Secrets and Lies
Chapter Thirty Nine
-Alex's POV-
I was going over to see my parents today, it being Tom's birthday and all. Each and every year, we would go and visit his grave together, as a family and look through loads of old photos. The first year we did it, it was really hard, no one spoke to each other because we were in such a mess, every little thing setting us off again and again, a vicious little cycle of remembering and being in pain.
I glanced in the body length mirror that was on the door of the wardrobe, I straightened my tie, tightened the knot and buttoned up the black blazer I was wearing before grabbing my cell on the bottom of my bed before heading downstairs to find the happy couple on the couch and watching some chick-flick. The sound of one of the steps creaking got their attention as Cassadee smiled sadly at my clothing and getting up to embrace me in a warm hug, the scent of her perfume lingering in the air once she'd pulled away. I looked over her shoulder to see Rian walk over and pull me in for a hug too.
''Hey bro, wanna lift?'' He asked as he scratched the back of his neck awkwardly and stared at the ground.
I slipped on my dress shoes that were placed at the bottom of the staircase before answering him. ''Nah, thanks though.''
I heard him let out a soft sigh, I could tell that he was just trying to be nice about all of this like typical Rian. ''Please, let me? I'm headed that way anyway, I have to go into town.''
''Okay, sure, but I kinda wanna leave now though, I said I'd be there at 2 and it's already 1:45.'' I replied, deciding that trying to push people away today wasn't the best idea.
A huge smile broke out across his face as he nodded and pulled his own shoes on, gave his fiancée a kiss on the cheek and grabbed his keys off of the table. ''See ya later, Cass.'' I called as I walked out of the door after him.
On the way there we didn't talk much, neither of us knowing what kind of topics to bring up on a day like this, every year prior to this one I've always been alone on Tom's birthday and done everything myself, drove myself there and back and just generally being my own sense of support. So we let a comfortable silence fill the air around us, an interview on the radio quietly playing in the background as I stared out of the passenger side window, playing my favorite childhood car game - the one where you pretend you're running alongside the car itself and having to dodge all of the obstacles - when Tom and I were growing up, we always used to play it together, we'd even do the frantic arm actions and make ourselves pant as though we were actually running the race, and more often than none, we'd end up in a fit of giggles in the backseat.
Rian putting his hand on my shoulder was the only thing pulling me from my thoughts. I turned to face him, a sad smile playing on his features as he wished me good luck for the rest of the day. I pulled him in for one last hug, wishing more than anything that it was Jack who could give me a sense of comfort right now, and stepped out of the car, walking towards my parents house where I'd be spending the nest few hours. As I walked towards the huge front door I heard the engine start and the gravel crunching under the tyres as he drove off, leaving me on my own for a few seconds.
As I let myself in, I came face-to-face with my dad who was checking his appearance in the mirror, straightening his tie in the same was I was earlier. An un-placeable look crossed his face as he eyed the suit I was wearing, the same one I had since before Tom's death, probably surprised that I still fit into it. ''Nice of you to finally show up, son.'' He muttered, noting my lateness.
''Rian gave me a lift, and he mus have forgotten the way, it's only 10 minutes though, sorry dad.'' I mumbled, kicking my foot back and forth slowly on the carpet in front of me.
''Your mother is upstairs, she'll be down in a second,'' he said, disregarding my apology ''We're gonna go straight to the church today, photos after.''
My mouth formed a small 'o' shape as I nodded, not really caring which was around it was, I just didn't really want to be inside right now. I was about to speak when my dad walked around the corner and leaving me on my own before coming back with my mom, their arms linked together. I smiled at her, wearing the same black dress she wore every year, her hair looking like it had been recently died for this special occasion. I couldn't help but notice how bloodshot her eyes were, she had obviously been crying - these past few years, dad and I have managed to compose ourselves, but not mom, every year it hit her the same, the same as when we had just lost him, she never fully accepted it, and for a long time, I felt the same way. We all left the house and climbed into the car sat out in the garage as we made our way to the cemetery.
