One More Hit

There was something nice about dreaming. It was like being sedated. For Alex, he got a chance to see a wonderful movie played out in his head. He had long since fallen in love with Sierra, unable to resist her. The more the dream played out in his head, the more he didn’t want to wake up from the dream. Her pressed up to him, the small smile on her face as his hands tangled into her hair, her soft breathing… all of it fit together perfectly. She was his, she was in his arms, and despite the fact she could do better, he had her. Her arms wrapped around his waist, her fingers hooked in his jeans. He didn’t want to wake up. If he died right now and was stuck in his dream, he’d be the happiest man to ever die.

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end and he distantly heard somewhere on the other side an “Alex”, a voice attempting to rouse him. He turned on his side, ignoring them in hopes of returning to his dream. He could barely grasp at it now, murky and disappearing fast. The voice started to hit clarity as he mumbled, “Go away, Flyzik. I’m dreaming here.”

He swat at the person, hearing a soft giggle… and something hit him in the gut as he realized exactly who was trying to wake him up. He also realized that his hand was down his pants the whole time. It wasn’t unusual for Alex to sleep with his hand down his pants, but it was rather embarrassing to wake up and find Sierra there, watching him sleep in that particular position. He rubbed his eyes with the hand that hadn’t been down his jeans, looking up at Sierra. Part of him wondered if he was still dreaming because she looked every bit as lovely as she did last night in that alleyway. “Sierra. Hi.”

It was hard for him to imagine anyone more beautiful than the girl in front him. He wasn’t a hopeless romantic and he wasn’t a sap… but for this girl, he’d do anything. He knew that when it came to her… there was nothing he wouldn’t do. He’d break his own heart for her. Sierra smiled at him before shaking her head. “Alex… we need to talk about… about what happened last night.”

He turned crimson. His freak out when he realized that all she wanted out of him was casual and fun, not what he had signed up for. Then again, he probably had. Scratch that… he had signed up for it the minute he used a casual fuck pick up line. The type of line that a girl wouldn’t look for in a long term boyfriend and he knew she wasn’t the type to settle down. She was only nineteen. He couldn’t force it out of her and he wouldn’t want to force it out of her. He wanted her to smile and if being free made her smile, then he would give it to her. Even if it hurt like nothing he’d ever known. “Yeah. I was just drunk and being dumb,” he lied easily.

Sierra shook her head, looking up in confusion. She appeared to be thinking about his response and he began to panic. If she knew how he felt… it would be over. They wouldn’t have their fun and he wouldn’t have a moment to just pretend that he had her. “No,” she finally said softly. “You’re always drunk, but you’re never that much of an asshole. What’s really going on?”

The fact she could see through him so easily was another hit to his gut. She was absolutely perfect for him. She was so wonderful and amazing and he would never tire of talking to her. But he was just a fuck toy. A way of getting off. “It wasn’t anything. Just… I was frustrated,” he said with a sigh, ruffling his hair in annoyance. He really didn’t want to have this conversation. Not right now. He needed to side step the conversation. If he fell in love, he’d break what was going on with them. “Look, do you want me to get you off or something?”

Sierra ran a hand through her hair and for the second time since he met her, Alex wished he could read her mind. He wished he could see what was in her mind beyond nebulae and tribal stuff. He wished he knew her like he knew the back of his hand. “I don’t want you to get me off,” she started off, throwing him through a loop. She only came to him when she wanted fun. Because that’s who he was: always ready for a fun time Alex Gaskarth. Nothing more, right? “I want you to tell me what’s wrong. We’re friends… right? That means you can tell me what’s wrong…”

Except he couldn’t. He looked up in confusion, and he tilted his head. He couldn’t tell her that he was madly in love with her. Finally, he decided on spatting out, “If we’re friends, then why keep a friendship a fucking secret?”

