Damned If I Do Ya
A Sinking Feeling
I looked up to stare at all of them, feeling like all of this was so unfair. They're all yelling at me, about something that really so only be Jack and I's business. Where's all this trust bullshit coming from when they don't even trust me. Balling up my fist, I decided to bring that up.
“You know, for always fucking getting mad at me about having trust issues, you can't even trust me to make a decision that I'm pretty damn sure is going to be better for us in the long run. How many times do I have to fucking tell you,” I paused. “All of you, apparently, to just trust me lately? You think every time I do something that isn't deemed 'normal' for me means something bad, when it doesn't have to! So wanna know this 'real' reason I don't wanna go? It for all the damn things I've already told you! It's for two months God dammit, maybe, I doubt it will last that long!” I yelled, I was so annoyed, and angry I was shaking. “I'm not going so I can take some quiet time to finish up my last couple weeks at Hopeless, so I can take care of some stupid wedding shit without the crazy shit of tour going on, and because dammit, I'm nervous about it. Alright? I'm not fucking scared of you anymore Jack, if that's what you think, for fuck's sake.”
I took a deep breath.
“And fine, I'll admit it. There's one more reason why I wanna wait to go on tour, but if all of you fucking attack me like this after I tell you then I won't bother going on at all. I don't want to go on tour, cause I feel like we need a second away from each other. I don't know if you noticed, but we're fine for about two seconds then we're fighting. Then we're fine again, and then we're fighting. It's getting old and stressful, which isn't good for either of us. And before any of you tell me I'm wrong, think about it Jack, before you say a God damn word.” I was starting to calm down a little, since none of them had interrupted me yet, but I kept going. “If we continued this cycle, then this marriage is never going to work out. There, now you know. That I was trying to fucking save it. So yeah, thanks for ganging up on me, making me feel like shit while you're all hammered. See you at home, Jack. Or, everyone, since this is the 'tour life.'”
I waited for a second, for any of them to say anything. No one did, Rian was looking at the floor looking guilty, as was Zack. Matt looked like he wanted to say something, but thought against it. Alex still seemed mad, but I didn't really give a shit about that. He's always so quick to yell, at least he's quiet now. Jack's face said everything he was thinking, already. I could just tell that he was seeing that I was right, while he tried to stay mad.
I turned on my heel and walked out of the kitchen, into the party, heading for the door. I was absolutely livid, and pissed....but I was also upset that not only did all my best friends basically just ganged up on me, but that Jack couldn't even just let our private life, stay private. That he had to bitch and moan to our friends, making me seem like such a horrid fiance.
I called a cab, in case Jack stayed here or something and needed his car in the morning. As I waited, I heard the door open, and for a second, I was afraid it would be one of the guys or Jack.
“Ember?” It was Hayley, I turned around and looked at her. “I saw you leave the house, are you going home already?”
“Yeah,” I mumbled and she walked over.
“Why?” She asked, and I started to really feel upset.
“I walked in on Jack and everyone complaining about how I wasn't joining tour immediately. When I said something about it being a discussion only Jack and I needed to have, they all just, attacked me.” My voice cracked near the end, and Hayley was quick to give me a hug. I held her back and started crying. “Why am I always wrong? They all yell at me about trusting Jack all this, but they don't even bother to give me the same treatment.”
“You're not wrong honey, and they're all drunk and stupid right now.”
“I told them off, I bet it will only take five minutes for them to find something wrong with what I said.” I sniffed into her shoulder.
“You don't know that.” She assured, letting go. “Do you want me to come home with you? Or we can go to apartment.”
“I think I'd rather be alone right now.”
“Well, you're still welcomed to go back to my place, just in case or something.” She said, but I just shook my head.
“I just wanna go home and go to bed.” I saw headlights heading down the street and prayed it was my cab. “This next year is looking great already...”
“It will be fine, okay?” She encouraged as the cab pulled up. “Text me when you get home, okay?”
“Okay.” I nodded. “Thanks Hayley.”
“Anytime.” She smiled, giving me another hug.
I hopped in the cab, and gave my address, glad it was warm inside. Even with a jacket I was freezing my ass off. I told him my address, and just tried to relax on the ride. I wasn't going to sit at home and cry, not over this. I am not wrong. I refuse to believe I am just because none of my friends will let me make a decision without questioning it.
Once I was finally home, I paid the driver, walked up to apartment, being greeted by Bailey and went straight for the liquor cabinet. Was this a bad idea? Probably. Did I care? Not right now. Getting out some Captain Morgan, I went to our fridge for something to mix it with. We have Coke and Dr. Pepper. Captain and Coke it was.
I just brought over both bottles, with a big glass and turned on our t.v. to watch the New York square countdown show thing. It was only around eleven right now, but I could get drunk fast if I wanted to. Which worked out great right up to the countdown. Less than half of the Captain was gone and now I was drinking from the bottle. The stupid ten second clock was going off, and I took a sip for each one.
10. Fucking Jack.
9. Stupid friends.
8. Maybe. 7. I shouldn't,
6. Go at all.
5. Wait.
4. I feel sick.
3. Maybe not.
2. Nope.
1.There it is.
Right as everyone started screaming, I go off the couch and ran to the sink, successfully throwing up into it. It burned like hell, and I felt tears come to my eyes, but it just kept coming. I have no idea how long I was there, either throwing up, or just staring at the now, dirty sink, but after awhile I just slipped down to the floor, feeling the pass out part coming up.
