I Caught Myself
Me, Myself And I
Sitting cross legged on my bed I stared outside my bedroom window finding tranquillity in the peaceful, calm allure of nature. After the events of yesterday I’d decided I needed some quality time to myself to reflect. Ben’s verbal attack really irritated me and it took all my control to not allow my thoughts to dwell on it. My fists would clench into balls of anger when my mind replayed the argument, remembering Jess’ lack of loyalty along with Ben’s outrage. I couldn’t figure out why Ben got so worked up about my drunken incident anyway, it wasn’t as if I was the only person intoxicated at his party-he didn’t get annoyed at Alex when he was ‘guilty’ for the exact same ‘crime’.
My irritation ate away at me and it eventually became uncomfortable and boring just sitting on my bed so I thought I’d let off my steam by running. Running was the ultimate remedy for clearing my thoughts as I’d channel my focus into finding a rhythm in both my steps and breathing.
“Max!” I called for my younger brother while searching for my ipod and preparing for my run.
“What?” he groaned, my brother was your typical reclusive teenager who was consumed in his own little world.
“If anyone calls for me, I’m out! Tell them to just try back later, Okay?” I articulated my words loud and clearly because I was aware of my brother’s poor listening skills.
All I earned was a grunt in reply as a form of acknowledgment and with that I rolled my eyes at Max grabbed my ipod and shut the front door behind me.
My whole body was pumped with adrenaline, my feet instantly breaking from a walk to run finding a comfortable pace. My lungs took in a rejuvenating breath of fresh air followed by exhaling the stale air along with all my worries. It was so liberating running, so much so I would always push myself too far to the point where I would have a stich and struggle to breathe. I had to resist the urge to fight the stich and keep running as I knew my body would ache with regret the next day so I took the stich as my cue to make tracks home.
As I arrived home I found Max in the kitchen on the phone to someone, “Oh, she’s just arrived home” he said to the other end of the receiver as his blue eyes landed on me. I shook my head quickly mouthing 'I’m not home' but my brother was fairly stupid which showed in his confused expression, his face wrinkled up and an eyebrow raised.
“Yeah man, I’ll put her on” he continued then pushed the phone towards me, “It’s for you” he informed me.
Idiot I thought as he walked off clueless. All I really wanted to do was shower and unwind from my run; the whole point of the run being to escape my social life right now. I guess I knew I couldn’t exactly run from it and I had to confront it sooner or later… I hesitated before picking up the phone.
“Hello?” my voice was quiet because honestly, I was feeling kind of nervous not knowing who was waiting on the other end of the telephone and I was still slightly embarrassed about my drunken behaviour.
“Hey, what’s up?”
It was Alex, I felt heat rise up my neck as I began to fidget with nerves. Oh God, this is gonna be awkward…
“Umm, nothing much?”my answer becoming more of a question as I wondered where this conversation was going.
I heard Alex sigh before he proceeded to cut the crap and let me know what he was thinking.
“Listen, I just wanted to call to make sure we were cool still? I mean I don’t even remember the kiss and I’m not sure if you do but it was a one off, right?”
Immediately I laughed into the phone unable to suppress it, was he really checking it was just a drunken kiss, ‘a one off’?!
“Gaskarth, I think it is safe to say the two of us don’t remember much of that night and I am certain we had no idea what we were doing. To answer your question, Yes it was a one off drunken kiss- no strings attached. The feelings between us is completely and utterly platonic-100% platonic.”I added making my intentions and feelings very obvious.
This time Alex sighed with relief, a smile spread across my face at the thought of Alex’s anxious face prior to my confirmation we were only friends- it always made Alex nervous at the thought of handling girls and their feelings for him.
“Oh sweet, so we are all good.” his mood a lot lighter now.
“Yup. Was that all you wanted to talk about?” I asked so relieved at how easy this conversation had unfolded.
“Yeah, that was all. Just didn’t want things to be weird between us.” he added.
“I know what you mean” I agreed thinking just minutes ago about how much I dreaded confronting what I thought would be an uncomfortable conversation. After laughing it off we ended the conversation and I hung up the phone to finally have that shower I needed.
