The Potato Fic

Rian was angry.

Not just a little angry, full blown pissed off. He was tired of Alex always calling him a potato. The fucker even had the nerve to say it in an interview that day! Was it because he had no hair? Was that it? Oh, Rian was sick of these jokes. It hurt his sad, fragile potato-like feelings. Rian began to cry.

No! Real men don't cry, Rian reminded himself and proceeded to suck the tears back up into his eyes with MANLINESS and TOSTESTERONE and WHATEVER THE FUCK ELSE MEN HAD (penis)

Grinning to himself mischieviously, Rian rubbed his hands together in the stereotypical deceiving villain pose before slinking off to the kitchen, humming bizzare songs to himself. Rian probably had found Zack's weed, that had to be it.

The expression never once leaving his face, Rian gathered his... instruments before tip-toeing through the house to find his good friend Alex Gaskarth.
Oh, Alex was in for a surprise, Rian thought with a giggle. (?) A vegetable sized surprise.

"Alex, dear!" Rian called, his voice echoing throughout the house, laced sugary sweet to disguise his somewhat absurd intentions. Just seconds later, Alex was hopping down the stairs, rounding the corner to find Rian himseff, giving him the most confusing of smiles. Needless to say, Alex was a bit confused.

"Uh, what's up?" He asks, confusion seeping into his voice. Rian's expression was a bit off-setting. Alex couldn't begin to comprehend what was going on.

"Alex," Rian started, turning around and gesturing for him to follow as he walked into the kitchen once again. "What have you been up to all day?" He was avoiding the subject, and didn't care if Alex noticed.

Alex shifted, leaning back against the table. "Um, just been playing Skyrim, not much," he turned his head to face his friend. "Rian, are you okay? You seem... off."
As if that was the keyword, Rian took the pleasure to pick Alex up and literally throw him back on to the table, causing a yell of surprise, pain, and confusion to errupt from his friend. Before Alex could get back up, Rian climbed on top of him and pinned him back down on to the table.

"Rian, what the fuck?!" Alex questionned angrily, his face redenning from the position they were put in. "What the hell are you doing?!"

Rian giggled again, and Alex wondered where he had picked that habit up from, because it was a bit creepy. "Oh, Alex. Do you have any idea what we're doing here?"

"Um, no. That's why I just asked."

The more dominant man laughed, tossing his head back, letting the maniacal snickers fall from his mouth and echo throughout the kitchen and house. "Oh, Alex. Alex, Alex, Alex," he said in a sing-song voice. "You honestly don't know?"

"No!" Alex cried angrily from under him. "Will you just get to the point, Jesus Christ!"

"THE POTATO JOKES!" Rian screamed into his face. "I'm so sick and fucking tired of these goddamn potato jokes! I don't even look like a potato. And they hurt my feelings," Rian sniffed a bit, his sad and childlike expression an astonishing change from before. "You are going to learn to pay the consequences, Alex."

Alex flinched. "Okay, Rian, I'm sorry about the potato jokes, alright? Potato jokes? Done. No more. Just... just please don't?"

Rian giggled again and really, Alex was getting a bit sick of that giggle because it was downright fucking weird. "Ah, no, Alex. It doesn't work that way. It actually ends in you getting potatoes shoved up your ass."

Alex stopped struggling, mouth hanging open and eyes narrowed in confusion because really, what the fuck? "What the fuck are you ON, Rian?! Did you find Zack's stash?"

"Mustache?"

"No, Rian, stash of drugs."

"Oh." Rian frowned slightly before shaking his head. "Nope, I'm completely sober, believe it or not."

"Oh, okay."

"Moving on," Rian said, rolling his eyes a bit. "This is the time where I tap into my wizard powers!"

Alex was fearing for his life. If Rian was sober, the he definately wasn't right in the head. "Okay, Rian, let me go please? Let's just end this now while we can?"

Rian shook his head. "We can't, we're already naked."

"I- WHAT THE FUCK?!" And strangely enough, they did happen to already be naked. How that had happened was a mystery to Alex. Maybe he was the one on drugs, not Rian. Maybe his was all an LCD induced hallucination.

"It's time, Alex," Rian said gravely. He pulled out his magic wand, where Alex really didn't know had come from either, and waved it about his head. "Potatois Anusatis!"
And that was when it happened.

Suddenly, out of complete nowhere, thousands of potatoes shot out of Rian's ass all screaming nonsensical words as they sailed through the sky and pierced through Alex's own ass, not just one by one, but two by two, eight by eight, all piling inside of his ass and shooting out of his really fucking sexy mouth.

"Yes!" Rian cried! "Fly my children! FLY!" Tears brimmed at the edge of his eyes as he saw his children that he had raised and watched grow up finally reached their adulthood, completing their purposebin life as they pierced through Alex's now battered and bloody asshole.

Alex, on the other hand, couldn't quite speak as potato after potato shot into his asshole, originally coming from Rian's, surging through all of his vital organs, tearing apart each of them with their mother fucking awesome potato powers, and then soared out of his mouth, in to the open air, singing in harmony as they completed everything that they had lived for, and died in mid air.

Speaking of dying, Alex wasn't quite alive either. That's probably what happens when you get your internal organs destroyed by an army of potatoes, but no one really cares because Alex is kind of a faggot.

Rian inhaled deeply as the last of the potatoes escaped his asshole, smiling from the release of tension inside of him. He finally stood back up, staring at Alex's limp body questioningly, sadly, before picking him up and tucking him into bed. Rian knew he was dead, but he didn't want the body stinking up the fucking kitchen, so he left him upstairs where he could rot until the end of time. Who needs a singer anyway?

Suddenly, he farted. Rian looked down in question as he felt something solid leave his body. He flushed red as he thought about actually POOPING, but was met with releif when he realssed what it was.

A potato.

Rian smiled, picking it up and biting into it raw with a proud grin on his face.

"Eeyup."

Notes

Like I said, I don't own this, I found it on Tumblr and thought everyone deserves to read it :)