Feeling This

"Since at least eleven."

Zack, Alex, Rian and Kara were currently crowded around the living room, each of them taking turns to peek out the window, just to make sure Jack was still there. It was night fall now, and the lanky boy was rolling around in the grass. Occasionally he would stop to throw his arms in the air or pop himself in the head. There was definitely something wrong with him tonight.

"Maybe someone should call Tosh?" Zack suggested, moving to the window. "She could probably talk some sense into him."

"I don't know.. After the talk I had with her last night, I'm not so sure I even want her back in my house."

"Well, it's a good thing her being here isn't necessary, then," Rian commented from the window. He was standing behind Zack, watching Jack stumble from the grass to the porch. "He's coming in."

Zack and Rian fled from the door. They quickly plopped back down on the couch, pretending they hadn't been spying on their friend. It was unusual to see him acting so strange. Typically, Jack didn't even like to be alone. He liked to talk, and he always needed someone there to listen. Even if it was just about the color of the sky.

Alex watched the door closely as the knob moved a few times. It seemed that Jack couldn't quiet figure out how to get it open, so when he flew through the door, everyone jumped a little. Jack stood there, with a goofy grin on his lips and an almost empty of bottle of vodka in his hand.

"What is up?!"

"Jack, why do you still have that?"

"What, this?" Jack held up his bottle, staring at it intently. He sloshed it around a few times, smiling brightly to his friends, and then sucked the rest of the liquid from the bottle. "Don't worry, Al, I got rid of it!"

"Yeah.." Alex nodded slowly, raising his eyebrows. "I see that."

"You know what guys?" Jack sighed happily. He tossed the empty bottle to the ground and climbed over the couch. His body roughly landed on top of Kara. She giggled a little, and pushed him off of her, so he was no sitting on top of Rian. "I think we needa talk. I know you guys don't like Tosh."

"Well, way to go, bro," Zack sarcastically laugh. "You figured us out!"

"Shh-ush," Jack attempted to place a finger on his lips, but failed miserably. "As I was sayin', I know you guys don't like Tosh, but she's a really cool chick. I bet- I bet you guys didn't know that we've been friends since the break-up, did ya?"

"What?" Rian shoved Jack off of his lap, so the lanky teenager was now on the floor, rubbing his side. "How the Hell could you still be friends with her after that?"

"I'm not surprised," Zack sighed, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. "I knew you guys didn't start dating again out of no where."

"But you're wrong," Jack pulled himself up. He swayed a little as he stood, still grinning drunkenly. "She's not my girlfriend. She's a girl, and she's a friend, but we don't bone."

"I'm confused. If you're not sleeping with her, and you're not dating her, why did she have her tongue down your throat?"

"Well, Alley-Lex, she's been helping me sort some shit out, and I think I'm finally ready to talk."

"Talk about what?"

Alex leaned forward in his seat a little bit. He'd been nothing but concerned about his best friend since the night they spoke under the stars, though he felt that after the things he said to Jack, he had no right to know what was happening in that head of his. Whatever it was, Alex knew in his heart that he had only been making things worse.

"Alex, man, I think-" Jack stopped. He put one hand over his mouth and the other on his stomach. "Oh shit, I think I'm gonna get sick."

Jack was gone before anyone could blink. He hadn't gotten far, the sounds of his loud feet running towards the bathroom were still close. It was when they heard his body bouncing off the walls that they grew worried. Zack, Rian and Kara all shifted their bodies around so that they could stare in the direction that Jack had run, but Alex felt obligated to chase his friend. He felt that whatever it was Jack wanted to discuss with him should be done in private, anyhow.

Alex stood up and flicked on the television. He tossed the remote to Kara. "I'm trusting you to keep the volume up. If I hear it go down once, I'm throwing you all out."

"Sir, yes sir!" Kara giggled, spinning back around and adjusting the volume level.

Alex slowly moved down the hallway. When he passed the bathroom and saw that Jack wasn't there, he knew there was only one place the boy could have gone, and that was the master bedroom- The one that belonged to Alex's parents. He groaned, praying silently to himself that Jack wasn't in there making a mess. Upon entering the room, though, Alex found Jack sprawled out across the bed. His face was hidden by a pillow, and he was silently cursing himself.

"Jack?"

"Go away, Alex."

"No, not until you talk to me. What were you going to say out there?"

"What does it matter?" Jack groaned. He tossed the pillow off of his body and slowly sat up. The room was spinning, and the only thing he could clearly see was the boy standing in front of him. "You said it yourself, we need some space between us."

"I only said that for your own benefit," Alex put his head down. He was ashamed of himself. "I thought that maybe if you didn't feel so close to me, you'd start to open up to someone else. I just never thought it would be Tosh."

"Tosh," Jack laughed to himself. "I really love that girl. She's the only person in this word that accepts me for who I am."

"I accept you..."

"You wouldn't, not if you knew the truth."

"Come on, Jack-O, we've been best friends for as long as I can remember. Do you really think there's anything you could say to me that would turn me against you?"

