Useless is a Dirty Word

Long ago, I was once a silly fangirl getting to tour with two of the biggest bands in the time frame – All Time Low and Fall Out Boy. I wasn't a singer then... no I was just a silly girl with a small band merching for them. I wanted to be able to say I knew then that my life would be turned upside down and I'd be in Paris right now promoting my first album out but I didn't know then. I was too shy to reach for anything, too shy to even know that I'd end up taking the notice of Alex. Every move he made on me worked because I was too innocent to realize the games he played, the ones that would leave me burned. And the sad part was I knew he wasn't horrible just because he sucked at women – I could see the reason he was a hero to so many a young girl. He knew the right words to say and he was charming and those dumb rabbit teeth were actually cute on him. And gosh, the way he smiled when he was playing... it wasn't hard to be charmed by Alexander Gaskarth. Even his name was charming – like the fairy tale prince come to rescue someone from the dark cold celler.

Problem was... charming didn't exactly mean that he was right for me, for anyone. Not at the time, not when we were so different and neither of us ready to compromise for a relationship. I was only a kid, a stupid seventeen year old with wide eyes and a dream of brighter days. Some things just fall into place and some things just happen, like they were meant to be. Surly, in some odd, alternate timeline... I never met him. I stayed at home and turned down my friends when they asked me to be their merch girl. Or I did and I didn't fall for Alex and went back home when tour was over. I wonder what happened with alternate!me, in all sorts of dimensions. I didn't like to talk about it and I would never openly talk about why I was so eager to leave my conserative home. It was hard to think about and it pained me.

I know that Jessica tried her best to get me to open up every day and the clock was ticking down to the usual time she tried to pry me open. I didn't blame her – she only was trying to show she cared about me. I'm certain the amount of times she tried to get me to talk about the times before I grew up outnumbered the amount of times I actually felt like talking about it. I knew she was my publicist and the only thing she wanted was to make sure that I was okay and no one spread nasty rumors about me but... Jessica had a slight habbit of overreacting when it came to finding out certain things. I'm certain the minute she finds out, she'd think I need therapy when I never really did like the idea of someone analyzing everything I said half to death. Sometimes there aren't hidden meanings... the truth is already in black and white. Yes, I did have things I said that had two meanings but I didn't need a pyschatrist to figure out that my family life was fucked up. Or maybe I was just... handwaving it away because I didn't want to think too much about it.

As if on cue, Jessica came bursting into my hotel room seconds after Alex left me there with her brilliant golden hair piled up into it's usual updo, a severe look on her face. There was something in her eyes that let me know this time, she was pretty serious about getting the scoop. Then again, I couldn't think of one time Jessica didn't have that predatory look whenever she smelled a scandal that she'd work her ass off to cover up. I don't know where I'd be without Jessica at all. “Lucky Stardust Simmons.” Oh no. Full name. This wasn't going to be about my past. She slammed down an envelope and briefly, I wondered where she kept finding these blank, unmarked, yellow envelopes. She must have some sort of deal with Office Depot. “I secured these photos of you with Mr. Gaskarth before they hit the public. I want to know if you want to release them or keep this little rendez-vouz a secret.”

There it was: what I liked best about Jessica MacLaggen. She got ahold of the scandal before it released and she managed to contain situations that would otherwise be awkward. I didn't want to have to explain who Alex was to fans of me who had no idea who All Time Low was and I didn't want future fans to have their experience with me tainted by what they believed to be me messing with their precious lead singer's head. Besides, they had nothing to worry about and I didn't want them to believe they had any reason to worry. I shook my head before mumbling, “Don't let the press see those photos. I'd like to keep my head on, thanks.”

Jessica nodded, tapping away on her phone which I assume had much more signifcance than orginally appears. I wondered briefly what Jessica even did on her phone all day to the point where she once panicked when she had thought she had misplaced it (she insists I refer to it as her misplacing it). “Consider it done. And well,” she said, and already I knew where the next part was heading. One crisis was done and the next one she wanted to know. I wanted to tell Jessica so badly but at the same time – I only ever told Alex. And that blew up in my face. “What exactly happened with your parents? I need to know, Lucky.”

Yes, I should explain about the divorce, the random little marks in my skin that I never did tell was self inflicted or came from someone else... the difference wasn't that big to me, or maybe even tell her about the arguments that left me in my room with my music. Or maybe not. I never did like pity. Talking about those type of things with Jessica was as easy as shoving a hot poker into one's head. I know that makes it sound like I really don't care for her and it's rather unfortunate that I couldn't show my care for Jessica by spilling my guts. “Jess, not this again,” I sighed, shaking my head. “You know that I'm not gonna talk.”

I suppose a good chunk of why I didn't want to open up was because while I knew I needed to talk about it some more and not with some guy who will break my heart in the long run. Never once did giving out the truth end well for me. “Come on, Luck. Aren't we friends,” Jessica asked, her tatic switching to one she had used on me before. Granted, last time it worked because I felt guilty about keeping secrets from Jessica. She was one of the first friends I ever had if I was honest and I was lucky she stuck by me for so long. “Just tell me what happened,” she pressed when I didn't answer her. I shook my head, before realizing I didn't have much of a choice.

“There was a bit of a disagreement between my parents and I when I left. Partially because I was raised in a very strict Mormon househould. They didn't believe that dying my hair would get me into Heaven or that the kind of friends I had were a good influence. You know the clothes I wore at school,” I asked as she nodded. “I had to pay for my own jeans which is kind of why being the merch girl of that band was a good thing. I got enough to get a couple of second hand skinny jeans. Rebelling was sort of... second nature. It all stemmed from wanting to fit in. I wanted control, I wanted to be my own person. So what happened with my family is... we were never close,” I explained, the best I could without spilling everything. I wasn't ready for that.

Notes