Two weeks into the school year and I was already starting to question how much of this shit I could take. Something felt different from last year. Maybe it was the fact that I didn't spend every free minute with Steph, though I didn't have one class wtih her. My very last class of the day, it was like an Elective with mild work. Aside from learning about babies and basic life skills, we simply cracked jokes and hung out with our classmates for an hour and a half. She sat at a table across from me, along with a girl who loved on her old road, one that we rarely spoke to. She'd also befriended a hyper active blonde I knew to be Adrian. The problem with Adrian was, she was always talking to me and Steph, just at different times. She even had the courage one day to ask me why I left scratches and bruises on Steph's face, which were still in tact the first week.


Regardless, I became friends with said girl, though she was nothing like Stephanie. Sometimes the amout of energy she had literally made me want to punch her in the face, just so she'd relax for a moment. I do owe Aidran a lot, however. It's because of the bond she created with me that she tried to make Rae hang out with me again. Had it not been for her and her pushing, I wouldn't have gotten a letter in gym class, when Steph transferred to my hour. It was an apology, and just like that, we were fine again.


"I'm so glad you forgave me," Stephanie giggled in our last hour, squished in at the table between Adrian and myself. "I thougth we would never be friends again."


"I never stopped being your friend, Rae. You're my best friend, even if you hate me I still love you. I just didn't talk to you because.. Well, I fucked up."


"I'm just glad you're okay. Daddy told me you were okay when he talked to your mom, but seeing you the first day of school made me feel better."


I avoided the conversation she was starting and finished my worksheet. Honestly, this was the only class I put any effort into. I'd already gotten written up in gym because I refused to join in on.. Anything. My World History teacher loathed me because I was a smart ass to her and my actual study period, which had been my elective, was a mess because because I was just as loud and out of control as the class clown - a redneck who liked to flirt. I guess that's why, within my first two weeks, I'd made more friends than I ever had. From Freshman to Seniors, everyone already knew who I was. It was just like Middle School, filled with a love I didn't deserve.


"Jesus, let's play rock, paper, scissors!"


Adrian had become a fan of one of my favorite games. It's just like the original game, only we beat the shit out of each other. Because of this game, I'd earned the nickname 'Jesus' and Adrian had become 'Santa,' while poor Steph got landed with Duck Jackson over a random conversation.


"Class is about to end, Santa."


She pouted at me as I collected all three of our worksheets and carried them to our teacher. She was a sweet woman, but she always tried to talk to me about pulling my grades up in my other classes. It was always along the lines of 'You had such good grades last year, even after the accident. If you apply yourself you could do great, Jessica! I see Virginia Tech in your future!'


Joining my friends back at the table, I saw a note on my binder that was obviously in Rae's chicken scratch, reading over it, it was a request for me to stay after school with her and hang out with Jack. My stomach flipped, but I'd rather hang out with them than go home. Shoving the note in my binder, I nodded my head and waited patiently for the final bell to sound.


We walked Adrian to her bus and gave her lots of big hugs before we parted ways. Stephanie and I caught up as we walked to off of school grounds and down to the strip, where a bunch of kids had already gathered. Stephanie led me into Hardee's, which is apparently where she was to meet Jack, but my heart nearly exploded when I saw Alex sitting at a booth with him.


"You know what? My mom is about to get off of work, I'll just tell her to swing by and get me. Have fun, Rae."


"No, Jessie! NO!" She grabbed my arm and tugged me towards the bathroom. "Listen to me, best friend. Things are different now. Daddy has been waiting on me and you to sort things out to really start dating your mom, and do you know why?"


"Because he's a horny fuck?"


"No! Because he kicked Kelly out! Jess, she's in Ohio. She's been gone for about five days."


"The fuck if I care. So what? Because Kelly is gone you and Jack think I'll suddenly be Alex's friend again? I don't think so. What he did is unforgiveable, Stephanie."


"It's not even like that. I wanted to talk to you about in class but Adrian didn't give me a chance. Alex dumped Kelly the moment he heard you tried to kill yourself."


"Fucking really? You told him about that?"


I wasn't angry at her for telling him about it. Before I even attemped it, I knew word would get out. Everyone who know how much of a failure I am.. I can't even kill myself. Not even death wanted me.


"Oh hush, it's okay. You're missing the point. He broke up with her and he wrote you a letter."


"I never got a letter."


Stephanie rolled her eyes and started digging around in her bag, her hand coming up clinging to a folded up letter. My heart skipped a beat. Did I really want to read that? Was it worth knowing that Alex became concerned about me the moment he heard that I wasn't okay? He couldn't possibly think this was his fault. Still, I took the letter from her hand and unfolded it, my heart racing with every crinkled.


Jessie,
I'm probably the last person you want to hear from and thats ok. What I did with Kelly was stupid and I regret it every single day. She was a piece of coal and you were my diamond. I was never happy with her but it seemed like no matter how close to you I got the worse you got. I love you with every ounce of my being and I'm truly more sorry than youll ever know. I'm glad your ok. You have my number if you want to talk. You mean everything to me baby.
Yours forever,
Alex.


