Four days; that’s how long it took for me to realise that Jack really wasn’t going to come back. In my mind I knew that he wouldn’t, at least not after what I put in my last letter to him, but still there was a part of me in my heart that thought that he’d come back to see me. I guess that I was just grabbing at a loose string of hope. If I were him, I wouldn’t come back either, especially after the way that I had acted in the coffee shop. I didn’t mean to go off on Jack like that, but ever since my Grandma died, it’s been hard for me to get a real grip on my emotions so telling me that everything will get better when I’m still in mourning, that’s not exactly a wise move on his part but I can’t be mad at Jack, or Rian for that matter, not when they’re just showing their concern for me.

Speaking of which, Rian has been knocking on my door every five minutes or so since I got back to make sure that I’m okay, and I want to shout at him to ‘go away’ but I just can’t bring myself to do it, I’m kind of glad that he’s worried about me, even if his worrying isn’t really that necessary. I look towards the clock; three o’clock. I breathe out a heavy sigh and sit up straight on my bed, closing my eyes for a few seconds before telling myself that I need to stop thinking about Jack, that I need to start doing exactly what I said that I would do in the letter; pretend that I’ve never met him in person because it really would be for the best. Jack doesn’t need someone like me to be a burden on his life, especially when he has more important issues to worry about, like not getting killed in the line of duty.

I shake my head at that though and open my eyes. I can’t start thinking about that, not right now in this moment in time. I stand up and pick up my shoes, shoving them hastily onto my feet as I make an important decision. If I was going to get Jack out of my mind, then I needed to get out of the house; I needed some alone time to clear my head and also to get away from Rian’s constant pestering every five minutes. Besides, I had made a promise to someone that I needed to uphold and I sure as hell wasn’t going to break it, not for anyone or anything.

After making sure that my hair was brushed and sprayed into the style that I liked most, I pick up both sets of keys, car and house, from the bedside table and stuff them into my pocket along with my wallet. I open the door to my bedroom and step out into the hallway, taking a moment to look round and to also listen to what’s going on downstairs; I could hear the soft murmuring of the television set with its glow illuminating the dim hallway, it takes me a moment to realise that Rian must be catching up with the collection of television shows that he’s missed, shows that do not interest me in the slightest - it’s all a load of unrealistic crap anyway, I don’t even know why he bothers with it or how he finds it all to be so damn interesting, but it’s Rian and he’s not like me or anyone else, he’s truly one of a kind.

Taking my time, I manage to get to the bottom of the stairs unnoticed but as I turn towards the front door, Rian appears out of nowhere and stands in front of me with his arms folded across his chest and an eyebrow raised high as he looks at me with a questioning gaze before he asks me the question in which I’m not really sure that I have an answer to. “Where do you think you’re going?”

~*~*~*~

After failing to come up with an answer to Rian’s question, he shook his head and took my arm, pulling me into the front room and telling me to sit down on the sofa. That was half an hour ago and I’m still nowhere near being able to answer his question, where was I thinking of going? I have no idea; I just wanted to get out of the house, gather my thoughts together and to just have some ‘me’ time…although Rian knows just as well as anyone that I’m not the kind of person that likes being on their own, but sometimes it’s necessary and I’d just have to get over my fear like everyone else.

Rian steps into the front room after making his third cup of coffee, walking over to me and handing me a bottle of water which I take with a nod, not saying a single word as I take the top off and take a sip. The cool water felt nice as it went down my throat, the liquid keeping my mouth hydrated as I lick my lips.

“Are you going to tell me where you were going now, or not?” Rian asks as he takes a seat beside me, his gaze hard as he puts his coffee down on the table in front of him.

“No…” I start to say but before he can say anything, I decide that it would be better for me to tell him the truth because quite frankly, what have I got to lose? Absolutely nothing, that’s what. “…I’m not going to tell you, as I’m not even sure of where I was going myself. I’m just sick of staring at four walls; I’ll be making myself go crazy if I don’t get out of here for a while.”

“Come on, Alex…Don’t lie to me! You were going to go out and meet him again, weren’t you?!” Rian suddenly lets out with a frustrated sign, his fists clenched as he jumps up from his seat to pace in front of me. “I can’t believe this, after all that you went through the other day; you’re just going back out there to him! What’s wrong with you?!”

“Nothing is wrong with me, Rian! I’ve already told you that I’m not going out to meet up with him so you can just stop your unnecessary worrying right now!” I reply heatedly as I too, stand up from my seat, throwing the now closed water bottle onto my recently occupied seat. ” I thought that you would trust me more than you do now…I guess that I was wrong.”

“Alex…” Rian starts, but I just wave him off with a shake of my head.