We had been here about a half hour now, we sat down in front of his tombstone together, laid down a new bouquet of flowers and lit a candle as we sang to him, hoping that for some silly reason he would hear us from up above and smile down upon us. We had just finished saying a prayer when mom couldn't hold it together any longer, she broke down in my dad's arms, tears streaming, causing her make up to smear down her face. She excused herself and dad followed shortly after, leaving me on my own with my big brother. I twirled a blade of grass around my finger before plucking it from the ground and ripping it apart.
''Hey dude,'' I whispered, scattering the pieces of grass in front of me and now trailing my index finger over the engraving of his name. ''I need you bro, I really do. I uhh, so this guy, Jack....I'm totally in love with him, and I don't know what to do. I know, you're probably surprised I'm into guys, right? Well, yeah...I'm surprised too. I think you'd like him yanno, he cares about me, like a lot, you'd get along great. I can picture it now, the three of us just chilling down in mom's basement, playing video games and eating so much pizza that we nearly throw up, it would be awesome. But anyways, he hurt me Tom, he really did, he lied to me about something pretty serious, but he's trying his best to change for me...it's weird, I never ever in a million years thought I could mean so much to someone, but here I am.'' I smiled into the wind, realizing how stupid I must sound, I probably sound like a teen girl talking to her best friend about her crush or something. ''I wish you were here, I mean, I get that you weren't happy here, and I'm sorry if I was ever the cause of that, but I hate you so much for leaving, it still hurts,'' fresh tears welled up in my eyes at the thought of it all, bit nevertheless I carried on. ''I just want my brother back. I'm sorry for being a mess right now, but I'm trying my best I really am, I can promise you that now. I don't know if you can here me, wherever you are, but I have a surprise for you soon, so keep an eye open for me, okay?'' I stood up and brushed the debris from my clothing and took a step back. ''I love you Tom.''
I walked along the stone path until I reached the small wooden bench near the parking lot, seated aside one another were my parents, my dad's arm draped over my shoulder protectively, comforting her. It made a warm feeling spread though my gut seeing them still so in love, after all the years they've been together, through all the pain our family has been put through, they've still remained the rock, the one thing that's stopping all of this from deteriorating into nothing, and I really admired that, I only hoped that if Jack and I got back together, that we could stay that consistent.
As they noticed me nearing them, they stood up and engulfed me into yet another hug where it felt as though they could lose me too at any second. We drove back home, a little more happy than on the way - I mean I don't know about them, but seeing Tom always makes hings better, just rambling on to him helps more than you can imagine, they never interrupt or judge you. Once we got back we sat down in front of the fireplace on the fluffy white carpet and we sorted through the several photo albums that we had dedicated to him, they were in chronological order, a few of his scan pictures were in there too, and even one from the last day he was with us - it was a picture that mom had taken of me and him when we were out in the backyard that summer, it was of me sat cross legged on the floor, guitar on my lap as I played Circles for him, what made it even better was that my attention was on the frets rather than my brother, so seeing him grinning at me in the photo filled me with so much emotion that it never failed to bring a tear to my eye - it was by far my favorite picture in the world.
After refusing to get a lift home from my parents and Rian, I had decided to walk back. I figured it was only a half hour, and the fresh air and exercise would really do me good. I had my hands buried in the pockets of my blazer, ear buds in and I was scuffing my shoes.
Break Stuff by Limp Bizkit was playing in my ears, matching my mood. I was walking at a quick pace in time with the beat of the music and making my way onto a bridge that needed to be crossed, when I saw a silhouette out of the corner of my eye, it was the outline of someone stood on the ledge of the bridge, one hand propped up against the streetlight as to give them balance for the time being. I immediately broke out into a sprint and pulled them down, clutching their sobbing body in my arms. The small girl looked up at me with wide eyes, her tear stained face gleaming from the artificial lights above us. I pulled her in closer to me and whispered in her ear once she had stopped shaking. ''What's wrong?''
She pulled away from me, a hurt look on her face as new tears threatened to spill. ''I don't..I, I don't want to be here, I can't-'' she choked out between sobs.
