After Gretel and Griffin assaulted me with questions about my incident with Jack, I ditched them. And for a Saturday afternoon, the mall was pretty empty, so walking around the mall was serene. With Alex and his friends always at my house, and with the constant appearances from my friends every other hour, I never really had time to myself. Time to think and let my mind free was nice, but it was also very dangerous.

As if programmed, my mind would wander to thoughts of Alex every five minutes. The thought of him with Lisa made me sick to my stomach. Obviously I didn't expect him to be with me, but he should at least be with someone better than her. Someone on his level, someone deserving.

The way he acts around her is like he is a whole different person, way worse than he normally is. And it's not like I'm just saying this stuff because I'm jealous, everyone has noticed it. His friends notice it, my friends notice it, people he doesn't even talk to notice it. Sometimes I'm ashamed to associate myself with him.

What hasn't changed is his music and for that I am thankful. If you ever want to find Alex, the real Alex, just look at his music. His melody and his lyrics spell out the truth. That's why I don't understand why he acts the way he does, it's not him. It's like he's putting on a show for Lisa because she wouldn't like his true self. Which is a ridiculous thought because any girl would be lucky to have Alex in his purest form, and he shouldn't think otherwise.

As my thoughts delved further into the query, I walked on without knowing where I was or where I was going.

First there was a chest. Then a tangle of limbs. Finally my ass on cold tile.

"I'm sorry." I said through the pain. "I wasn't paying attention to where I was going. Are you oka-" And then I saw who I was talking to, who I just ran into, who I was now laying under.

"Well, it's not like we haven't met in this position before," He said with a wink.

"Christopher." The word came out like vomit, the vomit I wish I had barfed in his disgustingly beautiful face.

"I remember when you used to call me things like babe, what happened to that Avery? You only used to call me Christopher when I had you screaming my name in be-"

"That's been over for a long time now, Christopher, now get the fuck off me."

He laughed, smiling his stupid smile while tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear. "I think I like it here so I'm just gonna stay put."

I threw my head back on the tiled floor, groaning because it hurt but mostly because I was pissed off that this asshole would not let me go.

My mind was so far off that I didn't even notice how he continued to play with my hair and my hand rested on his chest. Maybe we were together for so long that our bodies were just used to each other, it was a habit.

Now that I have a moment to really think about it, since I was unable to move, Christopher had been a big chapter in my life. He had a lot of my first's. My first boyfriend, my first second base, my first third base, my first. And after Alex, probably the only guy capable of doing this beside Alex, he was the first boy that ever changed the way my heart beat. If it was possible he made me think there was someone out there aside from Alex, because there was him.

That was the same month I kissed Alex but before we started high school and things got rocky. We weren't the couple that made it through Freshman year, hell we didn't even make it through the first semester. He wasn't the type to be a long term boyfriend and that hasn't changed. As far as I know our 13 month relationship was the longest he's had, granted that was much longer than anyone thought it would last.

"What are you thinking about?"

I reeled my mind back to reality. "Nothing," I said as I took my hand off his chest.

"You are such a liar. I know that look in your eye, you're thinking about me, about us."

"You need to get over yourself, just like you need to get off of me."

Suddenly his face was much closer. "It's okay, Ave, I think about us too."

"No, no you don't." I repeatedly slammed my head against the ground, praying this was a terrible nightmare and I could just wake up already.

Christopher grabbed my head in his hands. "Of course I do. I miss you Avery."

I shook my head as I felt his forehead rest against mine. "No. No no no."

"Yes." He held my head tighter in his hands. "You know how I felt about you, how I still feel."

I felt like crying. "Please, Chris, don't."

"Avery, I love you."

And suddenly, I was angry. The whole time we were actually dating, he never said that to me. Never. It was the one thing I wanted. I gave him what he wanted, but he could never return the favor. And now here we are, almost a year after our break up, and he's saying the words I thought would change everything. And now that he's said it things are changing, just not the way I thought they would.

With my anger came a new found strength that I used to push him off me.

"You're a year too late, Christopher. I don't care." I stood up and wiped the grime off myself.

He stood up next. "No I'm not. You still feel it too. I know it and so do you."

"How could I feel anything with the concussion I probably got from that tackle!"

"You ran into me!" He caught himself when he realized that he was yelling. He took a step forward and grabbed me firmly by the arms. "Look Avery, I was a fifteen year old boy, and I know some people don't change, but I'm not the same. I'm sixteen and it took losing you to realize what a mistake I had made."

"Who care's how old you are? I was a fifteen year old girl and I knew what I wanted! I knew what you wanted and I gave it to you.."

He rolled his eyes. "Oh really? Why don't you tell me what I wanted since I sure as hell didn't know."

I screamed right in his face, "We had sex, Christopher!"

He looked taken aback. "You wanted that too...you can't blame that on me."

"I'm not blaming you," I sighed. "Of course I wanted it to, I'm not saying I didn't, but you wanted it more. You pushed for it. And I loved you so I went with it. But you didn't give me what I wanted. I wanted you to be able to tell me you loved me too, I didn't want to just keep assuming it. I wanted to know, I wanted you to say it."

"We were together for over a year, Avery. I've never been with a girl for that long. You knew how I felt, I didn't need to say it."

I felt like pulling my hair. "Yes you did."

"Have you ever heard the saying 'actions speak louder than words'?" He chuckled.

"You're not listening to me and I don't feel like explaining myself a thousand times. You're never going to understand. That's why we didn't work and are never going to work." I grabbed his hand. "I loved you so much, Chris. A part of me will always love you and you'll always have a piece of me. But it's been a year and that's all in the past. Let me go."

Then I dropped his hand and took a step away. When I was sure he wouldn't stop me from leaving, I left.



"Just another day in the life of me. It's 3 AM and I can't sleep." I looked at the clock. It was actually 4 AM, close enough.

I left the mall right after my fall out with Christopher. I didn't even tell Gretel and Griffin that I was leaving, I just left. They called for about an hour when they figured out I was gone. I didn't answer their calls and then the calls stopped. I love them, they're my best friends, but this is just something I don't talk about with anyone.

"Everything that I do, it's never good enough for you. I do my best, dress to impress with my heart out on my chest. Going nowhere fast, I don't know where I'm at."

"So, it's 4 AM. Since mom is out of town, I should be a responsible older brother and tell you that you should be in bed. Considering I just got home, though, I'll refrain from it."

I rolled my eyes. "Bum. Where were you at four in the morning?"

Alex clumsily strolled to the edge of my bed then proceeded to fall onto it, "Killer party."

"You're drunk."

"I'm fun."

"You're stupid." I sat up. "How the hell did you get home?"

"Rian the Responsible." Alex mumbled as his eyes drifted shut and his head dug into the mattress.

"No, Alex, you cannot fall sleep on my bed." I groaned. "Alexander!"

"Shhh, stop being such a bitch..." And with that, he was passed out.

I signed. Alex wasn't fat, but I wasn't strong. There was no way I was getting him off my bed by myself. Another option was to go sleep somewhere else, but this was my fucking room. My bed molded to my body in all the right places when I was ready to checkout for the night.

Plus, Alex looked really cute when he was sleeping. If I wasn't creepy, I would spend the rest of the night just watching him sleep. But that was creepy, extremely creepy. So I settled for brushing his hair out of his face, my hand lingering for a moment afterwards. Then I leaned over to turn my light off and then settled in bed.

I was in far too deep.

Notes

I'm sorry it's been so long. But here it is.
Adding in some stuff about Christopher, essential in the long run. And a little tidbit of Alex at the end.
Leave me your thoughts!