As I finished off drying my hair I decided to check my phone since I hadn’t bothered all day. There were the two missed calls from Gaskarth; he’d obviously tried to call my mobile first and I’d missed them when on my run. There was a message from Izzy asking me how I was doing and to call her when I felt like talking- she was the greatest friend to have, knowing when I needed space and when I needed to talk. That was it. There was no message or calls from Zack which sort of disappointed me; normally we’d text each other daily even if it was only a message to say hey.
Instantly a flashback of Zack’s head hung low with shame at the BBQ popped into my mind and I cringed feeling guilty. I owed him an apology for ruining his night ‘babysitting’ and taking responsibility for me. I also owed him a big thank you for still sticking by me, looking after me and supporting me. I felt awful, Zack never threw that much responsibility on me ever. The amount of times I’d repaid him for his help was a poor effort, I’d only picked him up from parties and made him breakfast after them occasionally which seemed insignificant compared to Zack’s duties towards me. I shouldn’t have expected him to call or message me, I should be making the effort towards our friendship.
Instead of calling or texting him I opted to visit him, stopping off at Gloria Jeans on the way to grab him and myself an iced chocolate. Pulling up to his driveway I noticed his car parked in the garage meaning he was home, I used my free hand to knock on his front door while my other hand balanced the iced chocolates. Zack pulled open the front door dressed in a pair of boardies and a Hurley singlet shirt, his hair still long and scruffy dangling over his eyes. I noticed he was wearing his thick black rimmed glasses which always made me smile because he looked so different and kind of nerdy and cute.
“Hey” I beamed already smiling at the sight of him wearing his glasses. He barely ever wore his glasses unless he had to; Zack was too self conscious of them because in my opinion they suited him really well.
“Hey” he greeted while pushing the door further open indicating for me to enter inside. I made my way to Zack’s small studio knowing he only wore his glasses at home if he was reading or making music, since the studio was lit up and food wrappers were evident I knew Zack making music was my safe bet. I took a seat, Zack following behind swaying on his computer chair playing around with his laptop. I handed him his iced chocolate and he smiled, “Thank you! I’m sooo hungry.”he said taking a long sip of the drink.
“Have you had lunch yet?” I questioned predicting Zack had a flow of creativity he didn’t want to ruin for a stupid lunch break. He shook his head still fiddling with his laptop so I made my way to his kitchen and began preparing him a sandwich. When I was done preparing the sandwich I served it on a plate covering it with cling wrap until Zack was done being creative and ready to eat.
“There’s a sandwich made for you ready to eat when you want in the kitchen” I informed him.
“Thanks, I’m just finishing this up now.” he closed down his laptop then proceeded to putting his guitar away in its case.
“Zack,”he made eye contact with me letting me know he was listening “Thanks for looking after me at the party and sticking up for me when Ben was being an arsehole.”
“Anytime” he shrugged while shooting me a small smile. “…And don’t take what Ben said personally, he was just pissed off in general. You seemed to be an outlet for his anger unfortunately.” Zack reassured.
I couldn’t help but scoff at Zack’s statement, he was being sweet and all but I doubted that Ben was ‘generally pissed off’, he meant to direct it specifically at me and to take his verbal attack personally.
“Come on, Cassie” Zack pleaded not too pleased about my reaction, “Give Ben a break alright? He had a rough time cleaning up that party, it was a mess. A lot of shit went missing or was broken; there was a fair bit of damage. He’s just bummed out at how trashed his place was, Mickey nearly got sick from someone putting vodka in his drinking bowl…” Zack explained looking at me solemnly for that last part of his sentence.
My shoulders slumped and my jaw dropped in shock, “I didn’t try and feed his dog vodka, right?” I asked in disbelief.
Zack nodded, “Ben didn’t see you doing it but he caught me pouring out his water bowl and he asked me why. I told him some random guy did it and I’m glad I lied because you would be his least favourite person most definitely after that little fact.”
“Poor Mickey!” I frowned instantly feeling miserable for nearly hurting Ben’s dog.
“You said Mickey looked thirsty, you were absolutely plastered when you did it. But seriously Ben’s over it now, the damage is done and everyone helped him clean and repair his house as close to normal as it would get plus Mickey remained unharmed.” he informed me.
