Jack realized around midnight that he could move again. He sat up very cautiously. He couldn't believe what happened. He stood up slowly and walked across the hall. He was quietly sobbing as he walked into the room he left Alex in a few hours ago. Jack walked in and lay down next to him.

"Lexy, we need to go. I don't want to be here anymore."

Alex rolled over to kiss Jack. He pulled away in tears.

"Nonono. Don't. FUCKING touch me. Not right now babe. I don't feel good. I'll be okay to drive I've only had four drinks and I've been... Uhm... Asleep" jack swallowed nervously. "Asleep for a while come on, I'll help you outside."

Alex sighed agreeably "alright baby. We can go, but I want a kiss kit-Kat."

Jack pecked Alex on the lips and pulled away.

"What was that Jacky? I want a real kiss." Alex grabbed Jack's shoulders and pulled him in close. "I want a kiss like this." He kissed him, bit his lip and rubbed up against him.

Jack pushed away. "Nonono. I said don't touch me. I'm not in the mood. Can we just go? I want to sleep in my own bed. Maybe take a shower."

Alex sighed and got up. "Fine you cockblock. We can go home and have fun."

"I SAID NO Alex." Jack exhaled and sighed. "Let’s just go!"

Alex got up and put his shoes and pants on. "Why did you leave me dressed? Who sleeps in blue jeans jack?"

"You fell asleep crying into my chest. I did not want to bother you. Now hurry please. I've told you four times that I want to go. You'd think you would HURRY THE FUCK UP. I WANT TO GO."

"Would you just wait ten more seconds, cranky-pants." Alex ran his fingers through his sleep hair and smiled at Jack, "Alright, let's go."

Alex reached for his boyfriend's hand, Jack pulled away at first, but he thought about Alex. Alex would never hurt him, not on purpose. He took his hand, but not very tightly. Like a baby holding its mothers finger for the first time. Jack felt like he had to re-learn everything that he had done so well for the last eighteen years.

Jack drove back to his house and parked in the garage. Alex opened the back door and walked into the kitchen.

"Holy crap Jack, I'm starving, let's order a pizza or Chinese food."

"Go ahead Alex; I'm going to take a shower."

Jack walked up stairs and started a shower. Hot as he could stand it. He took off his clothes. It felt so good to get out of them. Good couldn't even begin to describe it. Those clothes were covered in filth, he stepped into the shower and started to cry.

Jack fell to the floor and sobbed into the water. Jack stood up and grabbed his loofah He scrubbed and scrubbed his body, but still didn't feel clean. He cried while doing scrubbing and couldn't get clean.

"This isn't right, it will never be. I'll never be right again. Pa-pa-pathetic." He sobbed through his tears"dis-disgusting. You were used... And and and stupid stupid stupid enough. You're not smart. You're an idiot idiot idiot. Stupid stupid stupid. Failed failed failed failed. You you failed as a boyfriend to Alex. Look what you got yourself into. You went to a stupid party and you're just so fucking stupid." Jack banged his head against the bathroom wall. "stupid. Useless. Pa-pa-path-pathetic." Jack turned the water hotter and let it run down his chest. "My eyes hurt. My stomach hurts. My everything hurts." Jack whispered to himself.

"THIS ISN'T FUCKING HELPING." He pounded the faucet off and laid in the tub. He cried until his eyes couldn't hurt anymore. They were dry, he wasn't able cry anymore. He just sat in the tub making loud sad noises.

He pulled himself out of the shower and wrapped in a towel. He walked downstairs in his boxers and a tee. Alex had passed out in the main living room.

Jack sighed in relief. He could not and did not want to deal with Alex anymore tonight. He walked into the kitchen and grabbed two things. An ice cream bucket for Alex in case he threw up, and a bottle of cold medicine. He was not going to be able to sleep. It was drugs that got him raped and got him to think about taking these drugs. If this hadn't happened then he would be wrapped in Alex’s arms in his bed. Comfortable and loving, not having his forth panic attack of the night.
He swallowed a few shots of Nyquil and walked upstairs. He crawled into his bed, threw a few pillows around him and curled up into a blanket and cried again. His eyes still hurt from crying before, he felt like his eyes could cry forever.

In the morning Jack woke up, shook himself awake for the fifth time.

"Four am. It's been four fucking hours. I've been home four fucking hours, drank a half of bottle of Nyquil and still can't sleep." Jack started to cry again. "This isn't fair. I never asked for this. I never fucking asked for this. “Jack threw his pillow at the wall and sobbed into another pillow. “It just keeps playing in my head." Jack jumped off his bed. "This will not control your life. It will not ruin you."

He walked into his bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror. "You can stop crying. Maybe not right now, but you will be able... Able to stop." Jack wiped his face with the closest towel and screamed into it.

He wasn't tired he couldn't sleep he wasn't going to go through all this tonight. He swallowed the rest of the NyQuil and ventured downstairs. He took a sip of Captain Morgan and walked to his bedroom.

Notes

Breathe in Breathe out- Set It Off Title Credit