The last thing on my mind wasn't how I was gonna hate myself in the morning. Instead I was thinking how this was how my year ending. No stupid kiss with the love of my life. Just passing out on a kitchen floor alone.
“You know, for always fucking getting mad at me about having trust issues, you can't even trust me to make a decision that I'm pretty damn sure is going to be better for us in the long run. How many times do I have to fucking tell you,” I paused. “All of you, apparently, to just trust me lately? You think every time I do something that isn't deemed 'normal' for me means something bad, when it doesn't have to! So wanna know this 'real' reason I don't wanna go? It for all the damn things I've already told you! It's for two months God dammit, maybe, I doubt it will last that long!” I yelled, I was so annoyed, and angry I was shaking. “I'm not going so I can take some quiet time to finish up my last couple weeks at Hopeless, so I can take care of some stupid wedding shit without the crazy shit of tour going on, and because dammit, I'm nervous about it. Alright? I'm not fucking scared of you anymore Jack, if that's what you think, for fuck's sake.”
I took a deep breath.
“And fine, I'll admit it. There's one more reason why I wanna wait to go on tour, but if all of you fucking attack me like this after I tell you then I won't bother going on at all. I don't want to go on tour, cause I feel like we need a second away from each other. I don't know if you noticed, but we're fine for about two seconds then we're fighting. Then we're fine again, and then we're fighting. It's getting old and stressful, which isn't good for either of us. And before any of you tell me I'm wrong, think about it Jack, before you say a God damn word.” I was starting to calm down a little, since none of them had interrupted me yet, but I kept going. “If we continued this cycle, then this marriage is never going to work out. There, now you know. That I was trying to fucking save it. So yeah, thanks for ganging up on me, making me feel like shit while you're all hammered. See you at home, Jack. Or, everyone, since this is the 'tour life.'”
I waited for a second, for any of them to say anything. No one did, Rian was looking at the floor looking guilty, as was Zack. Matt looked like he wanted to say something, but thought against it. Alex still seemed mad, but I didn't really give a shit about that. He's always so quick to yell, at least he's quiet now. Jack's face said everything he was thinking, already. I could just tell that he was seeing that I was right, while he tried to stay mad.
I turned on my heel and walked out of the kitchen, into the party, heading for the door. I was absolutely livid, and pissed....but I was also upset that not only did all my best friends basically just ganged up on me, but that Jack couldn't even just let our private life, stay private. That he had to bitch and moan to our friends, making me seem like such a horrid fiance.
I called a cab, in case Jack stayed here or something and needed his car in the morning. As I waited, I heard the door open, and for a second, I was afraid it would be one of the guys or Jack.
“Ember?” It was Hayley, I turned around and looked at her. “I saw you leave the house, are you going home already?”
“Yeah,” I mumbled and she walked over.
“Why?” She asked, and I started to really feel upset.
“I walked in on Jack and everyone complaining about how I wasn't joining tour immediately. When I said something about it being a discussion only Jack and I needed to have, they all just, attacked me.” My voice cracked near the end, and Hayley was quick to give me a hug. I held her back and started crying. “Why am I always wrong? They all yell at me about trusting Jack all this, but they don't even bother to give me the same treatment.”
“You're not wrong honey, and they're all drunk and stupid right now.”
“I told them off, I bet it will only take five minutes for them to find something wrong with what I said.” I sniffed into her shoulder.
“You don't know that.” She assured, letting go. “Do you want me to come home with you? Or we can go to apartment.”
“I think I'd rather be alone right now.”
“Well, you're still welcomed to go back to my place, just in case or something.” She said, but I just shook my head.
“I just wanna go home and go to bed.” I saw headlights heading down the street and prayed it was my cab. “This next year is looking great already...”
“It will be fine, okay?” She encouraged as the cab pulled up. “Text me when you get home, okay?”
“Okay.” I nodded. “Thanks Hayley.”
“Anytime.” She smiled, giving me another hug.
I hopped in the cab, and gave my address, glad it was warm inside. Even with a jacket I was freezing my ass off. I told him my address, and just tried to relax on the ride. I wasn't going to sit at home and cry, not over this. I am not wrong. I refuse to believe I am just because none of my friends will let me make a decision without questioning it.
Once I was finally home, I paid the driver, walked up to apartment, being greeted by Bailey and went straight for the liquor cabinet. Was this a bad idea? Probably. Did I care? Not right now. Getting out some Captain Morgan, I went to our fridge for something to mix it with. We have Coke and Dr. Pepper. Captain and Coke it was.
I just brought over both bottles, with a big glass and turned on our t.v. to watch the New York square countdown show thing. It was only around eleven right now, but I could get drunk fast if I wanted to. Which worked out great right up to the countdown. Less than half of the Captain was gone and now I was drinking from the bottle. The stupid ten second clock was going off, and I took a sip for each one.
10. Fucking Jack.
9. Stupid friends.
8. Maybe. 7. I shouldn't,
6. Go at all.
5. Wait.
4. I feel sick.
3. Maybe not.
2. Nope.
1.There it is.
Right as everyone started screaming, I go off the couch and ran to the sink, successfully throwing up into it. It burned like hell, and I felt tears come to my eyes, but it just kept coming. I have no idea how long I was there, either throwing up, or just staring at the now, dirty sink, but after awhile I just slipped down to the floor, feeling the pass out part coming up.
The last thing on my mind wasn't how I was gonna hate myself in the morning. Instead I was thinking how this was how my year ending. No stupid kiss with the love of my life. Just passing out on a kitchen floor alone.
i love this story so fucking much
6/21/14