Chasing the Future
Don't let me jump, don't let me fall (Jack POV)
Jack POV
I woke up with my head feeling like I had cotton balls inside. I groaned, stretching my hurting limbs. It felt like I had lead in my arms and legs. I turned around in the bed, expecting to see Alex. But there was nobody. Only cold, white linen, his blanket neatly folded at the end of the bed. It looked like he hadn’t even gone to bed last night.
Fear rushed through my body. Where was Alex? Had he left? Had I messed up for good? I heaved myself out of bed, ignoring the hammers banging inside my skull. I slipped on some pants over my boxers, apparently Alex had undressed me. I traipsed into our living room before entering Mari’s room, hoping desperately to see her. Her bed was empty. ‘Of course, why would Alex leave her with a drunkard like me?’ I bitterly thought to myself.
I picked up my phone, no new notifications. I went to the kitchen for a glass of water to quench my thirst. There was a note on the counter.
“Dear Jack, I am with a friend. I need some time by myself to think things through. I hope you are doing well after the state you were in. Yours, Alex.”
So that was where he had gone to. But which friend? On a first impulse, I wanted to call him and beg for him to come back. But I held back; I knew Alex and that he sometimes preferred not to be forced to talk.
Instead, I scrolled down to Rian’s contact and pressed the green call button. I had to think of all the times when Alex and I had prank-called someone and I had imitated the “Brrrrring” sound.
Trying not to cry every time it made another “Brrring”, I waited for Rian to take the call.
“Jack? What’s up, mate?” he finally answered the phone.
“Do you know where Alex is? He is not home, he left a note saying he’s with a friend, but who?” I blurted out. There was a silence at the other end of the line.
“I don’t know, and even if I knew, I probably shouldn’t tell you…” he replied.
“Oh… Thank you though,” I said, trying to sound casual while really starting to cry. I ended the call and looked at my phone. A tear fell down on the screen.
I decided to give it a try and call Alex. I got to the answering machine.
“Looks like I’m currently unavailable. Please leave a message, unless you are Jack. Jack, I don’t want to talk at the moment. Please give me some time.”
This was it. I burst into tears. My heart broke, it was so painful. I slowly walked to the couch and curled up in a ball, crying into the leather. Everything hurt so much.
I was useless. All I ever did was disappoint people. Alex would probably break up with me and I’d be all alone. Why was I even alive? No one needed me. Alex and Mari would be fine without me. I wasn’t needed, I was just a pathetic, fat, worthless piece of shit. I should be dead.
A flashback hit me.
I was 14. My father was drunk once again, but this time, he was able to speak coherently.
“Jack you are so useless. You deserve to die, you ugly, fat piece of shit. Nobody needs you. I hate you, I wish you would have never been born!” he shouted, spitting me in my face and pushing me to the ground. “Did you hear? I said you are worthless. You should kill yourself so everyone can be happier without you. WE DON’T NEED YOU!”
Back in reality, I slowly sat up, shaking badly. What if death really was the best choice? I sat still, thinking about it. It felt like the right thing to do. I didn’t care about a possible negative outcome, the pain was just too much.
The consequence is if I leave, I’m alone. But wouldn’t that be better? I couldn’t hurt anyone anymore if I was dead. Maybe death was my only retreat.
I walked into the storage room and opened a drawer. I took out a rope. The tears were all over my face as I went back to the kitchen, found a paper and wrote my note
.
“Dear Alex,
I am so sorry. Please forgive me. I just can’t take this all anymore. I wish you a good life without me. I am sorry, this pain is just too much for me.
Loving you eternally,
Jack”
Tears fell onto my shaky writing, making it watery. I pressed a kiss to it and folded it so I could write Alex on it. I put it in my pocket and went to the living room. We had a big wooden beam on the ceiling there. I climbed on a chair and tied the rope to the beam. I slipped my head through the noose. I was ready to die.
I took a deep breath. Just as I wanted to step off the chair and let it fall over, I heard keys turn in the door.
