Dear Jack,
Five.
Stepping into my Grandma’s house again, was hard I’m not going to lie about that. For the past week, I’ve tried not to go back there, too scared to be left inside on my own all night. I guess that it’s my own fault though, if I had gone straight back to Grandma’s house after I had finished University for the day instead of going to the forest for a few hours with my iPod, then I would have been at home when Grandma called which meant that she wouldn’t have had to have stop off at the supermarket herself, which resulted in her getting attacked by two thugs on the way out to the car with a few bags of groceries.
Since I found out what had happened, I have been spending as much time as I possibly could by her bedside at the hospital, silently praying that she’ll be okay and that the injuries that she had gained weren’t too severe. If it were up to me, I would never leave her side for a single second, but I didn’t want to get on any of the nurses’ and doctor’s bad sides, so like the obedient boy that I am, when they told me to go back home to get some rest, I did but with a lot of reluctance and hesitation, afraid that something might happen to my Grandma if I leave. Stifling a little yawn, I try and tell myself that going back home for a couple hours sleep would be a good idea.
I place a kiss on my Grandma’s forehead and make my way quietly down through the winding white corridors and out through the entrance, the cool air that hit my face felt nice, and it helped me keep awake as I unlocked my car and started the engine. As soon as I was out of the hospital parking lot, the realisation of what had happened; hit me all over again, this time much harder than the last time. This is my entire fault; my Grandma is lying unconscious in a hospital bed because of me and my stupid fear and anxiety. Before I know it, my vision was suddenly clouded with tears, which I shook away as best as I could as I continued to drive back home as carefully and as quickly as I could manage.
The journey from the hospital only took twenty minutes, without traffic of course, with traffic it could easily take forty-five minutes. Pulling up into the driveway, I take a moment to breath and let my body relax, giving myself time to regain my composure before stepping out and locking the car up behind me before making my way slowly up to the front door. Stepping through the front door, I place both my car and house keys down on the telephone table in the hallway, before leaning back against the closed door, sliding down it, whilst placing my head in my hands and letting out a few strained sobs. “I’m so sorry, Grandma. I’m so fucking sorry…”
~*~*~*~
I had only planned on having an hour or two nap before heading out to get something to eat before going back to the hospital, but when I opened my eyes, it was ten o’clock in the morning and the mailman was starting to make his way round the street in which my Grandma and I lived in. Gathering up a clean batch of clothes, including a fresh pair of jeans and one of my favourite checkered shirts that I received for Christmas from my cupboard, I take a step into the bathroom and turn on the shower, letting the water warm up slightly before actually stepping in underneath the rushing water.
Half an hour later, I was freshly showered, fully clothed and picking up both sets of keys along with my wallet from the hallway table, before picking up my hoodie and heading out of the door, collecting the mail from the mailman on my way to the car. As I start the engine, I flick through the few envelopes that had been delivered, a small ghost of a smile forming across my expression as I spot an envelope from Jack. Putting the mail on the passenger seat beside me, I put the car into gear and make my way through the familiar streets of Baltimore towards the nearest flower shop, thinking that it would be nice to purchase my Grandma a bouquet of her most favourite flowers; lily of the valley.
After a quick stop at the flower shop, I was finally making my way to the hospital, an hour later than I had originally planned when I woke up. The streets heading towards the hospital seemed unusually quiet, for a weekday, the streets should be full of people heading to work, or going to school, but instead; nothing. As I continue driving down the street, I shrug off the absence of people on the road and concentrate my thoughts on what I was going to say to my Grandma when she wakes up; sorry just doesn’t seem to be enough, even with the bouquet of her favourite flowers.
Pulling up in the hospital parking lot, I leave the mail on the seat and grab the flowers, straightening out my shirt before locking up and heading towards the entrance, smiling lightly at the nurse who was on the desk and carrying on down the corridor towards the elevator. When the doors pinged open, I was met with the sight of a little girl stepping out, her left hand clutching tightly onto an IV Drip as she takes small, careful steps into the corridor, her pale face looking sad. Watching her take a few more steps down the corridor, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her, she must only have been about eight years old and yet she was stuck in a hospital fighting for every breath that she had. I watch the elevator doors close and take in a deep breath, making up my mind I take a handful of the flowers out of the bouquet and step up beside the girl.
“Hey…what’s your name?” I ask her quietly, kneeling down beside her as she stops to take a breath.
“A-Annabelle…” She says shyly, looking down at her slippered feet, her free hand playing with the hem of her nightgown.
“It’s nice to meet you, Annabelle. I’m Alex.” I introduce myself softly as I watch her curiously, a smile crossing my lips as I strike up a mini conversation with her. “Say, do you like flowers, Annabelle?”
