A Life of the Plain and the Simple
Seventeen
I was glad that our huge family was excited that both me and Aubree were pregnant. I, myself, am scared shitless. Sure, my mom survived giving birth to us four Gaskarth kids, but I'm afraid I'm not as strong as her. I thought back to the fact I have one grandmother still alive and one grandfather that isn't in jail. I'm scared that I'll be like Grandma Caspin and end up six feet under so my twins can live. I don't want to lose Jack or Izzy, or my twins and my siblings, friends, and people I've worked with in the past.
I saw the back of two little heads and I saw Jack sitting in the loveseat, looking at them. I walked into his view, but he never acknowledged my existence, which was weird. I saw Izzy too, but she looked older, around five or six.
"I miss Mommy, Daddy," Izzy spoke up, tears streaming down her face.
"I miss her too, Izzy," Jack fought tears of his own, "Today would have been Mommy's birthday."
Oh god.
"Jack I'm right here, look at me," I shouted at him.
"I wish Mommy was still awake, Izzy sobbed as she ran into Jack's arms and he held her tightly to him.
My biggest fear just came true in my nightmares.
"Stella, wake up," I shot up, gasping for air. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't focus. My heart pounded in my chest as I felt sweat soak my skin and my entire body began to shake.
"I don't want to die," I gasped as I sobbed.
"You won't die, Stella," Jack took me into his arms, "I'm not going to let that happen. You will be fine. The twins will be fine and we'll be a happy family with a great life and the kids will be amazing."
"I don't want to end up like Grandma Caspin," I sobbed into his chest, "I don't want to abandon you, or Tom, or Daddy, or Mommy, or Izzy."
"Shh," Jack kissed my hair, "You're not going anywhere, Stella."
I was out on the front porch alone with my guitar and a notebook. I needed to write and play so I could forget last night. I was so scared, so terrified, I could barely do anything this morning. I texted Tom to come over and see me when he could, knowing he didn't want to leave Aubree alone at home due to her fragile condition.
"Stell, what's so bad you needed me," Tom asked as he came up to the porch.
"I'm scared and I want my brother," I told him as I started to cry thinking about my nightmare.
"Come here," Tom opened his arms and I ran into them, "Tell me about your nightmare."
"I dreamed that I had died when I had the twins and I watched Jack and Izzy mourn me," I told him, "It felt so real and it killed me inside. I don't want to die. I don't want to repeat what happened to Grandma Caspin."
"Hey, you won't repeat what happened to Grandma Caspin, Stella," Tom looked me dead in the eyes, "She died giving birth to just Mom. Mom survived through giving birth to us, Liam, and Noelle. You are here breathing, three years after you had Isabelle. You are so much stronger than your fear."
"I don't know how to get over this, Tommy," I sobbed into his chest, "I'm scared of everything right now. I don't want to lose everything I know."
"You won't," I looked over Tom's shoulder to see Dad standing there, "Stella, you are so strong, you have no idea. I promise you that Jack, Tom, and I will make sure you have everything you need to have a smooth pregnancy. I am not about to stand by and watch my little girl lose her life for her babies or be eaten up by her fears of dying."
"Daddy," I ran into his arms and he held me tightly, "How can you prevent me from dying?"
"The same way I did it with your mother," he replied, "You have to be relaxed and off your feet as much as possible. You need to get lots of sleep eat healthy."
"I'll be doing all the heavy lifting around the house," Jack joined us on the porch, "I'll handle everything with Izzy and keeping the house clean and cooking food for us. All you have to do is stay off your feet and happy."
"Mommy, have my teddy bear," Izzy handed me her pink bear that Dad had given her what felt like so long ago, "Teddy will keep the bad things away."
"Thank you," I sighed as I kissed my little girl's cheek, "All of you."
I saw the back of two little heads and I saw Jack sitting in the loveseat, looking at them. I walked into his view, but he never acknowledged my existence, which was weird. I saw Izzy too, but she looked older, around five or six.
"I miss Mommy, Daddy," Izzy spoke up, tears streaming down her face.
"I miss her too, Izzy," Jack fought tears of his own, "Today would have been Mommy's birthday."
Oh god.
"Jack I'm right here, look at me," I shouted at him.
"I wish Mommy was still awake, Izzy sobbed as she ran into Jack's arms and he held her tightly to him.
My biggest fear just came true in my nightmares.
"Stella, wake up," I shot up, gasping for air. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't focus. My heart pounded in my chest as I felt sweat soak my skin and my entire body began to shake.
"I don't want to die," I gasped as I sobbed.
"You won't die, Stella," Jack took me into his arms, "I'm not going to let that happen. You will be fine. The twins will be fine and we'll be a happy family with a great life and the kids will be amazing."
"I don't want to end up like Grandma Caspin," I sobbed into his chest, "I don't want to abandon you, or Tom, or Daddy, or Mommy, or Izzy."
"Shh," Jack kissed my hair, "You're not going anywhere, Stella."
I was out on the front porch alone with my guitar and a notebook. I needed to write and play so I could forget last night. I was so scared, so terrified, I could barely do anything this morning. I texted Tom to come over and see me when he could, knowing he didn't want to leave Aubree alone at home due to her fragile condition.
"Stell, what's so bad you needed me," Tom asked as he came up to the porch.
"I'm scared and I want my brother," I told him as I started to cry thinking about my nightmare.
"Come here," Tom opened his arms and I ran into them, "Tell me about your nightmare."
"I dreamed that I had died when I had the twins and I watched Jack and Izzy mourn me," I told him, "It felt so real and it killed me inside. I don't want to die. I don't want to repeat what happened to Grandma Caspin."
"Hey, you won't repeat what happened to Grandma Caspin, Stella," Tom looked me dead in the eyes, "She died giving birth to just Mom. Mom survived through giving birth to us, Liam, and Noelle. You are here breathing, three years after you had Isabelle. You are so much stronger than your fear."
"I don't know how to get over this, Tommy," I sobbed into his chest, "I'm scared of everything right now. I don't want to lose everything I know."
"You won't," I looked over Tom's shoulder to see Dad standing there, "Stella, you are so strong, you have no idea. I promise you that Jack, Tom, and I will make sure you have everything you need to have a smooth pregnancy. I am not about to stand by and watch my little girl lose her life for her babies or be eaten up by her fears of dying."
"Daddy," I ran into his arms and he held me tightly, "How can you prevent me from dying?"
"The same way I did it with your mother," he replied, "You have to be relaxed and off your feet as much as possible. You need to get lots of sleep eat healthy."
"I'll be doing all the heavy lifting around the house," Jack joined us on the porch, "I'll handle everything with Izzy and keeping the house clean and cooking food for us. All you have to do is stay off your feet and happy."
"Mommy, have my teddy bear," Izzy handed me her pink bear that Dad had given her what felt like so long ago, "Teddy will keep the bad things away."
"Thank you," I sighed as I kissed my little girl's cheek, "All of you."
10/23/13