I took a deep breath as I considered what to say to the young girl who couldn't have been older than 18. ''If you commit suicide, I don't even...I don't even know what would happen to you. All I personally know is what happens to the people around you, after you die. It will be really, really hard for your family to live normally for a long time,'' I exhaled slowly, looking out to the traffic thinking of Tom. ''And um, if you commit suicide, people will miss you...a lot. If you commit suicide, your brother, your sister, your mother, your father, your friends, your boyfriend, all those people who really really love you, will be really fucking confused for the rest of their lives...and really angry....and...really jealous. I'm jealous, of everyone who has a brother, you know?'' I said quietly, my voice beginning to crack from the emotion. ''It's been like, years since he died...and it's still, really hard to talk about...I mean, it's like, at the end of the day, there's meant to be someone who's in your life right now, and they're not...and they never will be again, probably not...no actually most definitely - we all die.'' I chuckled through the tears. ''But, UGH....it forces you to ask yourself a load of questions you're never gonna get the answer to, so it feels like a lot of fucking, unnecessary pain!" I spoke louder, raising my voice as the anger built up inside of me. ''And like, brooding and agonizing...and it feels...so shitty and just SO SHITTY and unfair. And then you wrestle with these same emotions over and over every time you think about it...so you try not to think about it, but then if you don't think about it you can't work your way through it...and working your way through it FUCKING SUCKS because there's so much of it EVERYWHERE,'' tears now rolling down my face and my voice broken from holding them back, Tom in my mind the whole time. ''Everywhere you turn it's there...it influences who you are. It's like a before, and after...this event, that YOU did made me a different person, and I don't know if it's for the better or for the worse..but I fucking hate you and I fucking love you...'' I realized the girl was staring at me and I remembered that I wasn't alone, I remembered why I was really say here. ''Just...don't do it,'' I sniffed, pulling her back closer to me. ''Just don't do it. It's stupid....death is so stupid, I don't like it. Imagine how many years you have to change your life, yanno?''
''Thank you.'' She whispered into my hair before standing up and walking away, a slight bounce in her step; and I couldn't help but think, maybe...maybe I actually saved someone.
I was going over to see my parents today, it being Tom's birthday and all. Each and every year, we would go and visit his grave together, as a family and look through loads of old photos. The first year we did it, it was really hard, no one spoke to each other because we were in such a mess, every little thing setting us off again and again, a vicious little cycle of remembering and being in pain.
I glanced in the body length mirror that was on the door of the wardrobe, I straightened my tie, tightened the knot and buttoned up the black blazer I was wearing before grabbing my cell on the bottom of my bed before heading downstairs to find the happy couple on the couch and watching some chick-flick. The sound of one of the steps creaking got their attention as Cassadee smiled sadly at my clothing and getting up to embrace me in a warm hug, the scent of her perfume lingering in the air once she'd pulled away. I looked over her shoulder to see Rian walk over and pull me in for a hug too.
''Hey bro, wanna lift?'' He asked as he scratched the back of his neck awkwardly and stared at the ground.
I slipped on my dress shoes that were placed at the bottom of the staircase before answering him. ''Nah, thanks though.''
I heard him let out a soft sigh, I could tell that he was just trying to be nice about all of this like typical Rian. ''Please, let me? I'm headed that way anyway, I have to go into town.''
''Okay, sure, but I kinda wanna leave now though, I said I'd be there at 2 and it's already 1:45.'' I replied, deciding that trying to push people away today wasn't the best idea.
A huge smile broke out across his face as he nodded and pulled his own shoes on, gave his fiancée a kiss on the cheek and grabbed his keys off of the table. ''See ya later, Cass.'' I called as I walked out of the door after him.
On the way there we didn't talk much, neither of us knowing what kind of topics to bring up on a day like this, every year prior to this one I've always been alone on Tom's birthday and done everything myself, drove myself there and back and just generally being my own sense of support. So we let a comfortable silence fill the air around us, an interview on the radio quietly playing in the background as I stared out of the passenger side window, playing my favorite childhood car game - the one where you pretend you're running alongside the car itself and having to dodge all of the obstacles - when Tom and I were growing up, we always used to play it together, we'd even do the frantic arm actions and make ourselves pant as though we were actually running the race, and more often than none, we'd end up in a fit of giggles in the backseat.
