She's Been Running Through My Dreams
~One~
Dear Jack,
I love you so much, baby. I don’t think you know how much. But I have to do this. It’s better for you, and for me. I’m too much of a fuck up to be alive. It was eating at me. I was drowning in a sea of my own sadness….and this is the only way out.
If you’re reading this, then it’s already too late. I’ve taken the pills.
Do me this one favor, Jack. I’m begging you to do this.
Please, don’t be sad. I’m much better now. Happier, safer. Please don’t feel like this is your fault. It isn’t in any way. You helped me through so much, and I will always be grateful to you for that. But I just couldn’t hold on any longer.
I love you, I love you, I love you. Never forget that.
All my love,
Olivia.
After reading Liv’s note, I sat in shock for a minute.
There was no way that she actually killed herself. This was just a terrible nightmare. I’d wake up and drive over to her apartment, and we’d have a good laugh about it.
But then, reality set in.
“Shit!” I screamed, barely remembering to grab my keys as I left the room. Like the devil was at my heels, I ran to my car and threw myself in, jamming the key in the ignition, turning the car on, and peeling out of my parking spot.
I must have broken about ten laws and ran about five red lights, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t thinking. The only thing on my mind was getting to Olivia, and somehow saving her before it was too late.
About five minutes later, I swung into Olivia’s driveway. Without bothering to turn off the car, I dashed up the driveway and flung the front door open.
Silence.
“Olivia?”
I walked further into the house, my footsteps echoing. A feeling of dread was slowly building up in the pit of my stomach.
“Liv? Baby?” I called out again. Still nothing.
“Please, god, just be asleep. Please, please, PLEASE just be sleeping.” Muttering to myself, I dashed down the hallway to her bedroom, kicking the door open.
And there she was. Curled up on her bed in a fetal position, facing away from me.
“Olivia?” I spoke softly, moving towards her. She didn’t stir.
I touched her shoulder gently, shaking her. “Liv, baby, wake up.” Still nothing.
Realizing the worst, I felt for her pulse.
Nothing.
I was too late.
Olivia was dead.
“No…” I muttered, feeling the tears build up. “No, please….” I moved Olivia’s hair from her face. “Liv, wake up, please!” I yelled, shaking her shoulders. “Don’t do this to me, I fucking need you!” Tears were streaming down my face as I hugged her body, hoping by some miracle that she’d come back to me.
“Please don’t leave me…. I love you.”
***
The next few hours had been a whirlwind of ambulances, policemen, and sadness. I barely remembered any of it. The only thing I remember was having a complete breakdown when they wheeled Olivia’s body out of her house.
It didn’t seem real. It felt like a horrible, awful nightmare. I was praying to be woken up by someone. But deep down, I knew it was real. I knew my angel had left me, and that she was now a real angel.
“There’s nothing you can do now, son.” A police offer spoke. “She’s gone. The best thing you can do now is go home and try to get some rest. He looked me right in the eye. “I’m so sorry.”
Without another word, I shrugged his hand off and trudged back to my car, the weight of my sadness overwhelming. I got in and locked the door.
“FUCK!” I screamed, letting loose. “FUCK FUCK FUCK!” I punched the steering wheel before putting my head in my hands, sobbing. Everything was starting to sink in. Reality was hitting at full force. And I didn’t like it.
“Jack!” A familiar voice spoke, knocking on my windshield. I looked up and saw Karin and Jamie standing at my windshield, both wearing an identical expression of sadness. With a heavy sigh, I opened my car door and got out, leaning against the side of it. For a second, we all stared in silence and stared at each other, unsure of what to say. But then the girls closed the distance between the three of us, enveloping me in a hug.
We must have sat there and cried in silence for only five minutes, but it seemed like hours.
“I’m so sorry, Jack…” Jamie whispered, wiping her eyes. “I know how much Liv meant to you… She meant a lot to all of us.” Karin nodded her agreement, unable to speak.
“Yeah…. Yeah she did.” I spoke, kicking at the ground slightly, unsure of what to say. What exactly DO you say to your girlfriend’s best friends after she killed herself? We all just looked around, watching as the police cars and the ambulance left, one by one.
“Are you going back to your place tonight?” Karin asked as the final police car left Olivia’s
driveway. I looked up at her, nodding my head negatively. “I don’t think I can be alone tonight, Kar….” I sighed. Karin and Jamie looked at each other before Karin spoke.
“Well, you can come stay with me and Alex tonight. Connor hasn’t seen his Uncle Jack in a long time.” We all smiled at the mention of Alex and Karin’s one and a half year old son. I nodded affirmatively. “Sure. I’ll stay with you guys tonight.” With that, we all hugged once again before climbing into our separate cars and driving away.
