Lost Secrets
One
I ran and I ran, I just kept running. I couldn't stop for anything, if I stopped or even just slowed down for a second she'd be gone. She couldn't just leave. I needed her. She was all I had, I watch myself run back home, it's as if I'm watching a film I can see it so clearly. I see myself run into the bedroom, her bedroom. I watch myself fall to the floor as sobs take over me unable to process what is in front of me, she was gone. Gone for good. There was no mistaking it, I watch myself curl up into a ball screaming as salty tears rolled endlessly down my face. This was it, this was the end.
I wake up in my bed, my hand instantly clamps over my mouth to halt the screaming. I had the dream again, that awful dream. Except it wasn't really a dream, it was a memory, a dark memory that I had to relieve over and over every single night. I didn't even realise I was crying until the tears start pouring into my mouth, my bedroom door flies open and I instantly feel guilty for waking my father up again, he had been struggling too, he had to work a nine till five everyday and even longer on the weekends, he did it all just to provide for us and keep us with some sense of worth and here I was screwing it up because I was having a difficult time of things.
I knew that I needed to deal with it in another way, I knew the exact way to deal with it but I couldn't with my father standing here with a worried expression across all features of his face. I had to convince him I was okay, I wasn't but I just had to lie. Lying had become something I was all to familiar with recently. I would tell lie after lie hoping that it would help things, I knew that the truth would come out in the end but I'd deal with that then. Not now... Not for a long time.
"Did you have the dream again?" My father asked.
I nodded my head, wiping away the endless falling tears. My father held his arms open tiredly, I knew he was tired of me having these dreams but it wasn't just that easy to 'move on' what I had seen would stay with me forever. I pushed the bed covers off of me before flinging myself into my father's arms, his hold made me feel safe, that things would eventually be okay even though I knew that they wouldn't be. Not ever.
"Sweetie, maybe I should ring up a therapist or something, they can help you stop having these dreams." My father spoke softly, he already knew the subject of a therapist upset me after all it made her kill herself, who knew maybe it would end up killing me too.
"We don't have the money Dad and I don't need to speak to someone I have you."
"We'll find the money from somewhere Ellie, I'm not home enough for you to talk to I'm working everyday. I'm sorry."
"It's okay, honestly. I promise if it gets worse I'll tell you alright?"
"You better. Go back to sleep it's 5am you've got at least another hour, you don't want to fall asleep in class again." My father said in an attempt to lighten the mood.
I had only fallen asleep once and that was because I was getting zero sleep at home, I couldn't focus or feel safe even after we moved house and for some strange reason I felt extremely safe at school which was odd because I had always hated school, still hate school.
My father left a kiss on my forehead as he shut my bedroom door, once again leaving me alone in the darkness and leaving me alone with the bad thoughts. The familiar itch in my hand started up again, only temporarily going away in the presence of my father. I knew what I had to do.
I went inside my closet grabbing a towel and heading into the bathroom locking the door behind me. I scrambled in my bathroom cabinet, pulling out a tin which would look like it held sanitary towels in but it didn't. I knew that I shouldn't be doing this, I was breaking yet again another promise I'd made to my father and to her...but she'd broke her promise to me too so I really didn't care.
I held the blade tightly in my hand as I lifted my shirt up and pressed the blade to my hip. This was my 'hidden' spot, I used to do it on my wrists and arms but it became to obvious, especially when I said I had 'stopped'. I told people I had stopped just so they didn't have to worry about me, nobody needed to worry about me, not when I didn't give a fuck about myself anyway.
The blade cut nicely across my hip, it was all to familiar with the contact to my skin, I gritted my teeth in pain as I repeatedly dragged the blade across my skin but I felt a sense of relief as I did it, the pain was bearable.
"You deserve this" "You need to feel the pain" "You're worthless" "Why don't you just kill yourself...just like she did" "No one really cares, they're just pretending" "Who would care about a worthless pile of shit like you" The voices wouldn't stop inside my head, they were harsher than usual which made me just become more angry with myself as I dug the blade in deeper and began to slash at my hip until there was barley any space.
