All We've Ever Known
Strange how things can change, how your consciousness can fade.
I sighed deeply, trying to control my nerves as my hand touched the icy doorknob. The cold metal singed my skin and sent electric currents through my body. Was this the right choice - coming back here? Was this what I wanted? Was this what they wanted? Rian had texted me earlier that day to come visit, so why should I have been feeling such intense anxiety? I already decided long ago that I wanted to see the guys again, so why was this effecting me so much? Rian was the only one I should've felt completely comfortable with out of all of them, but I felt anything but comfortable as I stood outside of his house in the cold March wind.
Why? Because I was the crazy girl who lost her mind. I completely and utterly lost my marbles and fled as soon as I saw the water growing choppier as the days wore on. Nothing on the entire planet could take away anything I had done or said or revealed. Nothing I could ever do would make up for the pain I caused people or the pain people caused me. Now, four years after my departure, I finally felt strong enough to come back. I finally felt like I could face my past, something I was sure I’d never be able to do before this instant.
I took my hand off of the door knob and timidly knocked on the hard wood of the door. A tiny dog bounded up to the windows that lined the middle of the French door and barked with all its might. I smiled at it, as if it could sense that I was friendly by my feeble attempt at happiness. I crouched down and scratched at the glass, driving the dog mad. It carelessly lapped at the glass and barked a short, shrill noise that seemed to pierce right through me, even on the other side of the door.
Before I could even look up, the dog was scooped up and out of view and the door swung open.
“Macy!” Rian exclaimed, a large smile spread across his face. I couldn’t help but smile warmly in return. “Come the fuck on in!”
I walked in and stood in the middle of the foyer, eyeing the furniture and knick knacks carefully. Rian sure had a very beautiful sense of decoration… And a very feminine one at that.
“I’m really glad you could come,” Rian said as he placed the dog on the ground. It immediately bolted in my direction and collided with my leg. In its intense excitement, it began sniffing my jeans and licking them profusely.
“That’s Baz, by the way…” he said, pointing to the now-trembling dog. “He gets a little excited when visitors come. He’ll settle down soon. Come into the living room!”
“Baz…?” I laughed as I followed him in. I had never heard of such name!
As I entered the room I noticed the dozens of pictures lining the wall by the stairs in the corner - pictures that included everything from the band, to specific family members, to dear friends. I smiled as I recognized some of them, old friends who I never got the chance to reconcile with.
“Short for Sebastian,” Rian giggled in response. “Not my idea! Alex came up with the name and it kind of just stuck.”
It felt as if someone slammed a punching bag into my whole body at the sound of his name. Memories, both unwanted and welcome, flooded my consciousness.
I gulped, with much difficulty since it seemed my mouth was as dry as sandpaper, and replied, “You let him name you’re dog?!” I tried to laugh to make it sound as if I was joking around, but it became increasingly hard to control my breathing.
This is ridiculous, stop it. It’s Rian for Christ’s sake! Enjoy his company! You can deal with Alex later…
That thought seemed to help and I managed to reduce the growing tension in my chest. I couldn’t allow that to happen every time the damn kid’s name was said. That was just pathetic.
“No, no! Baz is Alex’s dog, not mine! We live together here, so unfortunately I have to deal with the little shit…” He laughed lightly, making sure I knew that he loved the dog regardless.
But that didn’t make it better. Alex lived here. He slept here and ate here and sang his stupid, happy songs here. This was his home, and I, the most unwanted of all people was sitting on his couch. I suddenly felt extremely out of place, as if the house was going to regurgitate me at any second and throw me out on the front steps.
This was a mistake. I’m not fucking strong enough for this yet. Not strong enough to face him.
“So, how’ve you been Mace? It’s been so fucking long… You look… So different… Very beautiful and grown up,” Rian said, being sure to dance around the subject of the deep, noticeable scars on my face. I silently thanked the Lord almighty that I wore a sweater to hide the dozens of other scars instead of the half-sleeved shirt I had planned on. Less explanation was what I lived for.
“I’ve been… Really good,” I said truthfully. “Things have been going great.”
“Where do you live now?”
“I live out in Delaware! But enough about me - how’ve you been? I see you’re awfully successful!” I said with a smile, nodding my head to some of the band's pictures that were scattered amongst the ones of friends and family on the wall. Pictures that didn't include me, which ignited a fire of guilt in my chest.
However, I could feel the tension slowly releasing from my muscles. Talking with Rian was always surprisingly relaxing, and at the moment that was exactly what I needed.
“Well, I wouldn’t say that... But the band’s been fantastic! We’ve been touring all over the place. So many bands, Mace – you wouldn’t believe it! You’d be so proud…”
The guilt grew even larger and I replied softly, "But I am proud. I've always been proud of you guys... I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you guys when all that was happening. I really, truly am. If I was… Better, you know I would’ve been right there with you.”
“Macy, don’t you worry your pretty little head. It’s totally fine. We’re all just glad you’re still here. I can't even believe you decided to come back! Everyone's going to be so stoked to see you!"
I looked down at my hands nervously and played with the rings that lined my right hand, searching for the right words to say. None came to mind. I obviously screwed up this life, this life I once loved more than anything, and I couldn’t think of anything to get it all back – I never would…
“Ri! Holy shit! You’ll never believe what I found!” a voice boomed from the foyer. Rian looked up nervously and then back at me, as if almost to say sorry for not telling me a certain person would be here.
A person that I recognized just from the sound of his voice. A person who once did everything with me and held my heart as if I would die if he let go. And truth be told, a part of me did.
