Take a Breath, Say Goodbye

Alex hadn’t meant to lie to Jack. He’d kept up the façade in front of him and Rian so that everything wouldn’t go tits up. He could feel his insides crumbling. Slowly. Ever so slowly. Like the erosion of a cliff from the sea. It could take years for him to break, or one rock could dislodge at the wrong moment and he could break in a few seconds. He was frightened. So frightened. He knew he should call Rian, or even Jack, just have them come and sit with him, the house was so empty. So empty. But they were still there. It wasn’t real. Lisa would come from the kitchen in a moment holding a pizza she’d made him and he’d kiss her freckled nose and everything would be fine. Everything’s fine. Everything. Is. Fine. His nails dug into his palms and he could feel a trickle of blood dripping down the side of his hands but it was okay. Everything’s fine. The stairs were manageable. The bathroom floor was comfortable. Just a hairs breadth away. One quick slash. Boom. Done. That would be it. Everything’s fine. Everything’s fine.

Jack knew Alex had lied to him. He’d kept up a façade the whole time Rian was there. If you can’t be you in front of your best friend, who are you? Jack wanted to know who Alex was. He’d been stood on the doorstep for a good ten minutes. His hand was poised over the doorbell, but he didn’t want to ring, didn’t want to disturb Alex when the other man was obviously grieving. He swung a swift punch at the wall and told himself to “stop being a fucking pussy Barakat” and then rang the doorbell.

It had been too good to be true. Obviously. Alex hands had been seconds away from the razorblade on the side of the bath when the doorbell rang. Seconds of his miserable life left. Whoever was at the door had better have a pretty good fucking reason for keeping him alive because to be honest, it was the last thing Alex wanted. He took a quick look in the mirror before answering the door. He looked a fucking state. No way around it. His hair didn’t even have the dishevelled sexy look; it just looked greasy and messy and stuck up in stupid fucking places. There were blue/black bags under his eyes that looked painted on; contrasting against his pasty white skin. There was a five o’clock shadow that was passing the “too much” mark ghosting his chin and Alex, to be frank, didn’t give two fucks.

The door opened and Jack did a double take. As did Alex.
“Jack”
“Alex”

They said the names at the same time, both in shock at the state of the other. Jack took in the distressed, fatigued features. Alex took in the rugged beard growth, the unruly hair. Jack made the first move and just swept the other man into a hug. It was all Alex needed, he slumped, and Jack slowly lowered the two of them to the ground, Alex’s knees hit the floor first and he made no attempt to move himself into a more comfortable position, or stop himself from falling into any objects, so Jack just held him, held the other man as he felt sobs begin to shake his body.
“I knew you were lying to me, you banana, c’mon, shhhh” Alex continued to let out on Jack’s shoulder for a few more minutes, before he lifted his head, placed his hand behind Jack’s neck and pulled the man into a bone crunching hug.
“Thank you man, thank you so much”

Jack settled himself on the sofa, feeling the absence of a female presence coursing through him, feeling Alex’s grief filling the corners that should’ve exuded happiness. Jack had the unsettling feeling he’s arrived just at the right moment, everything about the place felt like something had been about to happen. Alex came through the door with two cups of coffee and settled himself next to Jack before putting his coffee on the table in front of them and handing the other cup to Jack. They sat in silence for a while, and within half an hour Jack had finished his coffee. Alex’s was collecting dust on the table.
“Dude, you gotta drink, or eat”
“Nah”
“No, dude, you gotta”
“Jack, I can’t, I don’t physically have an appetite, or a thirst, or anything, it’s like I’m broken”
“Don’t say that man, everything will get better”
“Will it Jack? I don’t mean to be rude, I know it must hurt like a motherfucker to lose your best friend, and Zack was a sound guy, but you’ll find other friends, find love. I lost everything, everyone. My parents are gone. The love of my life is gone. My unborn child didn’t even get here before it was gone. Everything up and leaves and I’m always left to deal with it alone Jack. Always.”
“Hey! You’re not alone you banana, I’m here!”
“Stop calling me a banana”
“…I call everyone a banana”
“I don’t care, stop it”
“Alex… you gotta stop pushing people away when they try to help you”
“I’m not pushing anyone away Jack! You’re being overbearing and annoying!”
“Alex. This is why you always have to deal with it alone. I’ve come over here out of my own day, my best friend, my only friend, is dead, gone Alex, gone forever, I’ve come over here to help you, because I knew you were taking it harder and you’re, to be frank, being a fucking asshole about it! I fucking know that it hurts. I know Alex! But pushing everyone away whenever it takes your fancy that you don’t want anyone and then complaining that you have nobody isn’t the way to go about this, Lisa wouldn’t want you moping around being a dickhead to everyone that passes! Get the fu-” A bang on Alex’s patio window stopped Jack mid-sentence.

“Who the fuck is in my yard?” All anger towards Jack was redirected to whoever was stood relentlessly banging on Alex’s patio window. Jack was partly relieved, but also a little frightened, it was a little past 8AM, and there were no bars close to Alex’s house. If it was a drunkard, he was a little far off. Whoever it was slid down the window and Alex and Jack leapt up when they noticed the trail of blood whoever it was left in their wake.
“Ho, shit! It’s someone who’s hurt, Jack the patio keys are hanging by the front door, get them in, I’ll get the first aid kit!” Alex rushed off into the kitchen without another word and Jack ran off in the other direction, down the hall towards the front door, stopping for a moment at the stairs, remembering how, just last week, he’d tripped on them and fallen onto Alex, knocking them both to the floor. Lisa had come to check if they were okay. Jack smiled at the memory, ignoring the stab of pain it brought with it. Last week everything had been better. He plucked the set of keys from its place on a hook by the door and ran back through the lounge to the patio door.

Whoever had been there was gone.

Notes