Thanks To You
So far away.
"Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday..."
It was snowing and freaking cold outside. The house was warm and full of people, but I still felt alone. Being twenty years old meant a lot to me and made me remember of moments I just wanted to forget. It's been five years. By now, he must be a grown up, I wonder if he has found a girlfriend, or if he is even married, or has kids playing around his house. I wonder if he forgot about us.
"Alex... are you even awake?"
"Sorry aunt, I was just thinking." I smiled at her, I wouldn't let my sadness mess up the party my mother had been planning the whole year.
My entire family was there, they were drinking, kissing, being happy in their own ways. I tried to join my cousins, they looked so happy and euphoric, but I just felt so numb.
"Mom, I'm going upstairs, I'm feeling a little bit sick, just thank everybody for coming ok?"
"Ok darling, call me if you need anything." She said, hugging me, it was wierd how she was so short near me.
"Thanks for the party mom." I whispered, kissing the top of her head.
I ran to my bedroom and closed the door, kicking my shoes somewhere and laying on my bed. I don't know how much time I spent just looking through the window, staring at the stars, wondering what would he be doing so far away. It may have been minutes, it may have been hours, until I heard someone knocking at the door.
"Come in mom." The party must have finished already.
Coming through the door, I saw Lisa.
"Oh, it's you, close the door please." I immediately sat on the bed, wiping the tears from my face.
I don't know what Lisa felt for me, but I was doing my best to ignore her, it was wrong using her to forget Jack. Fuck. I had promised myself to never say his name again.
"Your mother told me you came here because you felt sick, is everything ok?" She said, worried look on her face.
"I'm obviously not ok, did you forget I feel sick?" I chuckled, laying on the bed again.
"Ouch. I'm sorry I worry about you." She moved closer and sat on the bed, by my side.
"No, you don't." I closed my eyes.
"Then why am I here?" She sighed.
"I don't know why the fuck you are here, because nobody cares, nobody gives a fuck about how I feel..." Tears started to fill my eyes.
"Your father cared." She interrupted me.
"No he didn't, he fucked up my life, I'm glad that motherfucker is dead." I was crying really hard now.
"Don't say that, he loved you, he knew that guy wasn't good for you, for chrissake Alex, don't act like a child, you're not fifteen anymore." She said, stroking my hair, fucking worried voice.
"Keep your hands off me." I got up off the bed. "You don't know shit, so just shut the fuck up. You don't know anything about my father, you don't know anything about me, you don't know anything about Jack and I really want you to leave now." I was shouting really loud now.
She looked at me, with sadness on her eyes, getting up off the bed and leaving the room. I was not fifteen anymore, I wish I was.
It was snowing and freaking cold outside. The house was warm and full of people, but I still felt alone. Being twenty years old meant a lot to me and made me remember of moments I just wanted to forget. It's been five years. By now, he must be a grown up, I wonder if he has found a girlfriend, or if he is even married, or has kids playing around his house. I wonder if he forgot about us.
"Alex... are you even awake?"
"Sorry aunt, I was just thinking." I smiled at her, I wouldn't let my sadness mess up the party my mother had been planning the whole year.
My entire family was there, they were drinking, kissing, being happy in their own ways. I tried to join my cousins, they looked so happy and euphoric, but I just felt so numb.
"Mom, I'm going upstairs, I'm feeling a little bit sick, just thank everybody for coming ok?"
"Ok darling, call me if you need anything." She said, hugging me, it was wierd how she was so short near me.
"Thanks for the party mom." I whispered, kissing the top of her head.
I ran to my bedroom and closed the door, kicking my shoes somewhere and laying on my bed. I don't know how much time I spent just looking through the window, staring at the stars, wondering what would he be doing so far away. It may have been minutes, it may have been hours, until I heard someone knocking at the door.
"Come in mom." The party must have finished already.
Coming through the door, I saw Lisa.
"Oh, it's you, close the door please." I immediately sat on the bed, wiping the tears from my face.
I don't know what Lisa felt for me, but I was doing my best to ignore her, it was wrong using her to forget Jack. Fuck. I had promised myself to never say his name again.
"Your mother told me you came here because you felt sick, is everything ok?" She said, worried look on her face.
"I'm obviously not ok, did you forget I feel sick?" I chuckled, laying on the bed again.
"Ouch. I'm sorry I worry about you." She moved closer and sat on the bed, by my side.
"No, you don't." I closed my eyes.
"Then why am I here?" She sighed.
"I don't know why the fuck you are here, because nobody cares, nobody gives a fuck about how I feel..." Tears started to fill my eyes.
"Your father cared." She interrupted me.
"No he didn't, he fucked up my life, I'm glad that motherfucker is dead." I was crying really hard now.
"Don't say that, he loved you, he knew that guy wasn't good for you, for chrissake Alex, don't act like a child, you're not fifteen anymore." She said, stroking my hair, fucking worried voice.
"Keep your hands off me." I got up off the bed. "You don't know shit, so just shut the fuck up. You don't know anything about my father, you don't know anything about me, you don't know anything about Jack and I really want you to leave now." I was shouting really loud now.
She looked at me, with sadness on her eyes, getting up off the bed and leaving the room. I was not fifteen anymore, I wish I was.
Update: I totally cried.
Again.
1/15/15