I traipse out through the door of the front room and out into the hallway, my heart beating furiously against my chest as I reach up to the hook for my jacket. I didn’t even have to look behind me to know that Rian was standing in the doorway; I could hear his breathing as if it was right beside my ear. “Look, I’m just…I just have something that I have to do, alright?”

“Alex, I’m sorry. I just don’t want to see you get hurt again because you know how much I care about you. It’s been a tough couple of weeks, and I get that you’d want to be on your own for a little while but I can’t help but worry about you…I do trust you but, how do I know that you’re not lying to me?” Rian debates, folding his arms across his chest with a sigh as he leans against the doorframe to the lounge entrance.

“I really appreciate what you’ve been doing for me, and I know that you care about me but I would never lie to you, Ri.” I reply in a small voice, hurt to think that he could even believe that possible of me. “You already know that I told him not to see me again, it was a mistake to even meet him in the first place so why would I ruin that by going to meet him?”

“I know, you’re right…Can you at least tell me where you’re going and what time you’ll be back?” He pleads as he takes a step towards me, unsure about whether or not to put his arms around me. “Please?”

Letting out a sigh, I walk over to Rian and place my arms round his waist, pulling him close to me as I rest my head on his shoulder. I’m not sure how long I’ll be or where I’m going but, I don’t want Rian to worry and panic if I’m not back by dark, so I just take in a breath and embrace him tighter before saying; “I’ll text you when I’m on my way back home, okay? I just need some air to clear my head. You don’t have to worry…I love you, Ri.”

“Okay, just make sure that you don’t forget. I love you more, Lexy…” Rian breaths out as he returns my embrace.

After a few seconds, I break away and give him a small smile before turning towards the front door. I feel bad about leaving Rian on his own but I need to get out of this house. I suppose that it would make sense to start going back onto campus and make a start on some work; it would probably help take my mind off of things but…if I start to compile my English Project together then I won’t be able to stop thinking about Jack and how I handled our first meeting and the letter in which I told Rian to pass over to him if he came back to the house.

As I step out into the light breeze that was dancing through the still streets of Baltimore, I close the front door behind me and let all thoughts of Jack and my English Project leave my mind. That is something that is easier said than done but it doesn’t stop me from thinking about how much easier it would be if I took a stand and dealt with all of my emotions and thoughts head-on at once but when times like these come around…I can’t help but hope that when I wake up in the morning; I wake as a completely different person. It’s a pipe dream, I know that, but it’s a dream nonetheless and it’s what motivates me to get better each and every day. As I make my way to the car and unlock the door, it’s this thought and this thought alone that accompanies me all the way down to the bottom of my drive, where I pull out into the open road, and right down to the end of the street.

~*~*~*~

After driving round the neighbourhood for the past hour and a half, I find myself pulling into a familiar large parking lot. Picking up the bag that I had placed on the passenger seat, I jump out and lock the car door; taking a deep breath and closing my eyes for a mere millisecond before tilting my head back to look up at the building that stood proudly in front of me. Even though I was only here a couple of weeks ago, it feels like it has been forever since I walked through those doors. Steadying my shaking hand, I tighten my grip on the bag handles that I’m currently holding in my left hand and give a little shake of the head before taking a step towards the entrance and into the spacious lobby. Quickly sending a glance at the sign on the left of the reception desk, I swiftly make my way towards the elevators and press the up button before waiting patiently for the cart to arrive.

A second later, the metallic shuddering of the elevator stops and the doors ping open, allowing me to step into the confines of the metal box. I barely touch the floor two button before the doors slowly close and the elevator shudders into life, causing me to steady myself; enclosed spaces like this isn’t exactly on my list of favourite things. The ride only lasted for a minute and the second that the doors were open, I was stepping out into the much more spacious, yet plain, corridor; stopping to think for a quick moment about which direction I should be heading in, before walking down the hallway to the left.

Upon finding the right room, I take a second to peer through the window; to double-check and reassure myself that I am in fact in the right place and not on the wrong side of the department. As my eyes scan the room, a small smile slowly creeps onto my face as I see the lone figure I came to see, sat up in the bed, the rest of the room seemingly empty. Raising my free hand, I lightly knock on the door before pushing it open, waving at the figure as I take a small step into the room.

“Hey, Annabelle…Do you remember me?”

“Alex.” She nods, giving me a smile before lifting her head up from the worn hospital pillow. “You’re the one that gave me the pretty flowers last time.”

“Yeah, that’s right.” I nod in confirmation as I walk over to her a take a seat next to the bed. “I’m sorry that it’s taken me a little longer to come back and see you…I’ve just had a lot of stuff on my mind to deal with…How are you feeling?”

“That’s okay; you don’t have to apologise, you came back…that’s all that I could ask for.” She smiles, her words making my heart melt as she looks at me with her beautiful, young blue eyes and I can’t help but give her one of my own genuine smiles. “I’m feeling a lot better, thank you.”