I did admit to Zack I felt bad for Ben’s misfortune though I was still bothered I became his punching bag that had to deal with his frustration.
My mind tossed up whether to forgive Ben- and Jess for that matter- or not. Taking the easier option I decided to understand Ben’s reasoning for attacking me and used the whole forgive and forget this time.
My irritation ate away at me and it eventually became uncomfortable and boring just sitting on my bed so I thought I’d let off my steam by running. Running was the ultimate remedy for clearing my thoughts as I’d channel my focus into finding a rhythm in both my steps and breathing.
“Max!” I called for my younger brother while searching for my ipod and preparing for my run.
“What?” he groaned, my brother was your typical reclusive teenager who was consumed in his own little world.
“If anyone calls for me, I’m out! Tell them to just try back later, Okay?” I articulated my words loud and clearly because I was aware of my brother’s poor listening skills.
All I earned was a grunt in reply as a form of acknowledgment and with that I rolled my eyes at Max grabbed my ipod and shut the front door behind me.
My whole body was pumped with adrenaline, my feet instantly breaking from a walk to run finding a comfortable pace. My lungs took in a rejuvenating breath of fresh air followed by exhaling the stale air along with all my worries. It was so liberating running, so much so I would always push myself too far to the point where I would have a stich and struggle to breathe. I had to resist the urge to fight the stich and keep running as I knew my body would ache with regret the next day so I took the stich as my cue to make tracks home.
As I arrived home I found Max in the kitchen on the phone to someone, “Oh, she’s just arrived home” he said to the other end of the receiver as his blue eyes landed on me. I shook my head quickly mouthing 'I’m not home' but my brother was fairly stupid which showed in his confused expression, his face wrinkled up and an eyebrow raised.
“Yeah man, I’ll put her on” he continued then pushed the phone towards me, “It’s for you” he informed me.
Idiot I thought as he walked off clueless. All I really wanted to do was shower and unwind from my run; the whole point of the run being to escape my social life right now. I guess I knew I couldn’t exactly run from it and I had to confront it sooner or later… I hesitated before picking up the phone.
“Hello?” my voice was quiet because honestly, I was feeling kind of nervous not knowing who was waiting on the other end of the telephone and I was still slightly embarrassed about my drunken behaviour.
“Hey, what’s up?”
It was Alex, I felt heat rise up my neck as I began to fidget with nerves. Oh God, this is gonna be awkward…
“Umm, nothing much?”my answer becoming more of a question as I wondered where this conversation was going.
I heard Alex sigh before he proceeded to cut the crap and let me know what he was thinking.
“Listen, I just wanted to call to make sure we were cool still? I mean I don’t even remember the kiss and I’m not sure if you do but it was a one off, right?”
Immediately I laughed into the phone unable to suppress it, was he really checking it was just a drunken kiss, ‘a one off’?!
“Gaskarth, I think it is safe to say the two of us don’t remember much of that night and I am certain we had no idea what we were doing. To answer your question, Yes it was a one off drunken kiss- no strings attached. The feelings between us is completely and utterly platonic-100% platonic.”I added making my intentions and feelings very obvious.
This time Alex sighed with relief, a smile spread across my face at the thought of Alex’s anxious face prior to my confirmation we were only friends- it always made Alex nervous at the thought of handling girls and their feelings for him.
“Oh sweet, so we are all good.” his mood a lot lighter now.
“Yup. Was that all you wanted to talk about?” I asked so relieved at how easy this conversation had unfolded.
“Yeah, that was all. Just didn’t want things to be weird between us.” he added.
“I know what you mean” I agreed thinking just minutes ago about how much I dreaded confronting what I thought would be an uncomfortable conversation. After laughing it off we ended the conversation and I hung up the phone to finally have that shower I needed.
As I finished off drying my hair I decided to check my phone since I hadn’t bothered all day. There were the two missed calls from Gaskarth; he’d obviously tried to call my mobile first and I’d missed them when on my run. There was a message from Izzy asking me how I was doing and to call her when I felt like talking- she was the greatest friend to have, knowing when I needed space and when I needed to talk. That was it. There was no message or calls from Zack which sort of disappointed me; normally we’d text each other daily even if it was only a message to say hey.