Watching her carefully for any sign of anger, he knew he was probably dancing a thin line. “I’m sorry for how I phrased that last night.” She paused and he wondered if he should say something. But he really didn’t have anything to interject… to talk about. What could he say? “I was worried about how it would look… both of us all worn out after being gone for a while,” she said and he couldn’t argue. He was fairly certain Blake would kill him if he knew what he was doing with Sierra. “I’m sorry if I offended you.” She could never offend him.

“Well, to be honest,” he said, unable to stop himself, “I felt like a cheap slut.” Use em and dump em. Wasn’t that his M.O as well? Alex hated himself. He was tired of being the boy that everyone went to for a round of fun. He was tired of being just a fun time to Sierra. He wanted more from her. He couldn’t have more from her.

Her eyebrows had shot up. A third time he wished for the chance to see inside her head and know what she was thinking. It would make this a lot let complicated. “Fuck. Sorry for that,” was all she said as she scratched the back of his head. That answered all his questions, he thought sarcastically to himself.

He sighed, ruffling his hair as he looked up at her. He tried to decipher what her eyes were telling him. The coldness in them was entirely off-putting, especially when he considered how warm the color was. Like they should have warmth that wasn’t there. “I dunno. I kind of feel like a bad joke at this moment,” he said with another sigh, playing with his hair. It might have been an annoyance to his band mates, but he couldn’t stop. “I dunno what I want.”

He knew what he wanted. To not be the fun fuck anymore. He wanted to be the kind of guy that brought her flowers and candy. He wanted to take her on dates and go out to places with her. He wanted to tell everyone she was dating him and he knew exactly what he wanted. He was just too scared to ask for it.

The brunette girl sighed at him, sitting cross legged on the floor. “I’m sorry,” she said, her hazel eyes darting away from him. If only he knew, she thought, about how guilty she felt for doing this to him. She wanted to be what she figured he wanted. Why couldn’t she be what he needed? “But you don’t want what we’ve got going on do you,” she asked with concern in her eyes. It almost killed him to see the concern in her eyes.

He was playing with fire. Sierra Kusterbeck was the flame and he was the moth. She burned so brightly and he couldn’t resist. How could he resist when she was always there? So soft and warm…. “I feel like if I keep going… I’m going to get burned. And yet… I don’t want to stop,” he said as he looked up into her beautiful eyes. They captured him, tugging at his heart. “I can’t stop wanting you.”

“You should figure out a way to stop, then. Cause… you’re definitely gonna be the one to get burned,” she reminded him gently.

Alex knew what was going on. He knew that he had to stop with the nonsense with Sierra. So smart and yet so dumb. “I just don’t want to stop wanting you either,” he spilled out. “I can’t stop with you,” he mumbled with pure honesty, pulling her to him out of pure desperation.

Sierra shook her head, closing her eyes as she ran her hand through her hair. “Alex… please stop. I’ll stop wanting to have sex with you at some point and I don’t want to fuck you over since you won’t stop wanting me,” she said, trying to reason with him.

He needed Sierra like a drug by now. He was an addict and he was slowly realizing it. He was addicted to her like an idiot. He had fallen for the one person who would never want to be with him. “I just need one more hit,” he mumbled before he pressed his lips to hers in a rough kiss. His hands fell down to her hips, pulling her to him. Desperation had taken him by the collar and he couldn’t get away from it.

“Alex, you really shouldn’t,” she muttered, responding to his touch the same as always. He had learned all of her buttons, which ones to push for the responses he wanted. Alex knew exactly where to kiss on her neck to elicit a moan from her, knew the exact spot that would make her back arch without thinking about it. She was fitted exactly to him.

“Shhh,” he said, trying to keep her quiet. “One more,” he begged as he kissed her collarbone softly, nipping at her neck to her gasp. “Just one more night and I swear this’ll stop,” he told her, more to convince himself than her.

“Alex,” she breathed out as her hands went up to his shoulders, his hands sliding up her sides. She almost hated herself for enjoy the placement of his hands, the way he buried his face into her neck… his soft kisses against her skin. “It’s just going to keep going like this,” she got out, gasping as he bit her neck softly. “We need to stop.”