Folding the letter back up, I poked my head around the corner and watched said boy stare out of the window. He looked tired and frazzled, though I couldn't be certain it was because of me. For all I know, he could just be missing Kelly, trying to fill her empty space with me again. Though.. Steph did say he dumped her...


Squeezing my eyes tight, I nodded my head to my best friend and allowed her to drag me to the table. Jack's eyes lit up when he saw me, and he pushed past his girlfriend to wrap his arms around my body. I must admit, it felt nice to be in his embrace again. Curling up into his chest, I gave his body a big squeeze. He kissed my forehead before he mumbled into my ear that he missed me and I better not pull any stupid shit again. A blush came to my cheeks as he sat down and pulled Steph into the booth with him, kissing her cheek sweetly. This left me to sit with Alex.


He awkwardly slid over and allowed me to sit beside him, keeping his arms tucked at his side so I wouldn't touch him. The way his lips were parted told me that he was trying to think of something to say, but he couldn't get the words out. Opposite of us, Stephanie and Jack stared awkwardly, the two of them trying to find a way to make this easier as well.


"All right, I'll speak," I sighed, brushing strands of hair away from my eyes. "I did something really stupid about three weeks ago, but that's no reason for you guys to treat me any differently. I was diagnosed with clinical depression which means I was sick long before you guys came along, okay? You had nothing to do with the choice I made. I don't think I really wanted to die, I just didn't want to exist anymore. I've already seen my therapist twice, I'm fine."


"But Jessie we were so scared that we lost you. Like, even if you recovered, the real you would be gone. You'd just be this.. Shell of a girl we used to know."


"Actually, Jack, I think I was the shell when you met me. I'm not good, but I'm better. Be that as it may," I turned my attention to Alex now, who was staring at me like I was the only person who mattered. "The fact that I'm alive and well doesn't mean I excuse the things that either of you did. In no way is it okay and in no way do I forgive you for what you did. It really fucking hurt me."


"I broke up with her," Alex mumbled, making my heart attept to leap out of my chest. "Right after I found out what happened to you, it was like a slap in the face, making me realize that I fucked up and I care for you more than I could ever care for her. You don't have to forgive me, but could you at least be my friend?"


"You don't deserve my friendship. You don't even deserve to speak to me," I half-smiled, putting a hand on his shoulder. Fuck, why did he make me so weak? "But because I know how it feels to make a stupid mistake, I can be your friend."


Alex sat there for a moment, seeming to take in my words, before a smile crept to his lips. Without warning, he threw his arms around my body and squished me into such a hug I could barely breathe. I giggled in his grip, relaxing my weight into him as he held me close against his body. Across from us, Jack and Steph were making 'awe' noises, which only made me laugh even more.


"Let's go to the movies!"


Alex released me long enough to stare at Jack, who was now shoving Steph out of the booth and chasing her through the doors. I glanced to Alex, his face was too close to mind for comfort and he wore a gentle smile. It was nice, but I wasn't so sure I was ready to talk to him in private, so I stood up, grabbed my bag and darted out of the door with Alex trailing behind me. Half way through the parking lot, he snatched me up and lifted me to his shoulder, squeals escaping my throat the entire time. Jack mocked his actions with Steph as they carried us to get our tickets.


The movie went by quickly and by the time we left the show, it was dark outside. I hadn't thought to ask Rae how we were getting home, but truthfully, I didn't care. It was Friday and I'd survived another week.


"Oh shit, is that Dennis over there?"


I followed Jack's gaze to the end of the parking lot. That was, in fact, Dennis. He hadn't' spoken to me since I punched Steph in the face. Steph nodded her head and frowned, leaning into Jack's chest.


"We should go. You guys hang back, I'm not supposed to hang out with you."


"What about me?" I questioned. "Am I okay?"


"Daddy forgave you the night it happened."


Nodding my head, I stepped away from my best friend to give her some privacy with her boyfriend, which meant that Alex and I were alone again. To ease my feelings, I dug around in my purse to find a half-empty pack of cigarettes. Bringing the stick to my lips, I lit it, sucking in the smoke.


"I missed you, Jessie," Alex smiled faintly, pulling me into his chest again. Why does he keep doing that? "That night at the party I just wanted to talk to you so bad."


"Yeah, sucks you chose to cuddle up with Kelly instead."


"I know, I'm sorry." He sighed, letting me go, though his hands were still on my shoulders. "I love you Jessie Ann."


"What?"


Alex answered my question by pushing his lips agaisnt my own. I wanted to feel fire, hate, all those things that made me almost forget about him to begin with, but I didn't. I fetl butterflies beating the shit out of me. Kissing him back slightly, I gathered myself and pulled away from him, my face pale and my chest rising and falling heavily.


"I'll call you," Alex smiled, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "Let's go, Jack-Off!"


Stephanie grabbed my arm as the boys left, pulling me towards her daddy's car. She was on cloud nine and I was trying to figure out how to jump off of it.


Fuck. I still loved him.

Notes

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