The one where he has cancer.
1.1
It started with a headache. Alex complained once after a show that his head was throbbing throughout the night, and he felt nauseous because of it. This worried you, because you knew Alex had a history of migraines, and if he was starting to get them again, they sometimes interfered with touring. When Alex wasn't touring, he wasn't as happy.
You made him see a doctor after the third night in a row of debilitating migraines, and that's when they found it.
"It could be cancerous, or it could be benign, but it's still a tumor," they told you as you sat in the doctors office. He was shaking next to you as tears sprang to his eyes. "The faster we get it removed, the faster we can go about diagnosis."
The operation took hours, and you were on edge the entire time. Thinking over the worse case scenarios over and over in your head, crying on and off throughout the whole thing. You didn't want anything bad to happen to Alex, after all, he was the love of your life. The person you wanted to start a family with, grow old with, stay with, forever.
But after the surgery, something changed. He didn't feel the same, or look the same. They had to shave his head to operate on his brain, and losing his hair was horrible for him, it depressed him to see himself that way- he looked sickly.
"I'm getting sicker every day," he whispered one night, as you curled up in his arms and tried to sleep.
"Alex you'll be fine, I know you will," you sighed, silently praying that your words had any meaning.
He shook his head, "You don't know that, Y/N."
"Yes I do, because bad things don't happen to good people."
"Bad things have already happened to me, Y/N, I had a fucking tumor in my brain."
"But they got it out! And you're gonna get better, Alex, I know you will okay! I just know it!" And you really hoped he would.
Little did either of you know, how truly sick he was.
The results came back two weeks later, it was cancer. You tried to stay strong, to put on a front like you knew he would make it through just fine- but inside you were breaking.
The possibility that you could lose him was just so great. The cancer hadn't gotten anywhere besides his brain, but brain cancer is extremely deadly, and has about a 25% survival rate. With that in mind, you were determined to make Alex's days as enjoyable as you could.
He stopped touring, indefinitely, and All Time Low went on a permanent hiatus. No one could blame them, not with Alex as sick as he was.
The chemo was the worst. Alex got weaker and weaker before he ever seemed to get even marginally better. He was 26 years old with the spirit of a 72 year old.
He wanted to fight, you knew he must- but he just didn't have it in him. He was so weak, and so bitter about the whole thing, that he couldn't keep trying.
He told you once that he knew it was hopeless. He was crying to himself one night. Angry at the world, and the doctors, and at god himself- just plain angry, when he screamed at you, saying, through the tears, that if God had any type of heart at all he would just go ahead and kill him already.
You held him in your arms, tears trailing your cheeks as he sobbed out, shaking, screaming "why me?" And you didn't know what to tell him, because you asked the same question everyday.
You would've liked to have been able to say that Alex stayed fighting until the very end. He didn't quit, not once, and he kept singing even when the doctors said he didn't have much more time- but you couldn't say that. At the end of his 7 month battle with cancer, he was already like a corpse.
He didn't laugh, or smile, he didn't even cry, he just waited. Waited until he could finally be at peace, until he could finally be out of pain, and self pity. The saddest thing about this whole situation, in your opinion anyways, is that he just gave up on himself.
The last thing he said to you on that ironically sunny day in June is that he never doubted for a second that you were strong enough for the both of you. He said, "You know I may have given up on a lot of things, Y/N- but you were never one of them."
You had tears in your eyes as you held his hand, his breaths coming out labored and slow through the nubs looped in his nose, his lips pale and his cheeks sunken.
You nodded, kissing him lightly as your heart thudded in your chest. His mother and father were waiting outside along with his best friends. He had asked to be alone with you for a minute- knowing he didn't have any time left.
You tried not to sob, and scream at God for doing this to you, but you but your lip and smiled at him, trying your best to muster up enough words to last a lifetime. Praying to a god you hardly believed in anymore that the least he could do was make you strong right now, strong for Alex, but you knew better.
"Alex, I love you so much," you whispered, fearing anything louder than that and your voice would break.
He smiled, nodding, "I love you too baby, so much. I always have, and I always will. I'm so sorry-"
You shook your head, "No, don't be sorry, you didn't do anything wrong."
"I'm leaving you," he muttered, eyes slipping shut as a tear rolled down his cheek.
"But you're going to a better place, where you're not in pain anymore. You'll always be with me, I know that," you sighed, chest heaving as Alex's breaths became shorter.
"I won't ever leave you, not really- remember that. You were the greatest thing that ever happened to me," he smiled, squeezing your hand as you let out a sob.
And just like that, your Alex, the great love of your life was gone.
You didn't let losing Alex kill you, as much as you felt it had. You kept going, kept living, for him. You knew he wouldn't have it any other way. And some nights, like tonight, when you look at the stars and think of Alex up there watching over you, you know he must be proud. Because he may have left, but you made sure his spirit was never truly gone.
