Alex.

I sigh loudly as I finally emerge from my room and I trudge down the stairs, hearing my weight drop into every step. After my encounter with Fallon, I stayed holed up in my room desperately trying to pour out every emotion I felt into a song, but failing. No matter what words I put down on paper, I'd cross them out, completely unsatisfied with the words and the way I tried to fit them together.

As I enter the kitchen, I’m surprised to see Jack sitting at the counter, flipping through a magazine. He looks up at me as I enter the kitchen and doesn’t do anything but watch as I take out some orange juice and pour it into a mug. “What?” I ask finally, after a few moments of his constant gaze. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Why was Kelsey trying to sneak out of here this morning?”

I pause and look at Jack, quickly looking away when I catch his gaze. A pit of guilt forms in my gut and I immediately think of Fallon. Once she crosses my mind though, I scold myself for feelign bad. I have nothing to be guilty of, I didn't do anything wrong. I shrug in response to Jack’s question, trying to appear nonchalant. “She had somewhere to be.”

This is a lie and also not the answer Jack’s looking for. I woke Kelsey up and told her to leave because I couldn’t just watch her lay there without feeling some type of guilt or worry that someone would find her and ask me about it. It seems like I wasn’t effective considering Jack saw her anyway.

“What the fuck is wrong with you man?” Jack asks, his voice rising. “Did you know that Fallon was here today? She could’ve easily seen! Not only that shit, but I thought you were tryign to fix things with her!”

I roll my eyes at Jack, which only causes him to get even more worked up. “I’m not keeping this a secret for you this time. I don’t care how much you ask for it. This is way more serious than anything that happened in highschool.”

“Go ahead, tell Fallon.” I shrug, tossing my empty cup in the sink. “While you’re at it you can tell her that I saw her leave with Daniel and I know all about her fucking around with him. She’s not so innocent either Jack.”

Jack laughs, a response I wasn’t expecting from him. “You think she hooked up with Daniel? She threw up on him. And then she passed out. She woke up this morning and came straight here. I bet Kelsey planted it in your mind that Fallon and Daniel got together so she could get with you. Fuck Alex, you didn’t even stop to think about what you were doing. You just screwed around because you assumed Fallon was doing something.”

I look at Jack, trying to figure out if he’s joking. He has to be. There’s no way Fallon didn’t hook up with Daniel. I shake my head, thinking about what Jack’s just told me. “I saw it. I saw them. She left with him Jack. I’m not lying.”

Jack stands up from his seat and shoots me a pitying look. “Nothing happened between them Alex. She freaked out because she told you that she loves you last night. She can barely remember most of the night because she was so drunk.”

Of course she was drunk. I can’t blame her for anything because she was so drunk, but I wasn’t. I was so completely sober last night. Everything I did, I did on purpose. I did it for a reason. There’s no explanation for my actions besides the fact that I wanted to be a complete dick. “Fuck!” I yell slamming my fists down on the countertop. “Why do I do this Jack? Why do I fuck everything up?”

Jack sighs and pulls me into a quick hug. “You can fix this.”

I nod and grab my keys, moving quickly to get to my car. The entire ride over to Fallon's, I can’t stop thinking about how this is all my fault again. It’s always me. I can’t ever seem to do anything right by Fallon. It’s not fair to her that I keep fucking up her life. Again, it’s like my actions are completely disconnected from my brain and although my brain tells me to do one thing, I end up doing the exact opposite. I do the exact thing that ends up hurting the person I can’t bear to hurt the most.

Pulling into the parking lot, I quickly abandon my car and jog up the stairs to the apartment taking them two at a time. By the time I reach the door I’m out of breath and I pound on it heavily hoping that she’s home. But the door never opens and I slide down the wall, trying to catch my breath.

I think about getting up to leave, but I don’t. I refuse to make the same mistake I made all those years ago and just watch Fallon walk out of my life. So I rest my head against the wall and wait.

I’m not sure how much time has passed when I wake up, still in the same spot, my neck aching. I sigh and check the time, 9:15. Obviously, Fallon isn’t coming, I think, pushing myself up and stretching. But just as I’m about to walk away from the door, Fallon walks around the corner, laughing, a smile on her face. Just seeing her brings a smile to my face, which promptly falls as I see Daniel come into view behind her.

“Alex.” Fallon breathes when she notices me. The smile on Daniel’s face drops as he nods in my direction. “What are you doing here?”

I fidget uncomfortably. What’s she doing with him? I shrug, trying to show that I’m not at all bothered by her being with Daniel, even though just seeing them together makes my stomach flip. “I, I wanted to talk to you about some things.” I look over at Daniel again. “Privately.”

Daniel nods and takes a step back, smiling at me. “It’s cool. I’ll go. But I had a great time Fal, we should do this again.”

Fallon smiles brightly and nods. “Definitely.”

As he turns to leave I let out an inaudible sigh of relief, but then he leans forward and kisses her softly and I feel my heart drop down into my gut. I watch in horror, as he whispers something into her ear that makes a light blush creep up onto her cheeks. She nods and smiles and we both watch him disappear down the hall, before Fallon turns to look back at me.

After seeing that episode, I’ve forgotten what I came to talk to Fallon about. I forget the apologies I wanted to spew out and the confessions I wanted to tell. I’m back at square one, the point of unavoidable hurt and anger. I’m trying to piece my thoughts together as Fallon unlocks the door and when we’re finally both settled in I still don’t know what to tell her.

“You’re seeing Daniel again?” The words just slip out of my mouth and I don’t even regret them. I feel my heart aching to know if this is true and hoping that it isn’t.

But Fallon looks over at me and bites her lips nodding. “I think so. I mean I’m not sure, but he’s trying to work things out.”

I don’t say anything in reply, but I watch her face, her beautiful face. I look into her blue eyes, trying to see if this is what she wants. At this point, I can only think about doing what’s right for Fallon even if it means hurting myself in the process. I’ve put her through too much and I can't simply try and turn everything around because I’m ready for a change. It’s selfish and if I've learned anything from these past few months with Fallon, it's that I can't be selfish with her. And as I gaze into her eyes I don’t see any uncertainty, so I nod and clear my throat, searching for the right words to say and when I do speak, I finally say the one thing that I know will finalize the way things are between us for good.

“Fal there's something I have to tell you. Kelsey and I are back together.”