She doesn’t say anything in reply to my question, but she does nods slightly lifting her head up so that her ocean blue eyes were looking straight into my own.
“I do, too. Do you like these flowers? You can have some of them to put in your room if you’d like. Would you like that?”
“Yes, please.” She says quietly, her voice just barely above a whisper so much so that I had to lean forward slightly to hear what she was saying. “I don’t ever get bought pretty flowers.”
“Well, that’s not very good is it?”
“No. I don’t have anyone to bring me flowers.”
“You don’t? Well, we’ll have to change that, won’t we? Would you like me to walk you to your room and put them in a vase for you to look at?” I ask her, giving her a smile as I hold out my hand for her to take a hold of.
“Yes, please.” She replies, a smile appearing on her face as she takes my hand and slowly begins to walk down the corridor, my steps matching hers as she leads me down two more corridors before we reach a door to a room that seemed empty; making me think that we had probably stepped into the wrong room but the name above the bed confirmed that we were in the right place.
I place the flowers down onto the end of the bed before carefully lifting Annabelle up so that she was perched on the edge, her eyes gazing towards the flowers as she lets another smile light up her face. It was sad to know that this little girl didn’t have anyone around to bring her flowers or stuffed animals which made me think of an idea. Walking over to the bedside table, I picked up the empty vase and walked over to the little bathroom that was attached to the room, filling up the vase with water before returning to her side.
“Here, you can have them all.” I say, letting my smile match hers. “I can always get some more. If you’d like, maybe I could come and visit you sometime? Maybe bring you a couple of stuffed animals and colouring books so you have something to do?”
“That would be nice, thank you.” She grins, her pale face taking on a warm glow as she reaches out a hand to stroke one of the petals. “You don’t have to though. I wouldn’t want to be a bother to you.”
“You’re not being a bother to me, Annabelle. Unfortunately, I can’t stay with you any longer today, but I can definitely make some time to come and see you in a couple of days’ time. If you want me to, that is.”
“Of course I do, Alex. You’re the only person who’s even been bothered to visit me. Thank you.” She says, leaning forward and planting a soft kiss against my cheek. “You’re really nice.”
I was speechless as I knelt down in front of her, tears building up in my eyes. I stand up and wrap my arms lightly around her, telling her that I’ll come see her again soon before waving goodbye to her and making my way back down through the corridors until I reached the elevators again, pressing the button and stepping in as the doors opened right away. As the cart began to go up to the top levels, I couldn’t help but feel happy and sad at the same time; I had just made a little girl who didn’t have anyone to visit her, smile by giving her a bouquet of flowers. It was a good feeling to have done what I just did for Annabelle, that it made me feel more confident about seeing my Grandma, knowing that she would be proud of me for making a little girl’s day that much brighter.
The elevator cart reached the level that I needed and as the doors ping open and take a step out into the hospital ward that my Grandma was placed on, I can’t help but notice that the atmosphere around me felt different…aside from the fact that it was quiet, it felt wrong. It seems too empty, too still. Taking a quick look round, I notice that the hallway’s practically deserted; there’s no nurses rushing about, there’s no sound of a telephone ringing, there’s no subtle beep of machines keeping the patients alive…there’s nothing surrounding me that signifies any form of life on this ward, and I don’t like it. It’s not right, especially compared to the lower wards.
Taking another look round, I start to walk slowly towards the room where my Grandma was staying in, glancing quickly into each room as I pass, and making a note that more than half of them were empty. Taking in a deep breath, I quicken my pace and practically run towards my Grandma’s room, stumbling to a stop outside of the door and reaching out for the door handle with a shaking hand, wrenching it open and freezing when I see that it’s empty. Stumbling backwards, I collide accidently with a tall, brunette nurse who I had seen around the past couple of times that I had been here.
“I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to…”
“It’s fine, don’t worry about it. You’re Mr. Gaskarth, correct?” The nurse interrupts me as she looks at me with a sombre expression on her face.
“Y-Yes…” I reply curiously, my breathing starting to become uneven as I watch the nurses expression, waiting for it to change so that it could give me some indication about what’s going on.
Her expression stayed the same though which meant that I had to wait for her to say something. Looking back into the empty room that my Grandma usually stayed in, made a shiver to go down my spine, I couldn’t explain it, but I knew that something was wrong and I didn’t know what. I was about to ask the nurse what was happening, but I couldn’t find the right words to say, luckily I didn’t need to as not even one single second went by before she was explaining everything.
