“Fallon what are you doing?”

I don’t look up from my laptop at Jack, who tumbles into the bunk with me, squeezing me in. “I’m reading articles about my relationship with Alex.” I mumble, piling my feet onto Jack’s lap.

I’d been doing this all morning, while avoiding Alex who I haven’t spoken to since our kiss at the diner two days ago. It’s been really difficult to avoid him, since we do live on the same bus together, but I’ve managed to never leave this bunk until all the guys leave and to pretend to be sleeping every time they come back. I was planning on avoiding Alex until I leave on Saturday, but deep down I know that I can't be a coward and I have to confront him sometime.

“Why?” He asks, lazily flicking through the magazines next to me.

I honestly didn’t know why I was doing it. I was just checking my email late last night and found one from my mom telling me that she’s read an article about Alex and I and oh aren’t we the cutest? I clicked on the link, finding pictures of me and Alex laughing or just talking or walking hand in hand. I couldn’t remember when any of the pictures were taken but each one brought me to another link of photos and so on. I just couldn’t stop looking at us and reading the comments.

There were so many comments. Some from girls who criticized me, one of them calling me a blonde bitch, another saying I was fat and flat chested. There were more nice ones than bad. Many of them were fans who were happy to see Alex happy.

“Fal, what are you doing, to Alex?” Jack asks softly. At this question I look up, but not at Jack. I look at the back of the bunk, behind him, at pictures that Alex tacked up. Most were of family and friends and I realize now that I’m in most of them. Hidden, but there.

“I’m not doing anything to him.” I reply, never tearing my eyes away from a picture of Jack and I’m standing behind him making a face.

“Come on Fallon. He’s miserable.” I know that he is. I could hear every restless movement or sound he made when passing by the bunk. I knew he wanted to say something, anything to me, but he never did. He would only pause by the bunk for a moment, and each time he did my heart would jump into my throat. On the first day he came onto the bus furious, looking for me, demanding why I left him, but I stayed behind the curtain, never venturing out into the bus until I heard the last steps hit the pavement.

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” I say tiredly, sighing. I didn’t know what to tell him. I didn’t know how to tell him how I felt. Feel.

“Talk to me.”

These three simple words do it. I pour out my feelings to Jack, telling him what happened at the diner and why I ran. I tell him all the things I’ve been thinking about Alex since we started up again. I tell Jack about how I miss Alex so much but I know that I can’t cross that bridge again. “He ruined me Jack. I loved him so much and I can’t do it. I can’t keep being the one who gets hurt. It’s not fucking fair.”

Jack pulls me into his arms, crushing me to him. I don’t cry. I just enjoy the comfort of my best friend and how he’s always here for me no matter what. “You hurt him too.” Jack finally says after a few moments of our comfortable silence.

“He deserves it.” I mutter bitterly, knowing that I don’t mean it. But saying just because I feel like I need to.

“Do you really feel that way?” Jack asks softly. I shake my head against his chest and he sighs. “I love you, you know that? I hate it when you're upset.” He says looking down at me.

“I love you too.” I say smiling into his shirt.

“I also love Alex and I think that you both deserve to be happy. If you make him happy and as much as you hate to admit it, he makes you happy why aren’t you trying to enjoy the mutual happiness?”

“He doesn’t make me happy.” I try to protest, but we both know that this is a lie. We both know that the greatest time of my life was when I was with Alex.

“You need to do something whether you like it or not. You can’t keeping being afraid of how you feel Fal.” Jack says pulling away from me so that he can look at me.

“It’s not so easy when every time I give into my feelings I’m always the one feeling hurt and abandoned. It’s always me. Even now after what happened I still feel hurt.” I feel so frustrated and so angry at how unfair this situation is.

Jack is quiet for a moment. “Just don’t forget that you’re not the only one who’s hurting. Alex cares about you Fal, he really does and he’s worried about you and mad at you at the same time.”

I sigh in response.

“I hate seeing you guys like this.” Jack says, kissing my forehead and crawling out of the bunk.

I don’t respond because I don’t know what to say. Alex is hurting just like I am and I know that, but how should I fix it when I can’t even try to control my feelings around him.


…



“Look Kelsey,” I sigh, closing my eyes and resting it on the back of the bunk. “I get that you’re mad that I left and I know that you don’t support me coming to see Alex, but I did it and it was my decision and you have to accept it.”

