Return the Favor
A Lesson Never Learned
Laura's POV
I still can't get over the wonderful feeling of waking up next to Zack, even if it's in a cramped bunk on a tour bus. It's the best thing in the world to me. To open my eyes and see nothing but his toned chest and arms wrapped around me.
But then I go to the bathroom, and I'm forced to look in the mirror. And that's when the ugliness and hate start. Yeah, Zack and I are together. And it's wonderful, and pretty much all that matters to me besides the band. You'd think with that, with all the positives in my life, that I would be happy. And for the most part I am. I just have to cut every so often to keep myself going. To block out the bad emotions so I can try and feel the great aura around me.
Per usual, on days like this, I get up and close the bathroom door. I stare down the ugly beast in the mirror for a minute before going to work on my hair and makeup. Some days, if I'm really lucky, I'll think I look nice and I won't have to do this. Those days are rare, to say the least.
Today's no exception. I'm so ugly. I lift up my shirt and see nothing but fat. I look at my face and can't get past the too many freckles and overly round shape. My hair is stringy and lifeless. No matter how many times Zack or any of the other guys call me beautiful, this is still what I am.
Ugly.
Fat.
Stupid.
Bitch.
I repeat this words to myself over and over as my hands roam through my things, hunting desperately for a blade. When I find it, I don't break the rhythm of the words, but instead set to work on my stomach in time as I insult myself. It's somehow calming.
Suddenly, without warning, the bathroom door flies open and Zack walks in. He drops the bag he's carrying almost immediately and freezes.
Oh shit. He was never supposed to see this. I mean he saw the scars when we, you know, but assumed they were all old.
Zack's POV
When I wake up, Laura isn't snuggled next to me like usual. Huh. Oh well, she's an early riser. She's probably just up and around, all ready for the day. I figure I'll head to the bathroom and clean up a bit before I go looking for her.
But it's my surprise when I get to the bathroom and hear a voice inside. I can't make out what they're saying, only that it's a female voice. Huh. The doorknob turns in my hand though, so I open the door.
What I see makes me sick.
It's Laura, chanting insults to herself as she cuts open her beautiful skin. I swear my jaw must hit the floor, and I can't seem to move.
"Zack? I'm so sorry, I can explain...."
But I just shook my head.
"Explain what Laura? Am I not good enough for you?" The words come out a lot harsher than I intend, and I see the tears start to well up in her eyes.
"Zack, you're perfect. That's the fucking problem. I'M THE ONE THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I NEVER HAVE BEEN. I'VE ALWAYS BEEN TOO STUPID, TOO FAT, TOO UGLY. How can you even love me?"
She whispers that last part. Oh my god.....
"Stop. Laura, baby. Let's get you cleaned up and then I have a lot of stuff that I need to say to you." \
I take a washcloth and start cleaning the blood off of her, taking the blade and flushing it down the toilet. After I have her all cleaned up, I pick her up and carry her to the back lounge where we lay down next to each other on the couch.
"Laura, you are beautiful. That's not why I love you. I love you because you're smart, funny, talented, and everything I could have ever hoped for. How amazingly gorgeous you are is just an added benefit to me. I know something's obviously not right here, so what is it? Am I not enough? Is someone giving you a hard time? Please, just tell me dear. I care about you too much to see you like this."
"Zack, please. It's not your fault. It's not any of you. It's all me. I'm a failure, I'm ugly. It's about that I'm not good enough."
"Please. You're like the smartest person I know. You had over 100% in most of your classes before you joined us and dropped out. Plus, you're beautiful. And I can't even believe it some days. When I wake up and see your face next to mine, it's like I'm still dreaming, because something that beautiful doesn't even seem real. But you are real, and that's incredible."
"I know it seems like that on the outside. But every 95% is 5% that I didn't work enough for. That I don't deserve because I'm not good enough. And please, who's the gorgeous one in this relationship? I can guaruntee you it's not me."
"Well you best stop saying that, because it's not true. You are the most beautiful thing I have and ever will see. And I don't know what I've done to deserve someone as amazing as you."
"I love you Zack."
"I love you too, Laura-boo"
And then we shared the sweetest, softest kiss ever. And it was perfect.