Rian putting his hand on my shoulder was the only thing pulling me from my thoughts. I turned to face him, a sad smile playing on his features as he wished me good luck for the rest of the day. I pulled him in for one last hug, wishing more than anything that it was Jack who could give me a sense of comfort right now, and stepped out of the car, walking towards my parents house where I'd be spending the nest few hours. As I walked towards the huge front door I heard the engine start and the gravel crunching under the tyres as he drove off, leaving me on my own for a few seconds.
As I let myself in, I came face-to-face with my dad who was checking his appearance in the mirror, straightening his tie in the same was I was earlier. An un-placeable look crossed his face as he eyed the suit I was wearing, the same one I had since before Tom's death, probably surprised that I still fit into it. ''Nice of you to finally show up, son.'' He muttered, noting my lateness.
''Rian gave me a lift, and he mus have forgotten the way, it's only 10 minutes though, sorry dad.'' I mumbled, kicking my foot back and forth slowly on the carpet in front of me.
''Your mother is upstairs, she'll be down in a second,'' he said, disregarding my apology ''We're gonna go straight to the church today, photos after.''
My mouth formed a small 'o' shape as I nodded, not really caring which was around it was, I just didn't really want to be inside right now. I was about to speak when my dad walked around the corner and leaving me on my own before coming back with my mom, their arms linked together. I smiled at her, wearing the same black dress she wore every year, her hair looking like it had been recently died for this special occasion. I couldn't help but notice how bloodshot her eyes were, she had obviously been crying - these past few years, dad and I have managed to compose ourselves, but not mom, every year it hit her the same, the same as when we had just lost him, she never fully accepted it, and for a long time, I felt the same way. We all left the house and climbed into the car sat out in the garage as we made our way to the cemetery.
We had been here about a half hour now, we sat down in front of his tombstone together, laid down a new bouquet of flowers and lit a candle as we sang to him, hoping that for some silly reason he would hear us from up above and smile down upon us. We had just finished saying a prayer when mom couldn't hold it together any longer, she broke down in my dad's arms, tears streaming, causing her make up to smear down her face. She excused herself and dad followed shortly after, leaving me on my own with my big brother. I twirled a blade of grass around my finger before plucking it from the ground and ripping it apart.
''Hey dude,'' I whispered, scattering the pieces of grass in front of me and now trailing my index finger over the engraving of his name. ''I need you bro, I really do. I uhh, so this guy, Jack....I'm totally in love with him, and I don't know what to do. I know, you're probably surprised I'm into guys, right? Well, yeah...I'm surprised too. I think you'd like him yanno, he cares about me, like a lot, you'd get along great. I can picture it now, the three of us just chilling down in mom's basement, playing video games and eating so much pizza that we nearly throw up, it would be awesome. But anyways, he hurt me Tom, he really did, he lied to me about something pretty serious, but he's trying his best to change for me...it's weird, I never ever in a million years thought I could mean so much to someone, but here I am.'' I smiled into the wind, realizing how stupid I must sound, I probably sound like a teen girl talking to her best friend about her crush or something. ''I wish you were here, I mean, I get that you weren't happy here, and I'm sorry if I was ever the cause of that, but I hate you so much for leaving, it still hurts,'' fresh tears welled up in my eyes at the thought of it all, bit nevertheless I carried on. ''I just want my brother back. I'm sorry for being a mess right now, but I'm trying my best I really am, I can promise you that now. I don't know if you can here me, wherever you are, but I have a surprise for you soon, so keep an eye open for me, okay?'' I stood up and brushed the debris from my clothing and took a step back. ''I love you Tom.''
I walked along the stone path until I reached the small wooden bench near the parking lot, seated aside one another were my parents, my dad's arm draped over my shoulder protectively, comforting her. It made a warm feeling spread though my gut seeing them still so in love, after all the years they've been together, through all the pain our family has been put through, they've still remained the rock, the one thing that's stopping all of this from deteriorating into nothing, and I really admired that, I only hoped that if Jack and I got back together, that we could stay that consistent.