Instantly a flashback of Zack’s head hung low with shame at the BBQ popped into my mind and I cringed feeling guilty. I owed him an apology for ruining his night ‘babysitting’ and taking responsibility for me. I also owed him a big thank you for still sticking by me, looking after me and supporting me. I felt awful, Zack never threw that much responsibility on me ever. The amount of times I’d repaid him for his help was a poor effort, I’d only picked him up from parties and made him breakfast after them occasionally which seemed insignificant compared to Zack’s duties towards me. I shouldn’t have expected him to call or message me, I should be making the effort towards our friendship.
Instead of calling or texting him I opted to visit him, stopping off at Gloria Jeans on the way to grab him and myself an iced chocolate. Pulling up to his driveway I noticed his car parked in the garage meaning he was home, I used my free hand to knock on his front door while my other hand balanced the iced chocolates. Zack pulled open the front door dressed in a pair of boardies and a Hurley singlet shirt, his hair still long and scruffy dangling over his eyes. I noticed he was wearing his thick black rimmed glasses which always made me smile because he looked so different and kind of nerdy and cute.
“Hey” I beamed already smiling at the sight of him wearing his glasses. He barely ever wore his glasses unless he had to; Zack was too self conscious of them because in my opinion they suited him really well.
“Hey” he greeted while pushing the door further open indicating for me to enter inside. I made my way to Zack’s small studio knowing he only wore his glasses at home if he was reading or making music, since the studio was lit up and food wrappers were evident I knew Zack making music was my safe bet. I took a seat, Zack following behind swaying on his computer chair playing around with his laptop. I handed him his iced chocolate and he smiled, “Thank you! I’m sooo hungry.”he said taking a long sip of the drink.
“Have you had lunch yet?” I questioned predicting Zack had a flow of creativity he didn’t want to ruin for a stupid lunch break. He shook his head still fiddling with his laptop so I made my way to his kitchen and began preparing him a sandwich. When I was done preparing the sandwich I served it on a plate covering it with cling wrap until Zack was done being creative and ready to eat.
“There’s a sandwich made for you ready to eat when you want in the kitchen” I informed him.
“Thanks, I’m just finishing this up now.” he closed down his laptop then proceeded to putting his guitar away in its case.
“Zack,”he made eye contact with me letting me know he was listening “Thanks for looking after me at the party and sticking up for me when Ben was being an arsehole.”
“Anytime” he shrugged while shooting me a small smile. “…And don’t take what Ben said personally, he was just pissed off in general. You seemed to be an outlet for his anger unfortunately.” Zack reassured.
I couldn’t help but scoff at Zack’s statement, he was being sweet and all but I doubted that Ben was ‘generally pissed off’, he meant to direct it specifically at me and to take his verbal attack personally.
“Come on, Cassie” Zack pleaded not too pleased about my reaction, “Give Ben a break alright? He had a rough time cleaning up that party, it was a mess. A lot of shit went missing or was broken; there was a fair bit of damage. He’s just bummed out at how trashed his place was, Mickey nearly got sick from someone putting vodka in his drinking bowl…” Zack explained looking at me solemnly for that last part of his sentence.
My shoulders slumped and my jaw dropped in shock, “I didn’t try and feed his dog vodka, right?” I asked in disbelief.
Zack nodded, “Ben didn’t see you doing it but he caught me pouring out his water bowl and he asked me why. I told him some random guy did it and I’m glad I lied because you would be his least favourite person most definitely after that little fact.”
“Poor Mickey!” I frowned instantly feeling miserable for nearly hurting Ben’s dog.
“You said Mickey looked thirsty, you were absolutely plastered when you did it. But seriously Ben’s over it now, the damage is done and everyone helped him clean and repair his house as close to normal as it would get plus Mickey remained unharmed.” he informed me.
I did admit to Zack I felt bad for Ben’s misfortune though I was still bothered I became his punching bag that had to deal with his frustration.
My mind tossed up whether to forgive Ben- and Jess for that matter- or not. Taking the easier option I decided to understand Ben’s reasoning for attacking me and used the whole forgive and forget this time.
12/17/12