The pain was now excruciating, I hadn't meant to do it so bad it was only meant to be a few slashes not thirty, I was getting worse at dealing with the feelings I kept inside. How was I meant to cover this up? My hip felt like it was on fire, it stung so bad, I could feel tears rolling down my cheeks at pure anger at myself.
I switched the shower on, maybe it would be best to clean off a little. I stripped before climbing inside, the steaming hot water absorbing me as I sat down inside the shower. It was too painful to stand and quite honestly I just did not have the energy for it. I let the water soak me and wash away the blood from the cuts, it made me feel sick to see the blood running down the drain...there was so much. I finished off washing off the rest of myself the best that I could before switching the knob off and climbing out gently wrapping a towel around myself careful of the fresh wounds.
I dried myself off then grabbed my 'emergency kit' throwing the blade back inside, I pulled out two of the giant plasters the ones which were meant for serious injuries and applied them both to my hip before going back into my bedroom to get ready for school. I needed to wear something baggy today so it didn't irritate my hip, I really hadn't thought this through. I chose a pair of grey sweatpants and a white vest top, it's not like I had any boys to impress at high school, I had one friend. How pathetic. Don't get me wrong he was the bestfriend any girl could ever wish for but sometimes I wished that I had a friend that was a girl or something, just someone else.
I tied my hair up in a high ponytail then started to put on my foundation and eyeliner and then I was ready to go, I grabbed my bag and phone before going downstairs into the kitchen. I still had half an hour before the bus came, I guess I had spent a lot longer in the bathroom than I had originally planned. I looked through cupboards and there was no breakfast food, Dad hadn't been paid yet so we were a bit behind on shopping. I grabbed a big bag of cheetos out of the cupboard and poured myself a glass of coke and sat down in front of the television to pass the time before the bus came. What a nutritious breakfast Ellie.
I had almost finished the whole bag of cheetos before it was time to leave for the bus clever, the bus stop was less than a minutes walk from my house which was a big bonus. I shoved my earphones in Fall Out Boy blasting as I climbed straight onto the already waiting bus. I dreaded this bit everyday, there was usually barley any seats and nobody wanted me to sit next to them they'd stick their bags down next to them when I walked past and it made me feel extremely uncomfortable I hated it. Fortunately that was a free seat today and I grabbed it straight away, maybe today would get better.
The journey to school was brief and as soon as we arrived I rushed off straight to homeroom. I was one of the first people to arrive and I slid into my usually seat, pulling the earphones out of my ears once I saw Jack's grinning face walking over to me.
"Hey hey El." Jack said sitting down next to me.
"You alright?" I asked.
"I'm better than alright I'm great! This girl chose to sit next to me on the bus today, there was loads of empty seats and she came and sat next to me!"
"Aw Jack! What's her name?"
"Klara, she's really cute. I invited her to hang out at lunch with us today if that's okay? She said she doesn't have many friends."
I felt guilty thinking this but the first thought that came to my head was no. I was so used to Jack just being mine that I didn't want to share him with anyone else, he was my bestfriend, my only friend I didn't want him just to forget about me but I knew that deep down I was being selfish, I could see how happy he looked why would I try and ruin that by making him feel sorry for me?
"Yeah that sounds good, I wanna meet her." I lied faking a cheery smile.
"Great I can't wait. What's your first lesson?" Jack asked.
"English... Oh joy." I said sarcasm dripping off every word.
"Why don't you talk to Alex today? He said that you're always by yourself every lesson."
Unlike me, Jack had a lot of friends. Jack was this guy that everyone liked, even the popular kids whereas I was just an outcast, a loner. Alex was alright for a popular guy but he was also a massive knob when it came to girls and their feelings but for some reason ever since the first time Jack introduced me to him I fell for his stupid, deep, dark, brown eyes and after that I made sure to never speak to Alex again. What was the point? I'm pretty sure the rule when you're popular is that you can only date popular people and I wasn't the only girl crushing on Alex practically half the girls in the school were.
"I don't know if that's such a good idea Jack. I don't think I'm popular enough to talk to the all mighty Alexander Gaskarth." I said rolling my eyes.