He couldn’t stop. He was an addict with a fresh supply and he needed a hit desperately. “One more night,please,” he begged, almost close to tears as his hands went under her shirt. “One more moment of bliss,” he mumbled as he nuzzled into her neck. He kissed the hallow of her neck, his hands digging into her hips out of need.

She nodded, kissing him lightly as his hands went under her shirt. How could she reject him when he needed it so bad and she needed it so bad as well? They could use each other. One night of pretend. It couldn’t hurt. “This is the last time,” she said firmly, not believing herself. “The absolute last,” she said as she pulled him down to her, eager for whatever they could do in their last moments together.

“I just want one night to pretend,” he mumbled, yanking her shirt off.

Sierra was dazed as he kissed along her collar bone, almost forgetting her own question. “Pretend what,” she asked quietly, not even sure she wanted to hear the answer. She knew she had been doing wrong. She kissed along his jaw, her arms wrapping around him. How many times had he wanted a hug from her and she couldn’t even give him that?

“That you’re mine,” he mumbled as he yanked his shirt off, tossing it aside. His hand tangled into her hair, begging her, “Just one night.” His lips pressed to hers roughly, to the point where her thoughts became a haze. His request wasn’t something she should give him freely.

Indulging him was sure to backfire. It would happen again and again until she couldn’t stop it. The words out of her mouth went against her conscious. ”I’m yours, then,” she said softly as her hands dropped down to undo his pants, kissing him eagerly. It was wrong and Sierra was fully aware of it.

Alex smiled softly as he kissed her back, his hips pressing to hers. His head dropped down to kiss her shoulder softly. There it was - him knowing exactly what to do to get her off. To get her going. “Thank you,” he mumbled as he yanked her pants off, needing his hit of his favorite drug. Needing something to hold onto. Sierra pushed his pants off, keeping him pressed against her. He was what she needed right now and she couldn’t believe she was using one of the nicest guys she had ever known. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered.

“I’d trade anything to keep you here,” he admitted honestly, playing with her hair. She couldn’t say anything to him. She couldn’t lead him on further. Her head ducked down into his neck, wrapping her arms around him. Everything that she had thought was impossible to find was in front of her. Alex had tangled a hand into her hair, mumbling songs into her ear as he pulled her closer to him.

She pressed kisses to his neck softly as he sung into her ear. She wished she could feel the way he felt about her. Then she wouldn’t feel so conflicted about getting into bed with him. Finally, she came to a conclusion that made her feel good about herself - he was simply imagining a different girl there. It still made her sleazy… but it didn’t make her a girl who lead him on. There was no way it could be her, after all. What was there to love about a slut? Alex kissed down her neck as he mumbled nonsensical phrases into her ear. “Alex,” she mumbled, running her hands along his chest. “Thank you.”

“You’re gonna break my heart in the morning,” he told her honestly, unable to hold down now that the walls had been broken down. He kissed her roughly, unable to stop himself from having everything with her. “You could take a man down with a smile and couple of words. Who could resist loving you,” he asked as he pulled her closer. She couldn’t help but smile at his words. No one had treated her like this before. She didn’t even know how she should react, other than shutting her eyes to enjoy the moment. She kissed him softly, running her hands down to his hips with a small smile.

“I.. I love you,” he admitted close to tears, his heart shattering. Her breath caught in her throat, tears forming in her eyes. He held her tight, preventing her from escaping. He buried his face in her neck, unable to look at her as he slammed into her, causing Sierra’s nails to dig into his back as Sierra yelped. He nearly broke down as he moved hard and rough into her, kissing her roughly and repeatedly. He couldn’t help but mumble, “I love you,” over and over again. She shook her head, kissing along his collarbone.

It was hard to picture that she would be here, pretending to be Alex’s for just one night. And she hated herself because she knew she’d do it again in a heartbeat. For just one night… she would be treated right. For just one night, someone loved her the way she wanted to be loved. And when it broke down to it… they were simply using each other for what they needed, for what they wanted. And in all honesty… they wouldn’t have it any other way.

Notes