“Mr. Gaskarth, there’s really no easy way for me to tell you this and I’m incredibly sorry that you have to hear this but…at five minutes past five this morning, your Grandmother passed away. She stopped breathing and even with doctors performing life-saving actions, they were unable to revive her.” The nurse spoke softly, her voice seeming comforting to those who were listening, but I wasn’t. To me, her voice sounded thick and far away, her words not making any sense to me. Hearing the dreadful words; ‘I’m sorry’ was like punched hard in the gut. I could feel my heart get pulled vigorously out of my chest, as my vision begins to go cloudy, nausea starting to seep in. “I understand that this must be really hard for you to hear, but when you left last night, she asked us to give this to you when you next came in.”
I look down at the nurses’ hand to see that she’s holding out a plain white envelope to me. I don’t even need to take hold of it to see my Grandma’s cursive handwriting written neatly on the front of it. Reaching out a shaking hand, I nod my thanks before she walks off, leaving me to lean against the wall for support as I slide down to the floor, gripping the envelope tightly to my chest for a few moments, tears sliding down my cheeks as a small sob escapes through my lips; echoing throughout the empty corridor.
Taking in a deep breath to steady myself, I open up the envelope and take out the single piece of paper and unfold it, swiftly wiping away the tears that were streaking down my cheeks. It don’t read the note right away, instead I just sit on the floor, my back leaning up against the wall next to the half open door. I don’t want to believe that my Grandma has passed away, I don’t want to regret not saying goodbye to her or seeing her one last time and telling her that I love her before she went. But I do regret not saying goodbye or telling her that. All I have left of her now is this note which I take a short breath before reading.
Alexander, I just want you to know that you shouldn’t blame yourself for what happened, it is absolutely not your fault; I should have waited for you to get back home. If I should take a turn for the worse, you should probably know that I’m leaving the house and everything that I own to you. I hope that you’ll be able to take good care of it, and if you need anyone to stay with you, then just ask your friend Rian to stay with you; I know how much he means to you, and I truly believe that he’s a good friend to you, so let him help you when you need it. Remember that I love you and always will, my Alexander. Love Grandma Xx
I couldn’t stop the tears from falling this time, I didn’t care that I was sitting on a cold hospital floor and that there was a nurse standing at the very end of the corridor, watching me curiously. Stuffing the note back into the envelope, I push myself up off of the floor and start to run down a couple of corridors, straight past the elevator and towards the stairs, rushing down them as fast as I could; causing a couple of people to move to the side as I reached the last level. I didn’t stop running until I was sat in the driver’s seat of my car, head on the steering wheel as my body shakes with uncontrollable cries.
It takes me a while to calm down enough to start driving again, but the tears are still fresh in my mind as I drive to the nearest liquor store. With every car that past me travelling down the highway, I couldn’t shake the feeling off that they were all judging me, scorning at me for being so fucking pathetic about being afraid of being on my own, and guess what? I’m all alone now; the last living relative that I had and ever cared about had just left me all on my own. Really ironic, isn’t it dickhead? My mind sneers at me as I shake my head, forcing the thoughts out of my mind before they told me to do something stupid that I’d regret as soon as I did it.
~*~*~*~
It didn’t take me long to find what I wanted in the liquor store, I paid for my purchases and headed back home, shoving my key in the lock and slamming the door behind me, ripping the top off of one of the paper bags, I cracked open a bottle of Vodka and started to down it, not bothering to wince as the clear liquid burns at my throat. I realise that it’s stupid to try and drown all of my problems with bottles of vodka, but my mind isn’t in the right place, and all I want to do is try to numb the pain of the past few hours, at least until the sunrises.
It only took an hour and a bottle and a half of Vodka to knock me out, my body falling into a crumpled heap at the bottom of the stairs as my eyes close, letting the darkness consume me for only God knows how long.
~*~*~*~
“Alex! Alex, come on let me in, right now!” My best friend, Rian calls out through the letterbox as his fists pound against the door. “Alex, I mean it!”
The sound of Rian pounding on the door like his life depended on it woke me from my alcoholic coma. My head is pounding and my stomach feels as though someone has stabbed me. But despite my best friend trying to break my door down, I don’t move from my position, I remain completely still whilst lying curled up in a ball on the floor at the bottom of the stairs, trying my hardest not to throw up. My head is feeling extra sensitive, due to the looming hangover, and it causes me to flinch at the loudness of Rian’s voice and the fists that were banging against the solid oak front door of my Grandma’s house.
Even if I had wanted to open the door to let him in, I couldn’t. I hadn’t moved from this position for days, I hadn’t bothered to eat anything; I’ve been drinking bottle after of bottle of Vodka for the past three days, I hadn’t even bothered to drag myself up off of the floor and into the bathroom for a shower. Ever since I got back from the hospital, I hadn’t been able to force myself to do anything. There just seemed no point in doing any of that stuff, I was right where I didn’t want to be; alone. The only thing that was keeping me occupied was drinking.
“Alex…I’m serious, open this door right now! Don’t make me kick it down!” Rian yells as he pounds on the door again. “Alex! I’m giving you three seconds to open this damn door! Three…Two…One! Alright, you’ve asked for it!”
