I'm Not Ready For This [Entry #5]

It didn’t take very long to get to plot 171. I had memorized the walk the first week he was here. It was quite peaceful, I have to admit. With the birds singing and the occasional clunk as my guitar case hit my thigh. It was actually kind of pretty too, the grass was lush and green, flowers of every colour buried in the dirt, endless rows of headstones with different shapes and sizes covered the lawn. A small pond was visible from my husband’s resting place. As I neared closer, I had noticed a few bouquets of flowers resting at the bottom of the stone. May and Joyce must have already come, it is fairly late in the day after all.

Taking a few steps off the path, I reach his marker. I set my guitar down before I slump to the ground and pull Jack’s jacket closer around me. At first I sit facing the words, tracing them with my index finger.

JACK BARAKAT
BELOVED HUSBAND, BROTHER AND SON
JUNE 1988 - FEBRUARY 2013
SING ME TO SLEEP
I’LL SEE YOU IN MY DREAMS...

I began humming Lullabies to myself in hopes of keeping from breaking down. I couldn’t cry.. not in front of him. I missed him so much. I miss his smile that lit up any room, his laugh that never failed to warm my heart and his humour that always cheered me up. I miss his stupid hair, and his stupid clothes and his stupid body that was so nice to wake up to in the morning. I missed his stupid snores and his terrible cooking and how he would randomly pick up his guitar and start playing my favourite songs. I miss the surprise kisses that shut me up when I rambled and the way our hands fit perfectly together…..

Why did he have to go? Why him? He has a family, and friends. It’s not fair. It shouldn’t have ended this way.. I wish he could’ve just died peacefully in his sleep like Tom. I didn’t want him to suffer.

I wish, I miss, I love, I lost.

At this point I had shuffled to where my back and head was resting against the stone. My hands were fisting the bottom of Jack’s shirt. Why can’t he be here?

I tried to distract myself by taking out my guitar and playing random chords, but it was to no avail. The questions, blame and guilt kept running through my head. Maybe I should just play the song, he deserves to hear it.

After a few tries, I finally got the chords right. Right.. here goes nothing..

It all goes back to the first kiss
It was the one I thought I'd never miss
Maybe we were one of the lucky ones
Maybe I'm just not quite strong enough

This was supposed to be the easy part
But breaking down is what I found hard
Now I'm wearing this smile that I don't believe in
Inside I feel like screaming

She gave me every reason to believe I'd found the one
But my doubts somehow they sold me out

I'm bruised and scarred
Save me from this broken heart
All my love will slowly fade and fall apart
Someone please sing this lovesick melody
Call my name if you're afraid
I'm just a kiss away

I'm finding out in the hardest way
The consequence of every mistake I've ever made
Baby what's it like to be alone?
(Baby, what's it like to be alone)
I don't want to know, I don't want to know

She gave me every reason to believe I'd found the one
But my doubts somehow they sold me out

I'm bruised and scarred
Save me from this broken heart
All my love will slowly fade and fall apart
Someone please sing this lovesick melody
Call my name if you're afraid
I'm just a kiss away

So baby be honest
Is this what you wanted?
We lost what we started
And found out much more than we want to know
(More than we want to know)
About how we're letting go
(About how we're letting go)

So baby be honest
Is this what you wanted?
We lost what we started
And found out much more than we want to know

I'm bruised and scarred
Save me from this broken heart
All my love will slowly fade and fall apart
Someone please sing this lovesick melody
Call my name if you're afraid
I'm just a kiss away


As the last note faded, I couldn’t form coherent words. Whimpers fought there way out of my throat and I continued to gasp for nonexistent air. My hair completely covered my face when I pulled my knees to my chest and laid my head on top of them. It didn’t work, my breathing began to quicken even more. I shifted so my left side was against the rock and I traced the letters once again. One hand rhythmically switched from gripping my hair to the ground and back again while the other scratched and grabbed the stone. My flushed cheek was pressed against the rough tombstone which was sure to leave a mark from the way I was moving. My lip had a near-permanent placement between my teeth, and I glanced up to notice the clouds had covered the sun.

It was getting dark, but I didn’t leave. I never wanted to leave. I want to be with my love. I needed to. I was with him here, just a bit farther up than I’d like. I shifted once more.. laying face down into the earth this time. Gripping the soil in fear of leaving. Sobs still occasionally shook my body, but not as much anymore. My ear was pressed up against the grass, listening to Earth’s pulse. It was soothing, being here with my love for the first time in months and being rocked by the gentle thump of this gigantic sphere.

I finally felt safe, like I belonged. Like I was finally with my Jack.

Eventually the sobs turned into small gasps, that eventually turned into whimpers which slowed to quiet tears. My heart beats normally now, and even though I still breathe...

I am with the love of my life when I lay here in his clothes. My head resting by a large stone that bears his name. Hearing his sweet voice in my head, saying that he’s here. He will always be here and he will always love me as much as he did the day we met…..

I love you Jack.

I’m finally ready for this.

Notes

I'm not sure how I feel about this....

Song credit: Bruised and Scarred - Mayday Parade

xoxo
~TBW