Like the mirror I stare into, distorting my own views of how I see myself
So untraceable to everybody else

Teardrops and blood stains littered the countertop in Alex and Jack’s shared en suite bathroom, the older man’s hands gripping the granite like his life depended on it, arms shaking like a leaf. His head was bowed as he watched the thick crimson slowly trail down into the drain.He had done it again. His urges had gotten the best of him. Jack was going to be so disappointed.

Slowly, Alex lifted his head to take a good look at himself in the mirror. His forehead was covered in beads of sweat, his caramel-colored hair sticking to the surface and wild at the top. If not given the circumstances, it may have looked like the man had just had really great sex. But no, it was quite the opposite, actually, because his lover was miles and miles away
.
His irises, which were normally a deep shade of chocolate brown, now looked lifeless and dull, while the whites of his eyes were bloodshot. Tear stains streaked down his cheek to his jawbone. His arms were dripping blood, slowly the red substance oozed out of the fresh cuts. Alex had never looked so dead, yet felt so alive.
It had been ten months since he brought a razorblade to his wrist after promising Jack he would stop. It was hard, but he understood how much it was hurting the sensitive younger boy. Alex was disappointed in himself for breaking this promise, which just added on to the burden sitting over his shoulders.

Jack Barakat was a man of confidence and charisma…on the outside. He seemed to have the perfect life. He was a rockstar - the lead guitarist in a band that had successfully toured all the way across the globe a countless amount of times. Girls of all ages threw themselves at him, although he didn’t need his petty one night stands anymore. Jack Barakat was a changed man – a man changed by the love of his life: Alex Gaskarth.

On the inside, however, Jack was afraid. Very afraid.

Jack was afraid of losing his husband, of losing his daughter, of losing himself. He never wanted to forget where their little band had come from before it blew up into something huge. He couldn’t take his daughter out for ice cream anymore without someone walking up and asking for a picture or an autograph. He couldn’t go out to taco bell with his friends without someone sitting in a corner and recording him eating his burrito.

Alex and Courtney were Jack’s entire world, and as much as he wished he could have a quiet life with them, he knew that he had signed up for the fast life when All Time Low had gotten started back in their freshman year of high school. Back then, Jack and Alex weren’t officially a couple; they had gotten each other off a few times experimentally, but their relationship hadn’t publicly started until many years later when they had noticeably been growing closer and closer. Their fans weren’t too far off with their ‘Jalex’ theories, but it’s a shame that Jack and Alex were the last to realize how perfect they were together.

After twenty years of touring, partying, and occasional drugs, Jack, Alex, Zack, and Rian decided that it was finally time to retire All Time Low to start families and continue their lives on their own paths. Alex and Jack got married, Rian and his girlfriend Cassadee got married, and Zack spent a lot of time with a new girlfriend that he could finally have the time to commit to as they traveled the world together. Always the adventurer, Zack was.

During their time as a band, Alex had always been confident and cocky, knowing that he was attractive and had a way with words that could sweep any girl – or boy, really – off of their feet. Alex was able to look in the mirror and understand why girls yelled “I love you, Alex!” from the crowd or dedicated tumblr blogs to him, praising how “hot” he was. He soaked it all up like a sponge. In fact, the boy could be so self-absorbed that he would be surprised when he couldn’t charm a girl. “Now she won’t buy my sex appeal, I’m just an east coast kid with a record deal,” he wrote in one of his songs. Good job, Gaskarth, you finally realized that not every woman in the world wants you.

Maybe it’s about that time when Alex started to become more insecure about himself. Night after night, Jack was finding him in the bathroom on the bus, just staring at himself in the full-body mirror with a disapproving look as he counted out his insecurities. This is also around the same time that Jack and Alex finally became an official couple because Jack knew that Alex needed someone there for him as more than a friend to remind him that he was loved.

That brings us back to present times as Alex examines himself in the mirror yet again, bloody and crying in the bathroom. Eventually, he got sick of his reflection and watched a beautiful shower of glass fall to the floor as his fist went flying towards the image of his face. Alex was just done with himself. He didn’t need to see himself to know how hideous he thought he was. How can Jack love me like this? Alex thought to himself.

Shattered pieces fell as I tell myself that everything is alright
As I stand here left with nothing
I’m broke but I’m not broken

Alex prayed that Jack would come home from his trip sometime soon. He couldn’t handle being alone like this anymore. Of course, Alex remembered that he wasn’t completely alone when a sleepy Courtney peeked into the bathroom to locate the source of the yelling and shattering that woke her from her slumber.

“Dad…are you alright?” she asked timidly, stepping around the broken glass spotting the floor and gasping when she noticed the blood everywhere, dripping from his forearms and from his knuckles.

“I-I’m fine, honey, just go back to bed, please,” Alex choked out, his head ducked down as he desperately tried to hide behind his hair. It had finally completely set in that he had relapsed; he had disappointed his daughter.

“But, Dad, you-“ she started.

“Courtney,” Alex cut her off.“Please, just go back to bed,” he sobbed, not ready to look into her piercing blue eyes.

Courtney stayed for another moment, assessing the situation. “I’m calling Dad,” she finally said, meaning Jack, as she traipsed out of the room to find her cell phone and spill Alex’s secret.

“No, please,” Alex cried, chasing after her and cursing when he stepped on shards of glass, wondering how he could be so stupid.“You can’t tell him,” he breathed. “Jack can’t know, he’s going to be so disappointed in me and-“

“And you think I’m not?” she sighed, placing her phone back down next to her bed.