A moment’s silence passes before Rian throws himself at the door, causing splinters of wood to flying in all directions as the door burst open from its lock, a few stray pieces catching my skin causing a small whimper to escape through my chapped and dry lips. The shock and pain only lasts for a few seconds, but it’s enough to bring me out of the numb trance that I managed to put myself in when I came home from the hospital a week ago.
The bright sunlight that was shining in through the door, was too much to look at, clamping my bloodshot eyes shut, I force out the strong sunlight. Rian was standing in the doorframe, taking in the sight in front of him with a horrified expression on his face before rushing over to me, kicking aside empty Vodka bottles before kneeling down and wrapping his muscular arms around me, pulling me closer towards his chest.
“What are you doing to yourself, Lexi…” Rian murmurs as he takes in the Vodka bottles, resting his head on top of my own. Lying like this with Rian’s arms wrapped round me, felt nice; it made me feel safe, but I couldn’t help but let out a choked sob as the tears start to fall again.
“Shhh, it’s okay…You’re okay…” Rian cooed his voice gentle as he held onto me, rocking me slightly as he stroked my hair gently just like the way that my Grandma used to when I had fallen and hurt myself. Just the thought of my Grandma, made me sob harder into Rian’s chest. “Shhh, it’s okay…”
~*~*~*~
When I next open my eyes, I’m in my own room with a blanket on top of me. The door was closed over, but the light was on in the hallway and if I listened carefully, I could just make out the faint sound of the television downstairs which probably meant that Rian was still here. I must have cried myself to sleep whilst he was holding onto me downstairs and carried me up to bed, he could of went straight home but I’m glad that he didn’t. As much as I hate to admit it, I need him so fucking much right now.
Throwing the blanket to one side, I get up out of bed, clutching onto the edge as I steady myself, my head pounding with every movement and walk slowly over to my desk where Rian had placed my mail; he probably saw it in my car and decided to bring it in for me. A couple of the envelopes were bills which I really couldn’t care less about at this moment in time so I push them aside and focus on the letter from Jack. It seems weird for me to be writing to him so soon after I had lost my Grandma, but I needed a different form of distraction to help get me through, and this is one of them. Quickly scanning through his letter, I open up my notebook and pick out a pen from the drawer and start to scrawl a reply.
Dear Jack,
I’m sorry that it’s taken me so long to write to you but it seems that both of us are having troubling weeks, although I’m not going to lie, yours is a lot more concerning than my own. I really do hope that you’re safe where you are and unharmed too. This may sound weird considering that we don’t really know each other that well, but I really don’t want anything bad to happen to you…or to any of your troop.
When I was growing up, my Grandma always used to tell me that story of how she met my Grandpa all those years ago, it’s a story that I can listen to over and over again without getting bored of it. My Grandma even told it to me when I first moved over to Baltimore, I was scared about starting a new life in a different country and was scared that I wouldn’t fit in, so if I was having a bad day, she would tell it to me again and I’d calm down enough to tell her that that’s how I wanted to meet my other half; in the form of letter exchanges. I’m glad to hear that everyone got out of the attack unharmed. You have to promise me that you’ll stay safe!
Of course I’m intrigued by you and I definitely don’t think that you’re uninteresting at all. You’re someone who’s doing something different yet brave for your country, not a lot of people would do that. I know that I most likely wouldn’t do something like that…though that might just be me. I feel the same about receiving your letters too.
Are you kidding me, eighteen? That’s crazy. It’s just wrong that kids that young to be signing up for a career that would put your life in danger, it seems almost suicidal. How long after you graduated that you signed up for the army? That must have been a really big change to get used to. Especially coming from a music degree. Music is a huge part of my life too.
Different experiences make a person its true but it doesn’t mean that they’re any less complicated as a person. There’s a lot that you don’t know about me, about my past and what I went through in England, half of it is too painful for me to even think about, but…I survived it. It didn’t seem like I would of at times, but I did and I just have to keep believing, or at least try to believe, that I can get through anything that comes my way. I want to believe that imperfection in a person makes them perfect to the one who sees them, but it just sounds like a fairytale, it’s not real. At least, that’s my opinion on the matter. If you believe it, then that’s good, everyone should believe in something, but that’s not it for me.
Home Alone, I agree, is a good film, though I haven’t watched it nearly as many times as you. As for the Siblings question…I’m not really sure how to answer that…I used to have a brother but unfortunately he passed away. It’s not something that I like to talk about, I guess you could say that it’s part of my past that’s too painful to talk about. Maybe sometime in the future, but certainly not now. I’m sorry.
