Destined To Explode

I can’t help but remember everyone’s faces when I had first stepped into the full room where everyone just seemed to stop and stare blatantly at me, including Jack who was still apparently shocked by it all.

Everyone just waited in silence for the last few people to arrive, Alex staying close with his hand resting on my back as I can’t seem to relax into the couch, my hands wringing together as I contemplate what I’m even going to say when it’s time to explain.

When Vinny finally saunters in, his eyes never leaving my face even when Matt hits him around the back of his head or when Alex drags me up to stand in the middle of the crowd, which not only consists of All Time Low band and crew but half of the Baltimore gang; Cass as well as mine and Jack’s family.

“Okay, so I guess that Jack called this little gathering to explain why Poppy is back and explain to everyone at the same time so you don’t all ask individually and drag this shit out.” Alex starts. “I’m pretty sure that you have all heard of Rick at some point but basically, he is Poppy’s dick of an ex-boyfriend who did this shit to her face, okay? All you need to know is that she is coming on tour and nothing that you say or complain about is going to change my mind.”

“Or mine.” Jack pipes up. “She’ll be selling Glamour Kills stuff with Vinny. Marky is setting stuff into motion for this collaboration to be a big deal so they will probably sponsor the whole tour.”

Alex nods at Jack when he finishes. “Matt, I know that you’re probably fuming right now as are the rest of you, for whatever reason be it with Rick or be it with this huge ass change but can we all just keep everything calm.” He gestures to me. “Once Poppy is done, I’ll come and talk details, okay?”

There are murmurs in agreement as I swallow the lump in my throat. “Um, so I don’t really know what I’m meant to be saying but you don’t have to tell me sorry and stuff, I’m sorry enough for myself. Rick is out of the equation completely now, I hope and I guess that I’m sorry that this had to get so serious before I did anything about it. Yeah, just, sorry.”

It’s awkward for a few moments before May literally tries to hug me to death, Cassadee taking over straight away and then it goes from there. I’m passed around from person to person, people threatening Rick’s life, telling me that they hope that I’m okay and that I don’t need to be sorry. My Mom’s crying when I reach her, her sister, Jack’s Mom trying to stop her, telling her that it’s not going to help and when they both notice me, I smile gently.

“I didn’t shed any tears Mom, so there’s no need for you to.” I’m embraced by my Mother and Auntie at the same time, both of them telling me how brave I am as I try to control the tears that actually want to fall.

When I walk over to join most of the All Time Low band and crew, everything felt like normal.

Matt quizzes me on any details that I know about with what Marky’s doing, to which I instruct him to contact the man himself because I’m pretty clueless. Vinny is all grins because he’s apparently really excited for someone else to be helping him who isn’t just hired help from the venue and he engages me in merch talk for at least ten minutes before Alex tugs me over to stand with Matt, Jack and Jeff who are wanting to talk seriously about the logistics of me touring with them, like whether I would be travelling with them to Europe as well or if it would be better if I only went to Europe with the collaboration thing to try and give people a chance to get some GK items without having the extra shipping costs added to them.

People start leaving about an hour later, a few people going now and then because after all, this is basically everyone’s vacation and with it getting pretty close to Christmas, people were getting ready to travel to different states to see their families and being stuck in Jack’s house all day, probably wasn’t in any of their plans.

* * * *

I can’t sleep again that night; my brain was constantly ticking around in circles thinking about how people looked at me when either I or they stepped into the lounge at the Barakat’s. The shock, the questioning, the sympathy, the pity that radiated from them as they all sat per Alex’s request, keeping silent as I shied away from the attention.

I never did ask what they thought had happened, seeing as though most of them took an intake of breath when Alex had announced that my face was like this through no accident and I let myself wonder if most of them would have believed a simple lie of ‘I fell down some stairs’ or ‘I face planted the sidewalk’, instead of revealing the truth.

I don’t bother tossing and turning for hours like last time, or for Alex to get up to check on me, instead I grab the too comfortable pillow from my bed and silently tiptoe my way across the hall, sliding Alex’s door open as quietly as I can, surprised to see him actually away, bedside lamp casting the room in a yellow glow.

“What’s up, Pops?” A barely there smile appears as he taps the bed for me to sit down. “Rian and Cass fucking or something?”

I laugh quietly with a shake of my head, daring to hit his arm as I mock disgust. “I just can’t sleep in general.”

“Have you got insomnia or some shit, Poppy?” He chuckles, sliding over in the bed as I impatiently tug at the covers. “Because no amount of my humming can solve that unfortunately.”

Baltimore in December, just after one am was not the time for him to be keeping me out in the open in my pyjamas because I was likely to freeze and then he would have that on his head.

“Just shut up, Gaskarth.” I mumble, already finding his bed remarkably more comfortable than the one that I had been given. “No wonder I can’t sleep, my bed’s made of concrete or something.”

“We didn’t exactly buy it in mind that someone was going to constantly sleep on it. It’s just there to fill space.”

I don’t see a point in replying to him, instead focusing on letting my brain relax and my tired eyes close now that he’s shut off the lamp in favour of letting the clouded moon illuminate the room, my whole body seeming to settle instead of feeling restless.

“I don’t know whether it’s you or the fact that I’m just generally not alone but one of them definitely helps me sleep.” I murmur as I feel Alex shift in the bed so that he’s laid down too.

“I’m gonna boost my ego and say it’s all down to me and-“

“If you say ‘God like body’, I will not refrain from kneeing you in the balls, Lex.”

“There’s the Poppy I know."

* * * *

“Uh, you guys didn’t fuck, right?” Rian questions when we’re all sat around the breakfast bar the morning after, eating cereal because none of us could be bothered to cook. “Because when I went to wake you up, Alex, you two were like, tangled together in a knot.”

I feel like I could choke on my Lucky Charms at Rian’s bluntness and only manage to breathe properly when Alex frantically shakes his head. “Poppy has been having trouble sleeping so…”

Cass glances at me quickly and I shake my head to confirm that Alex is telling the truth and not trying to cover our asses. “Could you have asked that in a harsher way?”

Rian blanches at the accusation from his girlfriend, bowing his head with a muttered apology while Alex and I look at each other, a little worried. The last thing I, maybe we, needed was people thinking that me and Alex had something going on again especially with his sudden break up with Lisa and my departure from Chicago because who knew what people would think, whether we knew them or not.

“Is this going to be a constant thing or… I just want to be more prepared next time.”

“Until Poppy starts sleeping better.” Alex answers rather shortly, quickly depositing his bowl into the dishwasher and stalking from the room and towards the backyard.

Rian gets a swift hit over the top of his head from Cassadee as I shake my head. “Who knows what that’s about, just let me talk to him.”

I swivel on the bar stool, sliding off it as I head towards the coat closet to at least find a jacket before I traipse after the older boy because it snowed a little last night and it must literally feel like the artic out there right now. Still shrugging on the huge winter jacket that belongs to who know, I scamper across the yard to the bench where Alex is sitting, head in hands and I place the beanie that I had pulled on quickly over his head instead.

“Come on, Lex. What’s going on in your head?”

“I hate that’s what everyone is secretly thinking. That I went to Chicago to get you because I wanted to be with you instead of Lisa, that all of this is some elaborate plan for people not to hate me when they find out that we’re fucking.”

“But we’re not, Lex; that’s the point. I understand what you’re saying and this shit about me sleeping in your bed probably hasn’t helped but at the end of the day, we’re doing nothing wrong and would it really be anybody else’s business if we were?”

“It was nobody’s business last time and yet we let them tear us apart.”

Notes