Secrets and Lies
Chapter Seven
-Alex POV-
Why was I choosing to not push him away? Why was I letting him carry on? I wasn't kissing him back though, so it was really one sided. He pulled back, giving up with his efforts. I just stared at him, dumbstruck. What. The. Fuck.
I stood up brashly and walked into the bathroom, avoiding eye contact and conversation with Jack. I walked into a few walls on the way, stumbling and cursing to myself, I finally found it and walked over to the sink and ran the cold water, splashing my face. I looked up at the mirror, focusing on my reflection.
This was freaking me out a little too much, I was panicking. Flashbacks of school racing through my mind, the bullying, the beatings, the names, and the way it made me feel. I winced at the thought of it, taking off my wristbands, trailing my fingertips over the feint white lines, inhaling sharply and squeezing my eyes shut. This couldn't be happening could it, surely not? I'd spent the past 10 years locking this all up, and it's just come back now, all because Jack fucking Barakat couldn't control himself. I couldn't help but question myself....coming out as liking guys was never, and won't ever be an option. It's wrong. My dad had repeatedly put that into my head after my friend Zack had told the whole school about his preference in gender. My dad stopped me from seeing him, hurt me for even knowing him, and that fucking sucked.
No. I couldn't tell anyone, ever. I looked back down at my wrists, remembering how hard I tried to hide myself away from the world. My eyes darted to the bathroom cabinet and I opened the little doors, revealing an array of body washes, shampoos and moisturizers, and right in the front...a razor. I reached to it slowly, it was just a disposable one, but they were the best in my opinion, I started to sweat, my palms becoming clammy as I picked apart the head, separating the blades from the plastic. I picked one up, fingers trembling, remembering more and more what it felt like. I placed the blades edge softly onto my skin. Then someone knocked the door, making my jump and drop the blade onto the floor.
''Alex, are you okay? Come out and talk to me,'' he said calmly.
''I'm fine, just gimme a second.'' I replied. I wrapped the plastic and blades in tissue and dumped it in the small bin behind the toilet. I opened the door to see Jack sat on the floor, head in his hands and his back against the wall. I slumped down next to him as he kept muttering the word 'sorry' to me over and over.''There's really nothing for you to be sorry about, if anyone should be sorry, it's me.'' I sniffed. ''You're just being you, you know who you are and accept it, but..'' I trailed off. What are you trying to say to him Alex? God damn it why are you trying to say anything to him, you don't have to explain yourself to him...t-to Jack Barakat, my first kiss with a guy, the first time I let a guy get close? MAN UP ALEX, you don't owe him anything.
''Does that mean you don't really know who you are Lex?''
I don't know, I just really don't know. ''UGH!'' I groaned, slamming the back of my head into the wall, Jack looking up at me, eyes filled with confusion. ''It's not that simple Jack, I really wish it was, but it's just not,'' I broke down into a sob, bringing by knees up to my face and wrapping my arms around them. ''Th-thing is, I know who I am, but I can't be that person. It won't go down well with my dad, and he scares the shit out of me.''
Jack wrapped an arm around my shoulder, trying to comfort me. ''Why can't you be who you want be be?''
''Because I'm scared,'' I whispered.
''Scared of what?'' He asked, pulling me in tighter.
''My dad finding out I'm gay.'' And then I just broke down.
Why was I choosing to not push him away? Why was I letting him carry on? I wasn't kissing him back though, so it was really one sided. He pulled back, giving up with his efforts. I just stared at him, dumbstruck. What. The. Fuck.
I stood up brashly and walked into the bathroom, avoiding eye contact and conversation with Jack. I walked into a few walls on the way, stumbling and cursing to myself, I finally found it and walked over to the sink and ran the cold water, splashing my face. I looked up at the mirror, focusing on my reflection.
This was freaking me out a little too much, I was panicking. Flashbacks of school racing through my mind, the bullying, the beatings, the names, and the way it made me feel. I winced at the thought of it, taking off my wristbands, trailing my fingertips over the feint white lines, inhaling sharply and squeezing my eyes shut. This couldn't be happening could it, surely not? I'd spent the past 10 years locking this all up, and it's just come back now, all because Jack fucking Barakat couldn't control himself. I couldn't help but question myself....coming out as liking guys was never, and won't ever be an option. It's wrong. My dad had repeatedly put that into my head after my friend Zack had told the whole school about his preference in gender. My dad stopped me from seeing him, hurt me for even knowing him, and that fucking sucked.
No. I couldn't tell anyone, ever. I looked back down at my wrists, remembering how hard I tried to hide myself away from the world. My eyes darted to the bathroom cabinet and I opened the little doors, revealing an array of body washes, shampoos and moisturizers, and right in the front...a razor. I reached to it slowly, it was just a disposable one, but they were the best in my opinion, I started to sweat, my palms becoming clammy as I picked apart the head, separating the blades from the plastic. I picked one up, fingers trembling, remembering more and more what it felt like. I placed the blades edge softly onto my skin. Then someone knocked the door, making my jump and drop the blade onto the floor.
''Alex, are you okay? Come out and talk to me,'' he said calmly.
''I'm fine, just gimme a second.'' I replied. I wrapped the plastic and blades in tissue and dumped it in the small bin behind the toilet. I opened the door to see Jack sat on the floor, head in his hands and his back against the wall. I slumped down next to him as he kept muttering the word 'sorry' to me over and over.''There's really nothing for you to be sorry about, if anyone should be sorry, it's me.'' I sniffed. ''You're just being you, you know who you are and accept it, but..'' I trailed off. What are you trying to say to him Alex? God damn it why are you trying to say anything to him, you don't have to explain yourself to him...t-to Jack Barakat, my first kiss with a guy, the first time I let a guy get close? MAN UP ALEX, you don't owe him anything.
''Does that mean you don't really know who you are Lex?''
I don't know, I just really don't know. ''UGH!'' I groaned, slamming the back of my head into the wall, Jack looking up at me, eyes filled with confusion. ''It's not that simple Jack, I really wish it was, but it's just not,'' I broke down into a sob, bringing by knees up to my face and wrapping my arms around them. ''Th-thing is, I know who I am, but I can't be that person. It won't go down well with my dad, and he scares the shit out of me.''
Jack wrapped an arm around my shoulder, trying to comfort me. ''Why can't you be who you want be be?''
''Because I'm scared,'' I whispered.
''Scared of what?'' He asked, pulling me in tighter.
''My dad finding out I'm gay.'' And then I just broke down.
Notes
Thank you for reading:3
What happens in the last chapter cuz its gone. Omg though amazing story
5/29/16