Days pass without any meaning. I wake up, drink, and fall back asleep. I do that on repeat. I eat very little and rarely leave my bed. Ashley’s parents have called me a few times, but I can’t answer it. If I answer them, they will want to come over and talk about it and that’s the last thing I want. I just want all of this to go away. The smell of smoke still lingers in the house a little, a never-ending reminder. I feed Jasper and cuddle him occasionally. When I lay him in bed with me, he always curls up on top of me. It’s almost like he knows I need a friend.

I take a swig from the Vodka bottle next to my bed and let out a long sigh. All of a sudden, I hear a knock at the front door. I groan and ignore it, hoping they’ll go away. Another knock occurs and I ignore that one. I reach for the bottle and finish it off, feeling slightly buzzed. All of a sudden, I see someone walk past my window. I freeze as the figure peeks inside. I look closer and see Zack, the fireman. I curse under my breath as his eyes lock on me. He signals for me to let him in so I go unlock the front door. I stumble back to my bed and wait. I hear the front door click open.

“Sorry if I freaked you out. It’s kind of a fireman thing.” I hear him call from the front door.

I listen to the sound of his shoes cross my wooden floors. I turn to face my doorway when I hear the footsteps stop and see Zack standing in my doorway.

He’s wearing a grey, long-sleeved v-neck and a pair of dark jeans. He has a sad look on his face when he sees me and just stands there.

“What?” I snap.

“What the fuck is happening to you Cass?” He strides across my floor and stands above me.

“What do you think?” I fire back. “My best friend just died. Do you really think I’m going to be fine and dandy?”

Zack doesn’t say anything. He reaches down to the floor and grabs the empty Vodka bottles. He takes them to the kitchen and throws them away. When he doesn’t come back, I get out of bed and pad out to the kitchen only to find him pouring out the remaining liquor in the cabinets.

“WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?” I shout at him, running quickly to stop him.

“Someone who actually gives a damn about you!” He growls back.

I try to swat the bottles out of his hand, but Zack is much taller and more muscular than me.

“You give a damn about me? You don’t even fucking know me Zack. Get out.” I cry, pushing him as hard as I can.

He doesn’t budge. Instead, he turns towards me and wraps his arms around me. Immediately, tears flood down my face and I can hardly breathe. I try to push him away as hard as I can, but he only holds on to me tighter. I give up pushing him and let my arms fall to my side.

“I’m not letting go until you hug me back.” He mumbles into my hair.

I wrap my arms around him loosely, not really hugging. My tears fall faster. I hug him a little and all of a sudden my body completely deceives me and melts into his embrace. Tears fall faster than they ever had before and my chest heaves with sobs. Zack rubs circles on my back and whispers soothing things.

“Everything will be okay.”

“I’m here for you.”

“Just relax, you’re okay.”

All of a sudden, I feel Zack pick me up gently. I shift a little, only to get more comfortable. He sets me on the kitchen counter and pulls away. With calloused fingers, he wipes my tears away.

“I can’t stand this.” I hiccup. “I need her back.”

“Cass I hate to say this but she isn’t coming back. If I could bring her back I swear on my life I would do it in a heartbeat. There are just some people we can’t bring back.” He sighs sadly, wiping the remaining tears.

“I just feel like this constant hole in my chest. I never even got to say goodbye.” My lip quivers slightly and Zack places his fingers under my chin.

“I want you to try something.” He starts. “It’s going to sound hard, but it will get easier, I promise. I’m gonna make us something to drink, preferably with no alcohol and I want you to get a shower. I want you to get dressed and I want you to come with me outside.”

I open my mouth to protest put he puts a finger on my lips.

“Don’t. It’s just going to be the backyard. We are just going to sit out there and drink our drinks and talk. I bet you don’t even know a cold front came through this morning.” He chuckles.

My head slightly cocks to the side in confusion. “It’s cold outside?”

“See? You need to get outside. Go. Shower. I’ll be here when you get out.” Zack picks me up and sets me down again.

I walk to the bathroom and shut the door. I stare at myself in the mirror and am mortified I even let anyone see me in this condition. My eyes are basically swollen shut and accompanied by dark circles. My face is as pale as a sheet and my hair sticks up in every direction possible. Quickly, I strip my clothes off and turn the shower on. I glimpse in the mirror at my naked body and I gasp. I can officially see my rib and hipbones. How could this have happened? It’s only been a few days.

I jump in the shower quickly before I can find anything else wrong with myself. The hot water sprays on my body and soothes my muscles. I inhale the steam and exhale slowly, enjoying the feeling of it in my lungs. I wash my hair and deeply condition it, working out the millions of knots that have formed. I shave everywhere completely appalled at the way I let myself go. It’s only been a few days. What the fuck is happening?

I finish my shower after about 30 minutes and realize I left Zack out there. Shit. I wrap a towel around my body and poke my head out.

