Fake It For Me

At the time, I thought my night with Alex was going to be a one time thing. A last ditch effort, my form of closure if you will. I thought that we would have a chance to be together one last time and then it would be over. There would be no more wondering what would have been. Everything would simply be done with and I’d never think of us together romantically again.

But I was wrong, so completely, terribly wrong. Not only was that night not the last, but my longing thoughts for Alex continued as if everything was the same, which I guess it was considering how I’m still confused wondering if my engagement to Daniel is something that I really truly want.

I still cling to my thoughts of Alex, our one night together all those weeks ago was not the closure I’d hoped for. After it happened, I found myself wanting Alex more than ever and I soon found out that the feeling was mutual. It started out slowly, two weeks after we’d first hooked up I’d finally caved, texting him to ask if he wanted to hang out. He agreed to meet up and we ended up getting together sharing frantic, forceful kisses that bruised my lips and rushed words, that I can no longer remember as we pushed our way into a stall in the bathroom at Chili’s.

After that though, it seemed like we just couldn’t get enough of each other. What we thought was only a one time thing, soon become something that started happening weekly, then twice a week, then twice a day. I found myself counting down the hours until I could see Alex again and run my fingers through his hair. I found myself missing him when I knew I shouldn’t be like while making preparations for the wedding or talking to Daniel on the phone. I even caught myself thinking of Alex while kissing Daniel and even though I immediately quelled the thought I still couldn’t get him out of my mind. He seemed to be like a fly always nagging me, yet at the same time something I always wanted. There was never a wrong time for Alex and I found myself cancelling appointments and breaking dates just so I could savor a few precious hours with him.

I knew it was wrong. Of course I knew, but during those few hours together, I’d forget. I felt happier with Alex than I ever could be with Daniel. But as soon as we’d part ways, me heading to my car and him to his, I’d be overcome with the guilt of what I was doing and how wrong it was. At first it wasn’t so bad. I could ignore the guilt by promising myself that we’d stop. I’d end it, it was no big deal. But soon I started to realize that it wasn’t that simple and I couldn’t just end it. Being with Alex made me feel like I was on a high. He always knew just the right things to say or do that put Daniel to shame. I knew I wouldn’t be able to end our “relationship” if that’s what it even was and the guilt started to eat away at me. I couldn’t sleep or eat. And it was starting to show. Jack and Cass were worried about me. Alex’s concern was growing too, but I’d brush them off, preferring to be alone feeling my guilt.

Aside from all the drama with my conflicted feelings for Alex and the wedding, Daniel and I had picked up right where we’d left off. We didn’t discuss any of the problems we’d had before he dumped me, we simply continued with the relationship like our roles were scripted. I felt like a puppet within my own life, with Daniel always telling me what my plans are and what I should say next. I never really noticed the way I went along with things until Alex pointed it out one day as I helped him go grocery shopping.

“How can you not notice it?” He asked me, dumping in box after box of Lucky Charms. I rolled my eyes, pulling out the extra boxes and leaving only one, a box that we both knew he wouldn’t even finish because he’d be touring too much.

In response to his question, I shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I just got so used to being told what I should be doing that I never really questioned it.”

Alex didn’t say anything for a while and we continued shopping in silence. It didn’t bother me because although we weren’t talking we weren’t apart. Our fingers would somehow find their way to each other and interlock or we’d accidentally walk into each other, our shoulders bumping.

At one point as I reached up to grab a carton of chocolate milk I knew Jack would appreciate, Alex reached around me, hugging me to him. I smiled as he nuzzled my neck. “You don’t deserve to be told what to do. You’re too good for that.” He pressed his lips to my neck, only for a second, and then quickly moved away from me.

I found it weird how his comment made me uneasy, as most of Alex’s comments on my relationship with Daniel did. I knew he hated seeing us together, he’d broken up with Kelsey and was now a single man, but I didn’t know what to do about it. Whenever he’d tell me that I was too good for Daniel, I didn’t know if he expected me to come running into his arms. I didn’t know if I expected myself too either, so I never did.

Alex’s comment was still on my mind as I came to my apartment, startled to find Daniel there seated on my couch as if it was his own. We’d agreed not to move in together until we were married and I remember feeling so relieved I might’ve cried.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” I asked wearily, still unsure of how he even got in.

