Jack

My heart clenched as mine and Alex's lips connected. He was warm, and he melted into my touch, his hand that was balled against my chest, clutching at my shirt, relaxing. He sighed softly, the traumatized air trapped in his lungs finally being released. As he took in a small intake of oxygen, his chest pressing against mine as it expanded, I pulled away, guilt filling my veins.

I stared into his brown doe eyes, searching for the piece of him that gave me answers to the questions that were filling my mind;why did you allow me to kiss you? Do you love me? Why do you love me? Why did you forgive me?

I found no such source, only his feelings of trust and safety, laid out for the whole world to see. I looked away, trailing my eyes around his face, soaking up his intoxicating essence. I don't know why he believed I would make everything better. I had turned his whole world around, first for the better and second for the worse. I couldn't bear to build his hopes up and inadvertently break him down again.

'Alex,' I murmured at him, my eyes flicking back up to his, my mouth barely moving as his name rolled off my tongue, familiar and beautiful. 'I-I shouldn't have done that.' My whispered voice faded away to an ear shattering silence, and I rolled over, facing away from the eyes that made me love and feel guilt at the flip of a switch; whichever emotion he so desired to torture me with.

I couldn't help him with Tom, despite being his safety net. He wouldn't open up about him. I had only brushed the surface of Tom's significance to who Alex was today. I knew Alex pained himself over his brother's suicide; I didn't know why Tom had turned to drugs and alcohol though. Only two people had the answers and might be willing to tell me.

I felt Alex press his back up against mine, finding comfort in the solidity, and slowly drift back into a deep sleep. His breaths became regular, slowing down as he reached the ever-elusive dreamland. His back started to twitch, and he rolled over again, onto his front this time. I smiled as I listened to him sleep, the same four questions still swirling around in my mind, this time with another added to the heavy load; will his parents tell me the truth about Tom?

- - -

I watched the digital clocks numbers roll over to six thirty, the silent ticking annoying me. Alex had stopped moving almost an hour ago, his restless sleep coming to a halt. He was now on the very edge of the bed, and despite my attempts to move him closer to the middle of the bed so he didn't fall, he had only inched back. His light snores counted the time for me, with about eight per minute.

I had yet to be enlightened with the answers to my questions. I wasn't going to find them anytime soon either; of the three people I had to turn to to receive the answers, two were ten minutes away, and one was asleep.

Deciding a shower would be my best option in the meantime, I rolled out of bed and walked sluggishly to the bathroom. A drawn face with sunken eyes, ringed with black met me in the mirror. Tousled hair, falling flat, rested atop the garish sight. I turned away and stripped, turning the water on and stepping into the ice-cold shower. I flinched, the sudden drop in temperature waking me up. Shivering, I moved out of the jet sprays. Steeling myself, I closed my eyes and plunged my face into the torrent of water. It was warmer, but not by much. My eyes were wide awake, as was my sleep deprived brain.

I got out of the shower ten minutes later, grabbing a towel and hastily drying myself. The questions had continued to swarm around my mind. Walking into the bedroom, I saw an empty bed, with sheets thrown every which way. Shaking my head, I pulled on clothes suitable for the frosty weather.

I didn't find Alex in the kitchen or the lounge room as I walked out to get breakfast. Scanning the stark apartment, everything faded to shades of grey. There was no life in this house. I abandoned the house, leaving my hot cup of coffee to cool, as feelings of emptiness and loneliness came over me.

Alex's parents opened the door after a few persistent knocks, Mrs Gaskarth rubbing at an eye and her husband looking disapprovingly at me from over her shoulder.

'Jack, why don't you come in?' Mrs Gaskarth said, stifling a yawn and moving to the side.

'Christ, why are you here so early? It's not even seven thirty yet.' Mr Gaskarth complained, only in his dressing gown.

'I'm sorry, but it was urgent.' I apologised, following Mrs Gaskarth into the kitchen. She put the kettle on to boil, and got out a few cups.

'Would you like a tea, Jack? Coffee, if you prefer?'

'Coffee would be great, thank you.' I replied, sitting down at the table. Mr Gaskarth helped his wife, putting a tea bag into one of the cups and coffee into two others. I gave him my preferences, and a few minutes later a steaming cup of black coffee with one sugar was in front of me. I thanked them both, and they sat down, Alex's mother pulling her hair back into a loose bun.

'Jack, what was it you wanted to talk about?' Alex's dad asked, turning to me and taking a sip of his own coffee; milk with no sugar - just like Alex.

'Is Alex okay?' His mother worried, jumping in before I could say a word.

'He's fine, in the physical sense.' I said slowly. 'Mentally, he could be better.'

