May

'D-dying?' Jack stuttered, standing in front of the door, frozen in place. His keys which had just been taken out of the lock were dangling from his hand uselessly. His eyes darted between me and Alex, lingering on the arm Alex had casually draped over me and was rubbing my lower back and side with as I had rested on his chest. I nodded, wiping away the remnants of ghost tears, standing and cautiously approaching Jack. I had had the good sense to cover my mostly naked body, as had Alex, before we came here to await Jack's return with bated breath. He hadn't answered either of mine or Alex's calls, and by the reaction we were just given he hadn't answered Joe's either. I wrapped my arms around him, and he returned it, nuzzling his head into my shoulder. I heard him sniff.

'Oh god,' he said, clutching me, his hands clawing at my back as though to make sure I was real. In his clawing, I was only pulled closer to him, and I buried my own face in his shoulder. With him being taller than me, he was was slouching, and I was on my tiptoes. 'How?'
'I don't know. Joe didn't say.' I pulled back and led him over to the couch. Alex, sensing the trouble that may have been caused, switched over to the arm chair as I let Jack sob into my shoulder.

'Jack, honey.' I managed to calm him down enough for him to look me in the eyes. 'Hey, Joe wants me to go back over to America. The doctors are saying dad only has a month or so to live. He's already bought me the plane ticket. I fly out tomorrow.'

'And what about me?'

I bit the inside of my cheek and sighed, not wanting to tell him. Alex piped up though, from his spot on the couch.

'Your dad doesn't want you to go see him.' Jack's eyes flashed with anger and he pushed himself away from me.

'What?' He said, his voice low and calm. 'His fucking homophobia will even go so far as to not see his son when he's on his deathbed?'

'Jack-' he cut me off by standing abruptly and walking into his and Alex's room down the hall. I heard the door close silently, something that must have taken quite a bit of control, as I next heard him take his anger and pain out on the wall with a pillow. I stared at my feet as I heard my brother cry out and the dull thud as he collapsed onto the floor.

'It's not your fault, babe.' Alex said, coming back over onto the couch and rubbing my back.

'I know, but I wish I could take away his pain. He's my baby brother, Lex.' I gave Alex a chaste kiss on the cheek. 'I just need to be alone now. I'll be packing.' I left Alex on the couch as I walked into my room. I pulled the sheets off, grabbing clean linen from the cupboard at the end of the hallway and going past Alex as I dragged the dirty ones to the laundry.

Back in my room, after fitting my bed with clean sheets, I pulled my suitcase out from under my bed and began packing for a month back in America. I stared at the suitcase, deciding it was too much work and sank back on the bed, finally letting my weariness overcome me.

- - -

The ride out to the airport was slow, and quiet to say the least. I had caught a bus to the airport, not wanting to disturb Alex or Jack's sleep. Last night, Jack had come out of his room for dinner, only to take it back in and eat it there. Alex and I had eaten at the table, scarcely a word passing between us. Alex had then slept on the couch, not wanting to stir up any more trouble than he had inevitably caused. A conversation had passed between us before we had parted ways and succumbed to the darkness.

I went over and sat on the couch, waiting for my body to tell me it was ready to sleep again. I had packed after my short nap, and everything was by the door, waiting for me to pick it up in the morning and leave. Alex came over and sat beside me, exhaling loudly and putting an arm around my waist, leaning on my shoulder.

'Lex.' I said suddenly, interrupting the quiet.

'Yeah?'

'We need to stop this.'

'Stop what?' Alex asked, turning to face me, removing his arm from around my waist and instead placing it on my thigh.

'This, Alex. Us. Whatever we've had. Whatever's going on now. Whatever may happen in the future. It needs to stop.' I blurted out. At the end, Alex removed his hand and shoved it in his pocket. 'It's the perfect timing too. I'm going away, and you and Jack are stuck here. Repair your relationship. Remember what I said earlier? About wanting to take away his pain?' Alex nodded. 'Well, I am a source of that pain. So are you. I love you, Alex, I really do. But there comes a time when you have to sacrifice love. This is one of those times. I'm going to go to America, and I want you to forget me, Alex. Focus on Jack. Make sure he makes it through okay.'

I leaned in closer to Alex, whispering in his ear. 'I don't have any immediate plans to come back here. Not if you are. I can't trust myself. Don't tell Jack though. We're all he has left. But I'm destroying his sanity, kiss by kiss.' I leaned back, with a sad smile on my face. Alex looked at me, stunned. I put a hand on his face and traced his cheekbone.

'I love you both. I really do. Don't doubt that for a second.'

Notes

Title credit: Feeling Sorry - Paramore
c0l0urfultears