Meeting you in person would be good, if you’re unsure about when you’re going to be home, you can just drop by the address in which you send the letters to me and find me there. It would be nice to see who Jack Barakat is in person. Hopefully you get this letter before you head back home. I look forward to hearing back from you, and hopefully, to seeing you in person. Take care out there, okay?
- Alex
Since I found out what had happened, I have been spending as much time as I possibly could by her bedside at the hospital, silently praying that she’ll be okay and that the injuries that she had gained weren’t too severe. If it were up to me, I would never leave her side for a single second, but I didn’t want to get on any of the nurses’ and doctor’s bad sides, so like the obedient boy that I am, when they told me to go back home to get some rest, I did but with a lot of reluctance and hesitation, afraid that something might happen to my Grandma if I leave. Stifling a little yawn, I try and tell myself that going back home for a couple hours sleep would be a good idea.
I place a kiss on my Grandma’s forehead and make my way quietly down through the winding white corridors and out through the entrance, the cool air that hit my face felt nice, and it helped me keep awake as I unlocked my car and started the engine. As soon as I was out of the hospital parking lot, the realisation of what had happened; hit me all over again, this time much harder than the last time. This is my entire fault; my Grandma is lying unconscious in a hospital bed because of me and my stupid fear and anxiety. Before I know it, my vision was suddenly clouded with tears, which I shook away as best as I could as I continued to drive back home as carefully and as quickly as I could manage.
The journey from the hospital only took twenty minutes, without traffic of course, with traffic it could easily take forty-five minutes. Pulling up into the driveway, I take a moment to breath and let my body relax, giving myself time to regain my composure before stepping out and locking the car up behind me before making my way slowly up to the front door. Stepping through the front door, I place both my car and house keys down on the telephone table in the hallway, before leaning back against the closed door, sliding down it, whilst placing my head in my hands and letting out a few strained sobs. “I’m so sorry, Grandma. I’m so fucking sorry…”
~*~*~*~
I had only planned on having an hour or two nap before heading out to get something to eat before going back to the hospital, but when I opened my eyes, it was ten o’clock in the morning and the mailman was starting to make his way round the street in which my Grandma and I lived in. Gathering up a clean batch of clothes, including a fresh pair of jeans and one of my favourite checkered shirts that I received for Christmas from my cupboard, I take a step into the bathroom and turn on the shower, letting the water warm up slightly before actually stepping in underneath the rushing water.
Half an hour later, I was freshly showered, fully clothed and picking up both sets of keys along with my wallet from the hallway table, before picking up my hoodie and heading out of the door, collecting the mail from the mailman on my way to the car. As I start the engine, I flick through the few envelopes that had been delivered, a small ghost of a smile forming across my expression as I spot an envelope from Jack. Putting the mail on the passenger seat beside me, I put the car into gear and make my way through the familiar streets of Baltimore towards the nearest flower shop, thinking that it would be nice to purchase my Grandma a bouquet of her most favourite flowers; lily of the valley.
After a quick stop at the flower shop, I was finally making my way to the hospital, an hour later than I had originally planned when I woke up. The streets heading towards the hospital seemed unusually quiet, for a weekday, the streets should be full of people heading to work, or going to school, but instead; nothing. As I continue driving down the street, I shrug off the absence of people on the road and concentrate my thoughts on what I was going to say to my Grandma when she wakes up; sorry just doesn’t seem to be enough, even with the bouquet of her favourite flowers.
Pulling up in the hospital parking lot, I leave the mail on the seat and grab the flowers, straightening out my shirt before locking up and heading towards the entrance, smiling lightly at the nurse who was on the desk and carrying on down the corridor towards the elevator. When the doors pinged open, I was met with the sight of a little girl stepping out, her left hand clutching tightly onto an IV Drip as she takes small, careful steps into the corridor, her pale face looking sad. Watching her take a few more steps down the corridor, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her, she must only have been about eight years old and yet she was stuck in a hospital fighting for every breath that she had. I watch the elevator doors close and take in a deep breath, making up my mind I take a handful of the flowers out of the bouquet and step up beside the girl.
“Hey…what’s your name?” I ask her quietly, kneeling down beside her as she stops to take a breath.
“A-Annabelle…” She says shyly, looking down at her slippered feet, her free hand playing with the hem of her nightgown.
“It’s nice to meet you, Annabelle. I’m Alex.” I introduce myself softly as I watch her curiously, a smile crossing my lips as I strike up a mini conversation with her. “Say, do you like flowers, Annabelle?”
She doesn’t say anything in reply to my question, but she does nods slightly lifting her head up so that her ocean blue eyes were looking straight into my own.
“I do, too. Do you like these flowers? You can have some of them to put in your room if you’d like. Would you like that?”
“Yes, please.” She says quietly, her voice just barely above a whisper so much so that I had to lean forward slightly to hear what she was saying. “I don’t ever get bought pretty flowers.”
