Too Much

-2004-

Smoothing my dress I bounced down the stairs opening the door to see Alex looking rather nervous. He had attempted to flatten his hair and put on a nice shirt and tie.

“Do I look okay?” he mumbled as I allowed him in, placing a kiss on his cheek.

“You look lovely.”

He seemed to relax a bit as he followed me into the house and into the dining room where my family was just settling down around the table.

“Hello Alexander…” My father said gruffly when he noticed us standing in the doorway.

“Hello Mr. Sawyer….Mrs. Sawyer…” Alex said smiling and taking a seat next to me.

I placed my hand under the table, squeezing his thigh to assure him this meal would go well for once. I took the liberty of keeping the conversation off of Alex for as long as I possibly could but as my mother brought out desert, my father addressed Alex.

“So…Alexander…have you begun looking at any schools?”

“Um actually I’ve got some great news regarding the future.”

Fear washed over me, this wasn’t what we had discussed. Where was this coming from? My father placed his silverware down, sitting back in his chair. Alex grabbed my hand under the table as my mom froze watching intently.

“I actually got word yesterday that my band got signed to a record label. We’re recording an album in the next few months.”

As happy as I was for Alex and the guys, I sat quietly gauging my father’s reaction. He smiled, turning back to his plate, “Still on about that band, I see...need to get a real man’s education and job one of these days…”

Alex’s body tensed with anger.

“My wife and I appreciate you coming over tonight, Alexander, and having dinner with our family but I hope you understand this when I say I want what’s best for Hadley...and I don’t think you and your immature dream chasing are good for her.”

“Dad…no…please…” I said tears welling up in my eyes.

“It’s fine Hads…” Alex said standing up. “Thank you for your time Mr. and Mrs. Sawyer.”

Alex left the house in a rush and as the front door closed behind him I glanced up at my father and spat, “I hate you.”

I got up from the table and ran out of the house just as Alex was standing by his open car door yuanking his tie loose.

“Why did you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Bring up the band like that? That’s not what we planned.”

“I figured, ya know, maybe since we got signed he’d realize how much fucking potential we have.”

“Alex, I told you…he’s never going to get it.”

“So am I just supposed to spend my entire life lying to my girlfriend’s family? What if we get married on day, Hads? Just face it, your dad fucking hates me.”

“No! He just doesn’t know you!”

“And he has no fucking interest in doing so! I can’t fucking do this anymore Hadley!”

Tears racked my body as I stood there crying before him. With a gentle sigh he pulled me into his chest wrapping his arms around me. He let me cry into his shirt for a while.

“Run away with me…”

Sniffling I looked up at him. “Wh…what?”

“I know I probably sound insane but just…run away with me. We’re gonna be 18 in a few years Hads and we can do and go anywhere we want. I love you…come with me.”

“Alex…I can’t…”

“Don’t even give me that bull shit Hads…” He said sadly.

“I’m sorry…” I said tears welling up again, turning away from him.

“I’ve given up so much for you Hadley! So fucking much….” He was angry now, running his hands through his hair. “I figured you of all people understood how badly I want this band and would stand by me no matter what!”

I turned slowly to face him, “I’m so sorry, Alex.”

“Ya know what, fuck you. This whole relationship was a waste of my fucking time.”

With that he climbed into his car and reversed out of my life leaving me standing in the driveway shaking with tears and the cold springtime night air.

-2013-

I lifted my arms, allowing the security guard to pat me down. Melanie smiled at me excitedly from the inside of the venue.

“You’re all set…” The woman said allowing me to enter.

“Coming late was such a good idea!” Melanie yelled into my ear over the sounds of the opening band.

“I know, we missed all the kids!” I laughed.

We made our way inside and anxiety filled my body. I was going to be seeing Alex again, for the first time since that stupid college party.

Melanie and I grabbed a drink and found some seats. The crowd below was going absolutely insane for the band that was playing. I continued to glance around trying to keep myself as calm as possible. Even though Alex had no idea I’d be here tonight just the thought of seeing him perform again was driving me wild.

The last time had been at some club when we were 15 and no one really gave a shit about them but now, now they had thousands of people crowded together like sardines.

Another band came and went before they began to get the stage ready. Every time the lights went off I panicked hoping it wasn’t them, yet praying it was at the same time.

I wondered what was doing backstage. Did he still warm up his vocals the same way? Did he still keep that lucky rock in his pocket I had given him before his first ever show?

The lights went off again and the crowd began to cry. A brilliant guitar riff filled the air causing the screaming to grow stronger. Figures moved to position on the stage. The lights bathed the stage and Alex’s voice consumed my entire being.

My breath was shortened, heart beating quick. The last 8 years had done the band well. It brought sudden tears to my eyes to see how successful they were, how talented, and yet they hadn’t changed much. I giggled with pride watching Jack bounce all around the stage, occasionally grabbing a gummy bear out of the bowl on top of his amp and tossing it into his mouth.

Sadness filled my heart and I found myself slightly embarrassed at how emotionally I was getting. I could have been a part of this and I backed out. I could be standing side stage where I could just make the petite form of Lisa Ruocco standing there. I was wondering what had happened between her and Alex…now I knew.