I still can't get over the wonderful feeling of waking up next to Zack, even if it's in a cramped bunk on a tour bus. It's the best thing in the world to me. To open my eyes and see nothing but his toned chest and arms wrapped around me.
But then I go to the bathroom, and I'm forced to look in the mirror. And that's when the ugliness and hate start. Yeah, Zack and I are together. And it's wonderful, and pretty much all that matters to me besides the band. You'd think with that, with all the positives in my life, that I would be happy. And for the most part I am. I just have to cut every so often to keep myself going. To block out the bad emotions so I can try and feel the great aura around me.
Per usual, on days like this, I get up and close the bathroom door. I stare down the ugly beast in the mirror for a minute before going to work on my hair and makeup. Some days, if I'm really lucky, I'll think I look nice and I won't have to do this. Those days are rare, to say the least.
Today's no exception. I'm so ugly. I lift up my shirt and see nothing but fat. I look at my face and can't get past the too many freckles and overly round shape. My hair is stringy and lifeless. No matter how many times Zack or any of the other guys call me beautiful, this is still what I am.
Ugly.
Fat.
Stupid.
Bitch.
I repeat this words to myself over and over as my hands roam through my things, hunting desperately for a blade. When I find it, I don't break the rhythm of the words, but instead set to work on my stomach in time as I insult myself. It's somehow calming.
Suddenly, without warning, the bathroom door flies open and Zack walks in. He drops the bag he's carrying almost immediately and freezes.
Oh shit. He was never supposed to see this. I mean he saw the scars when we, you know, but assumed they were all old.
Zack's POV
When I wake up, Laura isn't snuggled next to me like usual. Huh. Oh well, she's an early riser. She's probably just up and around, all ready for the day. I figure I'll head to the bathroom and clean up a bit before I go looking for her.
But it's my surprise when I get to the bathroom and hear a voice inside. I can't make out what they're saying, only that it's a female voice. Huh. The doorknob turns in my hand though, so I open the door.
What I see makes me sick.
It's Laura, chanting insults to herself as she cuts open her beautiful skin. I swear my jaw must hit the floor, and I can't seem to move.
"Zack? I'm so sorry, I can explain...."
But I just shook my head.
"Explain what Laura? Am I not good enough for you?" The words come out a lot harsher than I intend, and I see the tears start to well up in her eyes.
"Zack, you're perfect. That's the fucking problem. I'M THE ONE THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I NEVER HAVE BEEN. I'VE ALWAYS BEEN TOO STUPID, TOO FAT, TOO UGLY. How can you even love me?"
She whispers that last part. Oh my god.....
"Stop. Laura, baby. Let's get you cleaned up and then I have a lot of stuff that I need to say to you." \
I take a washcloth and start cleaning the blood off of her, taking the blade and flushing it down the toilet. After I have her all cleaned up, I pick her up and carry her to the back lounge where we lay down next to each other on the couch.
"Laura, you are beautiful. That's not why I love you. I love you because you're smart, funny, talented, and everything I could have ever hoped for. How amazingly gorgeous you are is just an added benefit to me. I know something's obviously not right here, so what is it? Am I not enough? Is someone giving you a hard time? Please, just tell me dear. I care about you too much to see you like this."
"Zack, please. It's not your fault. It's not any of you. It's all me. I'm a failure, I'm ugly. It's about that I'm not good enough."
"Please. You're like the smartest person I know. You had over 100% in most of your classes before you joined us and dropped out. Plus, you're beautiful. And I can't even believe it some days. When I wake up and see your face next to mine, it's like I'm still dreaming, because something that beautiful doesn't even seem real. But you are real, and that's incredible."
"I know it seems like that on the outside. But every 95% is 5% that I didn't work enough for. That I don't deserve because I'm not good enough. And please, who's the gorgeous one in this relationship? I can guaruntee you it's not me."
"Well you best stop saying that, because it's not true. You are the most beautiful thing I have and ever will see. And I don't know what I've done to deserve someone as amazing as you."
"I love you Zack."
"I love you too, Laura-boo"
And then we shared the sweetest, softest kiss ever. And it was perfect.
Notes
This was really hard to write.Thanks for reading! :)
<3 for commenting:
gamble with desire.
Girl you're the best. Like ever.
Aww thank you so much! <3
4/3/13