“Well, that’s not very good is it?”
“No. I don’t have anyone to bring me flowers.”
“You don’t? Well, we’ll have to change that, won’t we? Would you like me to walk you to your room and put them in a vase for you to look at?” I ask her, giving her a smile as I hold out my hand for her to take a hold of.
“Yes, please.” She replies, a smile appearing on her face as she takes my hand and slowly begins to walk down the corridor, my steps matching hers as she leads me down two more corridors before we reach a door to a room that seemed empty; making me think that we had probably stepped into the wrong room but the name above the bed confirmed that we were in the right place.
I place the flowers down onto the end of the bed before carefully lifting Annabelle up so that she was perched on the edge, her eyes gazing towards the flowers as she lets another smile light up her face. It was sad to know that this little girl didn’t have anyone around to bring her flowers or stuffed animals which made me think of an idea. Walking over to the bedside table, I picked up the empty vase and walked over to the little bathroom that was attached to the room, filling up the vase with water before returning to her side.
“Here, you can have them all.” I say, letting my smile match hers. “I can always get some more. If you’d like, maybe I could come and visit you sometime? Maybe bring you a couple of stuffed animals and colouring books so you have something to do?”
“That would be nice, thank you.” She grins, her pale face taking on a warm glow as she reaches out a hand to stroke one of the petals. “You don’t have to though. I wouldn’t want to be a bother to you.”
“You’re not being a bother to me, Annabelle. Unfortunately, I can’t stay with you any longer today, but I can definitely make some time to come and see you in a couple of days’ time. If you want me to, that is.”
“Of course I do, Alex. You’re the only person who’s even been bothered to visit me. Thank you.” She says, leaning forward and planting a soft kiss against my cheek. “You’re really nice.”
I was speechless as I knelt down in front of her, tears building up in my eyes. I stand up and wrap my arms lightly around her, telling her that I’ll come see her again soon before waving goodbye to her and making my way back down through the corridors until I reached the elevators again, pressing the button and stepping in as the doors opened right away. As the cart began to go up to the top levels, I couldn’t help but feel happy and sad at the same time; I had just made a little girl who didn’t have anyone to visit her, smile by giving her a bouquet of flowers. It was a good feeling to have done what I just did for Annabelle, that it made me feel more confident about seeing my Grandma, knowing that she would be proud of me for making a little girl’s day that much brighter.
The elevator cart reached the level that I needed and as the doors ping open and take a step out into the hospital ward that my Grandma was placed on, I can’t help but notice that the atmosphere around me felt different…aside from the fact that it was quiet, it felt wrong. It seems too empty, too still. Taking a quick look round, I notice that the hallway’s practically deserted; there’s no nurses rushing about, there’s no sound of a telephone ringing, there’s no subtle beep of machines keeping the patients alive…there’s nothing surrounding me that signifies any form of life on this ward, and I don’t like it. It’s not right, especially compared to the lower wards.
Taking another look round, I start to walk slowly towards the room where my Grandma was staying in, glancing quickly into each room as I pass, and making a note that more than half of them were empty. Taking in a deep breath, I quicken my pace and practically run towards my Grandma’s room, stumbling to a stop outside of the door and reaching out for the door handle with a shaking hand, wrenching it open and freezing when I see that it’s empty. Stumbling backwards, I collide accidently with a tall, brunette nurse who I had seen around the past couple of times that I had been here.
“I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to…”
“It’s fine, don’t worry about it. You’re Mr. Gaskarth, correct?” The nurse interrupts me as she looks at me with a sombre expression on her face.
“Y-Yes…” I reply curiously, my breathing starting to become uneven as I watch the nurses expression, waiting for it to change so that it could give me some indication about what’s going on.
Her expression stayed the same though which meant that I had to wait for her to say something. Looking back into the empty room that my Grandma usually stayed in, made a shiver to go down my spine, I couldn’t explain it, but I knew that something was wrong and I didn’t know what. I was about to ask the nurse what was happening, but I couldn’t find the right words to say, luckily I didn’t need to as not even one single second went by before she was explaining everything.
“Mr. Gaskarth, there’s really no easy way for me to tell you this and I’m incredibly sorry that you have to hear this but…at five minutes past five this morning, your Grandmother passed away. She stopped breathing and even with doctors performing life-saving actions, they were unable to revive her.” The nurse spoke softly, her voice seeming comforting to those who were listening, but I wasn’t. To me, her voice sounded thick and far away, her words not making any sense to me. Hearing the dreadful words; ‘I’m sorry’ was like punched hard in the gut. I could feel my heart get pulled vigorously out of my chest, as my vision begins to go cloudy, nausea starting to seep in. “I understand that this must be really hard for you to hear, but when you left last night, she asked us to give this to you when you next came in.”
