The Rebel, the Jackass and the Dickhead

“Long story short, I accidentally ate a pen,” Dallas mocked in a high-pitched voice, pushing me away as I attempted to take my phone away from him (which, by the way, was pressed against his ear). “Yes, tihi, hilarious, girlfriend! Like, can we shop soon?” I pinched his armpit after deciding this was a life or death situation, since he was talking to the one friend I had who was completely unable to keep secrets from my older brother, as she fancied him. Ugh. He instantly dropped my phone and stared at me incredulously, holding his armpit. “I can’t believe you just did that!” I dove for my phone and ran out of the living room.

“Build a bridge and get over it!” I yelled in response, entering the kitchen and opening the fridge, putting my old Nokia back to my ear. “Do you still fancy that dickhead?” I asked grumpily, taking the Twizzlers mom bought yesterday out of the fridge. Apparently, they were for Richard, one of the most popular seniors at my high school. His girlfriend apparently wanted a three-some, and ... yeah, that’s how my mom came into the picture.

“Oh god, yes, he’s adorable. Well, more like adorkable. Stop chewing so loudly, Anne, I don’t want to hear what you’re eating,” Maybelle complained loudly. I had a tendency to eat while on the phone, and never otherwise. It didn’t really matter to me, I would puke it all up later no matter when I ate it.

“Too fucking bad for you, then. You should just text instead but no, you have to call in order to talk to my DICKHEAD OF A BROTHER!” I yelled the last part, making sure Dallas could hear me.

I heard her snort on the other end. She was one of those people who sounded like a horse when she laughed, so she decided to snort instead. And, well. “You’ll understand eventually, dear friend.” She just breathed loudly into the phone for a bit, signaling she was moving around. “So, how about you, who do you like?”

Almost laughing out loud, I took another Twizzler out of the packet and consumed it hurriedly. Best keep it down as long as possible. “Ha. Ha. You are so funny, asshole. Really, I can barely contain my laughter. No, but really, are you fucking kidding me? I’m Shaun Cassidy, do you really think I would like a living, breathing mortal?”

“You like Mark Hoppus.”

“Celebrities don’t count. They live in a completely different world consisting of money, fame and perfection. And Mark Hoppus is probably a gay alien anyway,” I stated, heaving myself up on the kitchen counter, flinching when the cold marble countertop came in contact with my butt.

“That was deep, sister,” May said, snorting at the same time. I then decided to never ever in my life tell her how stupid it was to snort and talk at the same time, as I quite enjoyed seeing her making a fool out of herself. “But what about that Jack-guy you used to be really good friends with?” Jack Barakat and All Time Low were currently touring, having made it quite big in the music world. In fact, I hadn’t seen him in almost five years. "Who, by the way, has the same name as Jack Barakat and must therefore be hot, seeing as logic definitely works that way." I heard a click on the other line, signaling May had gotten impatient and hung up as usual. Funny, though, how my best friend had no idea I was friends with Jack Barakat. She was one of those fangirly Hustlers, who probably would go to every one of their shows if she had the money.

On that topic, calling Jack was probably a good idea. Well, at least a fun idea. We had been fairly close friends before All Time Low took off, seeing how me and Dallas spent a fair amount of each day at his house for a year, avoiding our mother’s physical abuse. He had witnessed me after taking a punch and a knife to the face, with a black eye and blood oozing out of a cut on my right cheek. He was a real friend, basically, who knew what I had been through and was still going through. Not that May wasn’t, of course, she just had no idea who I really was.

My phone bleeped again, signaling I was getting a call. Knowing it was May once again, I pressed ‘Answer’ without checking the called ID. “Hello once again, Earthling, what do you want?”

“It’s your birthday today, Shaun! HAPPY TWENTY-FIRST!” Maybelle yelled into the phone before hanging up once again. Wow, twenty-one, big deal. People kept telling me it was awesome because I could finally drink, but in all seriousness, I had done that before.

“Well thank you for that, asshole,” I muttered to myself, shoving my cell into my pocket and jumping off the counter. I quickly pulled it out again, though, dialing Jack’s old number. If he changed it, then I could always talk to his parents or Dallas. Or tweet him or Facebook him or yeah. I could stalk him till he talked to me in the worst case, but I was hoping he picked up now so I wouldn’t have to do all that work.

Beep... Beep.. Beep... “Hello?” came a male voice. I heard laughing in the background, and some yells that sounded a lot like ‘my dick is so much bigger than yours, that’s why she did it for free’.

“Wow interesting peeps you got on your line,” I said sarcastically. “Tell me, how big is your dick?” I, quite frankly, was sure I would make him hang up on me, which was sort of what I was aiming for. I wanted to and really didn’t want to have this conversation at the same time, if that made any sense.

“Erm basically I don’t know them,” he responded. “Who is this?”

I laughed. “Fucking prick can’t even remember yesterday’s fuck,” I told him jokingly, taking another Twizzler out of the bag and eating it quickly. “No, but really, hi Jacky. It’s my twenty-first so you have to buy me alcohol. You haven’t seen little me in five years.”

I could practically hear Jack trying to figure out who I was. “Shaun? HOLY FUCK HAPPY TWENTY-FIRST!” There were some weird noises on his end, signaling he was moving around. “I’m actually in Baltimore right now, let’s go to One, yuhknow, the element club?”

“You’re paying,” I stated with a grin and hung up. Well this was either going to be really awkward or really awesome.