Like the mirror, that’s my rear view
Distorting my own views of how I see myself,
It’s not erasable; I’m miserable as hell
As the pages turn I begin to learn that I have every reason to resent myself
I’m broke but I’m not broken

“Courtney, I know you’re disappointed, and I’m disappointed in myself, but really, you can’t call Jack and you can’t tell him about this, I- Courtney, I-“ Alex scrambled to find the appropriate words to break the news to his daughter, who he was yet to inform of the situation.

“What?” she asked, irritated, placing a hand on her hip as any thirteen-year-old would do in this situation.

“I…Courtney…Jack’s not coming back.He’s not coming back for a long, long time.”


The pair let the words linger for a moment as Alex waited from them to fully sink in to his daughter.

“What do you mean Jack’s not coming back?” she asked, eyes filling up with tears as her mind raced with confusion.

“He didn’t go on a ‘business trip’,” Alex sighed, holding back tears of his own.“ He walked out on us; he’s…he’s gone.” Finally, Alex choked out a sob, and Courtney moved forward to hug her dad. Their tight embrace could have lasted for hours our minutes, neither one knew, but eventually the two wiped their tears and pulled away, silently deciding that they needed to get back to bed.

The next morning, Alex woke up and glanced at his arms, and the scabbed over cuts reminded him of last night’s events. He finally told Courtney that Jack wasn’t coming back, now it was just time for him to accept it himself.

Alex pulled out his laptop and logged into his old tumblr account from his 'band days', immediately finding his way into the “Jalex” tag. Pictures of the happy couple filled the screen and Alex had to choke back a sob when he arrived at a photoset of their wedding.

I stand outside on my front porch and look at photographs of when
Things seemed simpler, but I pushed away
So this is where I am
At a different place where I lost track
And everything’s not alright
So I’ll stand here left with nothing.
I’m broke but I’m not broken.

~~~

Alex and Courtney were spending a quiet night in watching movies and eating popcorn. It was Courtney’s turn to pick the movie, so she picked Mean Girls, naturally, and while she was getting really into it, something just didn’t feel right to Alex. Perhaps it was the fact that Courtney was quietly quoting her favorite lines just like Jack used to when he watched Home Alone. Alex knew that she had picked up that tendency from him.

“I’ll be right back,” he whispered, standing up from the couch. “I just need to go outside and get some fresh air.” Courtney nodded as Alex slipped out the front door to stand on the wraparound porch – a feature that basically sold the house to Jack since he had always wanted one. Alex took a seat on the swing that he used to sit on with Jack and looked out over the neighborhood. Kids were being called inside for the night by their parents as street lights were coming to life and bedroom lights were being switched off. Alex, being the very thoughtful man he had always been, got lost in his mind and was pulled from it only when Courtney came outside looking for him.

“Dad? The movie’s almost over…aren’t you cold out here?”

The truth is: Alex was cold. He was shivering, but it made him feel more alive. It was better than cutting to know he was alive, he decided.

“Yeah, I’ll be in in a minute, you go back inside before you freeze,” Alex forced a smile as his daughter reluctantly returned to the house. Standing up from the swing, Alex dragged his feet over to stand behind the deck railing and watched curiously as a car slowly made its way down the road. They lived in a private neighborhood where people were usually home before 8, considering there were a lot of children. It was uncommon to see someone driving around here late at night.

As soon as the car came closer to the house, Alex immediately recognized it as Jack’s black Lexus. But no, it couldn’t be Jack. Jack was gone. Alex was abandoned when he needed someone the most – why would he come back now?

Don’t take this away, cause I need it
And I can’t let go of this feeling
And these walls, they fall and my time is
Slipping further, I can’t fight it

Alex was right, though. The car pulled into their stone driveway and the ever-so-handsome Jack Barakat emerged from inside. Alex couldn’t help but break out into a grin and run down the steps towards his husband who eagerly embraced him in a tight hug. Out of habit, the shorter boy jumped up and swung his legs around the younger boy’s waist, who luckily caught him just in time.

“I missed you, so, so much,” Alex whispered as Jack leaded his forehead against Alex’s.

“I missed you more.Leaving was a mistake, I’m sorry.”





Leaving was a mistake, I’m sorry was the sentence that ran through Alex’s mind when he woke up in a cold sweat, reaching out to the empty side of the bed next to him. After several attempts at going back to sleep, Alex knew that he couldn’t hide from this day anymore.Getting up and putting on a suit, he unlocked his phone and stared at a picture of himself and Jack together just days before the accident.

Ever since he lost Jack, he would have dreams of him coming home to him and his daughter, and would wake up to the cold and hard reality. His husband was gone. His daughter was living with her grandparents because he had been considered too unstable to raise a child anymore. Did they expect him to be okay with this?

Walking into the funeral parlor was the hardest thing Alex has ever done.He knelt in front of Jack’s casket for a long time, whispering to him as he clutched his cold, lifeless hand for the last time.

“I love you so much, Jacky,” he sobbed as the casket was lowered into the ground.

Alex had never wished more that Jack was on just another ‘business trip.”


I’m holding on to what I know
Don’t wanna change
I may be wrong, but after every word that’s spoken
I’m broke but I’m not broken

Notes

Well that was interesting. I honestly did not plan on it going like that at all. (I actually originally intended for Alex to attempt suicide for different reasons oops) Honestly I have no idea how it ended like that and I kind of lost inspiration about half way through writing it, but I guess that was bound to happen as this was kind of just me trying to get back into writing by entering.

I hope you enjoyed it though, and thank you for letting me participate c: <3

~SaraBethGaskarth