“Diana?” Alex groans, squinting at the turned on lights. His eyes grow wide as he sees I’m naked. “Get in here! One of the guys might see you.”

I quickly step in his room and close the door behind me. He motions for me to join him in his bed. I crawl under the covers with him and he pulls me in close, kissing me. I pull away.

“Alex. Why the hell am I naked? And why am I not naked in your bed? Who’s bed was I in?” My voice rose higher and higher with panic. Did I cheat on him? Was I raped?

“Well let’s just say I now know why you don’t drink.” He chuckles softly, stroking my cheek. “About an hour after I started drinking, you were hammered. I mean straight up hammered drunk. You were all over me and Jack.” He admitted with a hint of pain in his voice. I quickly reached up to his hand that was on my cheek, and held it. He offered up a small smile and continued. “You started getting pretty rowdy. You were dancing on me nasty and when I told you no more, you went over to Jack. You weren’t being mean; you just really wanted to dance. So I let you two dance for a while. After about 20 minutes or so, you came back to me and sat in my lap almost the whole time. Rian and Zach split and went to a club, and Jack had his girlfriend over and they disappeared. I was a little drunk, but I tried to stay sober for you. You pulled me off of my feet and led me back to my room, but Jack was so piss drunk he was already passed out on my bed, and his girlfriend was next to him. We went into Jack’s room and crashed there. I started to get…a little horny.” He blushed.

“So we had sex?” I asked, relieved that was all.

“Not quite…” He bit his lip with nervousness.

“Talk.” I stared at him, all of a sudden really nervous.

“I tried to. We started getting naked and you kept mumbling ‘stop’ but not with too serious of a tone, so I just figured you were trying to play the whole ‘I want sex but I’m going to act like I don’t so this turns a little rough’ game. I thought…I really thought you wanted to…” Alex looks like he is about to cry.

“Alex. What happened?”

“I tried. I went to go in you and you immediately started crying. You were sobbing saying ‘Payton stop. I said no Payton.’ I stopped, really freaked out and tried to hold you but you kept yelling at me to get out. You wouldn’t let me touch you. It’s as if you were terrified of me. So I let you be and went back to my room. I woke Jack and his girlfriend up and told them to crash in Rian’s room. Jack was too drunk to care still and his girlfriend drug him in there. Rian usually never comes home after clubs anyway. I went into my room and fell asleep in my bed. I wanted you next to me so badly…I wanted to help you. I just. I didn’t know how.” He closed his eyes shut tight, like he was trying to clear his memory.

My mind was racing. I didn’t want this to come up, just not yet. Payton was a door I tried to keep locked my whole life. I never thought it would come up ever again.

“Diana. Who’s Payton?” Alex asks me quietly.

“I. I have to go.” I jumped out of his bed and ran back to Jack’s room where I got my clothes and got dressed. Tears were streaming down my face as I remembered what had happened. Alex came into the room, tugging on a pair of sweatpants.

“Diana, please. Talk to me!” He begged me, his hair all messed up and his eyes burning with fear. “Don’t leave me please. I didn’t mean to do what I did. I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to do! I thought you wanted it…I did. I’m so fucking sorry Diana please don’t leave.”

I look up at him and kiss him lightly on the lips. “It’s ok. It isn’t your fault. I’ll be by in the morning okay? Just please, let me be.” I sniffle.

He looks down at me for a few seconds and finally steps to the side. “I love you.” Alex whispers on my way out.

I turn and look at him from the door. “I know you do. I love you too.”

I walk out of his loft and jog across the street to my loft. I walk inside the empty space and into the bedroom, where there are still two sleeping bags sitting in the middle of the floor. More tears start to spill over as I realize I just want Alex here. But at the same time, I don’t. I just need to be alone. I don’t want to talk about this. Not right now.

I crawl into one and close my eyes tight. All I can see now is Payton. His smug face as he tells his friends what happened the next day. His puppy eyes that he would make at me. The eyes he gave me that night…





I awoke in night sweats. I gasp and sit straight up, hoping Alex will pull me down next to him and comfort me. I quickly realize he’s not with me because I’m at my loft. We leave for tour tomorrow and I still haven’t cleared up the Payton thing with him. I glance down at my phone to see what time it is and see that it’s 10:43. I need Alex now. He’s my other half and I feel like I’m going to throw up without him. I grab my phone and run across the street and barge into Alex’s loft. No one is in the kitchen so I run right back to his bedroom. He’s lying in bed, staring at his ceiling quietly. As soon as he sees me, he sits up quickly.

“Diana! Come here please. I’m sorry please come here. Are you ok?” He asks, taking in my soaking wet clothes, rats nest hair, and wild eyes.

I strip down and ask him, “Is anyone home?”

Alex can’t take his eyes off of my body. “Nope.”

