I woke up on the sofa, where I had passed out. A paramedic was taking my blood pressure, Rian and Zack were beside him, looking worried. The memories of the past hour slowly came back and I broke down sobbing. At least Jack was alive.

My blood pressure was low but except for that I was fine. The paramedic left and I asked Rian and Zack if one of them could drive me to the hospital to see Jack while the other looked after Mari. Zack said he’d drive me and I knew Rian was a good babysitter.

Before we left, they gave me a piece of paper with “Alex” scribbled on it. I unfolded it.

“Dear Alex,
I am so sorry. Please forgive me. I just can’t take this all anymore. I wish you a good life without me. I am sorry, this pain is just too much for me.
Loving you eternally,
Jack”

I didn’t think I would ever stop crying. Zack held me while I cried onto the leather couch. I didn’t notice the tear stains that were already there. After what seemed like an eternity of crying, I picked myself up and told them I wanted to go.

At the hospital I was luckily able to see Jack within a short time as I was his husband. I slowly opened the door to his room. He was hooked to some machines.

I went up to him. My feelings were like fragile glass figures, one push and they would shatter, and I with them. I carefully touched his hand and looked for his pulse on his wrist. I found it and was a bit relieved. I caressed his hand and looked at him.

His hair was dishevelled and he was incredibly pale while the circles under his eyes were of a bluish colour that contrasted well with the paleness. His eyes were sunken in and his cheekbones were standing out. His lips were chapped and dried blood was on them. He hadn’t shaved and his neck was bruised from the rope.

I wished nothing more than to be able to feel the beard stubble against my skin while he kissed me with his chapped lips. I longed for his touch. I wanted to look into his deep brown eyes, I would never forget the colour of them, and apologize. I loved this man more than most other humans, I felt ashamed for what I had said about him. He hadn’t meant all these things he had done, he hadn’t seen another way. I understood this now.

The pain about him attempting suicide was bad, I hugged myself to try and keep myself from falling apart. The only thing that would help now was my blade but I wanted to stay strong. For Jack. For Mari. I couldn’t fall apart on them.

I started crying when I realized that I might never be able to apologize if he didn’t wake up. I couldn’t imagine living my life without my Jack, my little sunflower. What if Mari had to grow up with only one dad? My body was racked by sobs and I couldn’t help but whimper. This hurt so much.

I stood up and gently pressed a kiss to Jack’s cheek. I sat down on the bed and laid my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. He smelled like always. I forced myself not to cry again. I counted his heartbeat until I was at 103, then I fell asleep.

I woke up because of a nurse shaking me. The monitor next to us was beeping loudly. “Mr Gaskarth, would you please leave the room? There have been some irregularities in your husband’s heartbeat and we would like to take a closer look. Your friend is waiting for you in front of the room. Please leave now.”

With this, I was gently pushed away from Jack, to the door, into Zack’s arms, where I broke down sobbing once again.

Notes

I'M SO SORRY PLEASE DON'T HATE ME

-Laura