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Closer To Me

I will try to fix you

I cling to Alex as he exchanges niceties with Rian and Cass.

“I'll be seeing you on Monday, I hope,” Cass calls after me as we walk to the end of their driveway.

“I'll see how I feel, but I hope so,” I shrug, having no real intention of trying to go back to school at all.

My friends wave us of for several seconds before we disappear round the corner, passing the baby shop where a cute, knitted multi-coloured, unisex blanket caught my eye earlier. I stop, forcing Alex to as well.

“You're really taken with that blanket, huh?” He laughs, admiring it with me , our hands laced, giving me a sense of comfort.

“Well if I'm keeping this baby I want it to at least be dressed well,” I shrug, trying to appear indifferent, even though deep down I've become quite attached to my little sea monkey.

“I have some money left over from my birthday, so why don't we go in and I can buy you a few things,” Alex suggests, looking down at me adoringly.

He is so perfect, there's no denying it. As much as every inch of my body wants to push him away, I know I couldn't because he's the one person in my life who has hardly ever hurt me. It's not just me to think about any more. It's bump too, and there's no denying he is by far the best thing for the baby.

“You know what, I'd really love that,” I smile, having to fake my confidence a little as I tip-toe and kiss his lips.

I walk inside, biting my lip in disbelief of what I just did. I grab a shopping cart and eye the unisex clothes.

“I wish I just knew what we were having,” Alex whines, coming up behind me and pushing my boundaries by cuddling me from behind as I waddle along.

“Well I'm only 10 weeks, Lex...” I shrug, feeling bad for not being able to give him what he wants.

“Shit,” I mumble, eyeing up everything on the shelf.

“What's the matter?” Alex asks, following my line of vision to the prices of the items on the shelf in front of us “Fuck, babies are so expensive. $30 for a blanket?”

“It's fine, we can just get second-hand stuff, Lex,” I shrug, slightly disappointed that I can't get the single item I set my heart on.

“No, no way,” Alex steps in, straight away “this baby won't have to suffer because stuff is expensive. Our kid will be the best dressed baby ever and I'll make sure of it. I'll get a well-paid job.”

“Alex, being in a band with Zack, Rian and Jack won't make enough money to look after a baby. It's a nice little hobby to have, but you can't expect me to just sit back hope that it'll pay the bills,” I sigh, being a realist.

“You just wait for it. It'll happen, I promise you,” Alex replies quickly, not backing down “Until we make it big I can just borrow money from mom and dad.”

I huff loudly to voice my distaste and turn to leave.

“I think I'm just going to head home and talk things out with your mom,” I roll my eyes, using flippancy as a defense mechanism to hide my genuine fears about financing a baby.

“Fine,” he shrugs, turning away as I leave the store, holding my near-to-flat belly.

I inhale deeply, instantly regretting leaving Alex's side as soon as the harsh December air hits my face. I shiver and walk to the docks just across the road and sit down, dangling my legs over the side, watching the water ripple below me.

“You're going to freeze,” Alex's deep voice chuckles, his jacket falling onto my shoulders just seconds later.

“Well I didn't want to go home yet,” I shrug, looking up at him.

Alex takes a seat next to me and places his arm around my waist, placing a bag on my lap.

“Open it, it's for you,” he grins, cheekily “I know it's only a week until Christmas, but I couldn't wait.”

I giggle softly as I open the bag to reveal the rainbow blanket and a pack of plain white newborn sleep suits.

“You didn't have to,” I blush, putting them away, my sleeve catching on my leg and showing off a slight bit of forearm.

I put the bag by my side, swiftly covering my arm as I realize my fresh, uniform scars littering my forearm.

“I saw them,” Alex says simply, hinting to my arm.

“Don't, okay?” I sigh heavily, cringing “It was a fuck up, a one off.”

“I believe you, I know you don't lie to me, but why? What would make you do that to yourself?” Alex asks, frowning deeply and looking hurt.

“It's complicated,” I shrug, standing up.

Alex stands up too, taking my hand and forcing my arm to stretch out. He rolls up my sleeve and kisses each of my 20 or so small scars before rolling it down and starting to walk back towards home.

I grab the bag with the baby items in and sigh, knowing Alex won't accept that as an answer.

“You're a complicated person, that never put me off before. So are you going to try and explain why and when you did those?” Alex persists.

“A couple of weeks back,” I roll my eyes, giving in to his gentle charm. “Before I knew about the baby. Before I could even talk to you. It was guilt and anger, I guess. How could I have been so stupid to let him do that to me? Why didn't I fight him harder. I so badly wanted to save myself for you, and all I could think of when I was being... raped... was you. How you'd come and rescue me, Lex. But you didn't. That's why I'm pushing you away. That's why I'm being a bitch to you, because I'm hurt and angry and confused. You gave me back that friendship bracelet, don't think I forgot...”

“No, no. It wasn't like that. I fucked up big time, and I'm sorry. I was trying to be romantic, like they do in those lame films you like. I wasn't saying I didn't like you. I was giving you the bracelet because I wanted to be more than friends. I wanted you to wear a promise ring, I wanted you to buy it with me,” Alex whimpers, looking close to tears as he turns his head away from me “You can't help what happened, Anna. No one can. No one is to blame but that Randal kid. I'm here and I'm trying to fix what he left behind. I don't care if you hate me, I don't care if we never even so much as cuddle- but I can tell you still love me and I sure as hell still love you. When the time is right, I want to make you my girlfriend.”

I look at him in awe. All those nights I'd spent awake, crying, running a blade were needless. I'd built up imaginary pressure inside myself.

Alex pauses outside his front door and kisses my cheek.

“However my parents react in here, remember I love you, okay?” He whispers in my ear, lovingly.