“Zack? Are you still here?” I call out.

“Of course!” I hear him call from the kitchen. “Take your time. I’ll be here.”

I smile softly and run across the hallway and into my bedroom before he can see me. I remove the towel from my body and wrap it around my hair to absorb the water. I sift through my closet and pull out a pair of blue skinny jeans. I slip them along with a thong onto my body. I find a tan bra and clip it into place. I dig through my closet once more, emerging with a red long sleeved V-neck. I slip it on and look at myself in the mirror. I giggle at the how ridiculous I look with a towel on my head and take it off. I brush my long hair out and throw it into a bun. Finally, I slip on a pair of Ugg boots and head into the kitchen.

I glance around and gasp. Zack has cleaned the entire kitchen for me. All of the pictures on the fridge are neatly sorted and the dishes are all in the humming washing machine. Zack hears my gasp and turns around from the microwave.

“Wow.” He mutters. “Beautiful.”

I blush. “That’s exactly what I was thinking about the kitchen. Thank you.”

He nods and pulls two mugs out of the microwave. “Hot chocolate.” Is all he says.

I lead him out into the backyard and to the hammock. I lie in it facing east and Zack lies in it facing west, his ankles by my head.

He hands me my mug and I sip slowly. The cool air whips around my face. I glance up at Zack who is staring into his mug, hair being teased with the breeze.

“Thank you.” I nudge his shoulder with my toe, getting him to look up at me.

“No problem. It’s just hot chocolate.” He grins.

“No. Thank you for all of this. It’s helping. Hot chocolate was her favorite…besides Vodka.” I chuckle.

“I’m sorry. I should’ve asked. I can make you something else.” He stumbles across his words.

“No, don’t worry about it!” I assure him. “It reminds me of this one time, we went out on a double date. We went to the carnival in the middle of the day. It was hot as hell and we were all having a really great time. All of a sudden, Ashley gets this crazy idea that she wants to get hot chocolate. Well of course, being the middle of summer, the fair is not going to sell it. The guys had been looking at her like she was crazy ever since she mentioned the words hot chocolate. She threw a fit and said if we didn’t leave to get hot chocolate, then she would go by herself. The guys let her go but I went with her. When we finally found a diner that had some, she admitted to me that was just a decoy to leave. She thought the guys were assholes. Ever since then, our excuse for getting out of double dates was hot chocolate. Sounds silly, but it was pretty brilliant if you think about it.” I laugh.

Zack laughs. “I gotta say, if any girl asked me for hot chocolate in the middle of summer, I would think she’s a little crazy.”

“Ashley was crazy.” I assure him.

“Tell me more about her.” He begs. “She sounds hilarious.”

I tell him every Ashley story I can think of. I tell him about our elementary school years, when Ashley would marry people on the playground. By the time she was done marrying people, there was no one left for her to marry. I divorced my guy and told her I would marry her. We got married on the playground and never looked back. I told him about how in middle school, she had this huge crush on a senior. She said that every time he looked at her, the world stopped. What she didn’t realize was that he didn’t know she existed. I remember she tried to talk to her, but he disregarded her considering she was a 7th grader. I picked up the broken pieces and that’s when she told me she was going off guys for good. Of course, high school came around and she changed her mind. She also took up playing the guitar, although she had no musical talent. It was quite…loud. I told him everything about Ashley, except for what I found out in her journal the other night.

“I feel like I know her.” Zack smiles when I’m done. She was really special.”

“Yeah, Ashley was the perfect package.” I sigh.

“So I know all about Ashley. Tell me about you.” He pokes my ankle.

I blush and look away. “Not much to say. Just your average girl really. I don’t normally drink.”

“The 10 plus bottles beg to differ.” He mutters.

“10? How the fuck did I not die? It’s only been a few days.” I groan.

“Days? Cassie it’s been 2 weeks.” Zack corrects me.

I freeze, completely shocked. My mind immediately flashes back to the shower, when I saw how thin I was. The hair gain, the weight loss, all of it makes sense now.

“Wow.” Is all I can come up with.

“Yeah wow.”

We sit there silently rocking back and forth. All of a sudden, I start talking.

“You want to know about me Zack? I’m fucked up. I’m lost. My life revolved around Ashley. She’s gone now and I could give two fucks less as to what happens to me. Friends? Yeah right. Ashley was all I needed. Boyfriends? Who needs them when you had Ashley. She was literally the reason I ate, breathed, lived. Without her, I am lost. I don’t know anything about myself. I’m just Cassie.” My voice trails off.

Zack looks at me for a moment before carefully getting out of the hammock. He reaches his hand out to me and I take it without thinking.

“Let’s go.” He says, pulling me off the hammock.

“Where are we going?” I ask, suddenly nervous.

“We, Cassie, are going to get to know you.”

Notes

Sorry for the delay! If you follow any of my other stories, you would know that I have had massive writers block. Hope you enjoy c:
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