“I’m really glad to hear that. You should be out of here in no time. Hey, before I forget, I got you a little something…I wasn’t sure what kind of puzzles that you liked to do, or what kind of animals are your favourite, so I erm…I just got you one of everything. I hope that they’re okay.” I say nervously as I pull out a handful of puzzle books, a small pile of colouring books, a couple of stuffed animals, a pack of crayons and a pack of multicolour felt tip pens.

“You didn’t have to do that…Thank you!” Annabelle gasps before holding her arms out towards me, I get up and place the presents on the bed before placing my arms around her, my stomach feeling as light as my heart as I realise that I’ve just made this little girl’s day a little brighter by keeping her company and giving her a few little gifts.

“I wanted to get you something, you told me before that you never get any visitors, so…I just wanted to get you a few things to cheer you up and keep you occupied.” I reply honestly, pulling away from the hug and sitting back in the seat next to the bed.

“You’re the best, and you’re so kind.” Annabelle smiles, lifting a hand up to wipe a stray tear away.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing…it’s just, it’s been a while since someone bought me anything nice. I’ve been in here for as long as I can remember and the only person that I talk to each day is the nurse, an occasional doctor and every few weeks someone from the care home. I guess that it just makes a nice change to talk to someone even nicer than them. Someone who seems to care…” Annabelle whispered the last part and without thinking, I found myself sitting on the edge of her bed and wrapping my arms back around her, letting her tears fall onto my t-shirt as she grips onto me tightly.

“I care a lot, Annabelle and I’m going to come and see you more often, I promise. You don’t have to worry about going back to the care home when you come out of here because I know a couple that is dying to have a kid around the house, they’re good friends of my friend Rian, and they would love you so much…Maybe you can give your care home their number and they can set something up? If you’d like that, of course…” I tell her softly, rocking her gently back and forth.

“You’d really help me get a permanent home?” She asks quietly, the sound of hope in her voice was almost too much for me to bear.

“Of course I would.”

I wasn’t lying to her either. Rian’s friend Danny and his partner Vinny were thinking about getting even more serious in their relationship and adopting a kid before they get a civil partnership; which both Rian and myself are so pleased about, they really are good people and I would like to get to know them more…Maybe Annabelle could be just what Danny and Vinny are looking for and if she moves in with them, then she gets a loving family who would care for her and I’d get to spend some time with all of them, maybe it would even get Rian to lighten up somewhat if he knew that I was going out with other people and not just on my own or being dragged out by him on a Friday night to the grocery store.

“I’ll make a few calls tonight, and see what I can do. I’m not going to let you go back to a care home.” I reassure her as I pull a few tissues out of the box that was placed on the bedside table, and hand them to her as she pulls away and picks up one of the teddies that I bought for her. “You’re doing a really great job at getting better, the medication seems to be doing its job well, maybe I should leave you to rest for a while? I’ll be back very soon though.”

“That would be nice…” Annabelle replies, wiping her nose before pulling the stuffed animals up to her pillow and letting out a small yawn. “…Thank you, Alex.”

“You’re welcome, sweetie. I’ll see you soon.” I whisper, brushing a stray strand of hair out of her face and leaning over to place a soft kiss on her forehead, pulling the hospital sheet up so that she doesn’t get a cold.

The first thing that I’m going to do when I get home is to ask Rian to get Danny and Vinny around to the house, they need to know that there is an adorable little girl out there that needs a loving home, and they’re the ones to give her that. Hopefully, it will also show Rian that I’m doing better myself, that I’ll be fine on my own and that he doesn’t have to stay round mine twenty-four seven, when he has a family and a girlfriend that would like to see him too.

I slowly get off of the bed, trying my hardest not to disturb Annabelle and make my way over to the door, slipping out quickly and quietly; catching the door and shutting it carefully. If anything, this visit to Annabelle has got me thinking about a lot of things, and now it’s time for me to act on them.

~*~*~*~

By the time that I leave the hospital and reach my car that was parked in the large hospital parking lot, I was feeling much better about a lot of things that were going on in my head. Seeing someone like Annabelle, who was so positive and happy despite her condition and situation, really made me think about things more seriously. I always knew that people should start to take risks in their lives, but it’s only now after talking to a freakin’ eight year old that I truly understand what it means.

I have at least three more days left before Jack has to go back into the line of duty, and I’m not going to waste another day by not talking to him. Pulling my phone out of my front pocket, I rummage in my back pack of my jeans for the scrap of paper with his number on that Rian had given me, reading through the number twice I punch in the digits before hitting the call button as soon as the last one was typed. Waiting patiently, I let out a small breath as it starts to ring.

“Jack…It’s Alex. We need to talk.”