Everyday you lived your life to the fullest because Alex would never get to. And you were as sure as the moon itself, that he would wait for you until it was your turn to join him. You could wait, you knew you could- you would have to wait to be with him again, but it would be worth it. Alex was always so worth it.
You made him see a doctor after the third night in a row of debilitating migraines, and that's when they found it.
"It could be cancerous, or it could be benign, but it's still a tumor," they told you as you sat in the doctors office. He was shaking next to you as tears sprang to his eyes. "The faster we get it removed, the faster we can go about diagnosis."
The operation took hours, and you were on edge the entire time. Thinking over the worse case scenarios over and over in your head, crying on and off throughout the whole thing. You didn't want anything bad to happen to Alex, after all, he was the love of your life. The person you wanted to start a family with, grow old with, stay with, forever.
But after the surgery, something changed. He didn't feel the same, or look the same. They had to shave his head to operate on his brain, and losing his hair was horrible for him, it depressed him to see himself that way- he looked sickly.
"I'm getting sicker every day," he whispered one night, as you curled up in his arms and tried to sleep.
"Alex you'll be fine, I know you will," you sighed, silently praying that your words had any meaning.
He shook his head, "You don't know that, Y/N."
"Yes I do, because bad things don't happen to good people."
"Bad things have already happened to me, Y/N, I had a fucking tumor in my brain."
"But they got it out! And you're gonna get better, Alex, I know you will okay! I just know it!" And you really hoped he would.
Little did either of you know, how truly sick he was.
The results came back two weeks later, it was cancer. You tried to stay strong, to put on a front like you knew he would make it through just fine- but inside you were breaking.
The possibility that you could lose him was just so great. The cancer hadn't gotten anywhere besides his brain, but brain cancer is extremely deadly, and has about a 25% survival rate. With that in mind, you were determined to make Alex's days as enjoyable as you could.
He stopped touring, indefinitely, and All Time Low went on a permanent hiatus. No one could blame them, not with Alex as sick as he was.
The chemo was the worst. Alex got weaker and weaker before he ever seemed to get even marginally better. He was 26 years old with the spirit of a 72 year old.
He wanted to fight, you knew he must- but he just didn't have it in him. He was so weak, and so bitter about the whole thing, that he couldn't keep trying.
He told you once that he knew it was hopeless. He was crying to himself one night. Angry at the world, and the doctors, and at god himself- just plain angry, when he screamed at you, saying, through the tears, that if God had any type of heart at all he would just go ahead and kill him already.
You held him in your arms, tears trailing your cheeks as he sobbed out, shaking, screaming "why me?" And you didn't know what to tell him, because you asked the same question everyday.
You would've liked to have been able to say that Alex stayed fighting until the very end. He didn't quit, not once, and he kept singing even when the doctors said he didn't have much more time- but you couldn't say that. At the end of his 7 month battle with cancer, he was already like a corpse.
He didn't laugh, or smile, he didn't even cry, he just waited. Waited until he could finally be at peace, until he could finally be out of pain, and self pity. The saddest thing about this whole situation, in your opinion anyways, is that he just gave up on himself.
The last thing he said to you on that ironically sunny day in June is that he never doubted for a second that you were strong enough for the both of you. He said, "You know I may have given up on a lot of things, Y/N- but you were never one of them."
You had tears in your eyes as you held his hand, his breaths coming out labored and slow through the nubs looped in his nose, his lips pale and his cheeks sunken.
You nodded, kissing him lightly as your heart thudded in your chest. His mother and father were waiting outside along with his best friends. He had asked to be alone with you for a minute- knowing he didn't have any time left.
You tried not to sob, and scream at God for doing this to you, but you but your lip and smiled at him, trying your best to muster up enough words to last a lifetime. Praying to a god you hardly believed in anymore that the least he could do was make you strong right now, strong for Alex, but you knew better.
"Alex, I love you so much," you whispered, fearing anything louder than that and your voice would break.
He smiled, nodding, "I love you too baby, so much. I always have, and I always will. I'm so sorry-"
You shook your head, "No, don't be sorry, you didn't do anything wrong."
"I'm leaving you," he muttered, eyes slipping shut as a tear rolled down his cheek.
"But you're going to a better place, where you're not in pain anymore. You'll always be with me, I know that," you sighed, chest heaving as Alex's breaths became shorter.
"I won't ever leave you, not really- remember that. You were the greatest thing that ever happened to me," he smiled, squeezing your hand as you let out a sob.
And just like that, your Alex, the great love of your life was gone.
You didn't let losing Alex kill you, as much as you felt it had. You kept going, kept living, for him. You knew he wouldn't have it any other way. And some nights, like tonight, when you look at the stars and think of Alex up there watching over you, you know he must be proud. Because he may have left, but you made sure his spirit was never truly gone.
Everyday you lived your life to the fullest because Alex would never get to. And you were as sure as the moon itself, that he would wait for you until it was your turn to join him. You could wait, you knew you could- you would have to wait to be with him again, but it would be worth it. Alex was always so worth it.
7/13/13