As they noticed me nearing them, they stood up and engulfed me into yet another hug where it felt as though they could lose me too at any second. We drove back home, a little more happy than on the way - I mean I don't know about them, but seeing Tom always makes hings better, just rambling on to him helps more than you can imagine, they never interrupt or judge you. Once we got back we sat down in front of the fireplace on the fluffy white carpet and we sorted through the several photo albums that we had dedicated to him, they were in chronological order, a few of his scan pictures were in there too, and even one from the last day he was with us - it was a picture that mom had taken of me and him when we were out in the backyard that summer, it was of me sat cross legged on the floor, guitar on my lap as I played Circles for him, what made it even better was that my attention was on the frets rather than my brother, so seeing him grinning at me in the photo filled me with so much emotion that it never failed to bring a tear to my eye - it was by far my favorite picture in the world.
After refusing to get a lift home from my parents and Rian, I had decided to walk back. I figured it was only a half hour, and the fresh air and exercise would really do me good. I had my hands buried in the pockets of my blazer, ear buds in and I was scuffing my shoes.
Break Stuff by Limp Bizkit was playing in my ears, matching my mood. I was walking at a quick pace in time with the beat of the music and making my way onto a bridge that needed to be crossed, when I saw a silhouette out of the corner of my eye, it was the outline of someone stood on the ledge of the bridge, one hand propped up against the streetlight as to give them balance for the time being. I immediately broke out into a sprint and pulled them down, clutching their sobbing body in my arms. The small girl looked up at me with wide eyes, her tear stained face gleaming from the artificial lights above us. I pulled her in closer to me and whispered in her ear once she had stopped shaking. ''What's wrong?''
She pulled away from me, a hurt look on her face as new tears threatened to spill. ''I don't..I, I don't want to be here, I can't-'' she choked out between sobs.
I took a deep breath as I considered what to say to the young girl who couldn't have been older than 18. ''If you commit suicide, I don't even...I don't even know what would happen to you. All I personally know is what happens to the people around you, after you die. It will be really, really hard for your family to live normally for a long time,'' I exhaled slowly, looking out to the traffic thinking of Tom. ''And um, if you commit suicide, people will miss you...a lot. If you commit suicide, your brother, your sister, your mother, your father, your friends, your boyfriend, all those people who really really love you, will be really fucking confused for the rest of their lives...and really angry....and...really jealous. I'm jealous, of everyone who has a brother, you know?'' I said quietly, my voice beginning to crack from the emotion. ''It's been like, years since he died...and it's still, really hard to talk about...I mean, it's like, at the end of the day, there's meant to be someone who's in your life right now, and they're not...and they never will be again, probably not...no actually most definitely - we all die.'' I chuckled through the tears. ''But, UGH....it forces you to ask yourself a load of questions you're never gonna get the answer to, so it feels like a lot of fucking, unnecessary pain!" I spoke louder, raising my voice as the anger built up inside of me. ''And like, brooding and agonizing...and it feels...so shitty and just SO SHITTY and unfair. And then you wrestle with these same emotions over and over every time you think about it...so you try not to think about it, but then if you don't think about it you can't work your way through it...and working your way through it FUCKING SUCKS because there's so much of it EVERYWHERE,'' tears now rolling down my face and my voice broken from holding them back, Tom in my mind the whole time. ''Everywhere you turn it's there...it influences who you are. It's like a before, and after...this event, that YOU did made me a different person, and I don't know if it's for the better or for the worse..but I fucking hate you and I fucking love you...'' I realized the girl was staring at me and I remembered that I wasn't alone, I remembered why I was really say here. ''Just...don't do it,'' I sniffed, pulling her back closer to me. ''Just don't do it. It's stupid....death is so stupid, I don't like it. Imagine how many years you have to change your life, yanno?''
''Thank you.'' She whispered into my hair before standing up and walking away, a slight bounce in her step; and I couldn't help but think, maybe...maybe I actually saved someone.
Notes
Sing it with me kids - 'the feels on the bus go round and round'Thank you for reading :)
<3
What happens in the last chapter cuz its gone. Omg though amazing story
5/29/16