“Ugh, I’m so glad we’re doing this.” Cass says, propping her feet up on the coffee table. “I feel like we haven’t hung out in forever. What’s going on with Fallon?”

I smile and reach over into the popcorn bowl positioned between us. After weeks of me living with Cass, we’re finally having a girl’s night. Just me and Cass, a few movies and nail polish. “Nothing’s really going on with me.”

Cass rolls her eyes. “Oh please, you’re back together with Daniel and you’re trying to tell me that nothing’s going on?”

I shrug in reply. Daniel and I had gotten back together, officially, after Alex has given me the shocking news that he and Kelsey were a thing. To say I was shocked at that news would be an understatement, when Alex told me I was speechless for a moment too long and I almost thought he was joking. But when I realized that he was serious, I wanted to yell at him and ask him why. But I knew that I couldn’t. Even if Alex is dating the one person that I hate most on this Earth, I don’t think I want to try and risk our friendship again by over-reacting. “Daniel and I are back together, everything’s great. How are you?”

“Oh no.” Cass says narrowing her eyes. “You are not just saying everything’s fine. You’re trying to tell me that you aren’t totally freaking out about Alex dating Kelsey?” Her nose wrinkles in disgust when she says this as she generously applies a coat of light pink nail polish to my nails. “Because I am, like what the hell is that about?”

I shrug and look over at Cass, who’s squinting at the polish in her hands. “I honestly don’t know and I don’t want to know. It’s not my business. I’m friends with Alex again and that’s all that matters. As long as he doesn’t bring Kelsey around she’s out of sight, out of mind.”

I’m actually trying to stick to this path of peace. Lately so many people have been asking me about Alex and Kelsey and I’ve responded with this same answer, receiving many shocked expressions. Especially from All Time Low fans who have come to recognize me and at first, when we’d first come back to Baltimore a lot of them would come up to me searching for Alex and when I had to break the news that we were seeing other people, the shock on their faces was so clearly evident, like they thought Alex and I would stay together forever.

But I knew better and I’d learned from past mistakes. Over the past few months, Alex and I had really tried to repair our friendship and I realized how much I’d missed Alex’s company. I don’t want to lose that over some backstabbing bitch that Alex deems worthy of his time.

“But Fal,” Cass takes a deep breath and turns to face me on the sofa, almost spilling both bottles of nail polish as she does so. I shoot her a look, knowing well that if anything fell I would end up cleaning it. “This is your Alex. You and Alex together, forever, that was the plan.”

I smile softly and shake my head. “No it wasn’t. Alex isn’t mine, he never was. He’s happy now. I was just holding him back and I know it. I loved him, I really did. But I had to let him go because we obviously weren’t working. I hurt him a lot, way more than I’d realized at first and he was the only one feeling shit for it because I blamed him for everything. I can’t be with him, no matter how much I love him, if I know that all I’m doing is making him suffer for his mistakes over and over again. It’s not fair Cass. I can’t do that to him.”

I sigh, letting out a huge breath. I’ve never told anyone any of these things, not even Jack, but as they leave my lips I realize that it’s all true and I finally find an explanation for why I’m not as upset about Alex’s new girlfriend as everyone else. Finally, for the first time I get to watch Alex be happy and know for sure that I’m not standing in his way.

“But are you happy?” Cass asks softly, snuggling up closer to me. She rests her head on my shoulder. “I know that you’re gonna say ‘Cass this isn’t about me’ but it is. Alex’s happiness matters just as much as yours does. So answer the question Fallon, are you happy?”

I don’t take time to think about my answer, blurting out yes before anything even processes in my mind. I just smile and nod at Cass as we finally decide to start the movie and order a pizza so Cass can flirt with the pizza boy enough so we can get a pizza for free.

But about halfway into the movie, her question finally clicks and I realize what she’s asked me and my thoughts immediately go to Daniel as I wonder if he makes me happy. I still feel the same nervousness when I’m around him. My hands are still slick with sweat when he calls, but when he touches me, my skin doesn’t absorb his warmth and sometimes when he calls me I have to force myself to answer and not just send him to voicemail. I know that it’s wrong that sometimes when we’re together my thoughts drifting to Alex more than I would like and that when I lauhg at his jokes it’s because I don’t want him to feel bad, not because I think they’re funny. I know that most of the times that we fool around I’m not into it and I just want to stop and curl up on the bed and call Jack to watch Home Alone together. I know that this isn’t how a relationship supposed to be but maybe it just takes some time to get there. So maybe I’m not happy right now, but that’s okay. I’ll just have to wait.

Notes

I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH YOU ARE ALL AMAZING. I loved every single one of your comments and most of them made me laugh. I hope you guys all know that sometimes I go back and read the chapters after you've commented just to see why you say the things you do and after reading last chapter I felt the same way omg I hated myself for a little while and I wanted to change it but i can't :(

Next chapter is going to either kill you guys and make you hate me even more or make you really happy and love me I'm not sure