“What the hell happened to you?” He asked, springing up from his seat. He was dressed in a suit, his hair slicked back, and he looked pissed.

“I was out. Why are you so dressed up?”

“I’m so dressed up because I had plans, actually we had plans and you never showed.” His face was blotchy and red as he raised his voice, spit spewing from his mouth as he said each word. “Where the fuck were you? Tonight was my big night, for once I thought maybe it would be about me and you would actually be able to do something right, but obviously I was wrong. You fucked that up and there I was with my boss and his family looking like a fucking idiot! You better be able to explain yourself.”

My heart was racing with panic, hating the fact that Daniel is yelling at me, that I’ve opened his eyes to how horrible I am. Hating the fact that I’ve disappointed him. “I’m so sorry. I forgot. I swear it won’t happen again.”

Daniel laughs, and it sounds harsh and unnatural. “You’re damn right it will never happen again. Next time you’ll answer the fucking phone when I call you. Do you understand?”

As he turns to the bedroom, loosening his tie, I remember Alex’s words earlier about Daniel and his controlling rage and suddenly I’m so angry that I’ve been so blind all these years. Words pour out of my mouth, all the things I used to dream of screaming at Daniel about how I hate how he belittles me and makes me feel so stupid and so unnecessary. I tell him about how I hate his stupid catch phrases and the way he is at restaurants, how he never wants to have fun, and how whenever we have sex I have to picture someone else just to get in the mood. I don’t know how long I yelled for and I don’t really remember most of what I said, but I remember telling him that we were through and then right after that vomiting all over his “new and expensive suit”. I gave him his ring and showed him out and once he left I wanted to cry and scream and laugh because I no longer felt the pressure of always trying to be perfect for Daniel.

….

My eyes flew from the clock to the stick bouncing up and down on my legs as I waited nervously for the 2 minute waiting period to be over.

I didn’t know what I was expecting from this pregnancy test. If it was positive, I had a baby but did I have someone to raise it with? Did I want someone to raise it with? I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t decide whether or not it was okay to break into Alex’s life like that. To just show up and say, “Hey, so I’m pregnant and it’s yours. Take care of us”. I couldn’t do that to him. I couldn’t ruin his life, his future. What if he felt obligated to marry me? I couldn’t force him into something he didn’t want, with someone he doesn’t love. But I couldn’t not say anything either. I’m pretty sure that against the law.

And if I’m not pregnant, what will I do then? I have a whole life ahead of me. I have unfinished business to take care of. Things to discover about myself. I’d be happy without a baby right?

I couldn’t bring myself to answer that question. I couldn’t bring myself to calm down enough to figure out what I wanted.

I just knew that a few weeks ago I’d thrown up on Daniel and I’d thought it was just food poisoning. But then I’d thrown up each day for the past three weeks after that. I hadn’t realized that I’d missed my past two periods because of all my fooling around with Alex. I knew that if I was pregnant the baby couldn’t possibly be Daniel’s because after he’d proposed I couldn’t go through with having sex with him so I proposed we waited until the wedding night. I also knew that all of these facts put together told any logical person that I was pregnant, but I still needed proof. I needed this test.

I glanced at the clock again, realizing that three minutes had passed, but I couldn’t look at the test. What if I am pregnant? I wondered. What am I going to do? At the back of my mind a small voice reasoned, you won’t know if you don’t look. I gripped the small stick in my hand and brought it up to my face and as I saw the sign, I let out a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding. I felt so happy about something I didn’t even think would contribute to my happiness.

Standing up, I reached in my back pocket and dialed a number that was so familiar to me, calling a person that I hadn’t spoken to in weeks. “What’s up?”

I took another breath and closed my eyes, leaning back against the bathroom door. “Alex, we need to talk.”

Notes

oh my god it's been so long i actually forgot about this story but i was cleaning my closet this morning and i found the notebook that i started writing this in and i was like omg i missed this so i thought as like a wow its been almost a year since i started this story on here i might as well finish it up. i hope this chapter didn't seem rushed or anything if any of you out there are still even reading it but i think the next chapter will be the end if i can even bring myself to write it