Feeling better isn't something I require, Alex. I don't feel bad, I just feel odd."


"Just know-"
Before Alex could finish speaking, a squeal echoed though the yard. Jack's lanky body came into view, and clinging to his neck from an intense piggy-back ride was my best friend. Her bug eyes were wide and her blonde hair was bouncing around her head. Alex and I both burst into a fit of laughter. It was easy to tell that Steph and Jack had made things official, mostly from how bright red her face was, but there was something about the two of them that nearly made me want to vomit. They were just so fucking cute.


"Jack is going to be like a small child on crack for the rest of the day," Alex snorted, his hand reaching out to grab mine without even thinking about it. I could feel the tingles rushing through my skin again. "This is going to be a day none of us ever forget."


Alex was absolutely right, this would be a day that I never forget. This was the one situation I could make light of in all the darnkess that had been following me around. However, the fear that he'd snake his way into my heart and leave me shattered remained. I'm Jessie, I'm always supposed to be okay, I'm always supposed to be strong. But another let-down would leave me broken-down, that's for sure. Most things I could easily run from, I was well aware of this, but if something were to go wrong between me and Alex, it wouldn't be something I could push away so simply. I'd still have to see him because of Steph. Furthermore, the sensation he gave me whenever he was around was already tattooed on my heart. Even if, for no fault by my own, Alex and I parted ways.. I would always want to let him back in.


"I guess we should get going," Alex pulled me from my thoughts. We'd spent the rest of the day talking, just the two of us, about everything and nothing all at once. The sun had gone down hours ago. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay, babe?"


Babe. It made me feel loved and disgusted to hear him call me that. Babe is not my name. Jessie is my name.


"All right," I forced a smile. "See you then."


Alex bent in, as if he were going to kiss me, and I could feel myself panic. He couldn't kiss me. If he kissed me, I'd turn to mush. Thankfully, thunder echoed through the trees before he had the chance. With that, Jack let out a girlish scream and started yelling for his best friend so they could begin the long walk home. Alex chuckled, giving my hand one last squeeze before he disappeared into the darnkess. I could breathe again.


"Oh my God," Steph squealed, dragging me off of the back of the truck. By the time we made it into the house, we were soaked from the rain. "We have boyfriends!"


"You make it sound like you've never had one of those before."


"That's not the point, Jess," she glared. "We are dating Alex and Jack. Holey cow!"


"Yeah, yeah," I mumbled, trying to fight the smile from consuming my face. "Onward, Rae. I want to snuggle."


Just like that, in all of four teenage girl glory, we gossiped until she fell asleep. Another night alone, but at least I was a little more complete.

Notes

Only because I love you did I update this! <3.