Anastasia sat in her bayside window, just staring out into the night, staring at the house kitty corner to hers a light emitting from the room at the front of the house. Alex’s light emitted brightly in the night but no shadows moved through his room. Wondering where Alex had gotten off to, Anastasia looked for his car, which still sat in the driveway. Anastasia sighed and looked back into her own bedroom, the sound of her music filling her ears. Anastasia got up off of her seat and went over to her dresser, her eyes lingered on a picture that she finally had the courage to put up, a picture of Jake and her at the beach. Anastasia shook her head and opened up her dresser to grab a pair of black shorts and then a white tank top. Anastasia changed out of her jeans and blouse, into her short shorts and the tank top she had gotten out of her dresser.

Anastasia laid down on her bed with her ankles crossed, a book in her hand and her head propped up on the cushioned head board. A small tap came on her window, causing her to look up at her balcony; there Alex stood with a small smile on his face, a small smile crept onto her face and Anastasia waved him in and set her book down. Alex frowned overdramatically when he couldn’t open her door. Anastasia laughed and got off her bed to unlock and open her balcony door. Alex wrapped his arms around her and lifted her off of the ground, “you saved my life. It’s fucking freezing out, I’m forever in your debt.”

“Shut up,” Anastasia rolled her eyes, laughing at him. Alex set her down on the ground and closed the door to her balcony, “so what are you doing here?” Anastasia walked back over to her bed and laid back down, in her previous position without a book in hand. Alex laid down next to her, they weren’t touching but they were close enough to feel each other’s body heat.

“I was bored,” Alex replied, glancing around her room. Alex eyes stopped on a picture he hadn’t seen before, and he had been in her room plenty of times since they became friends. Alex didn’t recognize the boy in the picture and she never talked about a boy from back in California so his interest peaked. “Who are you with in that picture?” Alex asked.

Anastasia froze, it was an innocent question and he had every right to ask her about the boy in the picture but she didn’t want to answer. Anastasia knew she would tell him in time but she didn’t know if she wanted to talk about Jake out loud when she could barely think about him without bringing tears to eyes. “Jake,” Anastasia whispered. Alex glanced at Anastasia, her eyes were staring at her fingers that played with the hem of her shirt. “I don’t like talking about him.” Anastasia’s eyes glossed over and Alex was quick to wrap his arms around her.

Alex always knew Anastasia was broken but he never knew over what, but now he knew that it had something to do with some guy named ‘Jake’. “Is he the one that wrote all of those little notes in your books?” Alex asked her gently. Anastasia only nodded, burying her face deeper into the crook of Alex’s neck, “will you tell me what happened?”

“I want to,” Anastasia murmured, “but I don’t know if I can.” Alex kissed her hair softly before running his hand over the back of her head. Anastasia seemed so broken and he knew that she hid behind walls and behind her books to shield herself from the hurt, to hide from the truth.

“Honey, you can’t keep running from what happened,” Alex whispered. Anastasia pulled herself away from Alex and looked up at him through her eyelashes, “you can trust me.”

“I’ll tell you about Jake, but he’s not the whole story,” Anastasia kept her voice low. Alex let his hands travel to hers, urging her to talk to him, “I met Jake when I was three years old and we became best friends. When I was thirteen my family went through a horrible event and Jake helped me find my sense of adventure again. I always loved learning new things and Jake always made sure I was safe and protected. I fell in love with him at some point but I never admitted it to him because I didn’t realize it until it was too late. We were supposed to go surfing, well I was supposed to go surfing and he was going to watch. He always promised me he’d be around, but he broke that promise the night before we were supposed to go to the beach. Jake planned everything out and it wasn’t until after he-he-took his own life that I found those notes. The minute I read the note in A Farewell to Arms, I knew I was the reason he-he-” Anastasia took a breath and looked up at Alex, tears rolling down her face. She brought a hand up to her face to wipe away the tears, “if only I realized that I had been in love with him, he’d still be around.”

Alex wrapped his arms around the sobbing girl and pulled her to his chest, he wasn’t expecting that. However, Alex could see that was only one layer and he had barely scratched the surface; Alex could tell that Anastasia still had a lot of skeletons but you have to read a book one page at a time. He knew he would find out what happened to this girl to lose her sense of adventure, to lose herself, but he also knew he wanted to be with her every step of her way to find herself again. Alex didn’t say anything to her and kept her wrapped up in a tight hug. “You’re going to be okay,” Alex whispered into her ear. Anastasia continued to sob into Alex’s chest, never wanting to be let go, “it’s going to be okay, love.”

“How do you know?” Anastasia asked him, her head still against his chest.

“Because, I lost my brother last year,” Alex told her, “and I had to see a therapist.” Anastasia looked up at Alex; Alex gave her a small smile and wiped her tears with his thumbs. “I can tell you with confidence that it wasn’t your fault.”

“How can you be so sure?” Anastasia asked.

“Because, it’s never some person’s fault,” Alex replied, “it’s always the person who pulls the trigger. You can’t control other people’s actions, Ana, only your own.” Alex ran the back of his hand lightly over her cheek. Anastasia didn’t know if she believed him but she didn’t say anything to him and laid her head back on his chest.

“What happened to your brother?” Anastasia asked. Anastasia felt like Alex should divulge information to her, but at the same time she knew how hard it was to tell people about things like that.

“He overdosed on his anxiety medicine,” Alex answered. “They say suicide victims leave notes, but my brother never left one. We don’t know why he did it, but I don’t think it was on purpose; he was a drug addict.” Alex confided, he had never told anyone that his brother was a drug addict, “I thought it was my fault for a while. My parents were always coming to my shows and doing everything they could to help me with my dream. I thought they didn’t pay attention to him but then I found out that my parents had tried, but he fell into the wrong crowd. I loved my brother but I was angry with him, I needed my big brother. Even though he was into drugs he always came to my shows and he made a point to not let me fall into his crowd; he didn’t want me in that life. He kicked my ass when he found out I started smoking weed.” Anastasia laughed a little. “Don’t get me wrong, I was upset but then I got angry and finally I started to become normal again but it took me a while.”

Anastasia and Alex stayed silent for while, taking in each other’s presence. Anastasia sat up a little and laid down with her head on her pillow; Alex watched her close her eyes and nestle deep into her pillows. Alex went to get up but Anastasia wrapped her fingers around his wrist, “stay with me.” Alex obliged and laid down with his next to hers; she cuddled into his body, letting his body heat keep her warm. “Are you going to leave me?”

“Never.”

Notes

enjoy <3