I almost didn’t follow Karin to her and Alex’s house. I almost drove right back to my apartment, to spend the night with a bottle of Jack Daniels and pictures of Olivia for company. I didn’t want to be around anyone at that moment, much less another couple. Seeing them hug or kiss, or even just give each other that loving look…it would tear me a part. But I knew it would be better for me to be around people. I probably would have done something stupid if I wasn’t. Like try to kill myself. So I followed Karin back to her and Alex’s house, sighing softly to myself as I drove.
When we reached a stoplight, I glanced down at the passenger seat. My eyes caught sight of something pink. I picked it up, my heart sinking when I realized that it was Olivia’s hoodie. It still smelled faintly of her signature scent—cigarettes and vanilla body spray from Bath and Body Works.
As the light turned green and I drove to Karin and Alex’s place, I reminisced about the last time Olivia had been in my car, three nights before.
***
I was driving her back to her house after our dinner date. Normally, Liv would come back to my place, spend the night, and go back in the morning. But she had to go back to her place. She had an early class that she couldn’t miss or be late for.
“Baby,” I whined, slinging an arm around her as I drove. She chuckled. “Are you sure that you can’t come back to my apartment? I wanna cuddle with youuuuu.”
Olivia smiled and shook her head, gently removing my arm from around her. “I wanna cuddle with you, too, baby. But I’m sure. Professor Hayes will kill me if I’m late for class one more time.” She kissed my temple, causing me to blush slightly. “I’ll come over and we’ll snuggle soon, okay?” Olivia squeezed my hand, giving me a grin. I thought I saw a hint of something sad in her eyes, but I dismissed it.
“Okay, baby.” I pouted, still sort of smiling. “I love you, Liv.”
“I love you, too, Jack.” Olivia dropped her head onto my shoulder, yawning slightly.
We settled into a comfortable silence for the rest of the ride to her place. It was nice, really. The two of us with no noise except for the radio playing faintly. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Sadly, I pulled up in Olivia’s driveway all too soon. I looked over at her, a frown on my face. “Well, here you go, baby.” Olivia sighed, leaning over slightly to kiss me.
“Barakat, don’t give me that pouty face.” She smirked, ruffling my hair. “I’ll call you tomorrow night?”
“Sounds good, babe. Love you.”
“Love you too.” Olivia gave me one final kiss before getting out of my car, leaving her hoodie behind. I thought briefly about getting out of the car and handing it back to her, but I dismissed it.
I would give it to her the next day.
I love you so much, baby. I don’t think you know how much. But I have to do this. It’s better for you, and for me. I’m too much of a fuck up to be alive. It was eating at me. I was drowning in a sea of my own sadness….and this is the only way out.
If you’re reading this, then it’s already too late. I’ve taken the pills.
Do me this one favor, Jack. I’m begging you to do this.
Please, don’t be sad. I’m much better now. Happier, safer. Please don’t feel like this is your fault. It isn’t in any way. You helped me through so much, and I will always be grateful to you for that. But I just couldn’t hold on any longer.
I love you, I love you, I love you. Never forget that.
All my love,
Olivia.
After reading Liv’s note, I sat in shock for a minute.
There was no way that she actually killed herself. This was just a terrible nightmare. I’d wake up and drive over to her apartment, and we’d have a good laugh about it.
But then, reality set in.
“Shit!” I screamed, barely remembering to grab my keys as I left the room. Like the devil was at my heels, I ran to my car and threw myself in, jamming the key in the ignition, turning the car on, and peeling out of my parking spot.
I must have broken about ten laws and ran about five red lights, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t thinking. The only thing on my mind was getting to Olivia, and somehow saving her before it was too late.
About five minutes later, I swung into Olivia’s driveway. Without bothering to turn off the car, I dashed up the driveway and flung the front door open.
Silence.
“Olivia?”
I walked further into the house, my footsteps echoing. A feeling of dread was slowly building up in the pit of my stomach.
“Liv? Baby?” I called out again. Still nothing.
“Please, god, just be asleep. Please, please, PLEASE just be sleeping.” Muttering to myself, I dashed down the hallway to her bedroom, kicking the door open.
And there she was. Curled up on her bed in a fetal position, facing away from me.
“Olivia?” I spoke softly, moving towards her. She didn’t stir.
I touched her shoulder gently, shaking her. “Liv, baby, wake up.” Still nothing.
Realizing the worst, I felt for her pulse.
Nothing.
I was too late.
Olivia was dead.
“No…” I muttered, feeling the tears build up. “No, please….” I moved Olivia’s hair from her face. “Liv, wake up, please!” I yelled, shaking her shoulders. “Don’t do this to me, I fucking need you!” Tears were streaming down my face as I hugged her body, hoping by some miracle that she’d come back to me.
“Please don’t leave me…. I love you.”