I nod timidly, following him inside the silent house- the Christmas decorations finally lighting the house.

“Mom? Dad?” Alex calls, exploring the dimly lit downstairs of our house.

“Living room,” Isobel calls, sounding more relaxed.

We walk into the room and see the couple applying the finishing touches to the decorations- Isobel holding the star for the top of the tree in her hands.

“I-I have some things to show you,” I tell Alex's parents nervously, my hands trembling with nerves through fear of being shouted at.

I pull the sleep suits out and take one out of the packet, laying it against my belly and taking a few seconds to admire it before looking up at Isobel in particular to gauge her reaction.

“It's amazing to think that whatever it is growing inside you will be that big in a matter of months,” Isobel smiles, walking over and gently touching my belly.

“You seem to have come around,” Alex comments.

“Not come around, as such. I still want you two to attend school and college and I won't take the baby all the time. You got yourselves into this situation, you'll have to get out of it,” Isobel says firmly, taking the baby suits and putting them on the laundry pile “I'll just have to get used to the idea of being a young grandma.”

“Young?” I scoff, playfully.

“Nice to see you're feeling better. Back to winding everyone up,” Peter comments “I missed little Wendy.”

“Well I'm here,” I assure, patting my bump nervously.

“How far are you?” Isobel asks, examining my thin frame which is cloaked by Alex's hoodie.

“10 weeks,” I smile.

“So you don't know what you're having?” Peter asks, giving the same disappointed look Alex did when he was told we couldn't find out the gender yet.

“Not yet, but we will find out as soon as we can,” I assure, shifting uncomfortably.

“Have you discussed names?” Isobel asks.

Both Alex and I shake our heads.

“We might tonight though,” I bite my lip, looking hopefully at Alex.

“Well I have a couple of things before you go upstairs,” Isobel mumbles as she hands Alex the star to put on top of the tree and crouches down, pulling a box from the bookcase labeled 'Alexander William'. She hands it to me and winks.

“There's baby pictures in there, you you can estimate how beautiful your baby will be,” she laughs, making my heart sink slightly “And there's a big book of baby names in there too to help you along your way.”

I accept it gratefully and watch as Alex finishes off topping the tree.

“Merry one week until Christmas, Grandma and Grandpa,” Alex laughs and hugs his parents, holding my hand and pulling me upstairs to his room.

“Why are you so eager to get me into your room?” I frown, getting slightly anxious.

“To brainstorm baby names!” Alex pouts, like a toddler.

“Let me get changed first. Get the bed comfy for me too,” I whine, being needy.

I steal a pair of his boxers and go to my own room and undress in front of the mirror. I slip on his boxers and cover my breasts with one arm, holding the little bump on my tummy with the other. I take a quick picture on my phone and stand to the side. It's stupid that I already feel like I look pregnant when my bump is hardly visible.

I slip on tight fitting shirt and tie my hair into a sloppy bun, going back to Alex's room where I find him sat under his duvet in nothing but his underwear, flicking through baby pictures of himself.

I join him, snuggling up under the duvet, grabbing a picture of him

“Nice 80's hair cut, Lex,” I tease, kissing his cheek “Makes me glad this baby won't look like you.”

“The baby is missing out, I'm hot,” he jokes, nuzzling my neck tidying the pictures away.

“Before we even start, I want to say this child isn't having a stupid name,” I pout, crossing my arms, letting myself relax.

“Well when I have a kick-ass band that tours the world I'll be expected to have a kid with a cool name,” Alex argues.

“You won't be expected to have a kid at all,” I chuckle, cuddling around his middle.

“I'll settle in the middle then. A musical name,” Alex says seriously, looking at me.

“Maybe. Depends what you have in mind. I already have my heart set on about 20 names for girls,” I admit, giggling softly.

“Fine, I'll deal with boys names then,” Alex bargains “I'm thinking something cool like Dorian, Jude, Lennon...”

“They're gross...” I sigh, pulling a face “Here's to hoping it isn't a boy...”

“How about Adam, as in 'Adam's song' by Blink-182?” Alex suggests, a hopeful look in his eyes as he talks about his favorite band.”

“Adam is cute...” I shrug “Adam Alexander Gaskarth.”

“Then it's set. Now how about if it's a girl,” Alex asks, looking at me hopefully.

“I have lots of musical girl names, so you just pick a nice combination. Lyric, Harper, Delilah, Iris, Jazz and Melody,” I smile, letting Alex touch my belly.

“Well Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls is our song, but I like that more as a middle name...” Alex pauses for several seconds “Lyric Iris Gaskarth.”

I bite my lip to contain a huge smile “So it's Lyric or Adam?”

“I guess it is...” Alex laughs, kissing my cheek. “Now we only have to tell people about you being pregnant.”

“I told Cass to just spread the word for me. It's less hassle. But I want to keep the names on the down low,” I giggle, laying down, lifting my shirt to reveal my belly.

“Well, little sir or madam, daddy has to get to sleep because he's going over to uncle Rian's for band practice tomorrow,” Alex tells the bump, rubbing it gently.

I sigh heavily to show my disapproval.

“Can't you just stay in? It's Saturday, Lex. I have to go back to school on Monday... I just... I don't think this band thing is a good idea. It's not healthy to pin all your hopes on it...” I argue.

“We'll see,” Alex smirks, covering my belly and cuddling up to me as we settle to sleep.

Notes

I won't be posting as much because I have loads of school work, but I'll try to update once or twice a week.

-All Time Lily

Comments

OMG. You can not leave this here. Please update whenever you can! D:
NoescapingLife. NoescapingLife.
11/28/13
UPDATE PLEASEEEE
Please update soon! I would love to know what they're having though :3
Amelia Amelia
3/16/13
can't wait til the awesome next update
can't wait til the awesome next update