"What do you mean, are you sure he's popular enough to talk to the all mighty Ellie Matthews." Jack said just as dramatically.
"Loser."
"Takes one to know one."
"Ha ha you're hilarious. "
"See ya at lunch!" Jack called as the bell rang.
Oh great. Time for English. I wonder what could possibly go wrong...
I wake up in my bed, my hand instantly clamps over my mouth to halt the screaming. I had the dream again, that awful dream. Except it wasn't really a dream, it was a memory, a dark memory that I had to relieve over and over every single night. I didn't even realise I was crying until the tears start pouring into my mouth, my bedroom door flies open and I instantly feel guilty for waking my father up again, he had been struggling too, he had to work a nine till five everyday and even longer on the weekends, he did it all just to provide for us and keep us with some sense of worth and here I was screwing it up because I was having a difficult time of things.
I knew that I needed to deal with it in another way, I knew the exact way to deal with it but I couldn't with my father standing here with a worried expression across all features of his face. I had to convince him I was okay, I wasn't but I just had to lie. Lying had become something I was all to familiar with recently. I would tell lie after lie hoping that it would help things, I knew that the truth would come out in the end but I'd deal with that then. Not now... Not for a long time.
"Did you have the dream again?" My father asked.
I nodded my head, wiping away the endless falling tears. My father held his arms open tiredly, I knew he was tired of me having these dreams but it wasn't just that easy to 'move on' what I had seen would stay with me forever. I pushed the bed covers off of me before flinging myself into my father's arms, his hold made me feel safe, that things would eventually be okay even though I knew that they wouldn't be. Not ever.
"Sweetie, maybe I should ring up a therapist or something, they can help you stop having these dreams." My father spoke softly, he already knew the subject of a therapist upset me after all it made her kill herself, who knew maybe it would end up killing me too.
"We don't have the money Dad and I don't need to speak to someone I have you."
"We'll find the money from somewhere Ellie, I'm not home enough for you to talk to I'm working everyday. I'm sorry."
"It's okay, honestly. I promise if it gets worse I'll tell you alright?"
"You better. Go back to sleep it's 5am you've got at least another hour, you don't want to fall asleep in class again." My father said in an attempt to lighten the mood.
I had only fallen asleep once and that was because I was getting zero sleep at home, I couldn't focus or feel safe even after we moved house and for some strange reason I felt extremely safe at school which was odd because I had always hated school, still hate school.
My father left a kiss on my forehead as he shut my bedroom door, once again leaving me alone in the darkness and leaving me alone with the bad thoughts. The familiar itch in my hand started up again, only temporarily going away in the presence of my father. I knew what I had to do.
I went inside my closet grabbing a towel and heading into the bathroom locking the door behind me. I scrambled in my bathroom cabinet, pulling out a tin which would look like it held sanitary towels in but it didn't. I knew that I shouldn't be doing this, I was breaking yet again another promise I'd made to my father and to her...but she'd broke her promise to me too so I really didn't care.
I held the blade tightly in my hand as I lifted my shirt up and pressed the blade to my hip. This was my 'hidden' spot, I used to do it on my wrists and arms but it became to obvious, especially when I said I had 'stopped'. I told people I had stopped just so they didn't have to worry about me, nobody needed to worry about me, not when I didn't give a fuck about myself anyway.
The blade cut nicely across my hip, it was all to familiar with the contact to my skin, I gritted my teeth in pain as I repeatedly dragged the blade across my skin but I felt a sense of relief as I did it, the pain was bearable.
"You deserve this" "You need to feel the pain" "You're worthless" "Why don't you just kill yourself...just like she did" "No one really cares, they're just pretending" "Who would care about a worthless pile of shit like you" The voices wouldn't stop inside my head, they were harsher than usual which made me just become more angry with myself as I dug the blade in deeper and began to slash at my hip until there was barley any space.
The pain was now excruciating, I hadn't meant to do it so bad it was only meant to be a few slashes not thirty, I was getting worse at dealing with the feelings I kept inside. How was I meant to cover this up? My hip felt like it was on fire, it stung so bad, I could feel tears rolling down my cheeks at pure anger at myself.