“I’m going to shower then. Join me if you wish.” I smile softly at him as I walk into the bathroom. I hear him jump out of bed and walk quickly behind me. I giggle at his eagerness.

I start the water as Alex takes his clothes off. I turn around and immediately, he pulls me into his arms and hugs me tightly.

“I missed you so much last night.” He whimpers into my hair. “Please don’t leave me like that again.”

I start to cry. I cry out of sorrow. I cry because I feel bad I left Alex. I cry that I didn’t tell him about Payton. I cry because of Payton. I cry just to cry. The tears won’t stop falling, no matter how hard I try. Alex continues to hug me tightly and strokes my hair.

“Hold on.” He says as he lets go of me. I look up at him and he walks over to the tub where the shower is starting up. He plugs up the drain and starts to fill the tub up with water. He goes under the sink and grabs out vanilla bath soap. He pours a lot of it into the tub and waits as the bubbles start to form. He walks back over to me as the tub fills up. “Listen, you don’t have to talk to me about what happened. You have a right to your own privacy. Just tell me when you are ready, if you want to. I’m going to be here for you no matter what the story is. I love you no matter what Diana, ok?”

I look up at him, tears still spilling down my cheeks. I stand on my tippy toes and lean in to kiss him. “Thank you. I needed that. I love you too.” I whisper as I rest my forehead against his.

We glance at the tub and it’s full. Alex turns off the water and gets in first. I follow after him and lie on top of him in the hot water, back against his stomach. The vanilla calms me down and the steam relaxes my body. Alex holds me around the waist, anchoring me to his body. I swear it’s like he knows exactly what I need. He kisses my temple and sighs.

“Goddamn. You have no idea how badly I wanted to barge into your loft last night and take you back here. I couldn’t sleep at all. I literally stayed awake ever since you left, sitting and staring at my ceiling. Jack came in and told me he’s going to be gone the rest of the day to spend time with his girl. Zach and Rian are out getting some final things they want to take with us on tour. They were all pretty worried about me.” Alex says.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered closing my eyes. “I just…I wasn’t ready to talk. I think I am now.”

I feel Alex’s arms tighten a little around my waist. “I’m here. Whether it’s now, or in a month, a year, or a lifetime. I’m going to be here.”

I know in that moment that I can trust Alex with anything. I know that he won’t hurt me and I know he deserves the truth. “Where do I even begin? I was 14 years old when my parents transferred me to a new school, with about 5 weeks until school was out. I didn’t know anyone, but it wasn’t a big deal because it was a school of 20 people. Immediately, I was drawn to a girl named Tess. She was short, had shoulder length awesome cut hair, and was wearing a Versaemerge shirt. I knew in that moment we would be good friends. I told her I loved her shirt and she offered to let me sit with her and her friends at lunch. She introduced me to her friends Tony, Payton, and Randy. Immediately, I was drawn to Payton. He was confident, funny, and had crystal blue eyes. He was genuinely sweet to me and made me feel comfortable. I loved them all. Well one thing led to another, and Payton and I became really close. We ended up becoming a couple. On the second day of us being boyfriend and girlfriend, he asked me to sneak out and hang with him at his friend Tony’s house. I gladly accepted, loving the thrill of sneaking out. He picked me up with Tony in the backseat. Tony passed me a water bottle full of 3 different flavors of Four Loko mixed together. I drank it, not knowing how strong it was. It just tasted like a fruit drink that had been spiked. Immediately, they laughed amazed I drank so much. By the time I got back to Tony’s, I was pretty buzzed. Tony went into the kitchen and cooked a steak while Payton and I cuddled on the couch.”

“Wait, where were Tony’s parents?” Alex asked confused. “You said you were only 14.”

“Tony was 16 and his parents were really cool. His dad didn’t care he let Tony drink all of the time. Tony already had tattoos. So having us over wasn’t a problem. Especially since the dad was asleep. Anyway, I continued to drink while Payton and I watched TV while cuddling. I remember telling him before I had even gotten there, whatever you do, whatever I say, do NOT let me have sex with you. I didn’t want to go that far yet. Payton and I started making out and he asked if I wanted to go swimming. Too drunk to care, I agreed and went swimming in my underwear and bra. I realized it was too cold, and we got out after about 2 minutes. I remember walking into Tony’s and he said to me “You must be pretty drunk.” I asked why and he said, “Because you are walking around in a bra and underwear in front of me and your boyfriend of 2 days.” I laughed it off and got a blanket and cuddled more with Payton. He and I started kissing again and he grabbed my hand and put it in his pants. Not thinking much of it, I let my hand play in there a little. We stopped and he handed me the drink again, so I drank the rest of it. I couldn’t walk straight, let alone talk right. He took me out to his car and started having sex with me. I didn’t want it, I told him I didn’t, but he did it anyway. I don’t remember the rest. I just remember when I woke up the next morning and went to school, word had gotten around I had slept with Payton. I was so embarrassed. I felt so taken advantage of. I felt like he didn’t care about me, he was just excited to lose his virginity. Ever since then, I try not to drink. Last night was probably the second time I have drank since then.” I finished realizing there were tears streaming down my face. I turn my head and look at Alex who is just staring at me. I can’t quite read his emotions.

