A Life of the Plain and the Simple
Twenty-Five
I was released from the hospital five days after I gave birth to Lacey and Lily. I was happy that we made it through everything, but I was so down and depressed that I couldn't do anything to keep them safe inside me for the last month of my pregnancy. If I was stronger, they would have been born on time and perfectly healthy; they would be coming home with Jack and I.
"Jack I'm going to lay down for a while," I kissed Jack and left to our room.
I closed the door behind me and I collapsed onto our bed. I cried the hardest I have ever cried. My daughters were stuck in the hospital and it was all my fault. I didn't do enough to make sure they were perfectly healthy. I failed them. I failed everyone.
Ever since I saw them for the first time, I felt this sense of dred hang over me. I knew I had anxiety because my dad had it too. But it was centered around my two little girls. I was afraid to lose them, that they'd never get better. I don't even know if I'd be able to have another baby if I lose them. I was afraid that Jack would be driven away by my failure to our daughter and he'd take Isabelle away from and leave me alone.
"Stell," I hadn't realize Jack had come in, "Stella what's wrong?"
"I failed," I sobbed as I gasped for air. It felt like the world was crashing around me, crushing me. I couldn't take in enough air. I was choking, suffocating. I felt every part of my body shaking and I couldn't focus on anything around me. I was so scared, I have never been this scared in my entire life.
"Stella, breathe. Stella please just breathe," Jack took hold of my face, forcing me to focus on him, "Stella Marie, you haven't failed . You are perfectly fine. Lacey and Lily are perfect the way they are. They are alive and safe. There's nothing to worry about anymore."
"It's all my fault. I wasn't strong enough to keep them in me," I sobbed as I leaned into him, still gasping for air.
"Stella, it's not your fault. The doctor says it happens, that twins can be born a month early. You just gave birth a little sooner than expected. You are not to blame for them being premature. The girls were just a little too excited to meet us, that's all," Jack cooed as he rocked me in his arms.
"I'm just so scared for them, Jack," I cried, "I want them home, where they belong. I'm scared that I can't protect them when they're so far away from me."
"Lacey and Lily are safe, Stella. The people in the NICU will protect them for us until we can bring them home," Jack kissed my forehead as I got breathing under control, "I promise you that our twin girls are going to be even more perfect once they can come home. You did so well, Stella. You all lived through it, and I am so proud of you."
"Jack I'm going to lay down for a while," I kissed Jack and left to our room.
I closed the door behind me and I collapsed onto our bed. I cried the hardest I have ever cried. My daughters were stuck in the hospital and it was all my fault. I didn't do enough to make sure they were perfectly healthy. I failed them. I failed everyone.
Ever since I saw them for the first time, I felt this sense of dred hang over me. I knew I had anxiety because my dad had it too. But it was centered around my two little girls. I was afraid to lose them, that they'd never get better. I don't even know if I'd be able to have another baby if I lose them. I was afraid that Jack would be driven away by my failure to our daughter and he'd take Isabelle away from and leave me alone.
"Stell," I hadn't realize Jack had come in, "Stella what's wrong?"
"I failed," I sobbed as I gasped for air. It felt like the world was crashing around me, crushing me. I couldn't take in enough air. I was choking, suffocating. I felt every part of my body shaking and I couldn't focus on anything around me. I was so scared, I have never been this scared in my entire life.
"Stella, breathe. Stella please just breathe," Jack took hold of my face, forcing me to focus on him, "Stella Marie, you haven't failed . You are perfectly fine. Lacey and Lily are perfect the way they are. They are alive and safe. There's nothing to worry about anymore."
"It's all my fault. I wasn't strong enough to keep them in me," I sobbed as I leaned into him, still gasping for air.
"Stella, it's not your fault. The doctor says it happens, that twins can be born a month early. You just gave birth a little sooner than expected. You are not to blame for them being premature. The girls were just a little too excited to meet us, that's all," Jack cooed as he rocked me in his arms.
"I'm just so scared for them, Jack," I cried, "I want them home, where they belong. I'm scared that I can't protect them when they're so far away from me."
"Lacey and Lily are safe, Stella. The people in the NICU will protect them for us until we can bring them home," Jack kissed my forehead as I got breathing under control, "I promise you that our twin girls are going to be even more perfect once they can come home. You did so well, Stella. You all lived through it, and I am so proud of you."
10/23/13