My favorite shade of purple bathed the stage as Alex smiled to the crowd, “This next song…” he laughed, “This next song was written about someone who meant a lot to me…and…she really loved Philadelphia…and she always wanted to run away to here…” The crowd screamed some more. My heart was in my throat. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. He was talking about me.

“Her dad was a fucking asshole too!” Jack yelled causing Alex to giggle and shake his hair out of his eyes.

“Yeah she did, fuck that guy…” Alex sighed. “Anyway, I wrote this next song wondering if she ever did get the chance to run away…It’s called Somewhere in Neverland…”

I let every single word of that song fill me up to the brim. Flashbacks filled my mind as I stood there and cried listening to Alex sing.

-2004-

“FOREVER YOUNG!!! I WANNA BE FOREVER YOUNG!!!!” Alex and I were singing at the top of our lungs, stealing glances at each other and laughing. I tossed a fry in my mouth as I watched Alex throw his head back against the seat, eyes shut tight as he belted out the finishing notes with Rod Stewart.

Laughing slowly, I watched as his body relaxed and the song ended. He reached up and turned the volume of the radio down on his parent’s car. “I don’t ever want to grow up.”

“What are you talking about?” He asked turning to face me as he took a bite of his Big Mac, lettuce spilling down his Nirvana t-shirt.

I sighed, running my fingers through my hair. “I don’t want to grow up. I don’t want to do what my parents want me to do. I want to spend forever taking 2 AM trips to McDonalds with you. I want to move to Philadelphia and just stay up all night roaming the streets.”

“Why Philly?” His eyes twinkled as they watched me.

“It’s neverland…” I shrugged leaning back against the foggy window. “It’s amazing there…”

“You watch Peter Pan way too often…” He smirked popping the last bite of his burger into his mouth.

Feeling slightly embarrassed, I turned back to my food slowly munching away. Silence filled the tiny space in the car for a while. I could feel Alex’s gaze on me. When I finally looked up at him, he had a faint smile on his face.

“Run away with me….” He mumbled barely above a whisper.

-2013-

“OH, SOMEWHERE IN NEVERLANDDDDDD”

I reached up and whipped the few tears from my cheeks. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I was not supposed to feel this way while I was here. He was not supposed to be performing songs about me almost ten years after our relationship ended. I was not supposed to be questioning whether or not I had made the right decision ten years ago.

“The show is great!” Melanie yelled into my ear pulling me from my thoughts.

“Yeah…” I said shaking myself.

“Are you okay?” Concern washed over her features.

“Yeah! I’ll be fine!” I said putting on a smile. “Promotion, right?”

She smiled and laughed turning back to the stage.

I was blown away by the show. I couldn’t even believe that was the same four dudes I had spent so much time with in high school with were putting on a show like that.

The crowd dispersed all at once, filing quickly and unorganized through the doors of the venue, trying to be the first to their cars to beat the traffic. Melanie and I fought our way through the sea of people, trying to find the quickest root out.

“This way!” I called reaching behind me to grab her hand and pull her through the opening I was making. We made it outside and headed for the car, still fighting our way through people. Without thinking, I headed towards the buses where the crowd happened to be its thinnest. I glanced back toward Melanie to make sure she was okay, she shot me a smile and let go of my hand falling into step beside me.

“Oh my god!” She said pushing her hair back.

I laughed a bit, gasping for breath. At that moment, my shoulder collided with a rather large body and I stumbled back a bit. I looked up, heart coming to a fully stop, as I made eye contact with Rian Dawson.

“I’m so sorry!” He said flashing the same dazzling smile he’s always had. His eyebrows knitted together as he looked at me, recognizing me. “Hadley?...”

“Hi Rian….” I said slowly.

“How are you??” He asked pulling me in for a hug that I didn’t return.

“I’m fine….”

“What are you doing here? I can’t even believe this!” He laughed not feeling my discomfort. “Come with me to the bus, everyone would love to see you!”

“I-I-uh-can’t.” I said quickly stopping him.

“Hadley!” He laughed trying to grab my hand.

“No, Rian I’m serious. I’ve got to get home. It was uh-nice to see you…” I said turning and heading for the car, Melanie close on my heels.

“Hadley!” He said stopping me again. “Just wait here! Let me get Alex at least!”

Knowing I wasn’t going to get away from him easily I agreed.

As Rian grinned he said, “Wait here.” And then jogged towards the bus. As his head disappeared inside, I turned to Melanie and nodded for the car that wasn’t far from us.

“Walk. Fast.” I said hoping I reached the car before Rian returned with Alex.

We made it to the car, and I started it quickly. “Ugh! So awkward!” I said slamming the steering wheel as I reversed out the space.

“Are you okay?” Melanie asked with a laugh.

“I’ll be fine…” I said shaking my head. “I just can’t fucking believe of all people I could of run into I run into Rian fucking Dawson!”

“I know…I mean I don’t really know who he is but I have a feeling Alex is the ex, right.”

“Yup…” I said feeling my stomach twist into a knot as the form of Alex and Rian appeared off the bus. “Fuck…” I mumbled driving a little faster.

I was able to make it out of there before he saw me, but I caught his image standing where I had been standing moments before looking around with Rian, wondering where I had gone.

Notes