“Please talk to me.” I beg him uneasily.

He sits there for a second, trying to find a way to put his words together. “How the hell are you still trusting in any guy? First Payton, then John. How can you trust me? Or anyone for that matter?” He asks incredulously.

“The sad part is, that’s not even all of it.” I laugh bitterly.

“I want to know it all. Every heartbreak, every guy that’s screwed you over, all of it.” Alex whispers in my ear, kissing it gently. “Only if you want to tell me.”

And I told him. I told him about Jimmy, the 18 year old that I dated when I was 14. I loved him and he loved me. I know he did. But one day, I ran away and my parents caught us. They made me go through a rape test, even though I swore it was consensual. They pressed charges and I still haven’t heard from him since. I told him about Hunter. He convinced me that if I slept with him, he would treat me like a girlfriend. He did, but it was never what I thought. I told him about Luke, a guy who I had wanted to date for years and finally I got him to sneak into my house. I thought we were going to kiss a little and hang out, it turned into sex. That turned into a regular thing. I never really wanted the sex; I just wanted to be his and when we had sex, that’s what it felt like. Then he got a girlfriend, and I was dropped. Simple as that.

As I talked about it, I realized that I sounded like a down right whore. But it was never like that. For me, I just wanted to be close to a guy. I had never had a boyfriend who treated me right. I knew after sex, came cuddling and I loved that. It made me feel so safe and wanted. I could sit there for hours in a guys arms and not say a word, but be incredibly happy. I never had a strong connection with my dad as a teenager. He was an alcoholic. When I was younger, I was daddy’s little girl. Then, things changed and he dropped me. So I continued to search for that feeling my dad gave me as a child. Guys never wanted to just cuddle and feel all mushy. So if it took sex to get there, I didn’t care. I felt cared about even though I see now I wasn’t.

That’s why when John came along I stuck with him. He treated me right. John would always make me feel special, and I didn’t have to have sex with him. He would send me reasons why he loved me, reasons why he needed me, and reasons why he was proud to call me his girlfriend. It was perfect. But we all know how that turned out.

I explained all of it to him. When I finished, I was shaking and sobbing. Alex tightened his grip around me and held me close to him, tight. He cooed in my ear, assuring me it was ok. I turned over in the tub, so now our stomachs were touching. I buried my face in his neck crying uncontrollably. He never let his arms leave my body. He held me and let me cry as hard as I wanted and didn’t say a word. But that’s all I needed. I finally settled down and sniffled.

“Diana, I need to ask you something. Please answer seriously.” Alex lifts my chin to make me look him dead in the eye. “Are you with me because you love me, or because you need me? And did you feel pressured for sex?”

I smile at him. “Alex. Here’s the thing. You are the very first guy that has treated me with respect. No one ever made sex that romantic for me. No one ever took the time to take me on a trip. None of them introduced me to their friends on the first night. You are the only one who has been there for me constant. I know that when I wake up, you will be next to me. I know that you aren’t having sex with me to tell your friends, or to get off. You are having sex with me because you care about me. I was ready to have sex with you long before you were ready to have sex with me. You’re so different, but I’m in love with it. I’m in love with you, Alex.” I grin at him kissing him lightly on the lips.

Slowly, a smile splits across his face and he hugs me tight. “I’m so sorry you were ever treated so wrong Diana. I promise to never hurt you like they did. You are my one and only.”

I smile and relax into his arms.

“But what ever happened to Tess?” He asked curiously.

I laughed. “She began to write and record songs and next thing you know, she’s touring with Transmit Now. We kept in touch throughout high school but when she started touring, she got busy. I understand though, I’m happy for her.”

“That’s pretty cool.” Alex grinned. “It’s a fun life, that’s for damn sure. You’re about to find out tomorrow.” He pokes me.

I giggle, excited. I guess I will find out soon enough. I have no idea what lies ahead for me, but all I know is that this is going to be one hell of a time.

Notes

Hey guys! Thanks for all of the support and patience. It really means a lot to me and makes me want to keep writing. Hope you enjoy the chapter!
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Everything you just read was what I went through as a kid. I want you all to understand that every girl you might see as a whore, has a story. Trust me, I regret every single one of them. I want you guys to understand that your first time can't be taken back. Sounds corny, I know trust me it does. You guys need to see it from someones point of view though that went through it, not someone looking from the outside. I really hope you all understand the chapter and if any of you are going through or have gone through something here and want to talk to me about it, feel free to message me. Please, actually I beg you do. It's better to talk about it to someone then not to. I don't judge at all and am only here to help. Thanks for taking the time to read.