Destined To Explode

Christmas was nice. It was quiet; there was no drama, no angst, just me and my slightly uptight Mother, spending the day stuffing our faces with her amazing food and then candy without even changing out of our pyjamas.

We reminisced about my childhood, laughing about the things that she could remember about me from when I was barely walking and then when Jack suddenly popped into the picture and never left again because we became inseparable to the point where I apparently used to tantrum every time that I had to leave his side and cry if he couldn’t come over to play dolls with me.

I listen for hours when she talks about her own upbringing – no matter how many times I hear the stories of her teenage years, I won’t ever stop her from telling me again, they fascinate me to no end and I love to hear how my Grandma reacted to her and Joyce’s actions. We also discuss my Dad in quiet voices, the subject sore for my Mom who had loved the man with all of her heart and was always so sad because I had never got to truly meet him, his life having ended when I was barely one year old.

I finally let myself talk about Rick with someone other than Alex, admitting how lonely and isolated I had felt when it started to happen, how I used to feel like it was my fault – that I had done something wrong. I tell her how I had felt on the day when Marky discovered what was happening, how he made me realise that what Rick was doing was wrong and that I needed to get away but never truly having the guts to do it because everything about Chicago had been so familiar.

I warily bring up Alex and I, revealing my worries about how scared I was to start anything up in fear or falling too deep and too fast for the boy who had a reputation for breaking hearts, including mine, not that I had ever treated his any better. Telling her of our previous ‘relationship’, the one that nobody other than Alex and I had known about until Jack had discovered it barely a week before we decided to split it off for our own good.

When I finally make it to bed, being it who knows what time in the morning, I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and finally feeling like I’m at home.

* * * *

“Fuck me, Zicarelli.” Alex pants as he collapses next to me, his chest rising and falling as fast as mine as I tilt my head to smile at him, our eyes meeting as he closes the spaces again and pushes our lips together, letting them slide together with a familiar ease.

“I just did, Gaskarth.” I wink at him as I turn onto my side, tugging the sheet so it’s back covering my body, the tired smile reappearing on my face when Alex pulls the comforter back over us both, shuffling himself closer to me again, pressing our chests together and tangling our legs despite the sheen of sweat that layers both of our bodies. “What time is it?”

Alex groans as he leans up onto his elbows, leaning over me slightly to hit the button in the digital clock behind me before falling back down, arm going over my waist. “Just after one.”

I hum. “You leave at six, right?”

Alex nods, his eyes closed, exhaustion clearly winning. “Jack’s getting here about five.”

“Want me to stay until then?”

Alex nods again, a little slower this time, arm tightening a little over my middle. “Of course, Baby.”

It’s easy to sleep tucked up in Alex’s arms like this, my nose pressed into the side of his neck while he rests his chin on top of my head, hand working small circles into my sore hips while he’s still conscious, our shallow breathing lulling each other into a dream world.

I wake up a few hours later, the miserable feeling already rising in my chest as I shuffle from under Alex’s arm, knowing that my mere movement won’t wake him. I quickly shuffle around, pulling on my clothes as I go, including the hoodie that Alex had been wearing before we had stumbled into the room and our clothes had been shed. With one last smile towards the slumbering body, I leave the room quietly, departing the house and making my way back home, head down as I wonder what Alex is going to think when he wakes up again – but what other choice did I have?

We had agreed that when he came back from tour, we weren’t going to carry on with this, that he was going to try again with Lisa and we were going to stay friends for as long as possible. One thing that I hadn’t agreed on was staying in the state. As soon as Alex, Jack, Rian and Zack left in that dirty white van, I would be heading to Illinois to go to College just like I had promised myself months before I became too attached to Alex and almost wrecked my future for the occasional fumble under the sheets.

* * * *

“We’re going out tonight.” Jack announces as he strolls into the lounge of my house, throwing himself down onto the couch by my side, effectively sitting on all of my new sketches and he shoots me an apologetic smile as he pulls them out from under his ass and pats them down onto the coffee table. “You down for that?”

“When am I not, Jackary?” I smile, throwing my sketchbook down on top of the already used paper, clicking the music off on the laptop by the pile. “Everyone else is back, right?”

Jack grins and nods. “This is basically our Christmas party.” He’s practically bouncing from the excitement. “Even though Christmas was two days ago.”

I smile at him, shaking my head. “What time do I need to be ready by?”

“Well, everyone’s meeting at Alex’s for ‘pre-game’ drinks about six and then we will probably leave about seven, so just get over there sometime between then.”

“Do you think that Alex would let me park at his place? No way can I walk to his in heels without either falling or being violated.”

That sends Jack into a fit of giggles as I roll my eyes. “Alex would probably come and piggy-back you to his house if you asked, you know? Of course he’s not going to say no to you parking your car in front of his house, fucking hell, Poppy.”

“Well, excuse me for asking!” I poke my tongue out. “Anyway, you can fuck off now, I’m technically at work.”

“No, you’re at home, sat on your couch, eating Goldfish and tracing my face onto t-shirt templates because you have no life, apparently.”

I scowl at him as he smirks in my direction, getting up from his seat and heading towards my kitchen, just as the front door opens and Alex enters with a grin. “Hey, Popsicle.”

“Just treat this place like an open house, why don’t you?” I mumble under my breath as I follow my cousin through the rooms, motioning for Alex to follow. “Jack, there’s nothing to eat in the medicine cabinet.”

“I just came over to invite you out tonight.” Alex smiles as I turn to him with an eyebrow raised. “Well, more like force you to come out. We’re meeting -”

“At your house for drinks at six etcetera. I know. Jack here has already told me that I’m joining you guys on another ‘wild night on the town’. Evan better remember to bring ID because I am not going to be the one who ends up at iHop with him.”

“Well, did Jack tell you that I plan on getting you incredibly drunk and then taking you back to mine?” Alex’s whisper is barely audible to me as he leans in close, so I’m happy that Jack won’t be able to hear the comment with his head stuck in my fridge.

“Well, that changes things, doesn’t it?” Alex looks triumphant as he stands up straight, winking at me. “I guess that I’m washing my hair instead.”

“You’re such a cock block.” He groans as I walk away towards the pantry, planning to throw Jack out of my house with a family size packet of Doritos as a bribe to leave me alone.

“Only with you, Gaskarth.”

Notes