I look down at the nurses’ hand to see that she’s holding out a plain white envelope to me. I don’t even need to take hold of it to see my Grandma’s cursive handwriting written neatly on the front of it. Reaching out a shaking hand, I nod my thanks before she walks off, leaving me to lean against the wall for support as I slide down to the floor, gripping the envelope tightly to my chest for a few moments, tears sliding down my cheeks as a small sob escapes through my lips; echoing throughout the empty corridor.
Taking in a deep breath to steady myself, I open up the envelope and take out the single piece of paper and unfold it, swiftly wiping away the tears that were streaking down my cheeks. It don’t read the note right away, instead I just sit on the floor, my back leaning up against the wall next to the half open door. I don’t want to believe that my Grandma has passed away, I don’t want to regret not saying goodbye to her or seeing her one last time and telling her that I love her before she went. But I do regret not saying goodbye or telling her that. All I have left of her now is this note which I take a short breath before reading.
Alexander, I just want you to know that you shouldn’t blame yourself for what happened, it is absolutely not your fault; I should have waited for you to get back home. If I should take a turn for the worse, you should probably know that I’m leaving the house and everything that I own to you. I hope that you’ll be able to take good care of it, and if you need anyone to stay with you, then just ask your friend Rian to stay with you; I know how much he means to you, and I truly believe that he’s a good friend to you, so let him help you when you need it. Remember that I love you and always will, my Alexander. Love Grandma Xx
I couldn’t stop the tears from falling this time, I didn’t care that I was sitting on a cold hospital floor and that there was a nurse standing at the very end of the corridor, watching me curiously. Stuffing the note back into the envelope, I push myself up off of the floor and start to run down a couple of corridors, straight past the elevator and towards the stairs, rushing down them as fast as I could; causing a couple of people to move to the side as I reached the last level. I didn’t stop running until I was sat in the driver’s seat of my car, head on the steering wheel as my body shakes with uncontrollable cries.
It takes me a while to calm down enough to start driving again, but the tears are still fresh in my mind as I drive to the nearest liquor store. With every car that past me travelling down the highway, I couldn’t shake the feeling off that they were all judging me, scorning at me for being so fucking pathetic about being afraid of being on my own, and guess what? I’m all alone now; the last living relative that I had and ever cared about had just left me all on my own. Really ironic, isn’t it dickhead? My mind sneers at me as I shake my head, forcing the thoughts out of my mind before they told me to do something stupid that I’d regret as soon as I did it.
~*~*~*~
It didn’t take me long to find what I wanted in the liquor store, I paid for my purchases and headed back home, shoving my key in the lock and slamming the door behind me, ripping the top off of one of the paper bags, I cracked open a bottle of Vodka and started to down it, not bothering to wince as the clear liquid burns at my throat. I realise that it’s stupid to try and drown all of my problems with bottles of vodka, but my mind isn’t in the right place, and all I want to do is try to numb the pain of the past few hours, at least until the sunrises.
It only took an hour and a bottle and a half of Vodka to knock me out, my body falling into a crumpled heap at the bottom of the stairs as my eyes close, letting the darkness consume me for only God knows how long.
~*~*~*~
“Alex! Alex, come on let me in, right now!” My best friend, Rian calls out through the letterbox as his fists pound against the door. “Alex, I mean it!”
The sound of Rian pounding on the door like his life depended on it woke me from my alcoholic coma. My head is pounding and my stomach feels as though someone has stabbed me. But despite my best friend trying to break my door down, I don’t move from my position, I remain completely still whilst lying curled up in a ball on the floor at the bottom of the stairs, trying my hardest not to throw up. My head is feeling extra sensitive, due to the looming hangover, and it causes me to flinch at the loudness of Rian’s voice and the fists that were banging against the solid oak front door of my Grandma’s house.
Even if I had wanted to open the door to let him in, I couldn’t. I hadn’t moved from this position for days, I hadn’t bothered to eat anything; I’ve been drinking bottle after of bottle of Vodka for the past three days, I hadn’t even bothered to drag myself up off of the floor and into the bathroom for a shower. Ever since I got back from the hospital, I hadn’t been able to force myself to do anything. There just seemed no point in doing any of that stuff, I was right where I didn’t want to be; alone. The only thing that was keeping me occupied was drinking.
“Alex…I’m serious, open this door right now! Don’t make me kick it down!” Rian yells as he pounds on the door again. “Alex! I’m giving you three seconds to open this damn door! Three…Two…One! Alright, you’ve asked for it!”
A moment’s silence passes before Rian throws himself at the door, causing splinters of wood to flying in all directions as the door burst open from its lock, a few stray pieces catching my skin causing a small whimper to escape through my chapped and dry lips. The shock and pain only lasts for a few seconds, but it’s enough to bring me out of the numb trance that I managed to put myself in when I came home from the hospital a week ago.
