“Hanna!” Maddie calls to me from across the courtyard, where I walk holding all my school things after my last lecture of the day.
“Hey.” I smile back at her and wave slightly. “Whats up?”
“Nothing just was bored out of my mind for three hours. What about you?” She asks as soon as she catches up to me.
“I just was in a class where we discussed the difference between Love and Hate.” I shrug, “It was actually really interesting. Made me think a little bit more about the little shit and my relationship with its daddy.”
“Nope.” Maddie smacks my arm.
“Ow what the hell!?” I laugh and shove her lightly.
“Not a daddy.” She says firmly, “An accidental sperm donor, a vagina hog, a babys father. Just not daddy.” I raise an eyebrow at her.
“And why not?” I ask,
“Because then you get all emotionally attached to him and Hanna, You have to let that douche bag go at some point.” Maddie groans,
“He’s not a douche bag.” I sigh and look down at my feet as we walk.
“Listen to yourself for one minute.” Maddie grabs my arm and pulls me to a stop, “He got you drunk, fucked you while you were drunk, broke the goddamn condom, when you were drunk and got you pregnant. You now are going to be a single mother because he couldn’t control his dick. I would consider him a douche bag.” she lets go of my arm and continues walking to the car giving me a minute to think about it on my own.
“Hey Maddie!” I call and catch up with her, “Can I drive? I want to run a few errands.” I bite my bottom lip and look over at her.
“Uh, yeah I guess.” She raises an eyebrow at me, “Just hurry home. Sygird is making a fancy dinner for some reason.” Maddie shrugs and hands me her keys as we get into her car.
“Yeah thats fine. I just need to pick up a few things. Might get some Maternity clothes at target or something.” I think outloud and start the car driving off.
“If you’re at target can you pick me up some mountain dew and chips? I need some movie night type food. I might be getting laid this weekend.” Maddie laughs and winks at me.
“By whom may I ask?” I laugh glad that the ice has been broken. One of my fatal flaws has always been that I can’t handle it when people are mad at me. Its pathetic how desperate I get.
“A guy from school.” She laughs and wiggles her shoulders, “He asked me to hang out this weekend, and I said sure. So we talked and found we have a mutual love for slasher fics. Gross movie marathon.” Maddie sticks her tongue out jokingly.
“Ooooh cute.” I laugh and pull up to our house, “I’ll see you in a few hours.” I smile and watch as she walks up to the house. I pull away and slide a CD in the player, Don’t Panic! It’s longer now! I know it’s pathetic but its also comforting to hear their voices.
You know how in order not to be too sad you need to let yourself feel sad sometimes? Thats sort of how it is for me. I listen to Jamestown story when my heart feels heavy and when I need to stop myself from going back to middle school and high school where I’d cut myself almost every day just to feel a little bit alive and to give an escape for all the demons inside of me.
I pull into a parking spot in the Target parking lot, way too far away from the goddamn store.
“Ugh fucking rush hour.” I mumble to myself and get out of the car tightening my sweater around me, the cold October air biting at my cheeks as I walk up to the store. The grocery area is laid out infront of me, I resolve to just get the groceries first then go over to the clothes. We have plenty of milk at home, I don’t need to worry about perishable food items.
Grabbing a cart I head over to the soda and chips. Scanning the shelves I pull five or so bags of chips tossing them absentmindedly in the cart.
“Hello?” I hear someone speak behind me, brushing it off I assume it’s somebody on the phone. “Hanna?” The voice, which now sounds male pipes up behind me, I turn around to face them.
I only find myself standing face to face with Alex Gaskarth. His hair is ruffled and he wears a grey beanie and shirt with skinny jeans. His mouth hanging partially open and his eyebrows furrowed staring directley into my eyes. My heart breaks a little bit in my chest feeling guilty for leaving him so immediately. The expression of betrayal on his face clear to me. Only making me hurt more.
“Hey Lex.” I smile painfully at him.
“Wh-” He opens his mouth trying to speak, “What the hell are you doing here?”
“Grocery shopping..” my smile fades slightly,
“Clearly.” He groans and looks down slightly just beginning to regester my massive stomach.
“I’m sorry.” I say quickly trying to remember what I had thought about saying if I ever got in this situation. My whol brain going blank.
“What the hell is going on here?” Alex stares at my stomach, instinctively I cover it with my hands, my cheeks burining red.
“I don’t think this is a good place for this.” I mumble getting more and more humiliated.
“Why didn’t you ever answer my texts?” He snaps at me, trying to figure out his own emotions.
“I don’t know.” I frown and look down at my feet.
“Well thanks for your time.” He hisses at me and tears a bag of cool ranch doritos off the shelf next to me, turning away from me and starting to walk away.
“Alex!” I call after him and start to jog over grabbing his arm.
“What do you need from me Hanna?” He snaps at me, his face filled with hurt.
“Alex do you fucking see me right now?” I shout, getting the attention of a family walking past, “I’m forty weeks pregnant alex. How long ago did I leave you? How long ago did I leave the tour life?” Iower my voice slightly my heart pounding in my chest with addrenaline. “This is not how I imagined telling you this so you’re fucking coming home with me now because we aren’t doing this here.”

Notes

Hey you guys. I thought i'd post this today, just so I could make you a little bit distracted on this sad/ happy day.
One year since Mitch passed away.
But today celebrate him.
We love you Mitch <3