I woke up with my head feeling like I had cotton balls inside. I groaned, stretching my hurting limbs. It felt like I had lead in my arms and legs. I turned around in the bed, expecting to see Alex. But there was nobody. Only cold, white linen, his blanket neatly folded at the end of the bed. It looked like he hadn’t even gone to bed last night.
Fear rushed through my body. Where was Alex? Had he left? Had I messed up for good? I heaved myself out of bed, ignoring the hammers banging inside my skull. I slipped on some pants over my boxers, apparently Alex had undressed me. I traipsed into our living room before entering Mari’s room, hoping desperately to see her. Her bed was empty. ‘Of course, why would Alex leave her with a drunkard like me?’ I bitterly thought to myself.
I picked up my phone, no new notifications. I went to the kitchen for a glass of water to quench my thirst. There was a note on the counter.
“Dear Jack, I am with a friend. I need some time by myself to think things through. I hope you are doing well after the state you were in. Yours, Alex.”
So that was where he had gone to. But which friend? On a first impulse, I wanted to call him and beg for him to come back. But I held back; I knew Alex and that he sometimes preferred not to be forced to talk.
Instead, I scrolled down to Rian’s contact and pressed the green call button. I had to think of all the times when Alex and I had prank-called someone and I had imitated the “Brrrrring” sound.
Trying not to cry every time it made another “Brrring”, I waited for Rian to take the call.
“Jack? What’s up, mate?” he finally answered the phone.
“Do you know where Alex is? He is not home, he left a note saying he’s with a friend, but who?” I blurted out. There was a silence at the other end of the line.
“I don’t know, and even if I knew, I probably shouldn’t tell you…” he replied.
“Oh… Thank you though,” I said, trying to sound casual while really starting to cry. I ended the call and looked at my phone. A tear fell down on the screen.
I decided to give it a try and call Alex. I got to the answering machine.
“Looks like I’m currently unavailable. Please leave a message, unless you are Jack. Jack, I don’t want to talk at the moment. Please give me some time.”
This was it. I burst into tears. My heart broke, it was so painful. I slowly walked to the couch and curled up in a ball, crying into the leather. Everything hurt so much.
I was useless. All I ever did was disappoint people. Alex would probably break up with me and I’d be all alone. Why was I even alive? No one needed me. Alex and Mari would be fine without me. I wasn’t needed, I was just a pathetic, fat, worthless piece of shit. I should be dead.
A flashback hit me.
I was 14. My father was drunk once again, but this time, he was able to speak coherently.
“Jack you are so useless. You deserve to die, you ugly, fat piece of shit. Nobody needs you. I hate you, I wish you would have never been born!” he shouted, spitting me in my face and pushing me to the ground. “Did you hear? I said you are worthless. You should kill yourself so everyone can be happier without you. WE DON’T NEED YOU!”
Back in reality, I slowly sat up, shaking badly. What if death really was the best choice? I sat still, thinking about it. It felt like the right thing to do. I didn’t care about a possible negative outcome, the pain was just too much.
The consequence is if I leave, I’m alone. But wouldn’t that be better? I couldn’t hurt anyone anymore if I was dead. Maybe death was my only retreat.
I walked into the storage room and opened a drawer. I took out a rope. The tears were all over my face as I went back to the kitchen, found a paper and wrote my note
.
“Dear Alex,
I am so sorry. Please forgive me. I just can’t take this all anymore. I wish you a good life without me. I am sorry, this pain is just too much for me.
Loving you eternally,
Jack”
Tears fell onto my shaky writing, making it watery. I pressed a kiss to it and folded it so I could write Alex on it. I put it in my pocket and went to the living room. We had a big wooden beam on the ceiling there. I climbed on a chair and tied the rope to the beam. I slipped my head through the noose. I was ready to die.
I took a deep breath. Just as I wanted to step off the chair and let it fall over, I heard keys turn in the door.
Notes
I'm sorry...Title credit: Hell Above - Pierce the Veil
-Laura
@Cloud Storm
Thank you c:
2/1/14