I switched the shower on, maybe it would be best to clean off a little. I stripped before climbing inside, the steaming hot water absorbing me as I sat down inside the shower. It was too painful to stand and quite honestly I just did not have the energy for it. I let the water soak me and wash away the blood from the cuts, it made me feel sick to see the blood running down the drain...there was so much. I finished off washing off the rest of myself the best that I could before switching the knob off and climbing out gently wrapping a towel around myself careful of the fresh wounds.
I dried myself off then grabbed my 'emergency kit' throwing the blade back inside, I pulled out two of the giant plasters the ones which were meant for serious injuries and applied them both to my hip before going back into my bedroom to get ready for school. I needed to wear something baggy today so it didn't irritate my hip, I really hadn't thought this through. I chose a pair of grey sweatpants and a white vest top, it's not like I had any boys to impress at high school, I had one friend. How pathetic. Don't get me wrong he was the bestfriend any girl could ever wish for but sometimes I wished that I had a friend that was a girl or something, just someone else.
I tied my hair up in a high ponytail then started to put on my foundation and eyeliner and then I was ready to go, I grabbed my bag and phone before going downstairs into the kitchen. I still had half an hour before the bus came, I guess I had spent a lot longer in the bathroom than I had originally planned. I looked through cupboards and there was no breakfast food, Dad hadn't been paid yet so we were a bit behind on shopping. I grabbed a big bag of cheetos out of the cupboard and poured myself a glass of coke and sat down in front of the television to pass the time before the bus came. What a nutritious breakfast Ellie.
I had almost finished the whole bag of cheetos before it was time to leave for the bus clever, the bus stop was less than a minutes walk from my house which was a big bonus. I shoved my earphones in Fall Out Boy blasting as I climbed straight onto the already waiting bus. I dreaded this bit everyday, there was usually barley any seats and nobody wanted me to sit next to them they'd stick their bags down next to them when I walked past and it made me feel extremely uncomfortable I hated it. Fortunately that was a free seat today and I grabbed it straight away, maybe today would get better.
The journey to school was brief and as soon as we arrived I rushed off straight to homeroom. I was one of the first people to arrive and I slid into my usually seat, pulling the earphones out of my ears once I saw Jack's grinning face walking over to me.
"Hey hey El." Jack said sitting down next to me.
"You alright?" I asked.
"I'm better than alright I'm great! This girl chose to sit next to me on the bus today, there was loads of empty seats and she came and sat next to me!"
"Aw Jack! What's her name?"
"Klara, she's really cute. I invited her to hang out at lunch with us today if that's okay? She said she doesn't have many friends."
I felt guilty thinking this but the first thought that came to my head was no. I was so used to Jack just being mine that I didn't want to share him with anyone else, he was my bestfriend, my only friend I didn't want him just to forget about me but I knew that deep down I was being selfish, I could see how happy he looked why would I try and ruin that by making him feel sorry for me?
"Yeah that sounds good, I wanna meet her." I lied faking a cheery smile.
"Great I can't wait. What's your first lesson?" Jack asked.
"English... Oh joy." I said sarcasm dripping off every word.
"Why don't you talk to Alex today? He said that you're always by yourself every lesson."
Unlike me, Jack had a lot of friends. Jack was this guy that everyone liked, even the popular kids whereas I was just an outcast, a loner. Alex was alright for a popular guy but he was also a massive knob when it came to girls and their feelings but for some reason ever since the first time Jack introduced me to him I fell for his stupid, deep, dark, brown eyes and after that I made sure to never speak to Alex again. What was the point? I'm pretty sure the rule when you're popular is that you can only date popular people and I wasn't the only girl crushing on Alex practically half the girls in the school were.
"I don't know if that's such a good idea Jack. I don't think I'm popular enough to talk to the all mighty Alexander Gaskarth." I said rolling my eyes.
"What do you mean, are you sure he's popular enough to talk to the all mighty Ellie Matthews." Jack said just as dramatically.
"Loser."
"Takes one to know one."
"Ha ha you're hilarious. "
"See ya at lunch!" Jack called as the bell rang.
Oh great. Time for English. I wonder what could possibly go wrong...