***
The next few hours had been a whirlwind of ambulances, policemen, and sadness. I barely remembered any of it. The only thing I remember was having a complete breakdown when they wheeled Olivia’s body out of her house.
It didn’t seem real. It felt like a horrible, awful nightmare. I was praying to be woken up by someone. But deep down, I knew it was real. I knew my angel had left me, and that she was now a real angel.
“There’s nothing you can do now, son.” A police offer spoke. “She’s gone. The best thing you can do now is go home and try to get some rest. He looked me right in the eye. “I’m so sorry.”
Without another word, I shrugged his hand off and trudged back to my car, the weight of my sadness overwhelming. I got in and locked the door.
“FUCK!” I screamed, letting loose. “FUCK FUCK FUCK!” I punched the steering wheel before putting my head in my hands, sobbing. Everything was starting to sink in. Reality was hitting at full force. And I didn’t like it.
“Jack!” A familiar voice spoke, knocking on my windshield. I looked up and saw Karin and Jamie standing at my windshield, both wearing an identical expression of sadness. With a heavy sigh, I opened my car door and got out, leaning against the side of it. For a second, we all stared in silence and stared at each other, unsure of what to say. But then the girls closed the distance between the three of us, enveloping me in a hug.
We must have sat there and cried in silence for only five minutes, but it seemed like hours.
“I’m so sorry, Jack…” Jamie whispered, wiping her eyes. “I know how much Liv meant to you… She meant a lot to all of us.” Karin nodded her agreement, unable to speak.
“Yeah…. Yeah she did.” I spoke, kicking at the ground slightly, unsure of what to say. What exactly DO you say to your girlfriend’s best friends after she killed herself? We all just looked around, watching as the police cars and the ambulance left, one by one.
“Are you going back to your place tonight?” Karin asked as the final police car left Olivia’s
driveway. I looked up at her, nodding my head negatively. “I don’t think I can be alone tonight, Kar….” I sighed. Karin and Jamie looked at each other before Karin spoke.
“Well, you can come stay with me and Alex tonight. Connor hasn’t seen his Uncle Jack in a long time.” We all smiled at the mention of Alex and Karin’s one and a half year old son. I nodded affirmatively. “Sure. I’ll stay with you guys tonight.” With that, we all hugged once again before climbing into our separate cars and driving away.
I almost didn’t follow Karin to her and Alex’s house. I almost drove right back to my apartment, to spend the night with a bottle of Jack Daniels and pictures of Olivia for company. I didn’t want to be around anyone at that moment, much less another couple. Seeing them hug or kiss, or even just give each other that loving look…it would tear me a part. But I knew it would be better for me to be around people. I probably would have done something stupid if I wasn’t. Like try to kill myself. So I followed Karin back to her and Alex’s house, sighing softly to myself as I drove.
When we reached a stoplight, I glanced down at the passenger seat. My eyes caught sight of something pink. I picked it up, my heart sinking when I realized that it was Olivia’s hoodie. It still smelled faintly of her signature scent—cigarettes and vanilla body spray from Bath and Body Works.
As the light turned green and I drove to Karin and Alex’s place, I reminisced about the last time Olivia had been in my car, three nights before.
***
I was driving her back to her house after our dinner date. Normally, Liv would come back to my place, spend the night, and go back in the morning. But she had to go back to her place. She had an early class that she couldn’t miss or be late for.
“Baby,” I whined, slinging an arm around her as I drove. She chuckled. “Are you sure that you can’t come back to my apartment? I wanna cuddle with youuuuu.”
Olivia smiled and shook her head, gently removing my arm from around her. “I wanna cuddle with you, too, baby. But I’m sure. Professor Hayes will kill me if I’m late for class one more time.” She kissed my temple, causing me to blush slightly. “I’ll come over and we’ll snuggle soon, okay?” Olivia squeezed my hand, giving me a grin. I thought I saw a hint of something sad in her eyes, but I dismissed it.
“Okay, baby.” I pouted, still sort of smiling. “I love you, Liv.”
“I love you, too, Jack.” Olivia dropped her head onto my shoulder, yawning slightly.
We settled into a comfortable silence for the rest of the ride to her place. It was nice, really. The two of us with no noise except for the radio playing faintly. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Sadly, I pulled up in Olivia’s driveway all too soon. I looked over at her, a frown on my face. “Well, here you go, baby.” Olivia sighed, leaning over slightly to kiss me.
“Barakat, don’t give me that pouty face.” She smirked, ruffling my hair. “I’ll call you tomorrow night?”
“Sounds good, babe. Love you.”
“Love you too.” Olivia gave me one final kiss before getting out of my car, leaving her hoodie behind. I thought briefly about getting out of the car and handing it back to her, but I dismissed it.
I would give it to her the next day.