'Why?' His mother urged me. My mouth had gone dry and I raised my coffee to my lips, taking a generous sip. Mrs Gaskarth's eyes burned into mine, the brown similar to Alex's.

Just pretend they're him. They look similar enough.I coached myself, steeling myself for the slap across the face I was sure to get from Alex's mother. From what I had gathered, she didn't like to remember her first-born son.

'He's having nightmares.' I started, my voice small, 'about Tom.' I continued, trying to display confidence by fixing Mrs Gaskarth in the eye and not blinking. My hands clutched my coffee cop, and I felt my bottom lip begin to tremble in negative anticipation of what would happen. Would they scream at me? Would Mrs Gaskarth slap me across the face?

Their reaction, to my surprise, was neither. Both parents turned and looked at each other, Mrs Gaskarth nodding slowly. My jaw dropped, and Mr Gaskarth put an arm around his wife.

'Tell him; he deserves to know.' He coaxed.

'As long as he doesn't tell Alex.' Mrs Gaskarth replied, indignant, looking up at him.

‘Not tell Alex what?’

Mrs Gaskarth sighed and took her husband’s hand. ‘Tom…’ She said slowly, as though the words pained her. ‘He didn’t just die of an alcohol overdose like we’ve told Alex.’ She paused again, giving me a moment to let this sink in, and I didn’t say anything – the truth was better than seeing Alex suffer and not knowing why. Although he had narrowed his brother’s death down to a suicide instead of simply an overdose. ‘Katie, his last girlfriend, she wasn’t just any girl. She was a druggie. She popped pills faster than you could say “oi”.’

I interrupted Alex’s mother for a minute, a link not quite matching up in my mind. ‘Why did you allow Tom to see her then?’

Mrs Gaskarth wasn’t fazed by this question, instead waving a hand nonchalantly. ‘We didn’t know. She didn’t take them here, and obviously Tom never told us. She was a nice girl otherwise. Very deceiving too.’

‘So how do you know that now?’

‘She overdosed once. Claimed it was older students from their school getting her high. Getting back to before you interrupted me, she became his supplier. Alcohol, pills, cocaine, cigarettes, you name it she had it within a few weeks. The police searched her house and found traces – and drugs – stashed everywhere in her room. Tom became addicted – heavily. I don’t know whether he knew what he was doing was wrong. He probably did, but didn’t want to stop. They went out to parties – he became quite popular.’

‘What does this have to do with how Alex feels now?’ I asked as Mrs Gaskarth ran out of steam.

‘He had a hand in his death, boy. Don’t interrupt again.’ Mr Gaskarth jumped in. He had stayed oddly quiet this whole time.

‘Alex was there the night Tom died. We had just moved to the states. Tom was moody - Katie had dumped him. Drinking all the time, around Alex, too. He made no secret of his addictions. We had gone out.' Mrs Gaskarth said quietly. Her voice dropped even lower, and I strained my ears to hear her. 'We came home to Alex holding his brother's body, screaming his name. Tom has passed out before, but Alex didn't know he was dead. He thought he was just going to wake up.'

'And Alex's part in it?' I asked, curious yet scared. Mr Gaskarth shot me a glare, and I mumbled "sorry" under my breath.

'Alex had been helping him acquire the drugs and alcohol. Tom had found someone who went to Alex's school, and gave Alex money and strict rules not to open the bags he was given. Alex, wanting to help his brother, did so gladly. He didn't know it was drugs, just alcohol. I thank Tom everyday for not letting on that his mood swings were not the fault of his own hormone levels, rather their reaction to the drugs.'

I was horrified. How could Alex forget such events?

'Alex didn't know it was his fault. Tom was smart, and didn't get all his supplies from Alex's school. He wrote off the bottles, he only gave them to his brother every few weeks.' The Gaskarths were crying silent tears by now.

'Why didn't you tell Alex?'

'Didn't you just listen to what we told you?' Mr Gaskarth asked. 'Alex could be imprisoned - twelve years hasn't passed yet. He helped in the suicide of his brother and that's not something judges will take lightly.'

'He would turn himself in, too. Don't you see the regret and guilt in his eyes?' Mrs Gaskarth added. 'Now, keep your promise. Don't tell Alex.'

I nodded, mute, and walked over to the kitchen, putting my cup in the sink. With my heart pounding in my ears, I walked out and back down the street, my steps faltering. What had he done?

Notes

c0l0urfultears
Title credit: Savages - Breathe Carolina
Sorry I haven't updated! I had exams last week, and this week has been all over the place with transition and preparing for the end of school.
Bit of a crazy chapter, but I assure you you will love what we've got in store for you!