"I'm gonna tell you something, and I'm only telling you this because I'm drunk, okay?"

"Okay..."

"When Tosh broke up with me, it wasn't what everyone thought it was. She broke up with me because she found out the truth." Jack hesitated. Drunk or sober, saying the words to Alex personally made him feel sick. "Alex, I think I'm gay."

"Uh," Alex didn't know what to say. He watched closely as Jack's teeth began to tug on his bottom lip. Of course, this had to be hard on him, to say something that extreme for the first time in years. And, of course, Alex had suspected as much, but Jack Barakat being gay? No, that couldn't be. Not his Jack. Still, Alex knew the pain in Jack's eyes were coming from telling the truth. He slowly dragged his feet to the bed, and sat down beside his best friend. "Are you-Are you sure?"

"No, that's why I said I think I am."

"Are you, like, attracted to other dudes?"

"Just one. I've never really been attracted to anyone but him."

"Oh." Alex was lost for words. He was trying to think back on all the days he'd spent with Jack. The only guy he could think of was Zack, and that was simply because next to Alex, Zack was Jack's best friend. "Do I know him?"

"I'd say you know him pretty well, but that's just my opinion."

"Why haven't you ever told me this before, Jack? You're perfectly aware that you're like my other half. I don't know how you could keep something this big from me."

"Don't you get it, dude?" Jack stumbled off of the bed. He tiredly rubbed his hands over his eyes. "I don't want it to be something big. I just want it to be, like, hey that's my best friend! Not, hey, that's my gay best friend! It's hard. You see the way people treat me? What if they knew I really did like guys? My life would literally be a living Hell!"

"No, it wouldn't, bro. Everyone on the outside would sadly stay the same, but you would be no different to the rest of us. You know those friends in the living room? They'd still love you just the same."

"Then why are you acting so awkward?"

"Because it's a lot to take in, Jack. Not that you're like, gay, or whatever you are. Just that you lied to me about it for so long. I just thought we understood that we could say anything to each other, because we'd always have each other, unconditionally."

"If that's the case, then there's more."

Alex put his head down. It wasn't that he was suddenly uncomfortable around Jack, or that he didn't still see him as the best friend he'd ever had, it was just worry. Sure, Zack and Rian would be cool with Jack if he were gay.. But the thought of Jack openly admitting to having feelings for them made him nervous. Which ever one it was, he could only hope that they were in the same state of mind as himself. Jack was no different, he just loved differently.

"What else?" Alex lifted his head. His eyes met Jack's.

"The person.. I don't know how they'll take the news. I've been trying to fight these feelings off for years," Jack sighed. He wished that he had saved some of the vodka, because even though his body was still showing signs of intoxication, his mind was starting to sober up. Especially when he looked at Alex. The blood in his veins was replaced with fear. "I can't fight them off anymore, Al. I'm tired of lying about who I am and what I feel."

"I don't want you to feel like you have to be a different person because of anyone else. Jack, you're seriously the best person I've ever met. You put up with me! That's more than most people can say. Whoever it is, they should feel honored to have stolen your heart, bro. No matter who you decide to love, it's always going to be a challenge. After all, we're all human."

"So.. If I wanted to tell this person how I feel," Jack drunkenly got down on his knees in front of Alex. He never broke their eye contact, though he knew by now his eyes were coulded by doubt. "How should I do it?"

"I wish I knew. It all depends on the person, I guess. Honestly, I'd just be real about it. Everyone who really knows you, knows that you're crazy. Don't stop being yourself to get someone's attention."

"So what you're saying is, I should just be my crazy self?" Jack's lips formed a smile. It was barely noticable, but it was there. "But wouldn't it totally suck if they didn't like my crazy ass?"

"Jack, there's a million and one things that would totally suck," Alex returned the soft smile. "But nothing about this Summer will."

Jack stared at his best friend, realizing in that moment why he had fallen for Alex in the first place. He was such a beautiful, strong person. Even though Jack knew Alex was slightly uncomfortable, he didn't show it. Just to make Jack feel better, he kept his composure. Maybe it was the wrong time, but with the alcohol still fresh in his body, and the freedom he felt in his soul.. Jack went for it.

He slowly pulled himself up with Alex's knees. With their eyes still locked together, Jack sat there for a moment, testing Alex. When the boy didn't blink, or move, he felt more secure in knowing that Alex still loved him for who he was.

Jack leaned forward, slowly, then suddenly. He pressed his lips to Alex's with force. It wasn't intended to be a rough kiss, but Jack had been waiting for that moment to come for so many years, he couldn't contain himself. His fingers ran along Alex's stubble, not caring that Alex seemed to be frozen solid with shock. He stayed there for another moment or two, soaking in the taste of Alex's lips with everything he had. For that last moment, he swore he felt Alex kiss him back.

And just as it happened; slowly, then suddenly, Alex shoved Jack away from his body.

"What the fuck Jack?!"

Notes