Anger. That's the only thing I've been feeling lately. School is right around the corner and my mom has yet to take me shopping. She's too busy getting drunk and fucking Dennis. Kristen has been complaining to me that she wants to share my bedroom with Steph and I, which would be okay if I had a bigger room and didn't like my privacy. The only time I managed to relieve myself, be it with a razor or using that razor to cut pills, was when Steph went to bed early or took a shower. Kelly was still staying with Dennis at the new place, which meant I didn't go over there. That's exactly why Dennis was always bringing Stephanie and Kristen to me.. That, and to fuck my mom.


This was one of the few nights that I didn't have to put on my game face and pretend that I'm doing just fine with all the shit crumbling around me. It had only been a week since the party and I've barely spoken to anyone but Rae. When she was here, Jack would request to speak to me on the phone, which usually meant I would speak to Rian and Zack as well, but hearing Alex in the background, sometimes with Kelly, it made me pass the phone back and bury my face in a pillow.


Since Stephanie wasn't here yet (Dennis has taken her out school shopping, go figure) I took the time to get back in touch with myself. I wrote in my journal, I drank as much of mom's liquor as I could managed, what with her being in the other room. I snorted some pills, I swallowed some pills and I sliced my skin open like a Christmas ham. I was feeling pretty good, loopy and sore, but good. Maybe that's why when Stephanie came through the door with a big grin on her lips and a cell phone in her hand, I cringed. I loved seeing her happy, but since the night of the party, we've been disconnected. It was killing me.


"You'll never believe the night I just had," She beamed, tossing her purse on the couch. I could feel the irritation in my guts make my skin crawl. "Daddy let me and Kristen go hang out with James and - Well, we had a blast. We all piled up into..."


"Alex's car?"


"Yeah," she giggled, as if it didn't bother me. "And we went mudding all over the place! We even put Jack in the truck and did spins and stuff to see if it scared him. Totally didn't. Then we went back to Alex's house and drank some beers and just hung out. It was just like old times, Jessie! Like nothing had changed!"


"News flash, Steph, I was right here all night. Let me guess, Kelly was there and she pretty much took my place?"


"She was there, but it's not like that."


"Bullshit," I grumbled, grabbing a pack of cigarettes out of the drawer. Fuck mom, I need a smoke.


"Oh, come on, Jess."


I was just about out of the door when Stephanie grabbed my arm. To be honest, I'm not sure what set me off. Maybe it was the way she grabbed me, maybe it was the mixture of pills and booze or maybe it was the simple fact that my best friend was hanging out with the two people who hurt me the most, being their best friend and forgiving them for everything. She was leaving me in the dust. No matter what it was, I snapped. Finally, I just broke down. Without even thinking, I raised my fist and decked Steph in the jaw, my nails grazing her face as my hand collided with her skin. I yanked my hand back quickly and covered my face, my breathing picking up with regret.


"Oh fuck. I'm so sorry, Rae," I managed, cursing myself mentally. "Shit. Are you okay?"


"What the fuck Jessie?!" Her voice boomed through the house. I could hear mom, Dennis and Kristen running through the house. Well, now I've done it. "Am I bleeding?"


She was bleeding. There were three perfect scratch marks down her face, which made my stomach churn. She was certain bruise and scab over this. When mom and Dennis reached the hall, mom kept Kris away from the scene while Dennis took Rae into his arms. She didn't look or speak to anyone, she just stormed through the house talking about how she wanted to leave and never see me again. By this point, mom and Dennis were arguing and Kristen was crying.


My head was spinning. In the span of three months, I've managed to lose my dad, my boyfriend, my best friend, now my other best friend and probably the entire family as a whole. This only meant there had to be something wrong with me. Some reason that people were screwing me over and bailing out. Not to mention, the screaming in the kitchen only reminded me of how much of a fuck up I'd been.