All I could do was stare straight ahead as I heard the encroaching footsteps. My stomach felt like it was churning acid, and I knew soon it would come bounding up my throat. My hands wouldn’t stop shaking and I was almost positive my heart was going to beat right out of my chest.
“I found that bread from the bakery we-" he began to say, but he never finished, for I was certain his eyes found what they had feared all along.
“Macy?!”
Why? Because I was the crazy girl who lost her mind. I completely and utterly lost my marbles and fled as soon as I saw the water growing choppier as the days wore on. Nothing on the entire planet could take away anything I had done or said or revealed. Nothing I could ever do would make up for the pain I caused people or the pain people caused me. Now, four years after my departure, I finally felt strong enough to come back. I finally felt like I could face my past, something I was sure I’d never be able to do before this instant.
I took my hand off of the door knob and timidly knocked on the hard wood of the door. A tiny dog bounded up to the windows that lined the middle of the French door and barked with all its might. I smiled at it, as if it could sense that I was friendly by my feeble attempt at happiness. I crouched down and scratched at the glass, driving the dog mad. It carelessly lapped at the glass and barked a short, shrill noise that seemed to pierce right through me, even on the other side of the door.
Before I could even look up, the dog was scooped up and out of view and the door swung open.
“Macy!” Rian exclaimed, a large smile spread across his face. I couldn’t help but smile warmly in return. “Come the fuck on in!”
I walked in and stood in the middle of the foyer, eyeing the furniture and knick knacks carefully. Rian sure had a very beautiful sense of decoration… And a very feminine one at that.
“I’m really glad you could come,” Rian said as he placed the dog on the ground. It immediately bolted in my direction and collided with my leg. In its intense excitement, it began sniffing my jeans and licking them profusely.
“That’s Baz, by the way…” he said, pointing to the now-trembling dog. “He gets a little excited when visitors come. He’ll settle down soon. Come into the living room!”
“Baz…?” I laughed as I followed him in. I had never heard of such name!
As I entered the room I noticed the dozens of pictures lining the wall by the stairs in the corner - pictures that included everything from the band, to specific family members, to dear friends. I smiled as I recognized some of them, old friends who I never got the chance to reconcile with.
“Short for Sebastian,” Rian giggled in response. “Not my idea! Alex came up with the name and it kind of just stuck.”
It felt as if someone slammed a punching bag into my whole body at the sound of his name. Memories, both unwanted and welcome, flooded my consciousness.
I gulped, with much difficulty since it seemed my mouth was as dry as sandpaper, and replied, “You let him name you’re dog?!” I tried to laugh to make it sound as if I was joking around, but it became increasingly hard to control my breathing.
This is ridiculous, stop it. It’s Rian for Christ’s sake! Enjoy his company! You can deal with Alex later…
That thought seemed to help and I managed to reduce the growing tension in my chest. I couldn’t allow that to happen every time the damn kid’s name was said. That was just pathetic.
“No, no! Baz is Alex’s dog, not mine! We live together here, so unfortunately I have to deal with the little shit…” He laughed lightly, making sure I knew that he loved the dog regardless.
But that didn’t make it better. Alex lived here. He slept here and ate here and sang his stupid, happy songs here. This was his home, and I, the most unwanted of all people was sitting on his couch. I suddenly felt extremely out of place, as if the house was going to regurgitate me at any second and throw me out on the front steps.
This was a mistake. I’m not fucking strong enough for this yet. Not strong enough to face him.
“So, how’ve you been Mace? It’s been so fucking long… You look… So different… Very beautiful and grown up,” Rian said, being sure to dance around the subject of the deep, noticeable scars on my face. I silently thanked the Lord almighty that I wore a sweater to hide the dozens of other scars instead of the half-sleeved shirt I had planned on. Less explanation was what I lived for.
“I’ve been… Really good,” I said truthfully. “Things have been going great.”
“Where do you live now?”
“I live out in Delaware! But enough about me - how’ve you been? I see you’re awfully successful!” I said with a smile, nodding my head to some of the band's pictures that were scattered amongst the ones of friends and family on the wall. Pictures that didn't include me, which ignited a fire of guilt in my chest.
However, I could feel the tension slowly releasing from my muscles. Talking with Rian was always surprisingly relaxing, and at the moment that was exactly what I needed.
“Well, I wouldn’t say that... But the band’s been fantastic! We’ve been touring all over the place. So many bands, Mace – you wouldn’t believe it! You’d be so proud…”
The guilt grew even larger and I replied softly, "But I am proud. I've always been proud of you guys... I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you guys when all that was happening. I really, truly am. If I was… Better, you know I would’ve been right there with you.”
“Macy, don’t you worry your pretty little head. It’s totally fine. We’re all just glad you’re still here. I can't even believe you decided to come back! Everyone's going to be so stoked to see you!"
I looked down at my hands nervously and played with the rings that lined my right hand, searching for the right words to say. None came to mind. I obviously screwed up this life, this life I once loved more than anything, and I couldn’t think of anything to get it all back – I never would…
“Ri! Holy shit! You’ll never believe what I found!” a voice boomed from the foyer. Rian looked up nervously and then back at me, as if almost to say sorry for not telling me a certain person would be here.
A person that I recognized just from the sound of his voice. A person who once did everything with me and held my heart as if I would die if he let go. And truth be told, a part of me did.
All I could do was stare straight ahead as I heard the encroaching footsteps. My stomach felt like it was churning acid, and I knew soon it would come bounding up my throat. My hands wouldn’t stop shaking and I was almost positive my heart was going to beat right out of my chest.
“I found that bread from the bakery we-" he began to say, but he never finished, for I was certain his eyes found what they had feared all along.
“Macy?!”
6/27/13