“Fine, whatever. If you want Alex to fuck you over like last time, I won’t stand in your way. But I will there to tell you that I was right.” Kelsey snaps.

I sigh again in frustration. For some reason Kelsey had gotten really pissed when I told her that I was going to surprise Alex on tour and she immediately told me that I was making a huge mistake. I mean I totally understand that she’s trying to protect me, but I feel like she’s trying to be my mom and it’s getting so annoying.

“Whatever,” Kelsey says again, after my long silence. “Just remember that this isn’t real Fallon. He doesn’t really want you.”

I feel a scowl immediately scrunch up my face as it does whenever she says this. The fact that my relationship with Alex isn’t real is the only thing that Kelsey ever points out to me. And then she’ll say things like “he’s just faking Fallon, don’t forget that” just as I was starting to really think that maybe Alex had changed. Sometimes, I was really grateful for Kelsey, she pulled me out of the fantasy I had set up for myself believing that Alex might have changed. But lately, it’s like whenever she says it, she wants it to hurt me more than anything.

“I’m not a fucking idiot Kelsey. I know it’s not real. God, what the fuck is wrong with you lately? Why are you so against everything I do with Alex?”

“I’m just trying to protect you from the inevitable. When Alex breaks your heart again, you’ll wish you had taken my advice when you had the chance.” She says this slowly, like she’s trying to make sure every word sinks in. Mission accomplished Kelsey, because her words hurt me more than I ever thought they would and I find myself hanging up the phone, not even bothering to reply.

I don’t even know what led to this argument about Alex. I hadn’t even mentioned him our conversation yet. I was only telling her about how much fun I was having on tour and then she went ballistic, and started ranting on about Alex and me. She made me so frustrated and I feel a lump start to rise in my throat at her words.

I already have enough to deal with today. After my talk with Jack I decided that I needed to fix things with Alex. Although after countless hours on the bus alone with nothing to do, I still don’t know how I’m going to fix it.

“Hey,” The curtain of the bunk is pulled aside, revealing Jack, the rest of the boys trailing behind him. “Is everything okay?”

I pull a reassuring smile onto my face. “Yeah, Kelsey is just being Kelsey.”

“Do you want to play FIFA with us?” Zack asks quietly.

“Nah,” I say, shaking my head. “I think I’ll just head off to bed.”

They all nod and I watch as Zack retreats, a sad look on his face.

“Alex,” I start taking a deep breath not knowing what to say. “You can have your bunk back. I feel like shit for stealing it from you.” That’s the best I can come up with? I wonder. How about I’m sorry for being and unstable, overemotional bitch these past few days?

“No, I’m fine. You stay.” He mumbles, turning away. I can tell he’s still mad and I feel so bad about it, but I can’t bring my mouth the form the words I’m sorry.

I shake my head. “I’m not going to let you sleep on that awful couch. If you’re not going to take the bunk then at least share it with me.”

Alex looks at me, his chocolate brown eyes widening. I understand his surprise because I hadn’t planned to say that, the words just flew out of my mouth and now I realize that I can’t take them back. “What?” He asks, his eyes never leaving mine.

I shrug, trying to appear casual even though my heart is racing. Why did I say that? I obviously don’t mean it. “It is your bunk and I promise I won’t kick you or anything. I just hate that you sleep on that damn couch.”

Alex doesn’t say anything but looks at me, still shocked by my offer. “Are you going to say anything or are you just going to keep looking at me like that?” I ask him, getting a little annoyed that he’s taking this so seriously and also a little relieved that maybe this could be my apology. This is how I can make it up to him.

“Yeah,” He breathes, a bright smile crossing his face. “I was gonna crash now so, cool.”

I can’t stop myself from smiling too, his is so contagious and I laugh nervously at how awkward this will be. “Cool.”

When we actually settle ourselves into his bunk, the bunk is too small to hold us both in the vertical position. In the end, I’m curled up into Alex and his arms are around me, the only way we can both sleep comfortably. Immediately, I remember how we used to curl up like this together when we dated and just talk about everything and I find myself missing those days so much. I think back to what Kelsey said and realize that maybe she’s right. Maybe I’m getting myself in too deep.

So when Alex whispers goodnight to me and kisses me on my forehead, I pretend to be asleep, but I can’t fight the huge smile spreading across my face.

Notes

okay so i'm thinking that i might maybe make a sequel but i'm not sure yet. if i do make one though then the end to this story is coming soon!!!
Thanks for the comments!