Trying not to break down and cry, I staggered into my mom's bedroom and ripped open the closet door. I knew no one would hear me, they were too wrapped up in their fight. See, my mom happens to be a nurse, which means all those things she comes home with after work are stored in her closet. I know this because when my dad first died, my sister tried to swallow all of the pills, but not to kill herself. Just to.. Go away for a while. So when that happened, my mom thought if she put them in her closet, they'd be safe. Mind you, she also thought her razors were safe. My sister got drunk one night and thought she'd swallow one of the razors she found in my room. By the end of the night my hands were dripping blood and she had a cut across her tongue, but we were both okay. To keep us both protected, we told mom it was one of her razors.


While the screaming was going on, I dragged the over-sized bag through the hall and shut my bedroom door behind me. I sat down on the ground and dumped the back, orange bottles falling all over the place. Sorting through them, I read the writing.


Ambien for my insomnia.
Tramadol for mom's whiplash.
Flezeril from my sister's car accident.


I dumped all three bottles in my mouth and washed them down with a half-empty beer I'd stolen from my mom ealier that day. From there, I grabbed whatever I could find and added them together, swallowing those as well. Unware of how much time had passed, I started to get woozy. The room was spinning around me as I tried to sit up, which really just resulted in me falling to the ground so hard someone heard it from the kitchen. The next thing I know, Steph is brushing hair away from my face and screaming for my mother. She barges into the room and starts cussing at Steph, asking her 'what the fuck did she take?!' and when Steph couldn't answer, my mom got angry.


Weakly, I rolled over to look at Rae. I mumbled an apology and tried to tell her I only took something for my headache. She relayed this to my mom who proceeded to tell Rae I must have taken more because I was so fucked up. Realizing that my mom would be of no help, Stephanie called Kristen to help carry me to the bathroom. They sat me down in front of the toilet and asked me to stick my finger down my throat and vomit. I couldn't lift my arm, so Steph did it for me. But when nothing came up, she got worried.


Somewhere in the middle of all of this, I mumbled to Steph that I wasn't sure if I really wanted to die or not, I just wanted to be at peace. Then, I blacked out.


When I awoke, I was back in the hospital. There were tubs hooked up to my body and my mom was talking to a doctor in the corner. My throat hurt severly and I didn't understand why I wasn't dead yet. What did I do wrong?


"Jessica Ann," my mother breathed, noticing that I was awake. "What the fuck?"


"That's no way to talk to your daughter who just attempted suicide," the doctor retorted, an angry look on his face. "Jessie, we had to pump your stomach. Can you tell me why you did this, sweetheart?"


"Why did you save me?" I asked, on the verge of tears. "Why didn't you let me go?"


"You have your whole life ahead of you, Jessie. Your mom told me what's been going on, with your friend and boyfriend, but it's not worth dying over."


"I wouldn't die for Alex," I growled, hot tears dripping down my face. "My reasons are better than that."


"Will you tell me about them?"


"No."


"Well listen, Jessica, school is just a few days away so we're not going to keep you here. What we are going to do though is make sure you go see a therapist. We'll call your mom with the details and you'll be seeing her once or twice a week."


I wanted to ask him what made him so sure I wouldn't attempt this again, but he knew just as well as I did that I wouldn't. Not yet, at least. I should probably get my affrais in order first.
Eventually, they let me leave the hospital and go back home. Mom didn't speak to me the whole time, and when we got to the house, it was oddly empty. There wasn't any life. My feet carried me to the bedroom where I quietly shut the door and collapsed on the couch. The idea of calling Steph to tell her that I'm okay crossed my mind, but she probably didn't even care. I would just have to survive these next fews day until school started.


At least at school, I wouldn't have to see or hear about Kelly and Alex. It would be an eight hour escape from home, too. My classes would more than likely contain a lot of my friends from middle school, might even have a few with Rae... But seeing Rae means not speaking to her, unless she still wants to speak to me, and if she does, that means I have to hear about Kelly and Alex and Jack and all of those people I didn't want to think about. It hurts to be forgotten. It hurts even more to want to forget people you love.

Notes

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