The bright sunlight that was shining in through the door, was too much to look at, clamping my bloodshot eyes shut, I force out the strong sunlight. Rian was standing in the doorframe, taking in the sight in front of him with a horrified expression on his face before rushing over to me, kicking aside empty Vodka bottles before kneeling down and wrapping his muscular arms around me, pulling me closer towards his chest.
“What are you doing to yourself, Lexi…” Rian murmurs as he takes in the Vodka bottles, resting his head on top of my own. Lying like this with Rian’s arms wrapped round me, felt nice; it made me feel safe, but I couldn’t help but let out a choked sob as the tears start to fall again.
“Shhh, it’s okay…You’re okay…” Rian cooed his voice gentle as he held onto me, rocking me slightly as he stroked my hair gently just like the way that my Grandma used to when I had fallen and hurt myself. Just the thought of my Grandma, made me sob harder into Rian’s chest. “Shhh, it’s okay…”
~*~*~*~
When I next open my eyes, I’m in my own room with a blanket on top of me. The door was closed over, but the light was on in the hallway and if I listened carefully, I could just make out the faint sound of the television downstairs which probably meant that Rian was still here. I must have cried myself to sleep whilst he was holding onto me downstairs and carried me up to bed, he could of went straight home but I’m glad that he didn’t. As much as I hate to admit it, I need him so fucking much right now.
Throwing the blanket to one side, I get up out of bed, clutching onto the edge as I steady myself, my head pounding with every movement and walk slowly over to my desk where Rian had placed my mail; he probably saw it in my car and decided to bring it in for me. A couple of the envelopes were bills which I really couldn’t care less about at this moment in time so I push them aside and focus on the letter from Jack. It seems weird for me to be writing to him so soon after I had lost my Grandma, but I needed a different form of distraction to help get me through, and this is one of them. Quickly scanning through his letter, I open up my notebook and pick out a pen from the drawer and start to scrawl a reply.
Dear Jack,
I’m sorry that it’s taken me so long to write to you but it seems that both of us are having troubling weeks, although I’m not going to lie, yours is a lot more concerning than my own. I really do hope that you’re safe where you are and unharmed too. This may sound weird considering that we don’t really know each other that well, but I really don’t want anything bad to happen to you…or to any of your troop.
When I was growing up, my Grandma always used to tell me that story of how she met my Grandpa all those years ago, it’s a story that I can listen to over and over again without getting bored of it. My Grandma even told it to me when I first moved over to Baltimore, I was scared about starting a new life in a different country and was scared that I wouldn’t fit in, so if I was having a bad day, she would tell it to me again and I’d calm down enough to tell her that that’s how I wanted to meet my other half; in the form of letter exchanges. I’m glad to hear that everyone got out of the attack unharmed. You have to promise me that you’ll stay safe!
Of course I’m intrigued by you and I definitely don’t think that you’re uninteresting at all. You’re someone who’s doing something different yet brave for your country, not a lot of people would do that. I know that I most likely wouldn’t do something like that…though that might just be me. I feel the same about receiving your letters too.
Are you kidding me, eighteen? That’s crazy. It’s just wrong that kids that young to be signing up for a career that would put your life in danger, it seems almost suicidal. How long after you graduated that you signed up for the army? That must have been a really big change to get used to. Especially coming from a music degree. Music is a huge part of my life too.
Different experiences make a person its true but it doesn’t mean that they’re any less complicated as a person. There’s a lot that you don’t know about me, about my past and what I went through in England, half of it is too painful for me to even think about, but…I survived it. It didn’t seem like I would of at times, but I did and I just have to keep believing, or at least try to believe, that I can get through anything that comes my way. I want to believe that imperfection in a person makes them perfect to the one who sees them, but it just sounds like a fairytale, it’s not real. At least, that’s my opinion on the matter. If you believe it, then that’s good, everyone should believe in something, but that’s not it for me.
Home Alone, I agree, is a good film, though I haven’t watched it nearly as many times as you. As for the Siblings question…I’m not really sure how to answer that…I used to have a brother but unfortunately he passed away. It’s not something that I like to talk about, I guess you could say that it’s part of my past that’s too painful to talk about. Maybe sometime in the future, but certainly not now. I’m sorry.
Meeting you in person would be good, if you’re unsure about when you’re going to be home, you can just drop by the address in which you send the letters to me and find me there. It would be nice to see who Jack Barakat is in person. Hopefully you get this letter before you head back home. I look forward to hearing back from you, and hopefully, to seeing you in person. Take care out there, okay?
- Alex
*This is the account to follow for new updates!*
4/27/15